The One Way (Changes Book 1)

by Ted Persinger

  “You guys have known each other most of your lives.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay, so you’ll call?”

  “Yeah. I need my stuff anyway.”

  They were sitting on dark leather recliners, in front Jim’s fireplace. Danny stared into the fire. Jim watched Danny out of the corner of his eyes, sad that he felt so distant from his own brother. They were always close before, being just a couple years apart. He felt his brother was far away though…present in body only.

  “Danny, can we talk about things?”

  “Sure.”

  “I mean, you know…talk about Melissa and what happened?” He saw Danny stiffen, then lower his head. He felt him holding his breath. “It’s just that this is hanging over you. Like a black cloud. I feel if you can talk about it you might feel better.”

  “Better?”

  “Well, seriously. You’re selling your house.”

  “Trying to.”

  “Trying to sell your house…getting ready to fly to Cambodia. You’ve already sold most of your furniture.” He paused, not wanting to go too far.

  “Yeah, I’m almost there. My buyer gave me a low-ball, and I’m gonna make a counter-offer on Monday.”

  “I called Bill Jaller the other day…”

  “Bill Jaller? At Kaiser?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why’d you call him, Jim?” Danny turned and considered him seriously now. Jim was a bit surprised by what he saw in his expression.

  “I just thought I’d ask. He said that they would hire you back, if you wanted to come back to work. They don’t have your old job available, but they have another position they’d put you into if you’re ready.” Jim turned and looked directly at him. They locked eyes for a second, and then Danny lowered his.

  “Jim, don’t do me any more favors, okay?” Then he lifted his eyes and looked directly at him. “This is my life, Jim. I don’t want to work at Kaiser again. That place is a prison. I don’t want to be here anymore, anyway.” He was surprised to hear his voice sound so forceful.

  Jim heard it also, and purposely lowered his own. “Sorry, Danny. It’s just that I want you to know you have options; you don’t have to run away.”

  “I know I have options and I’m not running away.” Despite his best efforts, his tone was bitter and sarcastic.

  “Sorry, Danny, let’s not argue…we’ll wake up Kim and the baby if we do.” Quiet was a trait among the Shields.

  “I’m not arguing either, Jim…believe it or not, I feel at peace…”

  “At peace? But you’re throwing your life away…”

  “What life?”

  “Your life here in the US, anyway…job, career…sorry, man, but it’s true.”

  “Those things don’t mean anything to me anymore, Jim.”

  “That’s what I mean. I’m not saying you have to live a materialistic life…but your education and career are nearly a decade of your life. You should be building on it, not tearing it down. Getting rid of everything you and her built together won’t solve anything.”

  “But all that was for nothing, Jim.”

  “That’s what I mean…you act like her death was your death too…like you have nothing to live for now that she’s gone.”

  “Gone? You mean dead. Murdered.” By me.

  “I know, man.”

  “Remember our songs in church, Jim? Remember at St Peter’s? ‘Love your neighbor as yourself, because God loves all.’ Right? ‘Love your neighbor…God loves all.’” When he repeated those lines, he could hear children singing them in the old, musty church they attended for his middle school years. “But God doesn’t love us all, does he? Does he, Jim? I tried to love my neighbor, and God let that happen. Or made it happen. Right in front of me. I tried to help someone and got shot at. My wife was murdered. Right in front of me, Jim. Right THE FUCK in front of me!” He felt the hot tears burning in his eyes, and when he put his chin to his chest, they raced down his face, past the corner of his mouth and down his chin.

  “Danny, you gotta stop blaming yourself. And blaming God or whoever won’t get you anywhere.”

  “Then who the fuck should I blame, Jim? Huh? Who THE FUCK should I blame? It was my fault…my fault…”

  Jim reached over and grabbed Danny’s forearm. “Danny, shhhh…Danny, you didn’t kill her.”

  Danny’s voice squeaked out of his mouth. “Yes…yes…” then clearing his throat, “yes, I did kill her, Jim. Sure as I’m sitting here, I killed her.”

  “Danny, you really need to talk this out. You made a mistake pulling over, but you can’t blame yourself for her death. And you pulled over for the right reasons.”

  And then he saw it; in his mind’s eye he saw it. He saw Jacinto Road. Hot. May. Trying to get home. Car on the side of the road. Two guys, hood open.

  He could hear Jim talking, but couldn’t understand what he was saying. “It happens…you find yourself…they were bad men….” Without understanding he knew the intention.

  With his face flushed, and tears dripping out of his eyes in hot, angry rivulets, he faced his brother and let it out. He let the beast out in a flash, and he knew he couldn’t put it back. “I fucking killed her. You don’t know. I never told you. Get ready, Jim. I was too much of a fucking coward to tell you. I fucking let her die. When we pulled over, Melissa warned me…she fucking warned me.” He reared his head back, and the tears spilled down into his ears. His mouth twisted open, crying without a sound…whole body shaking…then a gasp, like a man trying not to drown. Wasn’t he drowning though? He heard Kim moving about in the back room, and he didn’t care.

  “She told me, Jim. She told me… ‘Danny, I don’t like this’….she fucking told me. She knew. I pulled over, and she was afraid, but I fucking ignored her…ignored my wife. She knew it was wrong. She could feel it and I ignored her. She was always right about things like that.” He let loose moans from within him…moans that were locked within him for months, spawning more of their breed; they had waited to be let out. “I tried to love my neighbor, Jim, instead of listening to my wife. I tried to help someone…two people who needed help. Why didn’t I listen to her, Jim? Why didn’t I listen to Melissa? She knew something was wrong.”

  Jim still held his forearm…trying to find his eyes with his own. Danny let more out. Couldn’t stop now. “When he pulled the gun, I hid from him, Jim. I fucking turned and ducked! I tried to find anything to hide behind, Jim…” Flecks of white, cottony mucous spat out of his mouth, but Jim still held his arm.

  “It’s natural, Danny. I’d run too, man. That doesn’t…”

  “I hid BEHIND HER, Jim! I fucking ducked behind her! I stepped behind my wife and tried to hide behind her. Don’t you see?” Jim could feel his soul in full reverse, could feel himself moving back away from Danny…secretly repulsed. Danny saw it…saw his brother’s thoughts. “You see, Jim? You see? I fucking hid behind my wife while he fired at me. Not one, like it said in the paper. He fired three shots, and I was behind her the whole time. The whole time! She was caught…she was between me and him…I could feel her body shudder when the bullet hit her…I was splattered with her blood, remember? Soaked in her blood!” He saw Jim’s look change, and he knew why. “That was me…that revulsion you feel I feel in myself. I hid behind my wife to save my miserable fucking life. I hid behind her. When she collapsed, I got down lower to stay behind her. Even those fucking murderers…even they looked at me with disgust as they drove off…even THEY knew I wasn’t a man. I lay there in my own urine, and looked into her eyes. I could see the lights go off…but not before I saw disgust in her eyes. Her husband had cowered behind her like a child, and let her die.”

  “No, Danny…no…I’m sure….”

  “The fuck you know? I was there! I…I fucking lived it!” his raspy voice boomed loudly, and he heard Jim’s baby crying and his wife shushing her. “I looked her right in the eyes while she died and she was disgusted by me. And she was right. I’m not a man. I let my wife die
to save my own life. I let her die, just to save my miserable life. My own…horrid…weak…disgusting life. My wife took a bullet to protect my miserable life. I was covered in her blood because I was behind her. I now have a life I don’t deserve. She should be mourning my death…I should have died to protect her right there. But I didn’t. Boroski probably only shot because I took off running. They weren’t murderers. They were thieves. They shot because I ran and hid behind my wife. Maybe they thought I was getting a gun. They just wanted the keys…the keys…they just wanted to get away…and the keys were in the car anyway.” His voice had progressively lowered, until he was somberly staring into the fire. Jim saw their father’s face on him.

  “It didn’t happen like that Danny,” Jim said, but he knew differently.

  Danny’s voice was a low growl now. “It did. Don’t you understand? I lied to you…I lied to the police…I lied to everybody. I told that story that they pulled the gun and shot her because I couldn’t let people know what had really happened.” Jim began to feel the curtain opening. “I let my wife die…maybe made her die. For what? For my own life? For my own worthless life?”

  “But you have that life. You have something…”

  “For what? Do I deserve it? Do I want to have this life?”

  “But you are alive. Maybe it means something that you lived. Maybe God wanted you to survive for a reason.”

  “Fuck you, Jim! Fuck you…fuck you…” he yelled, then trailed off again. “Saying that means Melissa was meant to die. My wife was meant to die, so that I could live like a miserable coward…a worthless piece of flesh going nowhere and doing nothing.”

  “But destroying your own life doesn’t bring her back. I’m worried you might hurt yourself. It feels like what you’re doing here, after all…like you’re committing slow suicide or something.”

  Scoffing laugh. “Suicide? I wouldn’t have the courage anyway. When I was in Ensenada, I wanted to end it all. I wanted to jump into the ocean and die, but I didn’t have the balls. I wanted to drink myself to death, or swallow pills. But I knew…I fucking knew…I couldn’t even put myself in danger to save my wife.” Jim could hear the wails of his daughter and Kim’s continued shushing and cooing.

  “Danny, you’re just human…you’re just a man…”

  “Man? I’m no man. I did the opposite of what any man would do…I hid behind my beautiful wife and let her die for my weakness….I killed her, Jim…as sure as we’re sitting here I fucking killed her. I don’t deserve anything that I have. Living here only reminds me of her, and what I did to her. Do you know what it’s like for me here? Everywhere I go…every step, every street, every fucking breath I take here reminds me of her. Reminds me of my own weakness…cowardice…when I walk down the street I see her…I see the places we’ve been. I have to leave or I’ll go insane. I’m probably already there, Jim. I’m probably already crazy. I have to go. Don’t you see?”

  And Jim did. He saw at last. No words he could say would make this better. He knew that now. He finally knew. Wherever his brother had to go, he had to go alone. He felt like he would never see Danny once he left. He felt like this was a trip he would never return from. It was one-way only. In his heart, he hoped…hoped that somehow his brother would find peace. He also knew that would only come at the end of a traumatic experience. A great, burning catharsis was ahead for Danny. A fiery crucible awaited. There was no avoiding it.

  As he lay himself down in bed that night, he saw his wife Kim looking at him, and he knew what she thought…he knew what he thought.

  “Are you okay, Jim?” Kim asked.

  “Yeah…okay…I’m okay…just a bit shocked.”

  “Yeah…” she was speaking softly, hoping Danny wouldn’t overhear.

  “Sorry we got so loud.”

  “No, it’s okay. Crystal was fussy anyway. I fed her and she went back to sleep.”

  “I hope you don’t mind; I don’t feel like talking much right now.”

  “I understand. Let’s get some sleep.”

  He didn’t sleep for a long time. He wondered if he would ever see his brother again. He wondered where Danny would find himself. He wondered what was in the future for all of them. He held his wife close that night. Inside himself, he wondered if he would have responded differently. Until today, he never doubted that he would die to protect his family. Now he wondered. Was he different than his brother? He no longer knew…they shared the same blood. He eventually drifted to sleep hoping that, if ever tested, he would pass the test Danny failed.

  PART IV: SOUTHEAST ASIA

  XXVI

  Sunlight streaking through the window. Yellow light. She lay there in front of him…languid in the morning glow. She wore a pale slip that ended mid-thigh. Arms extending lightly above her head, stretching off the morning sleep. She twisted her hips slightly, and then extended her legs out. Smiling. Light flickering in her eyes. Soft, pale skin…blonde hair that ended just past her shoulders, with twisted curls. She was so beautiful.

  He looked down on her, feeling her with his eyes. The light golden hairs on her arm glimmered in the sunshine. He could hear her soft breath. She was perfect. He wanted to touch her, but couldn’t yet. He felt like reaching for her, but didn’t want to spoil the moment…the vision of her. No makeup. No pretense. Just beauty.

  “Why don’t you lie down with me, Danny?” she asked, smoothing the spot next to her with her hand. “Lie down here.”

  “Not yet…I just want to look at you…” he said.

  She smiled up at him. A teasing smile. The smile that sent messages to his heart.

  “C’mon…lie down…” and she was purring her voice…

  Every inch of her was poetry. Every freckle, every crease. Twisted curls. He knew all those things. He had kissed every inch of her skin. He knew her smell, her taste. The feel of her soft golden hairs on his lips. The smell of her hair when he pressed his face into her neck. Her giggle when he kissed her thighs. The feel of her fingernails on his back. Her cold feet touching his legs in the middle of the night. A symphony of touch and feel and smell and taste and sound. All those were her. She was comprised of a million details, and he knew and loved them all.

  “Danny, lie down next to me…I want you…” and now her tone was insistent. He knew he wanted her too, so he moved to lay down next to her…to make love to her in the golden light.

  But he couldn’t move. He told his leg to step forward, but it didn’t respond. He was as stiff as a statue. He tried to break the statue-stone with his might, but he couldn’t. She looked up at him, and her eyes saw he was frozen. He saw her gray eyes widen. “Danny?” she said softly, but he couldn’t answer her. She sat up, and held her hand out to him.

  And then he heard a snap…more like a pop…more like a bang. Her body jerked, and fell back sharply to the bed. A violent red flower appeared on her chest. Dark, almost black. Petals thick and wet.

  “Why Danny? Why did you put this flower here?” He didn’t see her lips move. The words were in his mind. “I don’t like red flowers.” In her eyes he saw alarm. And pain. And then anger. Then disgust. Her light skin turned bone white.

  And then her legs and arms shot down straight. Her eyes focused straight ahead. Her hands with fingers extended pressed to her thighs. Her toes pointed away from her. Then her eyes unfocused, and the light in them went out.

  Melissa was naked now, with a sheet over her. The flower pulled inside the hole in her chest, like a magician’s sleight-of-hand, and was gone. The flower stained the hole pink.

  “Why Danny? Why?” No motion from her, but the shriek in his mind. It was as loud as a gunshot, and he couldn’t move to block it. He couldn’t take his eyes off her. He watched her sink into herself. The skin pulled tight, yellowing. Her lips rolled back, and her teeth grinned out at him. Her eyes sunk into their sockets.

  “Why?”

  He sat up in bed, crying before his eyes opened. He wailed into his hands, which were slick with his tears.

  XXV
II

  “Akoon jann, Danny” the waitress, La, said as he slipped a dollar into her hand. She smiled, pushed the dollar into her apron pocket, turned back to the bar and walked away. Danny watched her walk…he knew she swung her hips a bit more than usual, hoping that he would look. He loved her feminine glide. The smoothness of her movements. Her long, jet-black hair swung softly in its ponytail, sweeping her back.

  He turned back to the street. The Foreign Correspondent’s Club in Phnom Penh was his new favorite spot. From the upper floor, he could sit along the street side, watching the cars and tuk tuks and bicycles and walkers go by. He loved this view of the Tonlé Sap River, though at night the river was inky black. He liked the stink of car exhaust. He liked the angry whine of the tuk tuks, their undersized motorbike engines straining under the weight of tourists, more often than not Westerners. Most billowed smoke. He would see the adventure bikers riding by, their twenty-thousand-dollar motorcycles ripe for the stealing. He could smell the rotting moisture of the river and its runoff, recycling the waste of the city. It was always hot, and he was palming sweat off his forehead, wiping the moisture onto his denim shorts.

  When La returned with his Angkor beer, he sipped the foam off the top of the glass, then put it down on the rubber coaster. The humidity left moisture running in miniature rivers down the side of his beer. He took a few of the thin, tissue-like napkins and wiped up the moisture that passed down the side of the coaster. Danny never minded the crappy music they played here, even though they often repeated the same unfortunate music choices over and over. He couldn’t count the number of times he had heard a selection of ABBA’s hits. He somehow never understood why anybody would voluntarily listen to Dancing Queen in a bar in Cambodia. Someone should tell them how ridiculous this is, he would think…but that would never be him. The worst part, of course, was that he would find himself humming these songs the next day.

  He regarded the scene below him. Tourists. Pedophiles. Whores. Adventurists. Monks. All paraded down the street. Though a weeknight, the activity here in the Riverside was brisk. The crowds never seemed to abate. He loved that about this place. The sex clubs were often boring, sweaty affairs. Here at the FCC, he knew there would always be something interesting to see…like a human theater, with new acts every night.