Compromising

by C. C. Brown

  More tears trickled down my face. I knew I’d be sad that Alex would be leaving in less than twenty-four hours, but I had no idea of what he was feeling, and for him to lay it all out for me…that was huge for him, and it broke me even more. Alex was all I wanted, and for at least the next few months, he’d be the one thing that I couldn’t have.

  “I’m calling your ass as often as I can. I’m going to need to hear the warmth of your voice to get me through the shit storm I’m about to walk into, so keep your phone with you…everywhere you go.”

  “I will. I promise.” I paused, swallowing the overwhelming emotion. “You promise to come home to me.”

  Alex stiffened, leaving awkward silence lingering in the air. “I’m going to do everything I can to come back to you, Blondie.”

  “Promise me, Alex.”

  He paused again, blowing out a troublesome breath. “I can’t make that promise, Cassie. The tattoos on my chest are proof of that.”

  “Alex!” I cried.

  “I promise that I will do everything I can to come back to you.”

  He kissed my forehead then held me close. The music outside of our room raged on as the party continued into the night without us. We never left our little haven. If we only had hours left with one another, we were going to hog every second of them, and that was exactly what we did.

  ++++

  We woke the next morning to the bright desert sun blazing through the windows. Alex and I stayed wrapped around one another the entire night, allowing a thin layer of sweat to coat us in place of blankets. I wanted to stay locked in his arms forever because I knew as soon as we let go and started normal human function, we would be on the countdown until we were torn apart.

  After lying together for a solid hour, kissing and making small talk, Alex finally accepted the fact that we couldn’t stay like this forever, and broke our link, pulling me out of bed with him and into the shower. We stood under the steaming mist of the water, washing one another in silence. For me, I didn’t want to speak because I was sure my words would be lost behind a flood of tears, or worse, the worrisome thoughts on my mind would be what would come spewing out.

  We finished in the shower, then got dressed and sauntered out to the kitchen area. Surprisingly, there were no traces of a party left in the house. It looked as clean and organized as Alex normally kept it, which was amazing considering the equivalent of a college frat party had taken place the night before. Riley, Nat, and Adriana were in the kitchen when we walked in. All eyes turned to us as we took a seat at the island.

  “Well, hello, strangers,” Adriana greeted. “You ditched your own party, Alex.”

  “Yeah well, the party for two we had was much better.”

  “Who cleaned the house?” I asked.

  “Adriana and Rocky Balboa,” Riley answered, referring to Nat’s attack on Castillo the night before.

  “Whatever,” Nat countered. “That bitch had it coming.”

  “She’s crazy. Look out for charges coming your way,” I threw in.

  Nat shrugged her shoulders, dismissing the threat. “It wouldn’t be the first time I had law enforcement down my neck.”

  I was about to ask her to divulge, but Adriana put two big plates of chorizo and eggs in front of Alex and me and demanded that we eat. We did, making small talk about the night before but avoiding the massive elephant in the room. No one spoke about Alex’s deployment, even though we were only hours from him being on an airplane and headed for the gruesome unknown. I could tell everyone wanted to say something about it, but they never did, and from the looks of Alex’s face, he was just fine with that.

  Finally, the dreaded time had come when Alex announced that he’d have to get going. My heart sank, and I lost my breath. The reality had hit, and there was no going back. I wanted to burst into tears, but I had promised myself that the night before were the last tears that he would see me cry. I didn’t need to shoulder him with my weakness. I wanted him to see that he was leaving behind a strong woman who would be ready and waiting for his return.

  As we followed Alex out to the garage, he grabbed his seabag, backpack, and other gear, tossed them into the bed of his truck and began his goodbyes. Nat burst into tears as she wrapped her arms around his middle. The sobs leaving her body gave me the chills, forcing me to work extra hard not to falter on my own promise and join her in her cry fest. I had never seen her so broken up, and the sight of her so destroyed only made my heart break even more.

  “We may fight, but I love you like a brother, Alex. Come back home to us, please.” Nat pleaded, giving up on fighting the tears streaking her cheeks.

  Alex held her close, whispering into her ear, but failing to soothe the tiny, tatted up bad girl. She finally pulled away at Riley’s insistence, then walked over to me and held me as she continued to allow tears to pour from her bloodshot eyes.

  Riley and Alex gave each other the guy hug, holding on for a few elongated seconds before letting go. “Go get some,” Riley said, patting Alex on the back. “Then come home and make a million fucking babies with this girl over here, man.”

  Alex laughed. “That’s the plan, dude. That’s the plan.” He looked around the garage and took in the surroundings one last time. “Take care of my house, motherfucker.”

  “Will do,” Riley replied, stepping back and taking a still hysterical Nat from me.

  Adriana, Alex and I made our way into the truck, waving goodbye to Riley and Nat as Alex pulled out and onto the street. With every mile we drove, my heart broke just a little bit more. I couldn’t believe that I was actually on my way to dropping him off to leave me for dangerous uncertainty. The thought was sickening, and as bile rose in my throat, I tried hard to push it down, needing the open air to help me do so.

  When we pulled up, I saw it—the dreaded white bus. Every military spouse-or in my case, military member—knew the significance of the white bus. It was pleasure and pain, heaven and hell. It was either taking a piece of your life away or finally bringing it back.

  There was an abundance of wives and family members there to see their Marine off. They were a small contingent, no more than about twenty guys leaving as reinforcements, but the family members filling that parking lot made it seem like so much more. This wasn’t the usual training deployment that carried significantly less danger. This was combat, and these guys were tasked to fill in spots left vacant by the deaths of our brothers. An ominous feel loomed over our spot; it was highly noticeable and couldn’t be avoided.

  After Alex dropped off his bags and checked in, he finally made his way back over to where Adriana and I stood. He stepped in front of his sister first, pulling her into his arms as he held her tight and kissed the top of her head.

  “I love you, hermana. Take care of yourself, and send me lots of pictures of Abel.”

  I couldn’t look at them. The heavy lump in my throat had reemerged, making it difficult for me to swallow as tears that I had sworn wouldn’t see the light of day threatened to spill out. I looked around us, taking in the somber sight of wives crying on their husband’s shoulders and children clinging to their daddy’s legs as they cried out in vain, begging them not to go.

  My promise was broken.

  Tears trickled down my face, faster than I could stop them, and this time, I gave in. I let them fall because fighting them was of no use. They were coming, fast and furiously, and oddly, they helped to calm my fears.

  Alex released Adriana from his arms and stepped over to where I stood. I smiled as I turned my face away from him, stupidly hoping that he wouldn’t see me cry. He took my chin in his hand, gently turning my face to meet his gaze. I stared at his honey-hued orbs through tear streaked eyes, taking in the love shining through. I laughed and smiled, feeling slightly embarrassed about my handling of this situation.

  True, I was a Marine, and this was part of the job, but when I left home, I hadn’t had the tearful goodbye. My friends saw me off because my mom had been too high on pills to realize I wa
s leaving. Now, it felt like the better part of my life was being taken away from me, and it hurt worse than anything I could have imagined.

  “If you don’t stop this you’re going to make cry out here, Blondie,” Alex joked, lightly kissing away my tears. “I don’t want to look like a pussy in front of the guys.”

  I giggled through my tears because it was all I could do.

  “You know you’re everything to me. Everything. You’ll be on my mind every second of the fucking day while I’m out there.”

  “I know,” I whispered, unable to muster much of a voice through my tears.

  “I’m leaving my truck in your hands. Take care of my baby.”

  My eyes bulged in shock. Alex was in love with his truck, so leaving it to me meant a hell of a lot. I tried to protest, but he cut me off.

  “I love you more than anything else in this world, Cassie. My life has been a million times better since you’ve come in it, and I’d repeat every damn thing I’ve ever done if it brought me to you.”

  “Let’s start loading up, Marines!” a man yelled.

  “I altered some shit. I’m not stupid and naïve. I plan on doing everything in my power to come home to you, but in case I don’t make it—”

  “Alex, no…”

  “Listen to me, Cassie. This shit sucks, but it’s our reality. If I don’t make it, I’ve amended my life insurance and half of it is going to you. I want to make sure you’re taken care of.”

  The talk of death and survivor’s benefits was like a stake to my heart. This was the last thing I wanted to hear him say just before leaving to a fucking bloody war zone. The tears poured out of me, making me lose my breath. Alex held my face and continuously kissed me.

  “You’re my family, Cassie. You’re my future. If I make it home, I’m putting that ring on your finger, I’m filling you with babies, and I’m living out the rest of my life with you. You understand that?”

  I nodded my head as the tears continued to flow. My stomach was a jumbled mess of nerves, twisting and turning on me, and my knees grew weak as I watched wives hold tightly to their inconsolable children. For a second, I was grateful that it was just Alex and me. I couldn’t imagine having a child thrown into this mix.

  “They’re calling for you, Alex,” Adriana calmly stated.

  Alex nodded to her then turned back to me and hugged me tight, holding on and whispering in my ear. “You’re my fucking world, my little mariposa. I love you.”

  “I love you, too.” I cried, holding on for dear life and hoping that somehow I wouldn’t have to let go.

  Alex kissed my head a couple of times before pulling back and looking me in my eyes. “You’re my motivation to get back, you understand me? You are what is going to fuel me. I’ll call you as often as I can. Sleep with that cell phone.”

  “I will. I promise.”

  We kissed one last time, long and hard before he pulled away for good. He walked, clad in cammies, marching proudly as he made his way to the dreaded bus. He stepped on, and my heart exploded. The tears came faster than I ever thought imaginable. Adriana and I held one another, crying together as Alex took his place on the bus and poked his head out the window. He waved goodbye as the engine roared to life.

  The bus sat idle for only a minute before pulling out and taking the best thing that had ever happened to me away.

  Chapter 17

  Alex

  Never in a million years did I think I’d tear up the way I did walking away from Cassie. The emotional toll my leaving took on her surprised me, and not in a good way. The second her silent tears turned to garish sobs, my heart dropped and shattered, leaving me with the unfortunate task of having to leave her in the arms of my sister while I turned my back and walked away. That shit stung like a fucking wasp attack. It was singlehandedly the hardest thing I had ever done in my life, and probably the most painful to go along with it.

  When I wasn’t sleeping, music took the space of idle time. Little did I know, Cassie had filled my phone with music and labeled it, A&Cs Playlist. She loaded our Secondhand Serenade song, along with some Metallica, Green Day, Soundgarden, Stone Temple Pilots, Weezer, and even some T.I. and Nelly. Listening made me miss her all over again. Long stretches of time were spent reminiscing about good and bad times with her. I needed to see her face, to remember her sweet, vanilla scent—but most of all, I just needed her.

  After dozing, waking, dozing and waking, we finally landed in Kuwait. Jet lag was mixed in a deadly concoction of dread and loneliness. Fortunately, as soon as we arrived we were hustled off of one plane and onto another. It didn’t take long until we landed at Al Assad airbase, were loaded into vehicles, and convoyed to our base.

  As I stared out the window, memories of this place—haunting, and mind numbing—came creeping back to mind. The relative calm as we drove through the barren desert blanketed the nightmares that I’d already come face to face with. I was back in the environment of secrecy. This was a place where right wasn’t always right, and wrong wasn’t always wrong. The person who smiled and waved at you during the day was the same person who shot at you at night. It was an ass backwards world, and I found myself right back in the thick of it.

  Pulling up to the base was a surreal experience. Camp Fallujah held memories that I never wanted to remember. Unfortunately, for the next few months this would be my home. The gate guards were always on high alert, standing tall, M-16s in the ready position.

  Maybe I hadn’t quite conditioned my mind for this environment. I’d been given such short notice for the deployment, and hadn’t mentally prepared for everything that this augmentation assignment would entail. Whatever happened, I knew I had to whip myself into fucking shape. My surroundings were my surroundings: hot, dark, sinister, and full of unwanted surprise. It was time to go back into survival mode if I wanted to make it home and back into Cassie’s arms.

  We unloaded the vehicles and found ourselves under the direction of First Sergeant Keating, the company First Sergeant for 3/11 Kilo Battery. He stood tall but looked worn down. I took his demeanor for what it was—a man who had been through too much in a very short period of time. As the augmenting force, we were only going to complete the deployment, which meant we had a little over three, maybe four months out here. If First Sergeant’s face were any indication of what we were in for, I was ready for the most hellish months of my life.

  “Welcome to Camp Fallujah, Marines. As you know, you were sent here to help augment the infantry units. It’s no secret that we’re taking hits left and fucking right. All of you are experienced in theater. Nothing has changed. Stay on high alert, and keep your fucking head down.”

  “Oorah!”

  “Where is Sgt. Cruz?”

  “Right here, First Sergeant.”

  “I’ll need to see you Sergeant. The rest of you go to the last tent and check in with Admin. You’ll get assigned your bunks and be ready to go at zero seven.”

  The guys walked down the long, dirt walkway to the last tent on the left. First Sergeant Keating and I stepped into a vacant tent at the front of the camp.

  “I spoke with Master Sergeant Finny just before you boys arrived here. He says you’ve been selected for Staff Sergeant.”

  “Yes, I have, First Sergeant.”

  “You’ll pin on in the next couple of weeks. In the meantime, you’ll carry the Staff NCO billet. We’re getting picked like sitting fucking ducks out there, Cruz. I know you have multiple deployments of combat experience, but some of these guys have never been and are scared to fucking death. I need you to lead, do you understand that?”

  “Yes, First Sergeant.”

  “Good. Head on down to the tent. Have the boys up and fed by zero seven. We have a briefing to go over in the morning.”

  “Will do, First Sergeant.”

  He nodded his head then turned and walked away. He wasn’t a man to mince words. The insurgents in this area were quick and deadly, and apparently were winning the battle. I had a task on my hands, and
although it wasn’t ideal, I relished it. Being in theater was a double-edged sword: no one wanted to face death every time they stepped outside of the confines of base, but once you were in the thick of it, it filled your veins and powered you. It was now your challenge, your lifeline. You embraced it and moved on, or you dreaded it, then succumbed to it. I was not going with the latter.

  After checking in with Admin and finding my tent and cot, I tried the phone center, hoping I could call Cassie and hear her sweet voice before the bullshit started. No luck. Because we had taken so many casualties in the last couple of days, we’d been put in River City. No communication was to get out until all next of kin had been notified. It could be days before I’d be able to talk to her. The thought pissed me off, but I understood the reasoning. The last thing we needed was someone finding out through the grapevine that their loved one had died. That shit had happened before, and it was insensitive as fuck.

  Morning came before I knew it. I had the guys up and in the chow hall, then back to the meeting area for our briefing from First Sergeant for the day.

  Corporal Vega was a twenty-one year old kid from El Paso, Texas. He had been to Iraq once before and had earned a Purple Heart for taking shrapnel to his legs from a roadside bomb. It was nice to know that he was battle tested. He knew exactly what to expect, and he’d be an asset when we were in the streets of this fucking hell hole.

  Lance Corporal White was a nineteen year old kid who had been to Iraq once before. He had a wife back in Twentynine who was pregnant with their first kid. He looked a lot like Dalton—tall and blond with blue eyes and a baby face. I couldn’t believe this kid, after only two years in the Corps, was already back in this fucking sandbox for a second time. But alas, he was, and like Vega, he was an asset.

  Finally, there was Lance Corporal Avery, a twenty year old who had never seen land outside of the United States. Fear blanketed this kid from head to toe. He was nervous, jumpy and worried me. The last thing I needed was a kid who would shoot at anything moving, putting the rest of us in danger. I quickly reigned his ass in and let him know that this shit was real, and it was time to man up.