First Kiss (Heavy Influence)

by Frohoff, Ann Marie

  A week after the most humiliating event in my life, my dad stepped into my room all authoritatively and my barriers went up. “Alyssa, this has gone on long enough. Either you get up and get out of this room or I’ll have to send you to a psychiatrist.”

  Was there really no end to his bullshit control? “I really have nothing to say to you, dad, and for the record, I do plan on going to school on Monday amd Mom already made an appointment with some head doctor, so don’t you worry,” I informed coldly. “You can close the door on your way out.”

  He hovered for a moment and went to shut the door, but opened it again.

  “One of these days, Alyssa, you’re going to see that I love you very much.”

  As soon as I heard the word love, a lump formed in my throat. “Apparently love has conditions with you, dad, and I’m just not meeting them.”

  I couldn’t look at him, but I heard him sigh, deeply. He walked all the way in and shut the door, sitting on my bed. My dad with his normally strong fit stature, looked beaten and overcome with sadness. My heart sunk and I felt the sting in my eyes. I looked away from him when I felt the tears coming.

  “Alyssa, I had a long talk with Jake and…”

  “I don’t wanna talk about him with you!” I yelled and buried my face away in my pillows. I felt him grab my foot. “Go away!” I screamed into my bedding.

  He kept talking. “I just wanted to protect you from certain things, things that your sister had experienced. I believed that if I instilled certain rules and values, it would keep you away from trouble, and Kyle would think twice before getting into something that could potentially change his life forever. Your mother and I didn’t get into things like this, Alyssa. Sure we messed around, but it wasn’t as complicated.”

  I slowly came around to being able to look at him, and by this time my mom was in the room with us. She cried and told me how much she loved me, and how much she cared for Jake. I’d learned that my dad was actually the one that went and collected him from the police department after Marshall explained to him the whole situation of Jake trying to recue me. My dad felt it was the least he could do to not get Kate or Notting involved under those circumstances.

  My life would never be the same.

  54

  Jake

  Time flies when you’re numb. I could hardly believe I’d graduated high school. It all seemed so unreal, because I hadn’t walked with my friends and classmates wearing our black cap and gowns trimmed in blue. I’d still yet to receive my diploma in the mail, and it’d been four weeks. You plan your life based on how it goes for the majority, but then you’re the minority, which makes life seem tougher, this was my conclusion. I’ll always wonder if I’d lived a normal life, would anything have been that much different. I sat slumped down in one of Amy’s black leather chairs and watched her fritter around her apartment in a white slip dress that was so sheer you could see her animal print underwear. I’d come to understand that’s just who she was, a bohemian hippy, happy to be alive and sober. She was the only one who understood me at the moment.

  I’d fallen off the pill pop wagon and got back on again. Six months had passed since I’d beat Mike unconscious and I was picking up the pieces, trying to hold my band together and keep my distance from Aly. We were finally signed to an independent label, under the Universal umbrella and one of our songs had hit radio with a little bit of success, but with all that, I still felt like I was missing an appendage.

  “What’s the scoop? You headin’ home today? I heard you talking that you were going to your mom’s.” Amy said as she plopped down on the floor, placing her lunch plate in front of her. “You want some? It’s turkey avo on wheat.”

  “I hate avocado.”

  “Yeah, well, maybe it’ll do ya some good.” She took a huge bite and waved her finger at me as she chewed. “You need to get tested tomorrow. Don’t forget. This will be it, then you should be off probation.”

  My stomach turned with excitement and I smiled. “Yeah, it’ll be nice to have all that shit behind me.”

  She looked at me cautiously. “Is it really behind you? Don’t screw with me, can’t con and conman, you know. I feel it, I see it, and there ain’t nothing behind you yet.”

  Her question dug at me and I ignored it, getting up. “Ok, I’m outta here. Thanks for letting me crash, eat you out of house and home and all that shit.”

  Amy looked at me thoughtfully and took a drink of her water, smacking her lips. “Take care, Jake. You’ve come a long way. You’re 18 and you’ve been given a gift and too many second chances. You really need to put to rest the things that hold you down. You’re wings have grown back, fly away.”

  Amy’s used all those words so many times. They finally resonated for so long I began to believe them. “I know and that’s why I’m making some drastic changes.”

  “What?” Interest pitched up her tone.

  I sighed, still unsure if I’d pull the trigger. “I’ll let you now when I make the jump.” I smiled cleverly and walked out the door.

  I’d come to really care about Amy. She’d turned into the big sister I’d never had. Between her and Notting, they were my rocks. I was forced to move in with Notting to get away from Aly’s next door presence and I’d barely spoken to my mother ever since, mainly because she didn’t have anything to say to me. In her eyes, I’d gone crazy and she wondered what she did wrong. I’d had enough of hearing how my life choices were about her. I didn’t think she’d ever change. I dreaded telling her of the bands plans.

  After much deliberation with Notting and the band, we all agreed and decided a change would do us good, especially after the offer Notting was presented with. We were offered a huge European tour and I was still in shock about it. I drove to my mother’s to give her the news and to talk to Mr. Montgomery. Aly was still all I could think about. I loved her too much to sit by and watch her fail at things because of me.

  A knock came at our door. Even though I knew it was coming, my heart stopped when I heard his rumbling voice. Aly’s dad was there to talk to me. I crept closer to get a better listen. My mother was indifferent to him. I could hear it in her voice. “You have real boldness, coming over here, Frank.” She’d had enough of anything that had to do with the Montgomery’s after all of his scalding insults toward her as a mother. She’d said it was all so unfortunate.

  “Jake called me and asked me to come over.”

  “Oh, I see.” Kate’s voice softened. “Well, then. Jake!” She yelled for me and my heartbeat went from 80 to 500.

  I wasn’t ready for this.

  Mr. Montgomery towered over my mother and she disappeared into her bedroom without a word when she saw me turn the corner into the foyer. We shook hands and a few awkward second ticked by and I finally began blurting out what my plans were and I asked if I could speak to Aly, alone. I reiterated to him how much I cared for her and that all I wanted was what was best for her.

  He nodded pensively at me. “Good luck with everything, Jake.” He shook my hand respectfully. “Come over whenever you’re ready.”

  ***

  My mother stood with me at our front door, her crinkled forehead matched mine. My hands were damp from anxiety. I hadn’t laid eyes on Aly since I saw her looking beat up and stripped down at Rachel’s house. I still wanted to kill Mike and was glad his ass spent a long time in jail, thanks to Mr. Montgomery and his inability to come up with bail.

  “This is just a little blip in your life, Jake.” She tried to reach out for me, but I backed away. I was still so annoyed with her about so many things. “You are so much bigger than all this. You’ll see.”

  “Mom, stop with the pep talk.” I jabbed and walked out the door and crossed our lawns, to deliver the news to Aly.

  My insides were a billion colorful, squiggly lines as I made my way to Aly’s house. I felt out of control, even though I was in the most control I’d been in a long time. It was as if my arm moved in slow motion when I reached out to knock on the door. Al
y’s dad opened it and he didn’t say a word. He looked drawn and unhappy. He blinked three times before removing his glasses and rubbed his eyes as if he was seeing things. He yelled out for Aly to come down. I instantly felt the surge, the energy that was only between Aly and I. She was getting closer. When she saw me her eyes popped wide and she gasped. I gulped. I don’t ever recall feeling like I could burst out crying, but I knew what I felt in my jaw and throat was burn of emotion.

  Aly stood at the door looking disheveled, wearing pink lady bug pajama bottoms. Typical Aly, naturally beautiful as ever and I wanted to punch at the air, at the frustrations of life. Her hair had grown so long over the year that it cascaded all around her shoulders and chest. She wrung her hands. “Um, this is kinda awkward.” She whispered, looking over her shoulder. “What’s going on?”

  I sighed and got sick to my stomach. “I called your dad and asked if I could see you.”

  She breathed in heavily, and nodded. She wouldn’t look at me. She was silent, staring down and I saw the tears begin to leak down her cheeks. I reached for her hand and pulled her out the door and shut it. I wrapped her in my arms, tight against my chest. “Stop crying. Please,” I said it for me more than for her, as moister filled my own eyes and I gulped over and over again, trying to hold it back. “Hey…”

  “I’m so sorry, Jake. I’m so beyond mortified. I didn’t mean for things to go so far with Mike.”

  I couldn’t control my feelings and cupped her beautiful, sad face in my hands, trying to kiss her tears away. “Hey, shush, we did this together. It’s not your fault.”

  We stood holding each other as if we’d die if we let go. “I can’t believe my dad let you see me.” Her muffled words squeezed through the fabric of my t-shirt. I felt her warm breath at my chest and knew how quickly I’d get caught up again if I let myself. I knew I had to just tell her, but I struggled with the delivery.

  “Hey, I’m here because I have to tell you something. It’s good…and bad news.”

  “I want the good news.” She said pulling away, sitting down at the rot-iron patio table. She wiped her face with hands that sported blue glittering finger nail polish.

  I tried to stay up beat. “Nice nails,” I said, kicking her foot and stepped over sitting on the chair next to hers.

  “Spit it out,” She ordered, quietly. Her eyes were red and bloodshot as they searched mine.

  “The band is going to Europe. We’ve been offered a pretty big tour and if it goes well, we’ll stay there for a while and on the east coast too.”

  She nodded passively. “I’m happy for you. I really am.” She was cold, but how else did I expect her to respond.

  “You know this is good for the both of us, right?”

  “Does it really matter? Anymore?” She asked almost cruelly. “We’ve barely spoken in almost six months, Jake.”

  “It’s not because I didn’t want to, Aly. This is just as painful for me as it is for you,” I retorted defensively.

  She looked away from me because she knew I was right. “It doesn’t matter anymore.” She stifled her tears and pressed her hand hard against her pink lips.

  “It matter’s to me, Aly. I love you. Everything that’s happed good with the band is because of you…”

  “Who are you going on tour with?” She interrupted and my stomach went into a ball. I was hoping she wouldn’t ask.

  “We’re opening for…Eva James.”

  Aly’s eyes narrowed in on mine and I felt the energy between us falter as if she turned it off. “You’re sleeping with her, aren’t you? You know what…” She stood up and paced, huffing. Her chest heaved with each step. “It doesn’t matter. Because for some reason, you never thought of me that way, or you would have taken your many chances! Instead you choose some fucking…who knows what!!! This is how you operate. You say you love me, but then don’t have the balls to tell me you’ve been seeing someone else!”

  I couldn’t argue with her, because it was true. I’d been seeing Eva.

  “You can’t blame me for carrying on with my life! And I wanted to honor you, Aly! Your father already thinks I’m a piece of shit! But you know what? At least I can walk away from this knowing I loved you enough to care about it. You’re 15, Aly.” I stood up to meet her and she backed away.

  “I know how old I am, Jake! You’re a coward. After everything, why couldn’t you tell me? I sit here and live my life day after day, thinking and looking forward that we’re gonna be together, because of the things you’ve said to me…”

  “We’re still gonna be together, Aly.” I yelled over her rant and she quieted. “If I could be with you now, I would.”

  We stood at odds. “Please, don’t do this. Don’t blame me for all of this. I never made any promises on timing, Aly. Everything I’ve said to you I’ve meant. But I can’t stand by and watch you be with other people and pretend that I’m ok with it, and I don’t expect you to do the same. The whole Mike thing was a joke. I was miserable. Your father hates me. My mom hates the thought of us. We need to grow up.”

  “You’re already fucking grown up, now, aren’t you?” She shouted and her face twisted into a pathetic sob. “You’re a coward! You made me waste months thinking we’d be together! I should have known better!”

  Aly and I went around and around in conversational circles about who was right and who was wrong and rehashed every painful, pathetic moment trying to keep score. I was exhausted and I was over it.

  “I can’t do this anymore, Aly. I’ve gotta get out of here,” I announced, defeated. “I’m sorry, but we’re never gonna change, at least not now.”

  I stepped toward the gate and she came after me, “Jake, please don’t go. Not like this.” Her voice quivered, unsteadily.

  I wanted to hold her, but I just couldn’t. I had to be strong and walk away, or we’d never learn. “Aly, I love you.” Those were the last words I spoke and I left her crying and never looked back.

  My mother must have been waiting at the door for me, because she was right there when I came through it. As soon as I reached her I began to cry, the deepest pain I think I’d ever felt coursed through me and I collapsed on the floor and the tears didn’t stop for what seemed like an hour. My mother sat next to me holding me, rocking back and forth. She was crying too and for the first time, she said nothing. I looked up at the wall of black and white photos and searched through the blur of tears for the ones I’d added of Aly. The ones my mother never said anything about.

  I’d be taking those with me to New York.

  It was almost midnight and I’d sat on my own bed for the first time in months. It felt odd being there, knowing Aly was next door and hating me. She’d text me several times and I’d deleted them. I couldn’t stand reading them anymore, as every word whipped and seared me. The light flickered bright and then went dim from the TV, over and over again as the images danced around the screen. It reminded me of all the nights spent there with Aly. I sat like old times, strumming my guitar and the song that came out was our next radio song, a duet with a hired voice, and it was bigger hit that our first, and the most poignant. I wondered what Aly would think when she heard it.

  Talk About It

  So far away

  This thing that we started

  Has ended just right

  You let me down

  I never promised I would be the one

  And it’s over now

  I don’t wanna talk about it

  I don’t wanna think about where we ended

  I don’t want to think about you

  And all of the things we could have been

  You had my heart

  It’s so hard to keep it when we’re so far apart

  I need you still

  And I wish we could change but I know we never will

  I don’t wanna talk about it

  I don’t wanna think about where we ended

  I don’t want to think about you

  And all of the things we could have been
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br />   I don’t wanna talk about it

  I don’t wanna think about where we ended

  I don’t want to think about you

  And all of the things we could have been

  I don’t wanna talk about it

  I don’t wanna talk about it

  55

  Jake

  Rolling, rolling , rolling. Time doesn’t care what time it is.

  I wasn’t ready to wake up. My head was as thick as a brick. The stink of cigarettes mixed with Victoria’s musky perfume tickled at my senses, and not in a good way. I rolled over moving away from the foul aroma that made my stomach turn. These European’s I’d been hanging with were the smokiest bunch of people I’d ever met. I thought the Midwest of the US was bad, nope. These people smoked like their lives depended on it, like it wouldn’t send them to an early grave.

  I stared over the mess that took over my rented flat. Victoria’s shopping bags, shoes and clothes were strewn everywhere. I wondered how her place looked and if it smelled of smoke as mine did, however faint it was, I hated it. I didn’t think her smoking would bother me but it did. It crept into every fiber and stuck to my skin like sticky invisible tar. It clung to Victoria’s hair too. Since I’d met her, she’d never had clean smelling hair, ever, it was always smoke tinged and now it was gross to me.

  I couldn’t take the mess anymore or the smell of Victoria and her cigarettes. I had to pull my shit together and figure out how to get rid of Victoria. Let’s face it she’d been a quick fix to fill the void and now I’m not so sure the void could ever be filled. There always seemed to be something askew, gnawing at the edges. What time was it anyway? I wondered. It had been dawn when we arrived home, finally. I reached for my Levi’s and dragged myself out of bed.

  I’d met Victoria Wellington half way through our first twelve city European tour. We’d been together nearly every day since, for nearly two months. Or was it longer? Whatever it was I’d had enough. Victoria was a friend of a friend of the headlining band. I spotted her leaning against the wall, smoking, near the backstage entrance as we were loading in. Her long hair and bare back caught my attention and from behind I swore it could have been Aly, as a blonde.