Get Smart 8 - Max Smart Loses Control

by William Johnston

  Hymie took over the phone, and, at the Chief’s insistence, began explaining what had gone wrong—and why.

  “That’s the trouble with machines,” Max grumbled to 99. “Ask a straight question and you get a straight answer.”

  “He took an oath to tell the Chief the truth, Max,” 99 said.

  “I took that same oath, 99. But I had sense enough to cross my fingers when I took it. See? There’s further proof of the superiority of the human. A machine doesn’t think far enough ahead to cross its fingers when it’s taking an oath.”

  Hymie handed the shoe back to Max. “He wants to talk to you again,” he said.

  Max: This is a recorded announcement: Your party has been called away on business. If you would care to leave a message, please begin recording at the sound of the beep.

  Operator: It’s him! It’s him, Chief! That recorded announcement is as phony as a ten-cent circuit-breaker!

  Max: It takes one to know one!

  Chief: Max! Stop it! All I want to say is that I understand why you feel so badly about Hymie being in charge of the case. I can put myself in your shoes. I know how I’d feel if HIM put you in charge of Control. I’d kill myself. But, Max, we must follow orders. So, please . . . please, Max . . . try not to do any thinking for yourself. Let Hymie make the decisions. All right?

  (Silence)

  Chief: Max! Are you there? Max, when I said I’d kill myself, I didn’t mean—

  Max: Don’t get excited, Chief. I was just thinking.

  Chief: Max, I told you to stop that.

  Max: Oh . . . not about the case exactly, Chief. I was just wondering . . . when I said I was chewy and crunchy, didn’t that even give you a faint idea who I was?

  (Silence)

  Max: Chief? Chief? Are you there?

  (Silence)

  Max: Chief? Operator? Somebody?

  (Silence)

  Max put his shoe back on.

  “What happened, Max?” 99 asked.

  “The telephone workers must have suddenly gone on strike,” Max said. “We were cut off.”

  4.

  MAX, 99 AND HYMIE went to their respective apartments, got out of the sticky chocolate into some dry clothes, and then, after rendezvousing at Max’s, returned to the candy factory to look for some clue that might allow them to pick up the trail of Ways, Means and Number One.

  “I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that Number One is still here in the candy factory,” Max said, speaking to 99, but making sure he could be overheard by Hymie. “But, if Hymie, our beloved brother agent, who is in charge of the case, wants me to look for evidence that she’s been taken away, then that’s what I’ll do. Mine is not to reason why, mine is but to do or die. Discipline is very important in secret agent work. Somebody has to be in charge, and somebody has to be the leader, and all the rest have to be the followers. It isn’t important that the followers might have more experience and—”

  “Max . . . please,” 99 said wearily.

  “Am I running it into the ground, 99?”

  “Yes, Max.”

  “Well, it’s good to get resentments out of your system, you know, 99. If I kept it inside me, all bottled up, I might, in time, become a bitter old man.”

  “Max, if I have to listen to much more, I suspect that, sooner than that, I’m going to become a bitter old woman.”

  “Sorry, 99.”

  “That’s all right, Max. Just—”

  At that moment, Hymie called to them. He was holding a scrap of computer tape. “I think I found something,” he said. He showed the tape to Max and 99. On it was printed the letters: AU.

  “You certainly did find something,” Max said. “Now throw it away, Hymie, and let’s keep looking for clues.”

  “But I think this is a clue,” Hymie said. “My guess is that while Number One was being taken away she was thinking to herself—for want of something to do—and this is what she was thinking.”

  “Au?” Max replied. “That’s thinking? I doubt it very much, Hymie. Maybe Means and Ways were feeding her information too fast and she was gagging.”

  “No,” Hymie said. “Au means—”

  “Or maybe one of them was standing on her foot,” Max suggested.

  “Max, Number One doesn’t have a foot. I’m sure this is what she had on her mind. It’s like her. She probably overheard Ways and Means say where they were going to take her and she was mulling it over. She plays a little game sometimes when she’s bored. The word association game.”

  “What place could she possibly associate with Au?” Max asked.

  “Fort Knox,” Hymie replied.

  Max snickered. “Did you get that, 99? Hymie thinks Number One associated Au with Fort Knox.”

  “He might very well be right, Max,” 99 replied. “Au is the symbol for gold, you know. And gold and Fort Knox sure are a good match.”

  “Oh,” Max said. “Well, of course, I knew all along that Au is the symbol for gold. But, Fort Knox? That may have been a good match a few decades ago, but today, when you ask yourself, ‘where’s the money,’ the answer is not Fort Knox. It’s Las Vegas.”

  99 thought for a second. “You might be right, Max,” she decided.

  “I think of Fort Knox,” Hymie said.

  “All that proves is how square you are,” Max told him. “Just consider for a moment, Hymie. If you were Means and Ways, and you had to take a computer somewhere to keep her out of sight while you brainwashed her, which would it be, Fort Knox or Las Vegas? The answer, obviously, is Las Vegas. There’s no night life in Fort Knox, you know, Hymie.”

  “What does that have to do with brainwashing a computer, Max?”

  “I haven’t the faintest idea. But you can be sure that when we find Means and Ways that’s one of the first questions I’ll ask them. Now, is it settled? Shall we go to Las Vegas?”

  “Fort Knox,” Hymie said.

  “How about Fort Knox by way of Las Vegas?” Max suggested.

  “Fort Knox—straight,” Hymie said.

  “You know, Hymie,” 99 said, “Max could very well be right about Las Vegas.”

  “I could?” Max said, surprised.

  “I’m a woman,” 99 said to Hymie, “and when I think of gold, I think of Las Vegas, too. And, don’t forget, Number One is a female. Why don’t we do this? Why don’t you go to Fort Knox and Max and I will go to Las Vegas?”

  “That’s good computing, 99,” Hymie replied. “We’ll do that.”

  From the candy factory they went to the airport. There, Max and 99 got a plane for Las Vegas and Hymie took a flight to Fort Knox. A few hours later, Max and 99 checked into a large hotel in Las Vegas, and not long after that, at Max’s suggestion, they went to the hotel’s gambling casino.

  “What now, Max?” 99 asked. “I don’t see either Ways or Means anywhere around.”

  “They’ll show up,” Max said confidently. “I think I’ve got it all figured out, 99. Remember?—that blonde told us that Means and Ways were making a profit on that candy factory. It’s my guess that they were using it to finance this operation. But, since they can’t use the candy factory anymore, they’ll have to get money from somewhere else—right? So—”

  “Max, you mean you think they’re financing the operation by gambling? Isn’t that a little risky?”

  “Not if you’re not really gambling, 99.”

  “I don’t understand, Max. How can you gamble without really gambling?”

  “Just suppose, 99, that Means and Ways have brainwashed one of these slot machines? When they needed money, all they’d have to do is show up and hit the jackpot.”

  “Max . . . that’s a little far-fetched . . .”

  “When it was first mentioned, space travel sounded a little far-fetched, too, 99. But that didn’t stop Thomas Edison.”

  “Thomas Edison invented the electric light, Max.”

  “I’m talking about before that, when he flew his kite in a storm and discovered lightning. What do you think an electr
ic light is, 99? It’s a little bulb of lightning.”

  “Oh. But . . . Max . . . what’s the connection with space travel?”

  “You don’t think they send those space ships up without lights, do you, 99? That would be very dangerous. How would they see where they were going at night?”

  99 nodded. “I guess you’re right, Max,” she said. “Ways and Means probably are financing the operation by brainwashing a slot machine.” She peered at the hundreds of one-armed bandits in the casino. “But which one?”

  “Well, we could wait around until we saw Means or Ways come in and play a machine and hit a jack-pot,” Max replied. “But they could be sending someone else to play it for them. So we’ll just have to start playing the machines and keep it up until we find the one that pays off every time with a jackpot.”

  “I don’t know, Max. It seems to me—”

  “Then when we find it,” Max went on, “we’ll put a stake-out on it. Sooner or later, we’ll spot the guy who’s collecting on it for Means and Ways. We’ll follow him, and where he goes, that’s where we’ll find Number One.”

  “It sounds so simple . . .” 99 said worriedly.

  “Basically, 99, all of my ideas are simple.”

  “I know, Max. But this one sounds easy, too.”

  “Nobody likes an acid-tongued secret agent, 99. Just hand over your change, and let’s get started.”

  They approached the first machine, and Max put a silver dollar into the slot, then pulled the handle. The cylinder spun, then stopped, showing an apple, a lemon and a cherry.

  “Shall we try the next one, Max?”

  “Just a minute, 99. This may not be the machine we’re looking for, but I have a feeling that it’s about to pay off, nevertheless. If we can pick up a little profit on the side, what’s the harm?”

  “Max, we’re here on business.”

  “But, 99, this machine is ripe. I can sense it. Why let somebody else walk away with the winnings?” He put another silver dollar into the slot. “Just this once,” he said. “I promise—from now on, it’ll be strictly business.” He pulled down on the handle.

  The cylinder spun, and two lemons and a cherry came up.

  “Can we move on now, Max?”

  “99, I’ve invested two dollars in this machine. I can’t quit now. Especially when it’s right on the verge of coughing up that jackpot.” He put another dollar into the slot. “Heads up, 99—here it comes.” He pulled the handle. “We should have thought to bring a large bag to carry the winnings in.”

  He got a cherry, a lemon and a peach.

  “Max—”

  “Don’t say it, 99. You’re right—I misjudged. It’s going to take a few more plays before this machine pays off.” He handed her a fifty-dollar bill. “Here, get me some change for this. I’ll stay here. I don’t want anybody else to get this machine—not while it’s hot.”

  99 got more silver dollars for Max and he continued to play—and to lose the silver dollars. After he had been at it for about an hour, 99 drifted away and went to the coffee shop and had lunch. When she returned, Max sent her after more change. When she returned, she watched him a while longer, then, bored, she went to her room and had a nap. That evening, returning to the casino, she was surprised to find that he was no longer at the slot machine. There was an Out-of-Order sign on it. The sign was hand-printed in a shaky scrawl. Since Max was not playing any of the other machines, either, 99 went looking for him. She found him in the lobby, standing near the check-in desk. He was nervously drumming his fingers on the counter.

  “Max—”

  Max jumped, startled. “Don’t do that, 99,” he complained. “I’m a little on edge.”

  “What are you doing here, Max?”

  “Waiting for a reply to my wire to the Chief,” Max replied. “I asked him to send more money.”

  “Oh. You mean—”

  “99, it’s fantastic. That machine is going to pay off on the very next play. But I’m completely out of cash.”

  “But, Max, that machine is out-of-order.”

  “I put that sign on it, 99. Do you think I want some stranger to walk off with my winnings?”

  “Max, isn’t this getting a little out of hand?” 99 said. “Remember what we’re here for? We’re looking for Number One.”

  “Number who, 99?”

  “Max! For heaven’s sake! I think you’ve got gambling fever. That’s terrible! Don’t you know you can’t win?”

  “Can’t win?” Max said indignantly. “One more play, 99, and I’ll be rich! 99, I’ve learned to communicate with that machine. And believe me, it’s my friend. It wants me to win. Is it the machine’s fault that I ran out of money?”

  At that moment, the clerk spoke to Max. “Your wire came in, sir,” he said. “And here’s the money—a thousand dollars.”

  Max snatched the bag of silver dollars and rushed back to the casino, with 99 tagging after him. Quickly, he dropped another silver dollar into the slot, then pulled the handle. The cylinder spun—and came up with a peach, a lemon and a cherry.

  “Your machine was lying to you, Max,” 99 said.

  “No,” Max said, putting another dollar into the machine, “the trouble is, the conditions weren’t exactly right. I wasn’t holding my left foot off the floor an inch and a half.”

  “Is that necessary?”

  “Conditions have to be perfect,” Max said, pulling the handle.

  He got two cherries and an apricot.

  “Did you see that!” Max said excitedly. “Did you see that, 99?”

  “No money came out, Max.”

  “Not that. What I mean is, did you see that apricot. I’ve never got an apricot before. That’s a very good sign. Now, I think, if I just put my thumb in my right ear this time, I think that will do it!”

  Max dropped another silver dollar into the machine.

  99 sighed and moved on and went to the dining room and had dinner. When she finished, she stopped by the casino again. Max was still playing the machine.

  “Any more apricots, Max?”

  “No. But I got a kumquat. You don’t see many of those on a slot machine.”

  “Have you hit the jackpot yet, Max?”

  “Not yet, 99. But I’ll hit it on the very next try, I’m sure. Getting a kumquat is practically like getting a written guarantee.”

  “Goodnight, Max,” 99 yawned. “I’m going to turn in.”

  When 99 awakened the next morning, she telephoned to Max’s room. There was no answer. She had breakfast sent up, then dressed and went down to the casino. Max was not there. She moved on to the desk, intending to ask the clerk if he had seen him, guessing that Max may have wired for more money. But on her way through the lobby, she spotted him shining a man’s shoes. 99 waited until he had finished, then joined him.

  “Max, is this a disguise?” she asked.

  “Not exactly, 99,” he replied. “I’m just picking up a little change. That machine I’m playing is all set up to pay off. But, as luck would have it, I ran out of silver dollars again.”

  “Max!” 99 said, appalled. “You’re shining shoes for money?”

  “You certainly don’t think I’m doing it because I like it, do you?”

  “Where did you get the shoe shine kit?”

  “I rented it from the rent-a-shoe-shine-kit company.”

  “But you said you ran out of money.”

  “Fortunately, they accepted my Diner’s Club card.”

  “Max . . . Max . . . look at you!” 99 said. “I’ll bet you haven’t had any sleep. Your eyes are bleary . . . your tie is loose . . . you look . . . well, terrible! Do you realize what’s happening, Max?”

  “Of course I realize what’s happening, 99. I’m standing here talking to you when I could be hustling customers. Or, are you interested in a shoe shine?”

  “I can’t afford it, Max. You put all my money in that machine.”

  “Why don’t you rent yourself a kit, 99? I’ll let you use my Diner’s Cl
ub card.”

  “Max, if the Chief—”

  “Don’t mention that man’s name in my presence, 99. He’s a fair-weather Chief. I wired him for money, and he refused to send it.”

  “No, he didn’t, Max. I was with you when it arrived.”

  “That was the first time. Later, I sent him another wire, saying, SEND ANOTHER THOUSAND. And he wired back, WHAT FOR? Then I wired him again, saying, FOR OLD TIMES’ SAKE. After that, he telephoned me. And, 99, I would not repeat what he said to me. But, the gist of it was that my expense account has been cut off.”

  “Did you tell him about your plan to locate Number One, Max?”

  “The conversation didn’t get that far,” Max replied. “I hung up on him.”

  “Max!”

  “It served him right,” Max said. “He hung up on me first.”

  “Max, you’ve got to stop this,” 99 pleaded. “Gambling is a sickness. Go to your room. Rest. I’ll telephone the Chief and explain everything. I’m sure he’ll forgive you.”

  “Excuse me, 99,” Max said, moving away. “I have a customer.”

  99 sat around the lobby all day watching Max shine shoes. Each time he got a dollar together, he rushed into the casino and put it into the slot machine. By night, not having hit the jackpot, he looked totally defeated.

  “Are you ready to give up, Max?” 99 asked, joining him as he stood staring glassy-eyed at the machine.

  “Yes, 99,” he replied, “I’ve had it. There’s just not enough big money in shoe shining. I need a new gimmick.”

  “That’s not what I meant, Max. I meant, aren’t you ready to give up on this machine?”

  “99, that’s ridiculous. I can’t quit now. Even if I just get back what I’ve put into this machine, I’ll be rich.”

  “Max . . . please. Come with me. We’ll have dinner and talk this over.”

  “99, I’m not going to waste good money on food.”

  “We’ll have to charge it, Max. We’re all out of cash.”

  “Oh . . . yes. All right.”

  They went to the dining room, found a table, and ordered. While they were waiting for the food to be served, 99 reminded Max that he had a duty to the civilized world to resume the search for Number One.