She folded, leaning into me and kissed me deeply. “Jake, you’re my everything,” she muttered, breathless. Her hands reached up under my shirt and her cool fingers tickled my back. “But it’s not possible, not now and it sucks.”
She pouted and backed away, my hands rested in hers.
She sighed. “I haven’t paid attention to what you’ve been doing, you know, staying away from the Internet and all.” She stalled, deliberating. “I can’t stand seeing you with other girls, even if they’re fans.”
“I know how you feel.” I replied, disturbed. “It’s tough when you see and hear things.”
My thoughts flashed to all the things that Rachel so conveniently informed me of. She’s ever delighted to show me pictures of the going’s on at school. Even though I’m keen to her game, the fact that Mike and Aly are loosely hanging out remains intolerable.
I couldn’t stand it anymore and had to say something. “I don’t have the same discipline as you do.”
“What do you mean?” She replied, a little too fast. She released my hands and leaned back in her seat. A flash of fear registered in her eyes. “If you have something to say, Jake, just spit it out.”
I fought to keep myself dispassionate, but she was trying to hide behind a surprising bravado.
I chuckled lightly, shaking my head. “Aly, let’s be real here, please. Have you forgotten how much time I’ve had to myself?”
She huffed and her eyes narrowed.
I continued. “Whether you want to admit it or not, I know you’ve been hanging out with Mike. Whatever’s going on between you two, it’s just a tough pill to swallow. I don’t care if you’re just saying hello to him.”
Aly looked instantly ashamed, blinking twice and looking away. My heart froze. Was there more to them than I knew?
“I don’t know what to say, Jake. We’re friends. He’s not like he was when I first met him. It’s just a normal relationship, like I have with everyone else.” She shrugged and continued. “Where do we go from here?”
“That depends,” I said, solemnly, considering what to say next. “If you hadn’t called. I would have left you alone, for the both of us. I’d just hoped that in the future, that maybe we’d have another chance. You know, like if the planet’s aligned or something. My feelings haven’t changed for you, they’re stronger than ever, but it just has to be different right now. If we wanna remain friends and have any future together, there has to be an understanding.”
“About what?” She asked, perplexed.
She shivered, pulling her arms close to her and breathed into her hands. The temperature dropped suddenly as a light fog rolled in, filtering the outside lighting in the distance.
“Come here,” I coaxed, reaching for her elbow. Even though our knees were touching. I wanted her closer. “Sit on my lap.”
Aly wrapped her arms around me and buried her face in my neck. “I feel I’ll lose my mind with out you in my life,” she admitted, weakly.
“I know what you mean,” I said rubbing her thigh, wishing it was bare and not covered by her black cotton legging. “Wanna hear some new music?”
She smiled devilishly. “Yeah.”
“You think we can get away with sitting in my truck?”
“Yeah.” She sung, excitedly, smiling from ear to ear and jumping up off my lap. “Don’t you feel like we’re getting away with something?”
“For the moment we are.” I grabbed her hand and pulled her to me. “Anything for you. I risk jail for you.”
She stood on her tiptoes and kissed me hard and the warmth of her tongue on my lips sent a throbbing feeling through me. I moaned and kissed her, deeper. Our lips stayed locked almost all the way to my truck, caution stomped out with each step. Feeling her warm skin beneath my hands, after all these months, nearly sent me out of control.
“Can’t we go somewhere? I’ll call Kyle and…”
“Aly, stop,” I said. I gently pushed her hand away from my groin. “I’m sorry. I want this so bad, but not like this.” My words seared with desire.
“Why? I may never see you again,” she said, her voice cracked.
“That’s not true and you know it.”
I moved, turning the ignition to crack the windows that had become fogged from the heat and moisture of our breath.
I continued. “We’ll do this again soon. Christmas is coming and I’ll be home and you’ll be out of school. We’ll see each other then.”
“You know how hard it’s going to be, having you only yards away?”
“Yep. I live it every time I come home.”
As long as the fire ignited between us when we saw each other, I would always keep her at the forefront of my mind.
I headed straight to my sponsor’s pad. With all the forced therapy and counseling, I was now familiar enough with myself to know my cycle of downward spiral. Coming down from any excitement was always tough. Like after a gig or thinking too much about Aly and our circumstances always threw me to popping a pill to take the edge off. Now knowing it’s some sort of depression or anxiety. I felt that blaze of blistering yearning in the pit of my stomach and needed someone to talk me down.
Amy had been through the wringer and looked like it too. She never gave two shits about what she looked like. She was a throwback to the hippy days. She’d used LSD and everything else under the sun, and lived to tell about it. She’d been Dump’s sponsor too. She opened her door wearing some sort of an ornamental gold colored, jewel-encrusted headband. She wore a light pink tank top without a bra. I never asked but she had to be in her late fifties, her tits had seen better days. Sometimes I wondered if she dressed like that on purpose, to test me - as if she’d go change into something skimpy or revealing when I told her I was coming.
I concentrated on the headpiece.
“Hey, Ames,” I said, melancholy, not making eye contact with her.
I could feel her taking me in and I finally looked at her. Her thin wrinkly arm ran up the door jam as she leaned against it. She wasn’t too surprised to see me.
“Why so glum?” her raspy voice questioned.
“Believe it or not, I just spent some time with Aly.”
“Whoa shit, brother, come on in!” she sang out excitedly. She loved the drama of it all. “What the hell were you thinking, anyway? You know I’m supposed to report any wrong doing.”
Unconcerned, I replied. “Call the cops.”
“You really don’t mean that, because if you’re gonna be an asshole, I will.” Her playfulness disappeared with my smart comeback. “I’m giving you a chance here, Jake. Don’t blow this.”
“Amy, I’m sorry. I’m just at that place you know.”
“Sit. Want somethin’ to drink? I’m gonna make coffee,” she sang out in a gentle tone. “I know how you love you some coffee.”
“Sure.”
I sat down on her worn black leather sofa. Her pad was eclectic to say the least. There were a hundred little figurines of owls of all shapes, sizes, wooden and metal. She painted, and there were canvases everywhere, all half covered with her paint strokes. Not one of them was finished. Everything went along perfectly with her personality. She walked into her kitchen and I observed the nervous tick she had of raising her eyebrows and opening her mouth in a little ‘o’ then stretching it wide open, over and over again. It had to be the damage from her drug abuse. She could have been really pretty once.
“You think I’ll always be this way? Feeling so empty without her? Me feeling so high and then so low at every turn?”
“Jake, let me put it to you this way, and I’ve said this many times. I think I’m gonna have to start beating you. You have a talent. You have your music. You need to channel your demons into making music with you.” She coached, as she waved the empty coffee cup in her hand at me.
“That’s what I’ve been doing. It’s just tough. Sleeping is the problem. It’s like I don’t dream. I stay on the surface, hearing all the noises around me. My brain won’t turn off. I thin
k about all my dreams and how I want Aly to be a part of them. The future, she’s the future.”
She handed me a cup of steaming black gold and I took a sip.
Amy sighed deeply, taking sips out of her bright aqua marine colored cup. “You’re a good looking kid, Jake. You have your life ahead of you. You should be having a good time. Experiencing life, you come here every time you come home from your touring and you feel empty, you say it’s because you feel incomplete without Aly. I’m not so sure that’s what it is. The quicksand of addiction is easily disguised, Jake.” She blinked three times and took another sip. “You’re staying on the surface because there are bigger issues than you and Aly.”
What she said sent a shock through me like I’d broken a bone. “It’s funny you say that.”
“Why?”
“No one’s ever put it to me like that.” I muttered and shrugged.
“You’re different than the other former druggies that come through here, Jake.”
“I was never a druggie,” I said low and harsh. I was hell bent on not having a relapse. “I’m not gonna be like you, Amy. I popped pills I didn’t shoot poison into my veins and end up homeless by losing my family from a decade of hard core drug use.”
As soon as the harsh words left my mouth, I regretted them. Amy smiled softly and pushed aside a stack of magazines, placing her cup on the coffee table. Her faced stretched out and she looked over her shoulder.
I huffed, agitated. She couldn’t be serious about me being a druggie and placing me in the same category as her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it…”
“Sure you did.” she interrupted. “The truth will set you free.”
She looked over her shoulder again.
“Amy, do you know what you’re doing? I mean, do you know that you’re always looking over your shoulder?”
Her face stretched out again.
I continued. “Do you know that you make faces?” I paused, rubbing my face. I wasn’t trying to be a dick anymore. “I don’t wanna be a druggie, Amy. I’m sorry. I know you’re only trying to help.”
I felt a lump form in my throat.
She leaned back stretching her arms over her head and her boobs stared at me. I looked away, not wanting to stare at her nipples that faced the ground. Shit, why did I come here?
“I’m aware of my nervous…behavior,” she said quietly. “And no, you’re not a druggie like me, a former druggie let me correct myself, but we don’t want you to become one.”
I thought about what she said - “staying on the surface.”
“There’s a bunch of stuff with my mom, you know and my dad and my manager.” I went on, retelling the story to Amy, every small detail, so she would fully understand. “I try just to push it all back, the fact my dad was having an affair and the still unclear relationship between my mother and Notting. Because it really has nothing to do with me, right? Am I right?”
“Right. Those things have nothing to do with you. Jake, this is a slippery subject. Do you really even know the truth? Have you talked to your mom? Let me put it to you this way, what I’ve learned is, parent’s make choices and some put their kids first, and others, like me, chose something that meant more to them at the time.”
“I didn’t mean to bring this up to put this on you.”
“I know.” Amy stalled, rubbing her mouth, contemplating. “What I’m trying to say is your mother did the best she could with what she had at the time, and even now. Maybe someday you’ll be able to sit with her and discuss all of this. But in the meantime focus on you, Jake. Don’t let what your parent’s did or didn’t do, define who you’ll become.”
I gulped. The conversation was beyond deep.
52
Rachel
Holiday Bomb 2012 arrived with as much flare as ever, my last and final high school party. My house was decorated in silver and white. My mother was impressed with my selections of faux trees and lighting. She’s complimented me on the placement of my arrangements and offered me to be her assistant on her next job for The Screen Actor’s Guild. Working with her was something I thought would never happen in a million years. Things were looking up for me.
Dump and Sienna were the first to arrive and we chilled sitting at my back yard table. “So, you’re not gonna believe this, but I met someone,” I blurted out.
Dump slammed his hands down on the table’s wooden surface so hard that the red cups hopped in the air. “Hallafuckingluja! Can we all just move on now, finally?”
Sienna guffawed and elbowed Dump hard. “Stop it!”
“Ouch! Damn, Darlin’,” Dump smirked, glancing between the both of us. “That little Python of yours got some bite.” He rubbed his arm a bit longer. “That’s gonna be a bruise, you know.”
“You deserve it,” Sienna remarked, but then she reached over babying him, rubbing the area she’d just abused. “I’m sorry.”
Dump reached over grabbing his pack of cigs off the table, popping one in his mouth. “So who’s the unlucky bastard?”
“His name is Scott and he lives in Palos Verdes.”
“Really?” Sienna chirped. “What the hell? Did you just meet him? Like yesterday?”
I laughed. “No, I met him when I was with my mom at one of her events.”
“So? Prey tale.” Sienna begged.
“He’s a valet.”
Dump laughed. “I bet your mom loved hearing that.”
“She did!” I laughed too. “She was such a rotten crotch to him.”
“And you weren’t?” he asked.
“Actually, no I wasn’t. It was kinda unexpected. At first I thought, as if, naturally. But then something just happened and I can’t tell you what it was. The funniest thing of all, my mom thinks he’s some loser, the help, but he’s so not. His house is bigger than ours and his dad is some big shot. His parent’s make him work for everything. I’m never telling my mom. I want her to die a slow death thinking I’ll fall in love with losers for the rest of my life.”
We all laughed our heads off at the thought.
Jake finally arrived and his eyes roamed around and I knew he was looking for Mike and Aly. I wondered what game he was playing and how he could tolerate Mike being with Aly, when he clearly was still in love with her. The whole thing seemed sick, more than anything I would have been able to handle.
Poor Mike.
The DJ’s beats pulsed through me. I watched as my back yard began to fill with people. The six commercial sized heat lamps placed around kept the growing crowd warm. Thankfully my parents were on their way to their own New Year’s Eve festivities, because I needed to calm down. I found one of my fringe friends all the more willing to knock back a shot of tequila with me.
I was nervous about having Jake and Scott in the same room and apprehensive about Mike and Aly. I searched the thickening crowd for any of them. A soft blow in my ear sent my hand flying back into Scott’s face and his beer sloshed out all over the front of him. I was so involved in my search that I didn’t realize he and his friends had arrived.
“Oh my god, Scott, I’m so sorry!” I laughed and apologized profusely. “I thought maybe you were some drunk d-bag trying to be cute!”
“It’s cool.” He held out his arms and tugged on the front of his jacket, leaning over trying to keep the droplets of beer from falling onto his pants. “Got a towel?”
“Yes! Of course I do, come on,” I said loudly over the music. I could barely hear myself.
He towered over me, handsome and golden. He and his friends followed me through the crowd and low and behold I spotted Mike, finally. It was hard to recognize him with his new hair color. He was chatting up a new chick from school, Carina Herzkova, another underclassman. She was new to America & barely spoke English, but she was supermodel hot with her ice-blue eyes and her long limbs and long dark wavy hair. A tinge of insecurity ran through me. She stood out for sure and I glanced back at Scott to see if he’d be checking her out, as sure as Jake would always do, but he was staring a
t me and smiled when our eyes met.
“You have a nice home,” he said leaning in closer, placing his hand on my back. His cold fingers pressed into my neck and it made me tingle.
A barrage of people kept coming by saying hello and thank you and what a great party. I waved and smiled. Leading them into the kitchen I grabbed a white dishtowel from the neatly piled stack next to the refrigerator and handed it to Scott.
“For your jacket. I’m really sorry, do you want some soda water?”
Scott laughed, patting and rubbing at the spots. “Nah, this jacket’s had more beer and booze spilt on it than any other. It would feel neglected if it didn’t have a little at each party.” He teased and walked over, running his hands under the kitchen faucet.
I sighed, feeling a little nervous. “Thanks for coming.”
“Of course, it was either some other party with people I see all the time or this and well, this definitely seemed more interesting.” His eyes flirted with mine, and my heart skipped.
I was about to suggest that we move into the other room where there was more privacy when Mike appeared. “Hey, what up?” He nodded to Scott and I. I was beyond irritated with his timing.
“Hey. Um, Scott this is my friend Mike.” I felt awkward which was uncommon for me. “Where’s Aly? You know, Jake is here.”
“Hey man,” Scott said and extended his hand. Mike blinked weirdly at the both of us, like he thought it was odd. Maybe it was at a party like this, but I admired Scott for trying. Mike quickly shook his hand, but basically ignored him. “Aly’s on her way with Modern Family.”
Scott glanced between the two of us, looking confused and I decided to explain. “This guy, who goes to school with us is gay and he’s hanging out with some people we know, whatever…. And my ex’s former girlfriend is now hanging out with Mike. It’s confusing.” Scott just shook is head and drank his beer as Mike rambled on, sounding like the shallow idiot I knew him to be.
First Kiss (Heavy Influence) Page 36