Compromising

by C. C. Brown

  “Why my mom?” he asked through heartbreaking tears. “Why my mom? Why? Why? Why?” he continued to ask, the tears growing thicker as he choked on his words.

  I had no answers for him. I couldn’t even speak. My throat went dry, and my mind went blank. I had no idea how to handle such a situation when I was hurting as well. The love of my life was experiencing a pain that there was no remedy for. Piece by piece he broke until there was nothing left of him.

  Alex continued to pound the wall as he cried into it, stopping every so often, then picking right back up and repeating the routine. He continued to ask why, even though he would never receive that answer. When he tired of the pounding on the wall, he slowly dropped to the floor, resting his head in his hands as the tears continued to expel from his eyes. I dropped to the ground with him and cried, rubbing his back while he pounded the side of his balled up hand onto the cold, tile floor.

  “Why her? Fuck! Why my mom?” he asked, staring at me through tear stained eyes. He dropped his head again as the tears continued to flow.

  There was nothing I could do for him but allow him to cry, and that’s what he did, and continued to do even when the doctor took him by the arm and led him down the hallway and into his mom’s room.

  Chapter 21

  Alex

  Every step of the long, arduous walk felt as if I was slipping further and further into my own personal hell. Masochistic thoughts jabbed at my mind, punishing me for all the wrong that I had done. My mother, the backbone in my life, was lying on her death bed, and there wasn’t a goddamned thing that I could do about it.

  As hard as I tried, I couldn’t stop the tears from slipping down my face. This shit hurt worse than any pain I’d ever experienced.

  “I want to prepare you for what you are about to see. Your mother looks drastically different from the way you would remember her,” the doctor cautiously warned.

  I looked to him and nodded, standing in the doorway but afraid to walk in. He gave me a curt head nod, and I slowly entered the room, gasping deeply when I got my first glimpse of my mom. The swelling on top of the deep bruising on her face placed a stranger in front of me. I’d seen enough disfigured people in my time in the sandbox, but seeing a piece of my heart, lying there, unrecognizable and dying tore me to shreds.

  My eyes burned, my lips went dry, and my ability to speak escaped me. There were no words to speak, and nothing would make any part of this situation any better. I wasn’t quite sure what to say or if she could hear me anyway, so I sat in the chair next to her bed, holding her hand and listening to the beep of the machines that I presumed were keeping her alive. I sat there for a solid five minutes, kissing and rubbing her hand before Adriana and my grandma came into the room.

  They both silently took their seats, their eyes just as bloodshot as mine, looking as if they had cried themselves out as well. We all made eye contact with one another, but no one said a word for fear of bursting the emotional dam that entrenched us. It was a cruel fucking thought to think that I’d be leaving this hospital with a piece of my life forever gone. A piece that I could never get back.

  “Excuse me,” the doctor whispered. “I just wanted to let you all know that although Imelda is heavily sedated, she can hear you.” He smiled, then quickly walked away, leaving us with the impossibility of trying to say our last words.

  “Mommy, I love you so much,” Adriana poured out, taking our mother’s other hand and allowing her tears to fall onto it. “I love you more than anything. Abel loves you. We all love you.” By the end of her proclamations, her words were nearly inaudible. Her emotions had taken over, and the tears poured from her eyes again.

  My grandmother hugged Adriana from behind, crying her own set of fresh tears. They traded positions, allowing my grandmother to take her daughter’s hand in her own as she poured her heart to her.

  “My dear, Imelda. I love you too much, but not to keep you here, suffering,” she choked out in Spanish. Her raspy cough came roaring back, effectively ending her ability to go on. She held my mother’s hand up to her face and cried as Adriana took her turn consoling her.

  My mouth opened to speak three times, each time closing because nothing that I wanted to say felt right. I rested my head on my mother’s hand until the words finally spoke to me.

  “Mama, you mean so much to everyone you’ve ever come in contact with, but none more than me. You’ve made me who I am, and I owe my life to you.” A heavy lumped formed in my throat, forcing me to stop and work past it before I could continue on. “You don’t deserve any of this, Mama, and I’d trade you places in a heartbeat. I really would.”

  “Alex, she needs uplifting words,” Adriana sniffled.

  I nodded my head, unsure of what I could say that had any sort of promise.

  “The baby, Alex. Tell her about the baby.”

  That surprise had moved to the background as soon as the devastating news about my mom was announced. Cassie was pregnant with my baby, and my mom wouldn’t be here to see him or her. Another round of emotional trauma swept in and sucker punched me as I stared at her beautiful figure knowing that none of my kids would ever know their grandmother.

  I managed to push the morbid thoughts aside, and at least try to give her the news, hoping it would make us all feel better. “Mama, your boy is going to be a dad. Cassie is pregnant with our baby.”

  The words came out smoother than I had anticipated, and miraculously, my mother squeezed my hand, drawing all attention to it.

  “Adriana, go and get Cassie. Hurry!” I ordered.

  Adriana returned a minute later with a very sick and timid looking Cassie in tow. How I had managed to miss the ashen look of Cassie’s face was mind boggling. And I’d blown up on her as if it were her alone that caused the pregnancy. My mind was in a state of shock. I had seen and dealt with too much shit, and now everything was running together on me.

  “Cassie, Mom knows you’re expecting, and she squeezed my hand upon hearing the news.”

  Cassie smiled meekly, strolling over and rubbing my mom’s arm. I softly stroked Cassie’s arm with my free hand, hoping the apologetic gesture wouldn’t go flying over her head. She looked down at me, her face warming a bit, but never allowing the smile I was hoping to see come through

  “I love your son, Imelda. I plan to take good care of him and make sure he’s the best daddy he can be. Just like you would do.”

  Mom’s hand squeezed again, drawing smiles from everyone in the room. We sat together, lightly speaking, reminiscing about the good times we’d had together. At certain points, we even laughed because recalling my mother’s free spirit seemed to bring that out of us.

  I sat with Cassie on my lap, stroking her neck as she lay with her head resting on my shoulder. She dozed off, lightly snoring into my ear. My grandmother, Adriana, and I sat and watched my mom sleep peacefully, hoping that she knew just how loved she was.

  A couple hours later, machines started beeping and nurses ran into the room, followed by the doctor.

  “What’s going on? What’s wrong?” I frantically asked, feeling panic beginning to set in.

  “Your mother’s body is going into shock,” a nurse announced, moving rapidly as she unplugged and reset various machines and instruments.

  I watched in horror as my mother’s heartbeat continuously dropped, the lines no longer making those mountainous figures, but slowly flattening out. Within a minute, there was a continuous line moving across the screen and a loud, solid noise filling the room. My heart burst at the sight of my mother taking her last breath, then lying motionless on the bed.

  The nurses gathered us up and led us out of the room, where my grandmother completely broke down, screaming at the top of her lungs as Adriana and I worked tirelessly to try and console her, but there was nothing we could do. Her baby was gone, and I felt every bit of her anguish as we stood there crying.

  Cassie walked over to us and made her way into our circle, shedding her own fresh set of tears. She turned
to my grandmother and held her, allowing both of them to cry out their hurt, their mistrust, and their devastation. When my grandmother wrapped her arms around Cassie and held her tightly, I reached out for Adriana, needing to feel the warmth and comfort of family in that moment. We stayed that way until we physically had to move, and with each step we took, a new piece of us slowly faded away.

  ++++

  I elected not to go back to the family house that night. It was much too soon for me to be in my mother’s home and around her things, so I took Cassie to a nearby hotel. We checked in and showered, then I ordered room service and attempted to eat, though neither of us was able to get much down.

  We lay together in silence for a bit, my head resting of Cassie’s chest as she ran her fingers through my hair. That sensual vanilla smell lit me up, finally giving me a reason to smile for the first time in weeks. My hand rested on her belly, and I remembered that she had life—life that I had created, growing in there. The idea of becoming a father so soon scared me shitless, and all of my guilt from Iraq and the death of that young boy filled me.

  How was I supposed to be a father when I had taken someone’s child away from them? Regardless of the fact that I had killed in self-defense, I had killed, and I was gaining what I had so easily taken away from another man.

  “Why didn’t you tell me about the pregnancy?” I whispered.

  She sighed. “I wanted to. I tried to, but you were rushed off the phone and I never got to tell you. Plus, your reaction…I was scared of that.”

  Shit! “I’m sorry, Blondie. There’s been so much shit going on, and it was the last thing I expected to hear.”

  “I know.” She paused, thinking hard before speaking again. “You mentioned getting shot at when you were yelling at Adriana. What happened?”

  Her question was like a knife to my flesh. The pain was unbearable, damn near unspeakable, and I immediately tensed up, unwilling to drag myself back into that hell.

  “Nothing. I’m here and that’s all that matters. Anyway, when did you find out?”

  “Not too long ago.”

  “What made you take a test?”

  She stalled, which quickly drew my curiosity. “Dalton thought that I’d been drugged.”

  “Drugged?” I asked, lifting my head.

  “Yeah, I went to a party, and I was sick and throwing up. But I had been feeling sick for a bit. I just ignored it, thinking it was a mixture of my new workout and not eating enough. I was wrong.”

  “Whose party was this?”

  “That’s not important, Alex.”

  “It is fucking important. And the fact that you don’t want to say tells me that I’m not going to like it.”

  “Well, then there is no need to tell you.”

  “Cassie, you tell me right now. I don’t have much of a fuse after this shit I just went through today.”

  She sighed again. “Angelica’s.”

  “Why the fuck would you party with her? Have you forgotten—”

  “I haven’t forgotten anything. We work together, we’d been working out in a group, and they had a party. She didn’t drug me, I’m knocked up. End of story.”

  I took her face in my hand, holding her stare. “Don’t you ever fucking say knocked up. You are pregnant with my baby.”

  She nodded slightly, curving her lips into the first smile I had seen from her all day. I planted my lips to hers, kissing her softly and basking in the feel of her in my possession once again.

  “Can we name the baby after my mom? One way or another?”

  “Anything for your mom, Alex. Anything.”

  I kissed her again, whispering how much I loved her in between kisses, thankful that I had Cassie in my life and that I wouldn’t be going through this tumultuous time on my own. My lips slipped down her neck and over her collarbone. My hands traveled into her panties, cupping her perfect pussy as she shifted her legs with the touch.

  “Alex, what are you doing?”

  “I need you, baby. I need you. I need to feel you.”

  “Alex…”

  “Please, Blondie. Don’t turn me away. Not when I need you most.”

  Emotion filled my voice, catching Cassie’s attention. Her emerald-green eyes sparkled with admiration, inviting me to have my fill of her. I gently removed her panties, then hovered over her, looking down on the beautiful girl I’d been so lucky to get and somehow keep. I didn’t fucking deserve her, but that wasn’t up to me, and for once I was grateful that something was out of my control.

  “I couldn’t have picked a more perfect mom for my kids,” I murmured, lowering myself down and sinking into her. She was soft, warm, and deliciously sweet.

  I held myself inside as I breathed in her sensual scent, splaying light kisses over her neck. She kissed the side of my face, holding me tightly while lightly swiveling her hips. I took her hint and began to move, slow and steady, wanting to feel every inch of her impeccable body. I moved in and out as Cassie met me thrust for thrust. She whimpered slightly, digging her nails into my back as she strengthened her hip movements. I didn’t want it to end…I didn’t want to lose this connection to her.

  I could feel my release inching towards explosion, but I held it off as long as I could, grabbing and raising Cassie’s thigh, giving myself the necessary space to dig deeper. She gasped, squeezed my neck and cried out her release as she shook and whimpered. I lay still inside of her, not ready to lose this connection that we shared.

  “I love you more than all of the stars in the sky, Blondie,” I whispered.

  Her eyes were tightly shut, her bottom lip held down by her teeth. She swiveled her hips, prompting me to begin moving inside of her again. I moved excruciatingly slow, basking in the feel of the one place that seemed to knock all of my problems out in one fell swoop, then pounded my way through her a few times before I stilled and spilled into her.

  It hurt, and it soothed.

  It was pleasure and pain.

  And at the end of it, I realized that every piece of heartache that I had felt, from Vega to my mom, would never go away, but it would be healed by the love of the beautiful girl lying beneath me, willing to take me as I was—flaws and all.

  A tear fell from Cassie’s eye. She blinked before anymore could follow.

  “Why are you crying, babe?”

  “For you…for us…losing your mom, I wasn’t sure how you would react to me…to this.”

  I smiled, painfully aware of just how unpredictable I could be. “You’re my light in all of that dark, Cassie. Don’t ever think otherwise.”

  “So you’re ready for a baby?”

  “I didn’t say that. But we’ll get there together.”

  She smiled and pulled me down to her. I kissed her with everything I had, every ounce of love, passion, sorrow and guilt. Everything mixed into one was no match for what Cassie and I had, and with our creation growing inside of her, it was only going to get stronger.

  ++++

  In the span of one month, I had attended the memorial for Cpl. Vega and then for my mom. Emotionally, I was exhausted with nothing left to give and guilt consuming every piece of me for it. Meeting Vega’s girlfriend, who he was planning to marry when he returned home, was the hardest part of his service. She was all he had in the world, and listening as the words, On behalf of a grateful nation, echoed in my ears, and temporarily numbed me. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I should have been in Vega’s spot. If he hadn’t stepped in to calm me down from ripping into that fucking kid out there, he’d still be here. The turmoil ate away at me, present only to Cassie, but still enough to crack my hardened exterior.

  The loud bangs of the 21 gun salute shook my resolve, replaying every soul-sucking memory of what had led us to this day. Vega pulled the trigger to save Christen’s life, but who had been there to save his? I couldn’t escape the thought that we had let him down…that we had failed him. Images of his face, struggling and fearful, continued to haunt me with every shot until finally they stopped, al
l at once, leaving nothing but still air and a blank mind.

  My mom’s service, unfortunately, didn’t go much better. My heart broke all over again with the gathering of our family and friends speaking about my mother in past tense, solidifying the fact that she would never again call me her mijo, or Alejandro. There was only one person left who did that, and with my mom’s passing I was fearful that I wouldn’t have my grandma much longer.

  Cassie placed the butterfly necklace that I had purchased for her on top of my mom’s casket. That small little gesture finally put a ray of sunlight on an overall dreary day. We were the only two people in the room who understood the significance in it, and we shared a smile, knowing my mom was free to fly.

  All of the gang was present for her service: Riley and Nat, Dalton, Newsome, Smith, and even fucking Jensen. I was still uncomfortable with the idea of him and Adriana dating, him playing daddy to Abel, and our relationship as a whole. We didn’t speak much, and beyond stiff condolences, we really didn’t have much to say to one another. I tried hard not to let my unease with their relationship affect what I had and needed to maintain with my sister, but a part of me was still very much pissed off.

  “She’s grown, Alex. Let her be,” Cassie kept reminding me. It didn’t matter how many times she said it, my mind wouldn’t allow me to settle with that fact. Our close knit family had shrunk by one, and I was determined, more than ever, to protect my sister and keep our family together.

  “Yeah, Alex, I’m grown. One of these days you and Brandon will be okay again, so I’ll wait,” Adriana said, swatting my back in passing. She walked back over to where he was, dropping a light kiss on his lips and making me frown in disgust.

  I wasn’t sure how I would ever be okay with the idea of those two as a couple. I couldn’t see it, didn’t want to see it, and wasn’t going to allow myself to see it. As far as I was concerned, Jensen was just another dude that my sister was seeing, and would hopefully get tired of. It was all I had left because anything beyond that, I couldn’t fucking handle.