Justify My Love

by Maria Carter

  The baby wasn't even his.

  Vanessa was devastated. She'd convinced herself the reason Goe had been such an asshole was so she could find Eric. That's what Sharon had been trying to tell her, wasn't it? Instead, she was losing not only his love, but her entire future. She was already being told she was too fat to dance. She might be able to snag a modEricng gig with Motherhood Maternity, but...that was it.

  She was left with even less than when she'd started. What was the reason for that?

  "Maybe...Maybe I could...you know...get it taken care of."

  Tom lounged back in the driver's seat. His nose had stopped bleeding. He gave her a sideways glance. He was back to his bored, handsome self once again.

  "You could," he agreed. "But maybe you're going to give birth to the Second Coming or something and you'd be killing Jesus."

  "There are billions of other uteruses he could use."

  "But there's only one you. Look, all rEricgious bull aside, you just have to be sure you can live with it. If you can, I can." He shrugged, and his gaze fell on the object in her hands. "So I know you're traumatized and all, but you do realize that has pee on it, right? You held onto it for about twenty minutes in the bathroom, carried it through Wal-Mart, and now it's in my car. I don't think the answer's changing. Maybe it's time to let the pee stick go."

  Vanessa looked from the pregnancy test to her best friend. He was right.

  More importantly, he brought up a good point about keeping the baby. Vanessa was pro-choice, but she wouldn't be able to handle an abortion. She might not be prepared for a pregnancy; she might not want to give up the life she was living or trying to live; but it wasn't the kid's fault.

  "Shit," she repeated, tossing the test in a plastic bag and dropping it on Tom's floor.

  Her best friend made a face but didn't complain.

  "Do you want to head back?" he asked.

  "Not yet."

  Vanessa needed something to take the edge off. She couldn't drink anymore. She'd never smoked. Coffee was her only option.

  "Coffee," she said.

  "Coffee?"

  "Yes. I need coffee."

  "You're going to calm your nerves with caffeine."

  "Yes. Shut up."

  "Coffee it is."

  Tom started the car and drove to Tiff's. Vanessa just wasn't ready to face Eric yet. She knew there would be questions, and she couldn't give him the answers. This would hurt them both, but she was convinced getting out while things were still good—while things were still simple—was the best decision.

  He hadn't asked for this, and she couldn't picture herself bursting through the door saying, "Hey, Eric, how do you feel about another kid?"

  They sat in a corner booth. Tiff brought their coffee. Vanessa began ripping her napkin into tiny pieces for lack of something better to do.

  "You can't hide out here forever, you know," Tom said finally, when they were halfway through their mugs.

  "I know. Maybe just until they go to sleep."

  "Don't you sleep in the same bed?"

  "Sometimes." Vanessa lifted her gaze to his. "You have plans tonight, don't you? That's why you want to get out of here."

  "Vanessa, I would stay in this crappy little diner with you all night if you wanted me to. But I just don't think it's going to do any good. You can't avoid him forever. And, yes, I have plans."

  She sighed and downed her coffee. Partly to extend their stay, and partly because she hadn't glanced at it in hours, she checked her phone. She had two voicemails. The first was from the body shop. Her car was ready. The second was from Goe, using an unfamiliar phone line:

  "Vanessa, it's me. I'm sorry. I was wrong, and I deserve everything you and your friends throw at me. But I don't want to let this go. I don't want to let you go. I can't stop thinking about you. I love you. Call me when you're back in New York. I'd like to take you to dinner. Just to talk."

  Vanessa took the phone away from her ear. Maybe she should meet with him. He deserved to know he was having a kid, didn't he? The bruise was gone. Their argument seemed far away. Maybe the real reason for all this wasn't so she could end up with Eric, but so she and Goe could reconcile.

  She loved Eric. But what were her options? Pregnant and single or pregnant and not.

  "Who was that?" Tom asked.

  "No one. Telemarketer."

  She couldn't tell Tom. He'd criticize and confuse her further.

  "I want to head back to New York tomorrow. Think you'll be able to tear yourself away from your new boyfriend?" She'd meant to sound teasing, but the sentiment didn't quite reach her voice.

  "Sure, Van." He paused. She knew his next question before he voiced it. "Are you still coming back to Virginia after?"

  "No."

  "You could try it, you know. Telling him. Maybe—"

  "No, I'd rather just leave it the way it is. I mean, would you take in some pregnant chick after knowing her for a week?"

  "I don't know. I guess I might do things I never thought I would if I found the right person."

  "Well, I just can't see it happening. Actually, I can. Knowing Eric, he'd say yes immediately and regret it the rest of his life."

  "Don't make the decision for him. You were willing to accept him, and he's a package deal."

  "Yes, but I'm rebounding and desperate and easy."

  "Vanessa..."

  "No, I am. I am knocked up by my ex-boyfriend and I'm living with a guy I've known for a week." She pointed to herself. "Easy."

  Tom rolled his eyes and looked down at his lap. Vanessa couldn't see what he was doing. Her phone rang. It was a call from Tom. He gestured for her to answer. She pushed send and lifted it to her ear.

  "So, hey, it's Tom," he said into his phone.

  "Hi, Tom."

  "I was just wondering how your pity party's going."

  "Asshole."

  He ended the call. Vanessa stuck her tongue out at him and grabbed her purse.

  It was time to face Eric.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Tom pulled up to Bommer's trailer after dropping Vanessa off. He fiddled with his keys and stepped out of the car. He was scared for her. He knew a pregnancy meant all of her dreams going straight down the tube, at least for a while.

  It just wasn't in his nature to let her wallow. She'd be okay. She had friends and family. He wasn't fond of kids, but he was sure he'd like Vanessa's because it would be Vanessa's.

  With effort, he pushed those thoughts from his mind. The rest of tonight was for him and what he was losing. For the first time in a long time, he was hurting over a man. He would miss Bommer. And that was why, after thinking he had all his opinions sorted out, he had to admit he wasn't sure what lengths he'd go to for love.

  He was willing to go pretty far for this man.

  Tom knocked on the door. Bommer opened it after a few moments, wrapped in a towel, his hair damp. God, he was gorgeous. Tom felt his heart constrict as he initiated what was sure to be their last night together.

  "Vanessa's car is fixed. We're leaving in the morning."

  "I know." Bommer's voice was soft.

  Tom could see the regret in his eyes, mirroring his own. This was something he wasn't ready to give up yet. Maybe if they were in New York, he wouldn't have to. But he knew himself, and he knew he'd miss the life. He'd miss it more than Vanessa ever could. He wasn't willing to stay here like she was, even if Bommer asked him to.

  So tonight was goodbye.

  Bommer took the front of Tom's jacket in his hand and pulled him inside. It would be one of the only times Tom didn't mind having his clothing wrinkled.

  Vanessa stood outside of Eric's front door for a long time. The lights were off. Maybe she wouldn't have to face Eric tonight after all. Maybe she'd never have to face him. She could call Tom right now, leave all of her things, and run.

  But Eric deserved more than that. She pressed one hand against the door and rested the other on the knob. She bit her lip. The initial shock and numbness were
wearing off. Now that she was alone, she felt everything. Tears filled her eyes and threatened to spill.

  She was scared. She wanted nothing more than to fall into Eric's arms and have him tell her everything would be okay. But it was asking too much. The guilt she'd feel by imposing her problems on him and Julia would be worse than this.

  It was their last night together. End of story.

  The New Yorker allowed herself the luxury of a few tears, a few choked sobs with her forehead against the door. Then she forced herself to turn the knob. What was done was done. No use crying over broken Trojans.

  Vanessa shut the door behind her and locked it as quietly as she could. She heard Timberlake's nails click on the kitchen floor. She squatted down in the dark to pet him. The sensation of his soft fur beneath her fingers was soothing. She'd even miss the damn dog.

  She forced back fresh tears. Timberlake licked her face, completely unaware of her inner turmoil. Then she stood, intent on getting some sleep, wondering if Eric was on the couch or if he'd be waiting in bed.

  She turned to walk through the kitchen and stopped dead.

  Eric was awake. He leaned back against the counter, strong arms folded across his chest, bright blue eyes locked on Vanessa. There was no telling how long he'd been there, if he'd heard her cry, if he'd known her hesitation before walking through the door.

  Vanessa wasn't ready for this confrontation; she wasn't ready to let him down. But here he was. He didn't seem surprised at her miserable state. Vanessa wasn't sure what to say. She tried to smile as she stepped toward him.

  "Hey," she greeted.

  "Hey," he answered.

  "Is Julia asleep?"

  Eric nodded. Vanessa wasn't stupid, and neither was he. He knew something was wrong. She waited for the questions. She waited for him to demand an explanation. She'd left him abruptly and unfairly, but he said nothing. She couldn't breathe. The suspense was unbearable. Fine. She wouldn't wait. She'd just tell him she was leaving. She'd tell him right now. Tears welled in her eyes as she set out to demolish their dream.

  "Eric—"

  "Don't," he said.

  Vanessa opened her mouth to speak again. She wouldn't have this courage for long, and he deserved to know. She was trembling. This was hard. She was breaking her own heart.

  Before she could form words, Eric pulled her against him and landed a passionate kiss on her lips. She gave in immediately. His breath was shaky against her skin; his muscles were taut.

  If he wanted to put off the end a little longer, she wouldn't stop him.

  His lips trailed to her neck, and she closed her eyes, wanting to lose herself in the moment, wanting to forget that this would be their last time together. But no matter how hard she tried, it would be bittersweet.

  Eric's skilled hands moved down her legs, hiking up her skirt until he had access to bare skin. He gripped her thighs where they met the curve of her buttocks and spread them apart. Her breath hitched in her throat. She couldn't move from his grasp if she wanted to-which she didn't. Vanessa trembled beneath his touch, nervous excitement flowing through her veins.

  He was in control, and he wanted her to know it.

  Eric switched their positions, pinning her back against the counter. She gripped the edge for support as he unzipped his jeans. Then he pushed her skirt up the rest of the way, pulled down her panties, and lifted her onto the smooth surface.

  Vanessa gasped. Every movement Eric made, every feEricng in his eyes, every breath on his lips was intense. He dragged her panties down her calves and off her ankles, then pressed against her. Vanessa arched into him automatically, and he groaned in her ear.

  He wouldn't go inside. They didn't have protection. But Vanessa wanted him; she needed him. And what did it matter now?

  "It's fine," she breathed. "Please."

  His blue eyes met her brown ones. He didn't question her permission. He just buried his face in her shoulder, wrapped an arm around her slender body, and thrust. Vanessa's breath escaped in a rush. She'd thought the sex had been good before, but it was nothing compared to the overwhelming pleasure of having his skin flush against hers, no condom, no separation—just heat and instinct.

  Vanessa had a fistful of Eric's shirt in one hand; the other grasped his hair. She shouldn't have enjoyed the desperate pace, but in this moment Eric could do no wrong. She had to fight to keep control of her voice, to hold herself back. But her clenching muscles and Eric's quiet pants were all the encouragement they needed from one another.

  Orgasm shuddered through her almost without warning, drenching her in ecstasy. Eric finished and held her close to him.

  They remained joined for a long time. Vanessa pressed her cheek against his and gazed into the darkness, listening for movement upstairs. Neither of them had worried much about Julia this time. The girl slept like a rock. It was just in Eric's nature to be over concerned, especially for his daughter.

  But tonight he'd let himself go.

  Vanessa toyed with his blond hair, trying not to think too much. Timberlake had grown bored with them a while ago, and Vanessa could see his eyes shining in the living room.

  Finally, Eric pulled away and zipped up his pants. Vanessa wasn't ready to move. She wasn't ready for reality. Eric kissed her lips gently. Then he picked her panties up off the floor and worked them back up her long legs. When the counter prevented him from going further, Vanessa slid down obediently, and he finished putting them back in place. Then he tugged her skirt back down, hugged her tightly, and kissed the top of her head.

  Vanessa was in a daze. She was miserable. He was perfect, and it killed her. Eric released her and turned to clean the kitchen counter. Their evidence was so easily erased. Vanessa turned away and did the only thing she could. Without bothering to change, she went to the bedroom and lay down on top of the comforter.

  She was in for a long drive tomorrow. She needed sleep.

  Eric opened the door and climbed in next to her, molding his body around hers and holding her close without a word. For this moment, before she drifted off, Vanessa could pretend tonight was like any other night. It was a gift she didn't deserve. But maybe Eric needed it, too.

  Then she closed her eyes so she could feel, think, and pretend nothing.

  ***

  Vanessa woke with Eric's alarm. Her clarity was instant, and so was the pain. Eric stretched and set his feet on the floor. Normally, Vanessa would fall back to sleep immediately. This morning, she wanted to. She wanted to sleep until the house was empty. But there was no way her brain would turn off.

  So she watched Eric dress one last time in the darkness. He didn't look at her. He didn't acknowledge her. He checked his hair in the mirror, ran a hand through it, and walked out the door.

  Vanessa sat up and turned on the bedside lamp. She peeled off her clothes and searched through her bags until she found a pair of jean capris and an old t-shirt. She didn't bother showering. She was just going to sit in a car all day. She brushed her teeth and put on some makeup. Then she started packing.

  It didn't take long. Most of her things were still in bags and boxes. She texted Tom. 8:00? It gave them two hours to get ready. Tom responded more quickly than she'd thought he would. I'll be there. Vanessa was only missing her camera. She took one last look in the mirror. Usually, her reflection made her happy. Looking good made her feel good. But she knew better than to expect that simplicity today.

  It was barely light out. Dawn was just working its way through the living room blinds. She could hear movement upstairs. Julia was getting ready for school.

  Vanessa stepped into the kitchen to find Eric turned away from her, pouring a cup of coffee. She picked up her camera from the kitchen table. It was strange that in less than twenty-four hours, she had gone from feEricng so happy to so wretched.

  She'd lost two loves in less than two weeks. It had to be a record.

  She set the camera back down. Eric turned and handed her a mug. Vanessa could tell he was guarded, and she couldn't bl
ame him.

  "When are you leaving?" he asked, more bluntly than Vanessa would have liked.

  Her grip on the steaming mug tightened. "Soon."

  "Will you say goodbye to Julia?"

  Vanessa nodded. Eric's pain was obvious. He was tense and tight-lipped. Her face burned with shame. She just wanted to blurt out everything, to tell him the truth. She wanted him to know she wasn't just some careless flake.

  But that would be unfair to him. It would put him in too difficult a position. So she stayed silent.

  Eric looked about to say something, but the sound of feet on the stairs stopped him. Julia bounced into the kitchen, and Eric turned away to pour her a bowl of cereal.

  "Morning, Daddy." She slid into a chair at the table and beamed at Vanessa. "Morning, Vanessa."

  She smiled and took a sip of coffee, trying to keep her hands steady. How could she possibly find the right words? Eric set his daughter's food down in front of her and joined her at the table. Vanessa was the only one left standing, feEricng out of place, right where she belonged.

  She set the coffee down. Eric rested his chin on his knuckles and stared straight ahead, waiting for the blow to be struck. Vanessa hesitated a few more seconds, and then took a seat across from Julia.

  "Hey, Julia, I have some news." She tried to smile.

  "What's up?"

  "My car's fixed."

  "Cool."

  She continued eating her cereal. Her father glanced at her, waiting for the information to sink in, to make sense. The girl noticed her father looking at her, and she looked at Vanessa, waiting for an explanation.

  "I'm leaving for New York today."

  Eric got up and pretended to fiddle with the coffee pot. His back was rigid. Vanessa knew he was angry. She knew he couldn't bear to look at her. It was the first time she'd said the words "I'm leaving" aloud and they were just as powerful as when she'd said "I'm staying". Julia stopped eating and stared at her.

  "Are you coming back?"

  Vanessa shook her head.

  Julia frowned. "But why? I thought you liked it here."