First Kiss (Heavy Influence)

by Frohoff, Ann Marie

  “Kyle, if you move out. We won’t let you move back.”

  Kyle snorted and shook his head. “One more last threat? Dad, you won’t have to worry about that.”

  49

  Alyssa

  My mother quietly cleared away the plates from the table. I sat desperately trying to hold back tears and surprisingly my sister kept rubbing my back. My dad’s hair was messy from running his hand through it. I’d never really seen it as messy. He always had it combed neatly, like Superman’s Clark Kent.

  “Can we be excused?” Allison asked timidly.

  My mom paused. “Girls, you can go.”

  “No. I have more to say,” My dad said looking at both Allison and I.

  “No, Frank. You’ve said enough.” My mother never took center stage, but it was her turn. “I’ve let you be the leader, knowing you do what you do out of love for our children,” she said turning her gaze on us. “I can’t stand being lied to anymore, girls. Your father does the best with what he has. He provides for us and there are rules, regardless if you agree with them or not. We need to take a step back. You two think that we don’t know what’s going on, but we do. We see the bigger picture because we’ve been there. You may think we’re too conservative or not cool, but the fact is we’ve been through our share of heartbreak.”

  Allison sat shaking her head. Finally brave enough to speak. “Mom, it’s just tough to listen to you guys. Just because Aly got trapped up into something doesn’t mean I should be punished too. Not allowing Owen to come over is so lame. It’s not gonna keep me away from him. It’s not gonna change my past either.” My heart sank when I heard her last words. I looked at my dad for any kind of reaction. My mother’s lips went tight and my dad looked sadly at my mom. What kind of look was that? Did he know about Allison and her past? Was I just over reading everything? Allison pushed her chair away from the table and its legs made a deep screeching sound against the hardwood floor. I held my breath. “Jake isn’t a bad guy. He’s taken care of Aly, maybe in ways you don’t approve of, but he has. We’re all just experiencing what it’s like to be teenager’s and you guys act like it’s a crime. I didn’t know that Jake had a drug problem. I don’t think anyone did. I think you’re being way harsh on everything, Dad.”

  My dad looked like he aged 10 years right in front of me as he hung his head. His face looked drawn and droopy as the creases tucked deeper into his skin. Allison disappeared with out another word and I sat like a piece of stone, as if I’d stared into Medusa’s eyes.

  “Alyssa, you think I don’t know about what goes on under my roof or outside of these walls? I know I may not know everything, but I know how it feels to love and lose. I know what it feels like to be alone. I know what it feels like to be lied to by people who say they love you. I know what battles to fight. Your mother and I tell each other everything, whether you all think we don’t. Under the circumstances of Jake, I thought it was better not to have Allison’s boyfriend hanging out. I thought of you when I made that decision. I didn’t want him flaunted in your face. Maybe I should have stated that.”

  “Why don’t you tell her now?” I choked out, holding back tears.

  “I will when the opportunity presents itself.”

  “Dad, I’m sorry,” I said, trying to gulp down the golf ball in my throat. “I still don’t understand what the big deal is.”

  “Alyssa, I don’t think you will until you have your own children. Jake just turned 18 years old. You’re 14.”

  “I’m gonna be 15 soon.” I piped.

  My dad just rolled his eyes at me and went on. “He’s not your typical teenage boy, Alyssa. He never was. I thought he’d end up more like Kyle, the studious type, but he took to music and the road. However, in light of his drug addiction I think he needs to know what rock bottom is. If not having access to you is hitting rock bottom, then hopefully it’ll help him to realize what he’s lost because of it. I’m going to say this one more time, for the last time. I will not sit here and allow you to have an intimate relationship with an 18-year-old, drug addicted rock star. I don’t care how long we’ve known him.”

  ***

  My mother and I sat on my bed and barely said a word to each other. She kept getting up, milling around and putting my clothes away. “Mom, can I please go to Nicole’s? I just wanna get out of here for an hour. Please?”

  She looked long at me. “Where’s Jake?”

  “He’s on tour.”

  “How long has he been gone?”

  “I think 3 weeks.”

  “You still keep track of him?”

  I sank inside. “Not too much lately.”

  She gave me a sympathetic smile. “Sure. One hour. It’s late already.”

  Instead of going to Nicole’s I ended up on Marshall’s overly plant laden doorstep. I sent him a text to come out. “Hey,” he said as he opened the door finding me sitting on the top step. “You look awful, what happened?”

  Marshall pulled the bright blue scarf off his head and retied it as he waited for me to reply. “Do you know that sometimes I wish I was you?”

  “Aw honey, you shouldn’t. It’s a shit show being me.” He laughed, making light of his predicament. “Be careful what you wish for.”

  “Seriously. You and Bobby, no one cares. They let you be who you are, you know. I mean I know your brothers give you a hard time. But your parents, they leave you alone. You still get good grades, you have a job, you have an older boyfriend and they just let you be.” I began to cry, the tears spilling down my cheeks. “I wish I was you.”

  I sobbed, leaning into him. “Oh Aly, I’m sorry. But time will go by faster than you think.”

  “No, it won’t. I haven’t talked to him in 8 weeks. He told me when he got out of rehab that he needed to focus on the band because he was going on tour again and that we’d talk when he got back. I don’t think it’ll ever be the same.”

  “Girlfriend, it can’t be the same. Maybe it’ll be better. Think positive.”

  “You make it sound so easy. By the way, my brother went off on my dad and told him he was moving out after graduation. Dude, you shoulda been there, you woulda shit yourself.”

  “No way!” His eyes flashed wide in disbelief. “What’d your dad do?”

  “He just made threats. Everything at home is a big huge downer. You can actually feel it in the air. Everything’s changed.” I sniffled the snot back up my nose. “I feel like it’s all my fault, like if I’d just done what I was told my dad would be happy.” I began to sob again. It was uncontrollable. I felt overwhelming guilt. “And Kyle wouldn’t be moving out.” I wept harder and Marshall held me tighter.

  “Oh Aly…” Marshall rested his head on my shoulder and grabbed my hand.

  “And Jake wouldn’t have gotten addicted to those pills!” I couldn’t control my crying. I began to hyperventilate, hiccupping and snorting with each breath.

  “Aly, you can’t blame yourself for all that, seriously.”

  I sighed out loudly. I knew he was right. “You’re right, but I still feel so bad, you know. Marshall, I’m gonna call him.”

  “Really? Isn’t he still in rehab? Like no phones allowed?”

  “I have to hear his voice, Marshall.” I stared at my phone. “He got out of rehab three weeks ago and is on tour again.”

  “Why do you have to talk to him?” Marshall looked at me wary. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Yeah, well nothing I do is a good idea.”

  Marshall and I took a short walk to the nearby park down the street. It was a park that was in an odd spot, as if a house should have been built there. It was a square lot between two huge houses, like someone donated the lot space or something, but there was no plaque stating such a thing, just a wooden sign with painted blue trim – “Jefferson Park”. We walked up and sat on the swings.

  “Ok, here goes it.”

  My hands shook slightly and my palms grew wet. When I heard his voice I melted into a puddle. I could te
ll by the sound of his voice he was surprised and happy to hear from me.

  “Hey you,” I said, my voice shaky.

  He breathed heavily into the phone. “Hey Alycat.”

  My heartbeat jumped. “How are you?”

  “I feel pretty good, I guess.”

  “Where are you?”

  “In Nebraska.” He laughed softly.

  I felt the tension pulling through the phone line. “Um, Kyle told my dad he’s moving out after he graduates. It was a shit show at the house earlier.”

  “Aw man. How did your dad react?”

  “In the same fashion as he always does. I can’t worry about Kyle. I just want this all to go away. Like I wanna move on with my life without my dad pushing me down, you know.”

  “Sounds like your moving on just fine.” He said flatly.

  My stomach dropped. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Nothing, Aly. I just want you to be happy. It’s just tough though, you know. Hearing things. I miss you every single day like this shit just happened yesterday and when I hear that you’re hanging out with Mike it makes me wanna vomit.”

  I thought my brain would bleed out when I heard his words. “What are you talking about?”

  “It doesn’t matter. Don’t try to spare me,” he said cynically, the sweet tone disappearing from his voice.

  “Jake, I’m not hanging out with him.”

  “Whatever you wanna call it, Aly.”

  “Jake I miss you like you’ve died. I listen to our song a million times every day, all day long. I read your text messages over and over again and I draw little stupid hearts around your name every time I have a pen in my hand. It’s not going away. There’s this huge emptiness, always.” I admitted, desperately.

  The whoosh of the nearby freeway was all I could hear. I moved the phone away from my face to check if the call had been disconnected. The seconds remained, ticking away. He was silent and the tears welled up in my eyes. Marshall was right. I should have never called. Just because he said he missed me, didn’t mean anything would change. I sat rocking back and forth on the swing, trying to kick the sand beneath my feet farther and farther away. I’d dug a huge hole before I realized it. Marshall sat pensively staring at me, viciously chewing at his dark purple nails.

  “Jake?”

  “I’m here, Aly, I’ll always be here.” I barely made out his words and I cried harder when I realized their meaning.

  “Really? You don’t hate me?”

  “Aly, I love you. Everything I do, I think of you. How could I hate you? I’m where I’m a now, because of you. Everything I create is about you.”

  The world stopped.

  I sat staring at the phone in my hands, my sad tears now replaced by happy ones. “Marshall, I wish I could speed up time, like in the movies.”

  “What did he say?”

  “All the things I wanted to hear.” I smiled, wiping the tears away. “I gotta get back home. I told my mom I would only be gone an hour.”

  We strolled past Nicole’s house and I could hear laughter coming over the wall from their back yard. I thought how I missed hanging out with her and how so much has changed. Her and Grant were still going strong, just another couple that was no big deal.

  “Is it bad that I’m jealous of Nicole and Grant?”

  “No. We all get jealous. I’m jealous of you,” he said, giving me a goofy grin.

  “I’m jealous of you too.” I nudged. “I guess we all have our shit, right?”

  Marshall grabbed my hand, squeezing it tight. I didn’t let go and he didn’t either.

  “Aly, you’re an angel. I prayed so hard that going into high school would be easy. I prayed to make new friends and for them to accept me for who I am. Then you came along and my life changed. You’re the angel that God sent to me.”

  “Why are you gonna make me cry more?” I laughed through more tears and wrapped my arm around him. “Marshy I couldn’t have gotten through so much without you.”

  50

  Jake

  I tried not to think of Mike and Aly being friends and wondered if he’d tried to make a move on her yet. The thought of him touching her soft, clean skin with his smelly cigarette hands made my ears ring. The sad fact was I had to get over it. He wasn’t going anywhere. He was near her and I wasn’t. I could only hope that if he did come on to her, that she’d kick him in the nuts. I had no room to complain because Rachel was hangin’ around too.

  I didn’t tell anyone I’d been talking to Aly again, my feelings for her were stronger than ever, but it didn’t mean anything either. We couldn’t be together. She was bound to get over me at some point and find another boyfriend. The thought of someone else being with her made my ulcers burn. The ulcers were the lovely side effect from all my pill popping. I had no idea how bad the physical toll was that they’d taken on me. I’d lost nearly ten pounds by the end. I was a disheveled mess and looked like shit. The good thing was the ulcers were slowly healing. Each day was a struggle and the only outlets I had were my music and calling my sponsor, Amy James, in addition to Narcotics Anonymous meetings.

  I was determined not to be druggie like those people in the meetings. Some of them were successful and some of them had lost it all. Lost their families, husbands, wives, and their babies were born addicted. My situation came on so fast I didn’t want to admit I was stuck.

  Dump was my supportive load-baring wall. I didn’t know what I’d do without him. He knew exactly what I was going through. The depression and withdrawal effect were the most agonizing things I’d ever gone through, sweating and reeking with weakness. I think if Dump hadn’t gone through the same thing, he’d beaten my ass and left the band for good. Thinking how everything unfolded after my drug bust made me cringe. I’d attacked Dump when he tried to block my exit from the rehab facility, ripping and tearing at his favorite, vintage Sid and Nancy t-shirt. I’d destroyed it. He’d bear hugged me until I could barely breath and the sobs that followed came deep from within me. I still couldn’t believe I behaved that way.

  Once again Aly and I made plans to see each other with Kyle’s help. It was just after dark and I sat wringing my hands and running them through my hair in nervous anticipation of her arrival. My hair, I thought. Aly didn’t know I’d let the black dye grow out and fade away. It wasn’t as blond as it was before I dyed it, but it was certainly blonde enough, much like my mother’s. Would she recognize me?

  I’d developed a new, acceptable habit of drinking coffee. Coffee was my new vice. I knew exactly where every Starbuck’s location was on any well-traveled route I took. I was painfully eager and watched every car pull into the parking lot through my dusty, water spotted window and when I recognized Kyle’s black Toyota Land Cruiser, my hands tingled. Kyle’s girlfriend sat in the front seat. Aly was in the back. I rubbed my damp palms on my jeans and stood up from the stool, then sat back down. I laughed to myself and looked around to see if anyone noticed my indecisiveness. All the people around were in the midst of their own preoccupied coffee loving antics of putting cream in their cups and slurping away, their faces lit up by their computer screens.

  I stepped outside and Aly approached me, apprehensively. The closer she got the more I felt that familiar verve that brought me to life. Her doe-like eyes searched mine, cautiously. “Hey, you,” she said tenderly, as if I would break if she spoke any louder. “Look at your hair, you look so different and so much better. I was so worried about you.”

  I was such a pussy now. I felt like I could cry, instead I bit down on the inside of my mouth, hard. “Time and lockdown does wonders,” I said, trying to be humorous. I was afraid to touch her.

  She reached out, wrapping her arms around me and held me snug. My arms floated, taking her tighter against me. I felt my eyelids droop as I dropped five levels into temporary paradise. I rested my cheek on her head and breathed her in, burying my face into her hair. I took her face into my hands. She was crying, tears wetting her face. I kissed her eyes and
her cheeks, tasting their saltiness.

  “Aly, don’t cry.” I whispered, my voice cracking, trying to choke back my own tears. “Hey, listen. This is all gonna pass.”

  “It’s just hard, you know. Trying to move on without you.” She sniffed, wiping under her eyes.

  “Let’s sit down.” I suggested. “How long do you have?”

  “Kyle’s going to the movies down the street, so however long that is. He said to call him if you needed to go.”

  I held her hand tightly, as if it would be the last time. I didn’t let it go as I pulled two silver chairs next to each other at the farthest end of the patio.

  “How’ve you been?”

  “Ok, I guess.” She paused, looking down. “That’s a lie. I can’t believe you’re here.”

  She laughed half-heartedly, pinching the tips of my fingers between her own. I felt like we were being watched. I glanced around, but it was hard for me to make anything out in the distance. Was there anyone watching us? No. I was just paranoid.

  “I’m sorry, Alycat.”

  “What’s there to be sorry about?”

  “The pills. Lying to you about them. At the time I didn’t really think I had a problem and how that all went down and ruining our chances.”

  “The most important thing is that you’re ok now and things with your band are great. Our chances were slim before that. I still believe…in us.” She sniffed, pulling her hand away from me, covering her mouth, holding back tears.

  My heart ached. “I believe too. It just blows that it can’t be now.”

  Her lips quivered. “Am I ever gonna see you again?”

  “Come here,” I said forcing her toward me and wrapped my cold hand around the back of her neck, the warmth of her sent chills over me. I kissed her forehead and whispered in her ear. “This is not the end, I won’t let it be. I love you and I won’t let them win, Aly. As long as you want to be with me.” I confirmed, placing my hand over her heart, my eyes seeking hers. I couldn’t read her and I lifted her chin and kissed her.