Jungle Tangle

by Debbie Thomas

  Coriander gripped the banister. She pressed her lips together. ‘No,’ she said at last. ‘We can’t.’

  Her low, smooth hum of enough-is-enough stopped the snake. Curving back its upper body, it fixed the two villains with glittering amber eyes.

  Chester, thought Abbie. It was now or never. Grasping the gun with both hands, she crept across the landing past the snake-bound baddies.

  The spider monkeys were dancing down the corridor, opening doors on either side with their clever fingers.

  Abbie peered into the first room. A man lay on a bed. A brick was strapped to his head. The harpy eagle perched on his stomach. He was crying like a baby. Not too much of a threat there.

  In the next bedroom a man and woman whimpered in armchairs as tarantulas crawled over their chests. A little girl sat on the floor. A spider on her lap was jabbing a DS with a hairy leg.

  The girl looked up.‘Hi. Who are you?’

  ‘Uh … Abbie.’

  ‘Are your mum and dad here?’

  ‘No. Are they yours?’ Abbie pointed to the box-nosed, cling-film-eared grown-ups.

  ‘Yup. And they’re getting what they deserve,’ she said. ‘Wanna play Nintendogs with us?’

  ‘Er … not right now, thanks.’ Abbie closed the door.

  In the next room a woman stood in front of a mirror. The green parrot held the end of a bandage in its beak and was flying round her head, unwinding it. Her eyes underneath were bruised and bloody. The left one was higher than the right.

  ‘No!’ the woman sobbed. ‘All that pain and they’re still wonky!’ She sank to the floor. The parrot perched on her head, dug in its claws and squawked unsympathetically.

  Shaking her head in amazement, Abbie backed into the corridor. A man rolled out of his room. ‘Get off!’ he wailed, trying to escape the agoutis that gnawed at the bubble wrap round his head. The plastic came off, revealing a tiny face, wrinkled as a raisin.

  A girl rushed out of another room. The jaguar cubs were swiping at her plaster cast arms. ‘Ow!’ she screamed. ‘I give up!’ She sank down on the floor. All along the corridor, guests staggered out, trying to escape the creatures that were nibbling, pecking and biffing them.

  The spider monkeys rushed from room to room, emptying drawers and ransacking wardrobes. With a little musical prompting from Coriander, they collected all the guns they found and threw them into the corridor. Abbie gathered up the weapons and handed them out to the others, who were still watching Klench and the cowboy on the landing. There were plenty of guns to go round. Everyone took two except for Coriander, who still had Gav in one hand; Carmen, who said don’t talk to her about guns; and Fernando, who said don’t talk to him about hands.

  The bank robbers’ daughter came out of her bedroom. ‘Good job,’ she said to Abbie. ‘I never liked that lot. ’Specially my parents.’ Which seemed to Abbie a very sad thing to admit – although the girl didn’t look bothered at all. ‘I’m Dollarine.’ She held out her hand. Abbie shook it. ‘And this is Maisie-Lou.’ The tarantula on her shoulder held out a leg. Abbie waved politely. ‘Ooh, by the way,’ said Dollarine. ‘You’d better watch out. There’s a nasty man round here who’s been trapping all these animals. I don’t know where he’s gone.’ Abbie glanced nervously down the corridor. But there was no time to look for him now.

  Grandma and Perdita herded the guests downstairs, with the help of the jungle creatures who scampered, flew and crawled alongside to keep them in order. Abbie stayed on the landing with Coriander and Dollarine. The little girl watched wide-eyed as Coriander hummed an uncoiling sort of tune. Slowly the anaconda unwrapped its prey and glided downstairs. Klench and the cowboy followed, with Abbie and Grandma’s guns at their backs. Not that the baddies were much of a danger now. Wild-eyed and whimpering, they fell rather than walked down the stairs. Last came Dollarine, her eyes wider than ever, carrying Fernando in one hand and Carmen in the other.

  A line of staff stood against the far wall of the lobby. They cheered as Klench appeared at gunpoint.

  He and the cowboy joined the other bedraggled guests in front of the reception desk. The spider monkeys swung from the lobby chandeliers, reaching down to whack the crooks on the head. The agoutis pulled off the cowboy’s boots and chewed them down to their golden toecaps. The harpy eagle flapped its wings in one of the fountains, spraying the guests. And the jaguar cubs scratched patterns on the floor. When they’d had enough, the creatures headed through the entrance door, back to their beloved forest – all except the anaconda, who formed a calm, impregnable fence in front of the guests.

  One of the staff members came up to Abbie. ‘I did good, yes?’ he said with a shy smile. It was the young man from the kitchen.

  She beamed back. ‘Oh, yes. Though what exactly did you do?’

  He explained how the sight of her with a gun had given him the courage for what he’d dreamed of doing, but hadn’t dared, since the hunter had started his dirty work. When Abbie left the kitchen, the young man had crept down to the wine cellar. Checking that the hunter was asleep before his night shift, he took the gun that lay under the bed and … ‘I shoot him.’

  Abbie gasped. ‘You mean he’s–’

  ‘Still asleep.’ The youth grinned. ‘I stun him with dart gun, like he stun animals. Serve him right. Then I take keyring from under his pillow and open all the cages.’

  Two other staff members came forward to help the young man go down and tie up the hunter. And when Perdita explained about the doctors glued to the door, another four hurried off to sort them out.

  ‘’Ang on.’ Grandma slid her glasses down her nose and glared round the staff. ‘’Ow come you lot are so keen to ’elp all of a sudden? Why didn’t you stand up to Klench before?’

  Another young man stepped forward. ‘We scared of him,’ he said sheepishly.

  ‘Why didn’t you leave, then?’ said Coriander. ‘Go back to your villages?’

  The man chewed his lip. ‘There is no future for us in jungle. We want to find work in city.’ The other servants murmured in agreement. ‘But we have no skill. Here we can learn hotel work. So we must put up with mean boss. At least …’ He stared at the ground. ‘At least, I think that at first. But when I see how he trap animals and help criminals, I ashame.’ He looked up at Coriander. ‘Then I angry. So I take him to my uncle.’

  Everyone stared as Quempo the barman explained how his uncle had concocted a brew that would give the crooks nightmares and weaken their strength.

  ‘But not enough. Only when you appear with gun can we defeat them. For this we thank you from bottom of heart.’ He began to clap. The rest of the staff joined in while the Platts and Hartleys shuffled and blushed and said, aw, it was nothing.

  The applause died down.

  ‘Now what?’ mumbled Abbie. It was one of those awkward moments – you know the sort. You’re standing in a hotel lobby in the Amazon jungle pointing a gun at the world’s top criminals and you haven’t a clue what to say next.

  Luckily someone did.

  ‘Chester!’ roared Grandma. ‘Where is ’e?’ She waved her two guns at Klench. ‘You give ’im back this minute or there’ll be fireworks!’

  * * *

  Charlie Chumb tugged his earlobes. ‘She can’t just have … you know.’

  ‘But she has!’ Matt wailed. They were standing on the bridge over the hippo pool. Inflatable crocodiles were bobbing between the bubbles. Hepzibah wasn’t.

  Ollie and Abbie’s mum and dad rushed up.

  ‘Got here as soon as we could,’ Mum gasped.

  ‘The zoo barrier’s smashed in two,’ said Dad. ‘She must have barged straight through. When do you think she left?’

  Matt rubbed his teeth with a frantic finger. ‘Could’ve been any time last night after we closed.’

  ‘But why?’ said Dad. ‘She’s got everything she needs here.’

  ‘She seemed so happy,’ said Mum.

  Matt shrugged miserably. They stared at the pool in silence.

&nb
sp; ‘Marcus?’ said Ollie.

  Everyone looked at him.

  ‘But he came to help,’ said Dad.

  ‘And he left long before Hepzibah – you know,’ said Charlie.

  ‘I was just saying,’ said Ollie.

  ‘Even if he wanted to let her out,’ said Dad, ‘how could he? Small boy, big hippo – you think he dragged her on a lead? I don’t think so.’

  ‘She’s got nothing to leave for,’ wailed Matt. ‘She’s got everything she needs here.’

  ‘Have you reported it?’ said Mum.

  Matt shook his head. ‘If this got out, there’d be hell to pay.’

  Mum laid a hand on his arm. ‘A hippo’s got out. There will be hell to pay.’

  * * *

  The little girl pointed towards the playground in Bradleigh Park. ‘Look, Daddy, there’s a new rock.’

  ‘Don’t be daft, Frankie. You don’t get new rocks. Rocks are very, very old. Rocks were formed millions and millions of–’

  ‘It moved, Daddy.’

  ‘Don’t be silly, darling. Rocks don’t move. Not unless there’s an earthquake. That’s when plates in the earth slide against–’

  ‘It’s got a tail, Daddy.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous, sweetie. Rocks don’t have tails. Rocks are made of–’

  ‘It’s yawning, Daddy!’

  ‘For goodness sake, Frankincense. Rocks don’t …’ His jaw dropped. The new rock shambled off across the park, wiggling its tiny tail.

  26 - Safe, Sound and Bound

  It was a long night at the Hotel Armadillo. So long it turned into day.

  First came the Great Chester Rescue. With two guns at his back, Klench led Grandma to his locked office. He took a key from his pocket and opened the door. His briefcase lay on the desk.

  ‘Chess!’ Grandma yelled when Klench snapped it open. The hair wriggled madly. Grandma jabbed Klench with the gun. ‘What’ve you done to me budwig?’

  ‘I am sorry, Madam,’ Klench mumbled. ‘He is Superdooperglooper Glued.’

  There was nothing for it but to cut Chester’s curls. He leapt onto Grandma’s head, restoring her to hairy splendour, apart from a short patch over her ear.

  Then came the crooks’ confinement. Klench and the guests were herded into the TV room at many gunpoints. They were joined by the three doctors. What a sorry sight. Two of them were scratched all over and their lab coats shredded. Abbie felt a pang of guilt as she spotted the wooden discs attached to the fingertips of their left hands.

  ‘We have no choice,’ explained one of the staff. ‘We must saw through door to free fingers.’

  The third doctor had tears trickling down her cheeks. They made pretty patterns round the disc that was stuck to her nose.

  ‘Oh dear,’ said Coriander. ‘Do you think that’ll ever come off?’

  ‘Maybe she can burn it,’ suggested Perdita – which led to even prettier patterns.

  Last to be bundled inside was the hunter, bound and snoring.

  Six staff members volunteered to guard the TV room. Winking at each other, they turned the TV on. It was a game show with a prize of a million dollars, which must have been a fraction of the fortune the guests would lose now they were headed for prison. Carmen and Fernando perched on top of the telly. Whenever a guest began to doze off, the heads burst into a dire Spanish duet. It was wonderful to see such harmony in their disharmony.

  Next came the Grand Gav Revival. A staff member plugged him into a socket in the wall. When his battery had recharged, Coriander switched him on.

  Gav’s mouth yawned onto the screen. ‘My, that sleep was mighty sweet. Just the ticket for my feet.’

  ‘And I’ve got just the job for them,’ said Coriander. She popped the little box on the ground. ‘How about you go and rescue those policemen from the jungle?’

  ‘Clap those hands and tap those toes,

  I’ll be back before it snows.’

  Which, in the Amazon, was a pretty safe bet.

  Gav scuttled out of the hotel and into the night. Exhausted, the girls staggered upstairs to catch some sleep. Dollarine and Maisie-Lou invited them to share their bedroom. The girls collapsed on the double bed, too tired to wash. But with Dollarine on the floor thumb-wrestling the tarantula, it was impossible to sleep. Abbie and Perdita gave up and went downstairs.

  Coriander and Grandma were in the lounge. The anaconda was there too, draped several times over several sofas. Quempo was behind the bar, pouring fruit juice into glasses from a jug.

  ‘Quempo’s been telling us how Klench has been treating the staff like slaves,’ said Coriander, ‘working them to the bone, paying them a pittance.’

  Quempo handed the glasses round, then gave the jug to Coriander. She took it over to the anaconda. The snake plunged its head inside and downed the juice in one.

  Abbie took a sip of juice. Liquid sunlight poured down her throat. ‘Will you go back to your village now?’

  ‘No.’ Quempo took a bright red fruit from a bowl. Picking up a knife, he peeled it. The skin spiralled down in a single perfect strip. ‘Now at least I have skill.’ He grinned. ‘I will go to city and find job. But I never work for such bully boss again.’

  ‘Bully,’ echoed Grandma. ‘Makes you wonder.’ She slurped her drink thoughtfully.

  ‘Wonder what?’ Perdita frowned.

  ‘That business about ’is mother. I mean, if ’e really thinks she’s in ’is mind, orderin’ ’im about, then you’ve got to feel a teeny bit sorry for ’im.’

  ‘Grandma!’ Abbie banged her glass down. ‘Just because he admires you, there’s no need to swallow that claptrap.’

  Coriander nodded. ‘You said yourself he’s responsible for his own behaviour.’

  ‘I know. It’s just …’ Grandma shook her head. ‘You can tell ’e believes she’s there, the way ’e keeps mutterin’ to ’imself. And if she brought ’im up badly, and she’s still controllin’ ’im, then …’

  Everyone stared at her.

  She stared back defiantly. ‘Then I could weep for the poor flabber.’

  * * *

  Dawn was trickling into the sky when Abbie heard singing.

  ‘Two to the left, two to the right

  Home again by morning light.’

  Everyone rushed into the lobby. Through the door tripped Gav. Behind him stumbled four policemen.

  ‘Brillo!’ cried Perdita. The armadillo scuttled in after them, his claws rattling on the lobby floor. She scooped him up into her arms.

  ‘Found him waiting by a tree,’ Gav explained. ‘He came too and set them free.’

  The policemen’s hands had indeed been untied and their blindfolds removed. Their uniforms were ripped and their faces swollen from bites and stings. They stared round the lobby, then at Gav.

  ‘I dream we are rescued by box on legs,’ mumbled the chief policeman. Abbie recognised him as the officer from Puyo station: the one who’d refused to investigate their story.

  ‘Perhaps we have jungle fever,’ giggled another officer. They collapsed on the lobby floor.

  Quempo fetched some juice and fruit from the kitchen. When the policemen had drunk and eaten and felt a little more normal – though they couldn’t stop gawping at their strange rescuer – they headed out to the police helicopter, still standing in front of the hotel. The others watched from the entrance as it stumbled into the sky like a huge clumsy bird and flew off to fetch reinforcements.

  When it had gone Coriander yawned. ‘Better get some sleep. We’ve got a long day ahead.’ They went upstairs. Avoiding the second bedroom, where Dollarine and Maisie-Lou now lay snoring, everyone headed down the corridor to catch a few hours’ sleep.

  Later that morning they gathered in the kitchen. The staff had prepared a wonderful breakfast of specially imported Frosties and milk followed by specially imported croissants with Ecuadorian chocolate spread. When they’d eaten their fill, the Hartleys and Platts went into the TV room to check up on the prisoners.

  What a mi
serable crowd. Dripping bloody bandages and crumbling plaster casts, they lay on the floor, staring into space.

  Klench sat alone in a corner. Seeing Grandma he staggered to his feet. ‘Madam, have mercy on me. Imagine vot police vill do. Perhaps zey lock me avay for sixteen lifetimes. Perhaps zey chop me up and feed me to pensioners.’

  ‘Don’t be daft,’ Grandma snapped. ‘I’m seventy-three and I wouldn’t touch you with a bargepole. You’d be tough as old turnip.’

  ‘But others are not so kind. You know how I admire you, madam. Now I am captured I am no danger. Have pity on me.’

  ‘You mean like all the pity you’ve ’ad for all the people you’ve wronged?’

  ‘But …’ Klench widened his piggy eyes as if trying to convey a secret message, ‘I have told you of ze power behind my crimes.’

  ‘So?’ Abbie burst out. ‘What difference does it make?’

  Klench scowled. ‘Alvays you butt ins. So,’ he turned back to Grandma, ‘now I am no threat, perhaps you vill consider helpink me.’

  ‘Don’t listen to him!’ cried Coriander. ‘Remember all the things he’s done.’

  ‘’Ow could I forget?’ Grandma folded her arms. ‘But you’d be no lavender bag yourself with a mother like that.’

  There was an uncomfortable silence. Everyone stared at the floor – except the Pearl Pincher, who stared at the floor with her right eye and the wall with her left.

  ‘Madam!’ Klench clasped his hands. ‘I understand I must be punished. Since takink junkle medicine I begin to feel bad for my vickeds … yes I do, Mums,’ he muttered to himself. Then, to Grandma again, ‘I vish to change my vays. But I cannot do it alones. Teach me to stand up to You Know Who.’

  Pity shone in Grandma’s eyes. Compassion glowed from her nose. Chocolate gleamed on her chin. ‘What can I do?’ she said. ‘They’ll chuck you in prison and throw away the toothbrush after all you’ve done.’

  Klench pressed his hands together as if in prayer. ‘You are voman of mettle and kind as petal. I know you vill find a vay.’

  It was a very thoughtful Grandma who wandered back to the kitchen for a cup of specially imported Earl Grey tea.