Hard loving man

by Lorraine Heath

  “The anguish of giving up a child? What about the anguish of giving up the only woman I ever loved?”

  She wrapped her arms around her bent legs, trying to draw herself into a tight, comforting ball. “Oh, Jack—”

  He rolled off the bed, presenting her with his back. His tattoo filled her vision, and for the first time she realized whose broken heart it represented. His. And she realized with startling clarity that she’d been the one to break it.

  “Jack, I’m so sorry.”

  He faced her. “Sorry?” He shook his head as though to clear it. “Was this a case of do as I say and not as I do? Why didn’t you get married? Why not practice what you were preaching?”

  “I was fifteen. I had no job. No education. Limited possibilities. And the baby’s father”—she pressed a hand to her mouth, remembering the pain of his accusations—“wouldn’t marry me. He told people he wasn’t the father.” She searched his face, trying to find a spark of understanding, a hint of compassion. “My parents believed him, Jack. They believed him. Not me. And they were so ashamed. I was lost, so confused, wanting to do the right thing but not knowing what that was.”

  Staring at her, Jack plowed his fingers through his hair. His head was filled with a riotous confusion of conflicting emotions. Part of him wanted to be sympathetic, understanding. She’d only been fifteen. Part of him wanted to lash out. He could see now how she’d been totally irrational when he’d told her about Stephanie’s pregnancy. He’d always assumed it was because of her disappointment in him. Now he wasn’t so certain. Now he wondered if it stemmed more from disappointment in herself.

  “You weren’t happy with your choices, and my situation was the opportunity to do the right thing,” he said.

  “No, it’s not that simple. I know realistically that I had no choice except to give her up. But you and Stephanie had a chance to be a family.”

  He laughed harshly. A family. All he’d been was miserable. “You know what I think? I think you projected me onto that scum who got you pregnant or him onto me.” He shook his head, trying to get things straight in his mind. He’d suggested getting DNA testing done to prove the baby wasn’t his. She’d shot that idea down. He’d said he wasn’t the father. She wouldn’t listen to his arguments. “You didn’t want Stephanie going through what you went through. To hell with Jack, let’s protect the mother.”

  “No, it wasn’t like that. She said you were the father. Why would she lie? I didn’t lie about Randy. I didn’t think Stephanie would lie about you.”

  “Well, you sure had that wrong, didn’t you? And I loved you so damned much, Kelley, I would have done anything to keep you from being disappointed in me. Anything. Marry the girl, you said. And so I did. Do right by the baby, and I did. When were you planning on telling me?”

  “Never.”

  He scoffed. “So, we were going to make love in the dark for the rest of our lives?”

  It didn’t escape Kelley’s notice that he was talking in the past tense now. He’d loved her. Possibly no more. They were going to make love. Probably no more.

  And what hurt most of all was that he didn’t know the worst of it, and she couldn’t bear to tell him, couldn’t stand to see the complete disgust in his eyes. Couldn’t reveal her darkest secret for fear that in his anger, he’d reveal it to Madison, Madison, who would never forgive her for the deceit.

  As though reading her mind, he said, “Madison doesn’t know, does she?”

  “No!” She scrambled to her feet, his word a catalyst. She had to protect Madison from the truth at all costs. “And you can’t tell her. My parents did everything they could to protect me, to protect Madison.”

  “What were they protecting Madison from?”

  “The scandal.”

  “We don’t live in the Victorian era. It’s not as if unwed mothers are labeled and shunned.”

  “The times may be modern, but my parents weren’t. They didn’t want anyone to know about the pregnancy. It’s always been my dirty little secret. Hidden away, not talked about.”

  Dropping the sheet, he snatched his jeans up off the floor and jerked them on.

  “What are you doing?” she asked.

  “Getting dressed.”

  “Are you leaving?”

  “Yep. My son will be home in a little while.” Looking over his shoulder, he glared at her. “You know, the son I didn’t abandon.”

  “I didn’t abandon my daughter.”

  “Really? What do you call it? You didn’t keep her. What makes you any different from my mother? From Stephanie? The going gets rough, and so you go.”

  “That is so unfair, Jack.”

  “Unfair or not, everything I thought about you is crumbling. You deliberately kept this information from me. You ran away from your responsibility as a mother. I think you ran away from me. I think you were afraid to commit to me, and so you foisted me off on Stephanie. Convenient. You can’t handle Madison. Rather than stand your ground, you run back here. And here I am again. I’m starting to think excuses are all you’re good for. That and a great romp in bed.”

  Tears blurred her vision. “You bastard.”

  “That’s right, Kelley. That’s exactly what I am. My mother wasn’t married, either. Took her seventeen years to abandon me, but you know what? Abandonment is abandonment. So, this time, I’ll spare you having to come up with any excuse to leave me. This time, I’m the one who’ll do the walking.”

  Stunned by his words, his anger, his resentment, she could do little more than watch him gather up his things and stride from her room. She heard the front door slam shut. Heard his truck start up. Heard him drive away.

  Everything within her was screaming—at the unfairness, at his failure to understand, at the betrayals. The betrayal by her baby’s father. Jack’s betrayal nine years ago and now. But most of all, screaming because her parents had betrayed her as she’d never anticipated.

  She walked into her closet, stood on her tiptoes, and grabbed the metal box that housed her most precious possessions. Returning to her bedroom, she took a key out of her jewelry box and crossed over to the bed. Sitting, she laid the box beside her hip, twisted slightly, and inserted the key.

  The fireproof box was where she kept everything of value. Inside was the letter that Jack had written her, a letter she’d never opened. Since returning to Hopeful, she’d been tempted countless times to read it, to discover exactly what he’d written nine years ago, but in hindsight it probably wouldn’t have the same meaning it would have had nine years ago. She’d view the words differently, through the eyes of a woman who had changed. And the words were probably not ones that the Jack Morgan of today would write.

  But it wasn’t his letter that had drawn her into the closet. It was the secret photos. Only half a dozen. Taken by her best friend in high school, taken and secreted away because her parents would have never approved of her keeping them. But how could she not?

  Taking out the pictures, she ran her finger over the image of her holding her little baby girl. She’d been so tiny, her face all scrunched up. Kelley had thought her heart would burst with the love swelling within her. All she’d wanted was for the baby to grow up happy, healthy, and wiser than her mother.

  She’d truly believed she was doing the right thing. But now, seeing Jack with his son, she was no longer so certain. Jack hadn’t wanted responsibility for a child. And yet he’d taken it. A child whom he hadn’t fathered.

  While Kelley had handed over the child of her womb to others. She understood Jack’s anger, knew he would never forgive her. How could he when she’d never forgiven herself?

  Chapter 19

  Hammering the cedar plank into place, working on an addition to his deck that he’d been contemplating for several months, Jack was mad at the world, women in particular, Kelley specifically.

  And when he was angry, he built. Based on the depth of his fury, he figured he could add a second floor to his house. A third and a fourth. Several decks.

/>   He’d awoken this morning with his arms wrapped around Kelley and the sunlight pouring in through the windows, the draperies never having been drawn closed the night before. He’d taken his time studying all the lines and curves of her face in profile. He’d eventually moved his gaze down to her neck, her shoulders.

  Then, with a soft sigh, she’d rolled onto her back, her palms against the pillow, her fingers curled. She’d looked sweet and innocent, and he’d thought he wanted to wake up to this every morning of his life.

  He’d begun slowly trailing his finger over her warm flesh, around her breasts, between them, under them. He’d outlined every rib. Then he’d gingerly moved the sheet aside and begun exploring lower, relishing her perfection, feasting his gaze on that which until this morning had been denied his eyes.

  And then he’d spotted the scar, and his brain had engaged in some sort of mind warp, replacing Kelley with Stephanie. He could see his ex-wife, see her scar, hear her bemoaning the imperfection. She’d loathed every change of her body that her pregnancy had brought. She’d despised every diaper she had to change, every feeding she had to provide. Jack had wondered many a time if maybe she lacked some sort of motherhood gene.

  His mind had warped back, and he was with Kelley. Kelley, who had insisted he get married.

  With a curse, he buried the nail into the wood. He thought of Madison and tried to envision her a year younger and pregnant. Rocking back on his heels, he superimposed Kelley over her sister. They looked so much alike, it wasn’t difficult to imagine Kelley as Madison was. But he didn’t think she’d have Madison’s attitude.

  No, she would have been sweeter. How had she managed to get herself into that situation? He hadn’t even bothered to ask. He’d simply jumped down her throat because she’d taken the easy way out and had expected him to take the hard way.

  He slammed the hammer against another nail. Only maybe her way hadn’t been so easy after all. Was her way responsible for the haunted look he sometimes saw in her eyes? Was her way the reason she kept such a tight rein on Madison—because she didn’t want her to have to go through giving up her child? She was trying so damned hard to be to Madison what she hadn’t been to her own child.

  He hefted another board, set it in place, and began pounding another nail. His muscles bunched and stretched with his efforts. He’d gotten angry this morning because he’d always thought she was perfect. And he’d wanted her to look at him and see someone of value.

  Only she wasn’t perfect. She was flawed like everyone else. She’d made a mistake in her youth, and he had a feeling she was still paying for it. Otherwise, why wouldn’t she face it? Why had she felt the need to keep it from him?

  And she had felt the need. They’d made love only in low light or the dark. She’d hidden from him in the shadows. She was hiding from Madison as well.

  If she’d open up to Madison, explain why she was so overprotective, maybe she could hit an accord with the kid. Or maybe Madison would react as Jack had and throw out accusations. He’d reacted from the gut, which he wasn’t particularly proud of right now.

  He briefly wondered how Madison could not know that her sister had been one of the statistics, a teen pregnancy. But if Kelley was fifteen when she had the baby and she was thirty-one now, sixteen years had passed. Madison would have been born shortly afterward. Kelley and her mother would probably have been pregnant at the same time. What a thing for mother and daughter to go through together. And when the babies were born: a joyous moment for one, a shameful moment for the other.

  He stilled. Sixteen years. Shouldn’t she have accepted that she’d given the child up for adoption by now? Or did a mother never accept that, was she always wondering about her child?

  He shook his head, remembering how quickly tears had sprung to her eyes, as though he’d gouged a raw wound. Slowly, he stretched to his full height, the hammer thudding to the ground near his feet. All he’d seen when he looked at her was abandonment. He hadn’t wanted to see a mother’s struggles. He’d wanted to be the aggrieved party, because it was so much easier to be the one hurting than to be the one who needed to offer comfort to the one who was hurting.

  She wasn’t his mother. She wasn’t Stephanie. She hadn’t abandoned her child. Every day she lived with her choice. Just as every day he lived with his.

  “It was awesome, Dad,” Jason said around a mouthful of pizza.

  The boys had been starving the minute Serena drove into the driveway. They’d barely given Jack time to wash off the dirt of his labors before they’d persuaded him to take everyone out to Vinnie’s Pizzeria.

  Jason swallowed and continued. “The puppies were so tiny. And their eyes were closed, but they still found the milk. So maybe when they get old enough, we could go back to Grandpa Larry’s and pick one out to keep.”

  Jack exchanged a knowing glance with Serena. He should have known where this conversation was leading. He’d always liked Serena’s parents. They’d made him and his son feel welcome the first time they’d ever visited, had insisted everyone call them Grandpa Larry and Grandma Mary.

  “A dog is a big responsibility,” Jack informed everyone at the table, because he knew if Jason brought a dog home, sure as shooting, Riker was going to bring one home as well. And vice versa. The boys were practically joined at the hip. One didn’t do without the other one doing.

  “Me and Riker know that,” Jason said, confirming Jack’s suspicions that he’d been targeted as the weaker link, the parent who would be easier to crack.

  “What’s your mom think about you having a dog, Riker?” Jack asked.

  Riker exchanged a quick look with Jason. “She said it depends on what you say.”

  “I see. Who’s going to pay for the vet bills?” Jack asked. “Dogs have to get shots.”

  “We will,” Jason assured him. “We’ll wash cars or something to raise money.”

  “Who’s going to feed him, bathe him, walk him?” Jack asked.

  “We will,” Riker answered. “You won’t even know the dog’s there.”

  “Oh, I doubt that. Who’s going to clean up the mess he makes before he’s trained?” Jack asked.

  “Mom,” Riker answered quickly, no doubt at all in his voice.

  Jack laughed, and Serena chuckled.

  “Think again, boys,” Serena said, smiling.

  “But, Dad, we saw the puppies being born, so it’s like they’re ours.”

  Studying his son, Jack understood that feeling. He’d felt it the first time he gazed on Jason. He sometimes wondered who had really gotten Stephanie pregnant, but if she knew, she wasn’t saying. Not that Jack would have given Jason up without a fight. For all he knew, the man who had fathered Jason could have been a stranger passing through town.

  He supposed there would come a time when he’d have to discuss the truth with Jason, but he didn’t see that happening for a long while. Jason was his son. It didn’t matter whose genes he carried.

  He’d been grateful no one had ever challenged his right to have Jason as his son. The boy gave him roots, and when they were together, neither was an outcast. Kelley’s wanting to make up for her past had given him his future.

  And he’d thrown it all in her face.

  “What about the dog?” Jason prodded.

  “I’ll think about it,” Jack said.

  Jason and Riker tapped knuckles, and Jack knew they read him too well. “I’ll think about it” was too close to a yes in their young minds. Probably because it usually did turn into a yes.

  As soon as the boys finished their pizza, Jack gave them a handful of quarters, and they went off to play the video games, leaving him with Serena.

  “They must have worn you out,” Jack said.

  She smiled softly. “They always wear me out, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.” She shoved her plate aside and leaned toward him. “I sorta thought you’d have Kelley here tonight.”

  Sadly, he shook his head. “I think I might have made a mistake where she’s conc
erned.”

  “You mean, in thinking she was the one?”

  “No, in making her think she wasn’t.”

  Chapter 20

  Jack sat at his desk, his mind wandering from the paperwork he needed to concentrate on. He’d left messages on Kelley’s answering machine at home and at the school. She hadn’t returned his calls. Not that he blamed her. He’d been an incredible jerk.

  He’d considered dropping by the school, but he decided a more private meeting would be best. But how was he going to arrange that? He needed to speak with her when Madison wasn’t around. So her house was out, unless he went on twenty-four-hour surveillance, watching for an opportune moment when Kelley was home and Madison wasn’t. Who knew when that would happen?

  He didn’t think he could make Kelley venture across his threshold. Short of arresting her and locking himself in a cell with her, he didn’t know how he was going to get her alone. Although his last thought had some merit. Might even be fun. Especially if he took a pair of handcuffs into the cell with him.

  On second thought, she probably wouldn’t be too receptive to that idea.

  As a general rule, he was confident of his place in the world. He’d worked hard to attain it. But where Kelley was concerned, he was never certain exactly where he stood. Even when he thought he knew, something nagged at the back of his mind, something that said she wasn’t a hundred percent with him. It was the guy who was supposed to relish the physical and shun the emotional. Kelley seemed to relish the physical as long as he didn’t push for a commitment. What was wrong with this picture?

  He’d finally determined that what was wrong with the picture was that Kelley didn’t have a lot of reasons to trust the opposite sex. She’d gotten pregnant, and the guy had refused to claim her or the child, had left her high and dry, to make do on her own.