Shouldn't Want You (Cataclysm Book 2)

by Jerica MacMillan

  Tomorrow I’ll get in touch with Blaire and get my things and figure out where to go next, whether back to Iowa or somewhere else.

  When I get to my room, I see that I’ve missed three calls from Blaire and another call from my parents. But I promised Blaire I’d answer, so I call her back first. At least I know she won’t judge me, even if she might be mad that I didn’t confide in her about the pregnancy either.

  “Ava. Are you okay? Where are you?”

  “I’m fine. I mean, I’m safe, at least. I’m at another hotel.” I glance at the notepad on the desk in the room, because I hadn’t paid any attention to the name of the hotel when I walked in. “The Obsidian.”

  “Did you get a room?”

  “Yeah. I just … I needed a place to regroup.” I pause for a second, but then just plunge forward. If she knows, then at least I won’t have to tell her. “You saw the article?”

  “Yes.” Her voice is soft, sympathetic. “Oh, Ava.”

  “It’s the worst interpretation of my life, but it’s not completely inaccurate.”

  “Yes it is,” she says fiercely. “It’s trash not even fit to be shredded for rat cages. It’s the worst. You’re not anything like they made you out to be.”

  More tears. “Maybe not. But I am pregnant. For the second time in a year. By two different men.”

  Blaire makes a pained noise that’s neither agreement nor disagreement. “Fuck anyone who tries to make you ashamed of that. So what you’ve had more than one relationship? It’s not your fault that the first guy was a complete asshole who’s not worthy of you.”

  My breath is shuddery as I fight down my sobs. “And the second?”

  “Oh, honey. He’s …”

  A knock at the door interrupts whatever she might’ve said next. “Hang on. Someone’s at the door. Probably housekeeping. I asked for extra pillows when I checked in.”

  But when I open the door, it’s Danny. I’m so shocked that I drop my phone. “What are you doing here?”

  He scoops it up and presses it to his ear, never taking his eyes off me. “Thanks, Blaire. I’m here. We’ll call you later.”

  “What’s going on?” I just keep asking the same question over and over. First in Marcus and Kendra’s room. Now here. I close my eyes, forcing myself to get my thoughts in order. I’m tired of everything happening to me instead of me choosing my own destiny. That was the point of walking out. Not letting him shame me and blame me and dictate to me. I’m in charge.

  Firming my lips, I open my eyes and lift my chin, ready to fight for myself. He’s probably here because he’s not okay with no visitation. One hand covers my still-flat stomach. I’m not going to let him take my baby.

  He closes the door behind him and steps inside far enough to set my phone on the table under the mirror that doubles as a desk. Holding up his hands, he doesn’t approach. “You left before I could process anything. Before we could talk. I just want to talk. If you want me to leave afterward, to let you go and not have anything to do with you or the baby, then I’ll respect your decision. But I can’t let you go without at least talking to you one last time.”

  My mouth hangs open at his assertion that he’ll leave me—us—alone forever if I just take the time to talk to him. But again, I’m determined to be in charge. Closing my mouth, I swallow, and decide to let him talk. If he starts being an asshole, I can call security and have him escorted off the premises. “Okay. Fine.” I gesture at him. “Talk.”

  His eyes roam my body, no longer that flat, dead blue like before. Something of the usual warmth I’ve grown accustomed to has reappeared, but I don’t allow myself to hope for anything. Warm eyes don’t mean anything.

  “I’m sorry.”

  I rock back on my heels, sitting abruptly on the bed. An apology isn’t what I expected as an opener. “What for?”

  He takes a half step closer, then clenches his fists and draws himself up short. “I’m sorry for reacting badly. I was … upset. Shocked. I’d just found out from a tabloid that my girlfriend is pregnant instead of from her. I didn’t handle it well.”

  I drop my eyes. “I just found out a few days ago. I was going to tell you, I just …”

  He pulls out the chair from the table and turns it to face me, sinking into it and leaning toward me, but still not reaching for me. “You just …?”

  I shrug and close my eyes. “I had a miscarriage the last time I got pregnant. It was messy and awful. I was worried something might happen. And I’d already told Grayson—the father. I told him almost as soon as I found out. I was so excited. Scared, but the good kind of scared where you can’t wait to see what happens, you know? He said he loved me. That he’d always love me. That he wanted us to be together. I thought the baby was our chance for that. To be a family.” I shake my head, my stomach twisting at the memory. Danny, for his part, is stone-faced. His eyes never wavering from me. Letting me spill out my personal version of hell. “I thought he’d be shocked, but that he’d come around and eventually be happy. Instead he was furious. Called me names. He was right. I was stupid. He’d seduced me, tricked me, and stupid me, I fell for it.” I press my lips together and shake my head. “I wasn’t sure how you’d take the news. Especially after what happened with Eli’s mom. I didn’t want to tell you till I was sure I wouldn’t lose it. Until I was sure there was something to tell.” I’m whispering by the end.

  “Oh, Ava.” When I open my eyes at the undisguised pain in his voice, he’s clenching his fist and withdrawing his hand, like he’s stopping himself from touching me. “I can’t …” He shakes his head. “I had no idea. I’m so sorry. For everything.”

  Shaking my head, I wipe away another round of tears. I can’t stop crying, and it’s starting to piss me off, which has the perverse effect of making me cry more. “Grayson wanted me to have an abortion anyway, so I guess it worked out.” Just saying the words makes me feel sick.

  The look on Danny’s face is pure rage, though, his words spit out one by one. “No one, and I mean no one, should tell you whether or not you should have your baby.” He softens, not a lot, but less spitting mad. “I … I want you to have this baby. If that’s what you want. I’ll take care of you. Support you however you want. If you want me to stay away, I will, but I’ll make sure you have enough to support yourself and the baby. Always.”

  A fresh sob catches in my throat. “I don’t want you to stay away. But I don’t want you to stay with me just because of the baby either.”

  “Oh, Ava,” he says again, but this time he slides onto the bed next to me, wrapping an arm around me and pulling me against him. “I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I want you. I’ve wanted you since you showed up looking scared and uncertain. It only got worse when you came to LA with us and I started getting to know you. That night Blaire got you all dolled up to go dancing?” He makes a low sound in his throat, almost like he’s in pain just from the memory. “It took all my willpower not to try to convince you to stay home before you left, because I wanted you all to myself. And when you got back? All happy and tired and relaxed and gorgeous? I wanted to kiss you to see if you still tasted like your cocktails and guess what you had to drink.”

  My lips part on a gasp, and his eyes travel down my face, focusing on my mouth, just like he always used to do. I was never imagining it. “Seriously?”

  He nods, his face grave. “You’ve been starring in my fantasies for months. That night you kissed me? Damn, I thought my heart would stop. I tried so hard to keep my distance. You were so shy and reserved. And Eli’s nanny. I didn’t want to run you off, not when you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to us. You’re the reason I’m still with Cataclysm. Without you, I wouldn’t be able to come on tour. Marcus knew, when we were writing the album, how close I was to quitting. To giving it all up so I could be a dad. You let me have the best of everything. You see me. Care about me. Take care of Eli like he’s your own, making sure he has everything he needs and more. You make our lives better. You make wherever we ar
e home. That’s true whether you’re pregnant or not. That will always be true. I want you with us wherever we end up.”

  He pauses, examining my face. “I love you.”

  My breath catches at his words. “Really?”

  A soft smile pulls at his mouth. “Yes. Really. When you walked out and said you’d raise the baby on your own, my heart broke into a million pieces. The thought of a life without you makes me want to curl up in the corner and never get up. I love you. I don’t want to let you go. I don’t want to stay out of your life and the baby’s life.” He places one hand on my stomach. “I want you. Both of you. All of you. As much of yourself as you’ll give me. I want you to sleep in my bed and wake up with me in the morning. I want to watch as my baby grows inside you, and I want to be there for all of it. I didn’t get to do that with Eli. His mother and I were nothing to each other. And I missed so much of his life. I don’t want that again. And I don’t want to miss a second with you.”

  More tears stream down my face, but these ones don’t make me angry. They’re an overflow of all that I’m feeling. “I love you too.”

  His eyes light up, my words erasing all hint of the earlier bleakness. And his mouth covers mine, his tongue sliding inside, crushing me to him, sealing our words with a kiss.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Danny

  Salt overlays her usual taste, a reminder of how many tears the woman I love has shed in the last hour. And I’m determined that she won’t shed any more. Not because of me. Not because of that other asshole.

  I’ll make sure she knows she’s loved and cared for. That she’s mine. Forever.

  Or at least as long as she’ll have me.

  When I pull back, her eyes are still shiny with tears, but they’ve stopped flowing, and her face is softer, happier. Not drawn and tight with grief.

  I press another kiss to her lips. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper again and pull her across my lap, wrapping my arms around her. After I was so close to losing her, I don’t want to let her go.

  She caresses my cheek and pulls my lips to hers. “It’s okay.”

  I shake my head. “It’s not. Not really. But I’m glad you forgive me.”

  She smirks. “I do.” Her face grows serious again. “I’m sorry for not telling you when I found out. I wanted to. I just didn’t know how you’d react, and after last time …”

  I crush her body to mine. “I’m nothing like that asshole. I’d never treat you the way he did.”

  Another soft smile claims her features. “I know. I’ve always known that. I was just scared.”

  “You don’t ever have to be scared with me.”

  “I know.”

  And I kiss her again, slow and deep, communicating all my sorrow, how happy I am that she’s not running, pouring all my love into that kiss. Until she shifts in my lap, turning so she can straddle me, wrapping her arms around my neck. She takes control of the kiss, thrusting her tongue into my mouth. I suck on it, rubbing my hands up and down her curves, gripping her ass to pull her tighter against me, let her feel what she’s doing to me.

  She grinds on me, making her breathless sounds of pleasure. God, I love those sounds.

  I plunge my hands into her leggings, gripping her bare skin. I love her softness. Love her curves. Love her.

  “God, I love you,” I whisper against her lips. Now that I’ve started saying it, I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to leave any doubt in her mind about how I feel about her, how serious I am about this, and not just because of the baby.

  “I love you too,” she whispers back, reaching for the hem of her shirt and pulling it up and off. Just like she did that very first night we kissed. That feels like such a short time ago and like another lifetime all at once.

  Without hesitating, I unhook her bra and pull it free of her body, revealing her breasts to me. She hisses when I brush my thumbs over her nipples.

  “Careful. They’re super sensitive.”

  “I’ll kiss them and make them better, then.” She lets out a low, throaty laugh that’s cut short when my lips make contact with her nipple, sucking it lightly into my mouth and flicking it with my tongue before releasing it and doing the same to the other side.

  Even though I love having her in my lap, on top of me, surrounding me, raking her fingernails over my scalp and pressing her tits in my mouth, I need to get rid of the rest of our clothes. And as much as I wish they’d just disintegrate and leave us naked, that’s not possible.

  Slowly I lie back, then turn so she’s on her side, following her over and kissing every inch of skin I can reach from her lips to her cheeks, down her jaw, over her collarbone and shoulder, revisiting her luscious breasts. Propping myself up, I mold them again with my palms, measuring them. “I think these are bigger than they used to be.”

  Her hands go to her face, and she laughs. “Of course that’s what you notice.”

  I give each nipple another little suck, making her gasp. “Yup. I pay attention to all of you. Something like that isn’t going to escape my notice for long.”

  Scooting down, I kiss her sternum, then lower, pausing for just a second to tug her leggings out of my way before planting a soft kiss just below her belly button. She reaches down and runs her hand through my hair, and I look up to meet her eyes, soft with love and longing. “You’re okay with it? The baby?”

  I press another kiss to her soft belly. “Better than okay. Thrilled.” She gives me a look like she doesn’t believe me, and I shake my head. “Nope. Don’t do that. You have to trust me. I already apologized for my bad reaction. More than once. Now I’m just excited about all the possibilities.”

  “There’s a lot of details we’ll need to work out.”

  Running my hands up her sides to her rib cage, I give her a reassuring squeeze. “And we’ll work all of them out. Together.”

  The lingering concern melts out of her face, and she lifts her hips for me when I hook my fingers in the waistband of her leggings and pull them off her. I make short work of my clothes and cover her body with mine.

  She spreads her legs, welcoming me back to my favorite place in the world. I fit my hips against her, my cock trapped between us, and just kiss her until she’s moaning and squirming against me.

  Sitting back on my heels, I reach for my jeans and rifle for my wallet, but come up empty when I open it looking for a condom.

  Ava’s laugh brings my attention back to her, where she’s propped herself on her elbows. “I’m already pregnant. What good is a condom now?”

  With a laugh of my own, I settle over her again, kissing her swollen lips, happy to see her smile and laugh again. Her eyes are still dancing as she says, “Your friends all call you a monk, so I’m assuming you don’t have any STDs?”

  I snort out another laugh and shake my head. “No, I don’t.”

  “Good. Me either. Now make love to me.”

  Reaching between us, I line myself up with her, and with a slow flex of my ass, I press forward, sliding inside her with a groan at how slick and tight and wet she is.

  I hold still, too close to the edge from just the first thrust to move right away, and dip my head to capture her mouth again. When she pushes her hips against me, I release her lips with a groan, moving with her. “You feel so fucking good. Better than ever. Fuck.”

  In response she tightens around my cock.

  I pull back enough to look at her. “You like that? You like me talking dirty while I fuck you?”

  Another flutter of her muscles, and she’s biting her lip.

  I find her hands, pressing our palms together, threading my fingers through hers. And I make love to her. Slowly. Telling her over and over how good she feels, how much I love her, how I love her sounds, her little gasps, her soft cries of pleasure. How perfect she is.

  And after we shudder through our orgasm, hers triggering my own, I wrap my arms around her and hold her against me, not needing to withdraw right away to deal with a condom, relishing the feel of her in my arms
. “You’re going to be an amazing mother,” I whisper and tilt her face up to mine for another kiss. “I can’t wait to build our life together.”

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Ava

  Two months later …

  Danny looks at me from his spot on stage, meeting my eyes as I stand in the wings watching him perform, one hand holding Eli’s hand, the other over my growing baby bump. Eli’s wearing his Big Brother shirt that we gave him when we told him I was pregnant last month. He’s so excited, and he insists on wearing that shirt every chance he gets. It’s getting grimy, since he wore it yesterday too, so I’ll have to convince him to change when we get back to the hotel tonight.

  I smile as Marcus pulls a wide-eyed and nervous girl up on stage to sit on a stool while he sings to her, remembering being in the same spot not too long ago.

  This is a new song, added to their set list about a month ago. Danny wrote most of it, with Marcus polishing the lyrics. But the heart of it is all Danny.

  He wrote it for me.

  He sang it to me alone in our room when it was finished. Then the first live performance in front of a packed arena, he and Marcus switched places and he sang it to me on stage. He’d arranged it so that I could watch from the audience that night, and I had no idea what was going on when Marcus brought me up on stage and then relieved Danny of his guitar, settling the strap around his shoulder while Danny took the mic.

  The crowd went wild.

  I cried.

  Because I do that a lot now. One of the side effects of pregnancy.

  And then at the end of the song, he got down on one knee and held up a ring. A simple solitaire set in white gold. And so perfect.

  “Yes!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, loud enough that even without the microphone they would’ve heard me in the nosebleeds. And then I launched myself into Danny’s arms.