I risk a glance at her, and she’s smiling warmly enough that I smile back. “You’re welcome.”
She gives my knee one last pat and sits back, her face rearranging back to her bloodhound look, and she waves her hand up and down my body again. “Now, let’s get to the bottom of all that other stuff. Who made you feel like a whore?”
The bald question, direct and to the point, no softening its sting, makes my cheeks heat again. My scalp prickles with remembered shame, a hollow feeling yawning in my gut at the looks from the girls that lived in my hall—girls I thought were my friends—the administration at the interview where they told me my scholarship was revoked. Imagining how my parents will look at me once they find out everything that’s happened. Sniffing, I blink back the tears that rise unbidden and shake my head. “I don’t like to talk about that.”
Blaire’s face softens a fraction, but she’s not going to let this go, I can tell. “I know. But I think you need to.” She waits a beat. “Have you talked to anyone about it?”
I shake my head, looking away and sniffing again, rubbing my nose in annoyance. “It’s not worth talking about.”
“Yeah, I’m not buying that.” Silence stretches between us. It’s not awkward, and I’m steadfastly refusing to break it. Blaire’s not put off, though. “Let me tell you about my story, then. Maybe that’ll make you more willing to trust me enough to share.”
“It’s not—“
She shakes her head and holds up a hand. “Yeah, it is. That’s part of it, anyway. And why should you trust me? I took you out and got you a little sloppy before trying to shove guys at you.” She gives me a crooked smile and places one hand over her heart. “I promise I was only trying to get you to loosen up and have fun. I’d never do anything to put you at risk. Do you believe me?” She waits for my nod before continuing. “So, as I said, I’ve had something of a friends with benefits arrangements with Aaron and Mason since the last tour. It’s a mutual thing, not serious with any of us. We’re not a throuple or anything. Since everyone asks, yes, we’ve had a three way, but just once, and we were all really drunk, and it wasn’t nearly as great or as hot as anyone fantasizes about.” She flicks her fingers. “Anyway, I know a bit about getting those stares. The ones you were talking about. The stares that say look at that whore, the ones that think you’re easy, the guys that think they’re entitled to access to your body because you’ve given permission to more than one person in the past. Never mind that your consent is yours to revoke at any time, and that he’s not even one of those people. That doesn’t matter. You’re a whore, after all. Free for the taking.”
More tears sting my eyes, and she blinks a few times too, looking away and swallowing before meeting my eyes again. “But you know what? Fuck them.” She clears her throat, and her voice firms. “Fuck them all. They don’t know. They don’t get to judge. They don’t get to make me feel less than. They can print their bullshit clickbait articles about me banging the band if they want to. Because you know what? Even if I were a virgin and not remotely interested in any of them, people would still say that shit about me, just because I’m a chick and I work for four guys. But this is the best job I’ve ever had. It plays to my strengths, I get to travel for a living, and those four guys would go to the mat for me any day of the week and twice on Sundays. And no amount of looks or articles can take that away from me.”
I nod, wishing I could be like that. Could just live my life how I want without worrying about what anyone else says or thinks. “I’m not that strong, though,” I whisper. “I didn’t want anyone to know because I care about the looks. And the articles.” I cover my face with my hand. “Goodness, articles. Just the thought of people writing articles about Danny screwing the nanny makes me sick to my stomach.”
“I know,” she whispers. “Trust me. I want to puke when I see those articles about me too. And like I said, I have Google alerts set up, so I see them all. But I’ve decided not to let them get to me.”
Shaking my head, I look up at her. “But those kinds of looks and rumors have already ruined my life once. I don’t think I could take it if it happened again.”
“What happened?” The question is soft, but no less determined for it.
With a sigh, I give in. I’m tired of fighting, tired of hiding. And to be honest, telling someone is a relief. “I had an affair with one of my professors. Last year. It lasted for almost eight months. No one knew. We were very discreet.” I have to pause when it hits me that I’ve been forcing Danny into the same situation. For all my determination not to repeat all my past mistakes, I’m doing it anyway. Well, at least now it’s coming out. And no one can force me out, this time.
Swallowing hard, I continue. “I felt so powerful and mature that this brilliant man wanted me, you know? It was exhilarating. He asked my opinion about his teaching, about his plans for his syllabus for the spring semester, made changes based on my suggestions. He told me I was smart and beautiful and that he wanted to only be with me, but that his wife was fragile and he needed to wait for her to be strong enough to handle the pain of a divorce.”
I look down, fiddling with the piping on the pillow again, tracing my fingers over the gold and tan brocade. “I believed him. Ate it all up.” I give a humorless laugh. “He probably laughed at how dumb and naive I was, how easy it was to con me into spreading my legs for him.” I meet her eyes. “I was a virgin. Before him.”
Blaire’s blue eyes are shiny with tears, her lips compressed, her brows scrunched together in concern. But she doesn’t say anything, just bears silent witness as the story pours out of me.
“And then I got pregnant.” I smile, wistful and bitter all at once, and shake my head. “I was so excited. It was an accident, of course. The condom broke one time, but once was all it took. Grayson—that was his name—wanted me to take the morning after pill. He bought it for me. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Because I grew up being taught that abortion is a sin, and that the morning after pill is an abortifacient. I thought Grayson believed the same things. He said he did. At least until he got his student and mistress pregnant.” I press my lips together, trying to stem the flood of tears streaming down my face now. “I thought he was just worried, you know? Because of his wife. But that a baby would give him the motivation to finally leave her so we could be together. When I surprised him with the news that I was pregnant, he was furious. He called me stupid and asked how I expected to raise a baby without his help. Because if he admitted he was the father, he’d lose his job. And his wife was already pregnant. He didn’t need a bastard running around.”
I meet Blaire’s pained gaze when she lets out a soft gasp. “Those were his words. Bastard.” I scrub the tears from my face with my sleeves pulled over my hands, but they keep coming. “He never intended to leave his wife. He was just bored. Or I presented some kind of challenge. He told me to get rid of the baby. Gave me money. Called a clinic and scheduled an appointment. I didn’t go. I couldn’t.” I place my hand on my belly. “It was my baby,” I whisper. “I couldn’t kill it.”
Blaire sucks in a shaky breath, her own cheeks streaked with tears. “What happened?”
My mouth twists. “I miscarried. I was about ten weeks along, and I started bleeding. God, the blood. It was everywhere. All over the shared bathroom. My RA took me to the ER. They did a D&C to remove the rest of the ‘tissue.’ Again, their words. Everyone in my dorm knew I’d miscarried. There were rumors that I’d tried to give myself an abortion and it had gone horribly wrong. Others that the blood was fake just so I could get a real abortion.” I shake my head, remembering the whispers, the stares, the way all conversations grew silent whenever I entered a room. I draw in a snot-clogged breath through my nose, pressing my lips together to try to keep my chin from wobbling any more.
“Anyway, I was a scholarship student. I had a Presidential Scholarship, which came with strings attached, including a code of conduct. I was called in front of the Dean of Students, who questioned me about
the identity of the father.”
“Did you tell them? Throw his ass to the wolves?”
I shake my head. “No. I still thought I was in love with him. And I didn’t want to hurt him, despite the fact that he’d hurt me so badly. That I’d lost so much. I had no idea when they called me in that I’d lose even more, though. I just couldn’t fathom that things could get worse. But they informed me that they were revoking my scholarship. Without it, I couldn’t afford to finish my degree. So I took the rest of my loan disbursement, withdrew from classes, and moved into a shitty apartment to look for a job.” That’s the short version, anyway. I leave out how long I spent crying in my bed, unwilling to start the search. It took almost a month before I realized I needed a job soon, and then I was still trying to be picky with what I applied for. When another month passed and I was still unemployed, I started applying to anything and everything.
Anger flashes across Blaire’s face, but she masks it quickly, reverting back to her concerned expression. She reaches out and covers one of my hands. “I’m so sorry. That Grayson is a complete asshole. You should’ve gotten him fired. Hell, you should write a letter to the school and name him now. Get him fired now.”
I let out a surprised laugh at the venom in her voice. “Maybe I should.” I shake my head. “I really just want to put it all behind me, though.”
Blaire scoots closer and wraps her arms around me. “Nothing like that will ever happen to you here with us. No matter what, you’d never lose your job for sleeping with someone. If you ever decide to leave, you’ll get a glowing reference from all of us. You’re amazing with Eli, and we’re all so tangled up in each other’s lives that a romantic relationship developing between you and someone on tour is pretty much inevitable.”
She pulls back and looks me in the eye. “I just want you to be happy. And Danny too. If you’re both happy together, then there’s no reason to fight it. Or hide it.”
I nod, biting my lip. “I told Danny that if people found out on their own, then that was one thing, but that I didn’t want to tell everyone. I don’t want to end up in the tabloids.”
“So public appearances are out for now. Since you have to watch Eli when Danny’s working anyway, that’s not really a big deal. He doesn’t take a date to events, and much to our PR team’s eternal dismay, he won’t agree to public appearances with other random famous women. But as we’ve established, he’s an asshole who doesn’t care what people think.” She sits back and looks me over. “Maybe he’ll rub off on you a little. Give you some of his give-no-fucks attitude.” A thoughtful look takes over. “What did your parents say about all this?”
I shake my head, looking down again. “I still haven’t told them.”
“Oh my god, Ava!”
“Shh! You’ll wake up Eli.”
She leans close, her voice pitched just above a whisper, but the effect is still equivalent to being shouted at. “I can’t believe you haven’t fucking told your parents. Don’t you think they’d want to know about everything you’ve been through? You fucking miscarried your love child with a man who abandoned you. In front of your entire dorm. That’s traumatic as fuck. You need therapy. Family support at the very least.”
I shake my head. “You don’t understand. They’d be devastated. They’d insist I come home to live with them again, and I’d get those looks, those ones that make me feel like a shameful whore, all the time. Every day. In my house. Or they’d disown me entirely.” I shake my head. “Either way, I can’t. I can’t do that. I’ve already lost so much. I can’t lose my family, too.”
Blaire’s face crumples, and she pulls me in for another fierce hug. “Oh, Ava. I think that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. No wonder you don’t tell anyone anything.” She pulls back, her hands still on my shoulders. “Just know that your secret is safe with me, okay? I won’t tell anyone anything you don’t want me to. If you want me to keep you and Danny under wraps still, my lips are sealed.” She mimes zipping her lips and locking them.
“What secret is that?”
Blaire and I both jump, and I let out a little squeal at the sound of Danny’s voice. Then Eli starts yelling. Danny gives me a pointed look. “I’ll get him. Both of you stay put. I want to know what all the secrets are that we’re talking about.”
“If you overheard me saying I’d keep her secret,” Blaire calls after his retreating back, “what makes you think we’ll tell you?”
Chapter Thirty-Five
Danny
“Blaire knows about us,” Ava announces when I return to the room holding a sleepy Eli. He has his arms wrapped around my neck, his head lying on my shoulder as he yawns and blinks himself fully awake. So I keep my reaction as even as possible, just raising my brows at Ava, whose face is blotchy and tear-streaked, though she doesn’t appear to be crying anymore.
Blaire, for her part, also looks like she’s been crying.
“Is that why everyone’s sobbing in here?” I ask casually as I claim the armchair so I can look at both of them. I want to sit next to Ava, want to wrap my free arm around her and kiss away the rest of her tears, but I’m not sure if she wants me to do that with an audience. Both Eli and Blaire, in this case. So I put distance between us, but the announcement that Blaire knows about us makes my pulse race. Does that mean the secrecy can end? Because that would be fucking awesome.
Blaire waves a hand as though brushing away my question. “No. We’re chicks. We cry. Not everything has to do with you.”
I quirk an eyebrow at her, and she sticks her tongue out at me, which makes me laugh. The sudden burst of laughter startles Eli, who lifts his head and places his hands on my face. “Shh, Daddy. Wowd.”
I bite my lip to quiet a fresh wave of laughter. “Sorry, bud. I’ll try to keep it down.” Then I look between Ava and Blaire. “How’d she find out?” I ask Ava.
She sighs and gives me a look like I might be in trouble. “It appears that someone let it slip that he’s in a secret relationship. It’s on all the celebrity gossip blogs today. Blaire put two and two together.” She shrugs.
“Two and two? So what if I said I was in a secret relationship? That doesn’t mean it’s necessarily with you.”
Blaire laughs. “Oh, Danny. You’re cute.” She holds up her fingers and ticks off her points. “You stare at Ava all the time. At first I chalked it up to the fact that Eli was with her and you were actually looking at him. But last night at dinner, you could barely tear your eyes off Ava, even when Eli was nowhere near her. You kept growling and trying to kill me with your eyes when I was talking about taking her dancing to hook up with a hot guy in Vancouver. She’s always in your room, even when she’s technically off. She always hangs out with you. Why would she want to spend extra time with your moody ass if she’s not getting, ahem, other incentives? Hmm?”
Ava blushes, and I give Blaire one of my patented moody glares. “Enough. You’re embarrassing Ava.”
“See? You’re super protective of her. I mean, I know you’re a protective guy in general, but you’re way over the top with her. Way more than you are with me.”
I open my mouth, but I can’t deny it. It’s true.
My eyes shift to Ava, who gives me a little shrug. “Like I said, she figured it out.”
“And you confirmed it for her?”
She draws a deep breath, holding it as she nods. “I said that we wouldn’t lie if anyone figured it out.”
“Does that mean we don’t have to keep it a secret anymore? The guys can know too?”
Ava glances at Blaire, and they exchange a meaningful look, but I don’t follow the significance of the communication. Then she looks back at me. “Yeah. The guys can know.”
“And Eli?”
He lifts his head at the sound of his name and looks around. Ava looks at him for a long moment before meeting my eyes once more. Her deep breath makes her breasts strain against the soft fabric of her T-shirt, and I’m this close to crossing the room and taking her in my arms. Audience be
damned.
“Yeah,” she finally whispers. “No more keeping it a secret.”
And that’s all the permission I need. I stand and settle Eli in my chair with a murmured, “Be right back,” and crossing to Ava, I pull her up and into my arms, tipping her face up for the kiss I’ve wanted to lay on her since before I got back to my room. When I pull back, I brush my thumb over her cheek. “Will you tell me why you were crying? Were you that upset about Blaire finding out?”
She shakes her head. “No. It wasn’t about that. Not really.” She glances at Blaire. “Like she said, we were just talking about girl stuff.” Blaire gives her another meaningful look, but Ava shakes her head. “We can talk about it some other time. It can wait. It’s in the past anyway.”
“Okay. But you can tell me anything. You know that, right?”
She nods, pressing her face into my chest and taking a deep breath. I wrap my arms around her, holding her close, since that seems to be what she needs right now. After a moment, a little arm snakes around one of my legs. I look down to see Eli with an arm wrapped around each of us. “Hug,” he sighs.
I reach down with one arm and pat his shoulder. “Group hug.”
He detaches from us and holds his arms up to me. “Daddy hold you?”
Crouching down, I scoop him up with one arm, not ready to let go of Ava yet. “Kiss Ava,” he says.
I grin. “You want me to kiss Ava again?”
He shakes his head, blond curls flying, and points at his chest. “No. Me kiss Ava.”
With a light laugh, she offers him her cheek. He leans over, his hands braced on her shoulders, and gives her a kiss, then pulls back with a big grin.
Shouldn't Want You (Cataclysm Book 2) Page 19