Get Smart 8 - Max Smart Loses Control

by William Johnston

  “We’ll torture you!” Ways threatened.

  “A fat lot of good that will do,” Max said smugly. “The reason Number One is acting up is because she’s in love with Hymie. They were once steadies, you know. Unfortunately, there was a little misunderstanding, and they broke up. Hymie was hurt, of course. He thought she was just using him as a convenience until Mr. Right came along. And Number One thought Hymie ought to be the one to apologize, even though she’d started the whole thing by telling him to go jump off a pier. But then, today, when they saw each other again, they realized what a great mistake the parting had been.”

  “Thanks,” Means said. “That’s what we wanted to know—what was causing all that love poetry. Now that we know, we can cure it. We’ll just feed her anti-love information. Before long, she’ll hate everybody—even her ex-robotfriend.”

  Ways and Means departed.

  “Well, Hymie,” Max said disgustedly, “you booted it again.”

  “What did I do, Max?”

  “You had a clear responsibility to shut me up, Hymie, and you muffed it. How you got to be an executive, I’ll never know.”

  Again, Max motioned to Hymie, and they withdrew to a corner of the cell.

  “We have to get out of here,” Max said, whispering. “Now—how do we do it?”

  “I don’t know, Max.”

  “Hymie, I figured out the problem. It’s your duty, as the leader, to come up with the solution. Do I have to do it all myself?”

  “Do you have a suggestion, Max?”

  “As a matter of fact, yes. First, I think we ought to overpower the guard.”

  “But we’ll still be locked in the cell, Max.”

  “Mmmmmm . . . you’re right. All right, first, we have to escape from the cell . . . then, we have to overpower the guard. How’s that?”

  “Fine, Max. How do we escape?”

  “Wouldn’t you like to do the thinking from here on out, Hymie? It’s your turn, you know.”

  “It’s too bad we didn’t pick up some escape devices from Research and Development before we left,” Hymie said.

  “Yes. Good old R & D is always— Wait a minute! I may have some left over from my last case,” Max said, digging a hand into his pocket. He brought out a small metal spoon.

  “What’s that?” Hymie asked.

  “It’s a small metal spoon,” Max replied.

  “I mean what is it really?”

  “Really, it’s a small metal spoon,” Max replied. “I don’t know what it’s doing in my pocket—it belongs in my sandbox.”

  “Could we use it in some way, Max?”

  “Well . . . if the guard is a sand-boxer himself, and he doesn’t have a small metal spoon, I suppose we could try bribing him.”

  Hymie shook his head. “I don’t think so, Max.”

  “If we could get him to take us to the machine shop, we could make it into a key,” Max suggested.

  “I doubt it, Max.”

  “Hold the spoon,” Max said. “I’ll see what else I can find.”

  He dug into his pocket again. This time, he came up with a metal item about the size of an aspirin tablet. “This will do it,” he said. “This is used for underwater demolition. This one little explosive will blow up a body of water the size of Lake Ontario. My last case was at the bottom of the Pacific. The mission was to destroy a KAOS secret underwater nuclear power installation.”

  “Did you do it, Max?”

  “Would I still have the explosive if I’d done it?”

  “What happened?”

  “It’s dark at the bottom of the Pacific,” Max replied. “I couldn’t find the explosive. At the time, I had a slight headache—from thinking about carrying around an explosive the size of an aspirin tablet that could blow up a body of water the size of Lake Ontario—and so, I was also carrying some aspirin tablets. Well, as it happened, the explosive got mixed up with the aspirin tablets. And, my light wouldn’t work—”

  “What was the matter with it, Max?”

  “How do I know? I used up a whole box of matches, trying to strike a light. Defective workmanship, I suppose.”

  “Maybe it was because you were at the bottom of the Pacific,” Hymie suggested.

  “Hymie, above or below sea level, matches should still work. Anyway,” he said, “that was another case. It’s just lucky I didn’t use this explosive to blow up that nuclear power installation. If I had, I wouldn’t have it with me now. And this explosive, Hymie, is going to get us out of here.”

  “It probably would, Max,” Hymie said. “But I think we’d regret it.”

  “Oh? How so?”

  “Max, if it’s powerful enough to blow up a body of water the size of Lake Ontario, what do you suppose it will do to this cell—and everybody in it?”

  “That’s a very good point, Hymie. We better crawl under that bunk, so we won’t get hurt.”

  “That won’t help, Max. Think about it.”

  Max thought about it, then put the explosive back into his pocket. “I guess we’re stuck with the spoon,” he said.

  “That won’t be much help, either, Max.”

  “Never say die,” Max said. “I saw a Jimmy Cagney picture once where he rattled on the cell bars with a spoon. It made an awful racket.”

  “Did it get him out of the cell, Max?”

  “No, but it got me out of the theater,” Max replied. “And maybe the same thing would work in this instance. I’ll rattle the spoon on the bars. The noise may drive the guard away. And once the guard is gone, we can use the spoon to start digging our way out.”

  “Max—”

  But Max was determined. He began rattling the spoon on the bars, making a terrible racket.

  “Hey!” the guard said, coming to the cell door. “That’s a terrible racket. You’re giving me a headache.”

  “Sorry about that,” Max said sympathetically. “I know exactly how that is.” He dug into his pocket. “Here. Here’s an aspirin.”

  “Thanks,” the guard replied, taking the tablet and swallowing it.

  Max began rattling the spoon on the bars again.

  The guard drew his gun and pointed it at Max. “Do that once more, and you get it right between the eyes!” he warned.

  Glowering, Max put the spoon away. The guard returned to his post.

  “Max! Do you know what you gave that guard!” Hymie said.

  “Yes—a very nasty look!” Max replied. “He could have been polite about asking me to stop, he didn’t have to threaten me.”

  “That aspirin, I mean. That was the explosive!”

  “Oh-oh,” He called through the bars. “Guard! I want you to know that you don’t have to worry about us trying to make a jailbreak. So, don’t make any sudden moves. If you hear or see anything unusual, don’t panic. Ask questions first. Whatever you do, don’t jump up or run.”

  “Quiet!” the guard yelled back.

  “Leave him alone, Max,” Hymie said. “You might upset him.”

  “Maybe we better get under that bunk, anyway, Hymie—just in case.”

  “There’s nothing but cotton padding on that bunk, Max. What good would that do?”

  “Don’t forget—I’ll be holding my spoon over us, too.”

  8.

  AS SOON as 99 had had breakfast that morning, she strolled out to where the horse and cow were standing, grazing, assuming that Max and Hymie would make contact with her there. But morning passed and they did not appear. 99 took a half-hour off for lunch, then returned to the corral. She noticed now that all of the hired hands were clean-shaven. That started her wondering. Was it possible that Max and Hymie, obeying their bedside computers, had taken off their false mustaches? If so, they might have been recognized. They might now, in fact, be in the clutches of Ways and Means!

  Beginning to worry, 99 strolled to the pool, mingled with the other guests, and began asking sly questions.

  “Well . . . any clues to anything?” she inquired of a middle-aged man, settling down bes
ide him in the next deck chair.

  “My dear, clues to anything you might choose,” he beamed. “Nothing is impossible in this place. First vacation I’ve enjoyed in years. I’m thinking of moving my office out here.”

  “Business and pleasure don’t mix,” 99 reminded him.

  “I’ve always enjoyed working,” the man said. “And now I enjoy vacationing. So, it’ll be mixing pleasure with pleasure.”

  “But won’t it get boring, enjoying yourself all the time?” 99 asked.

  “No, no, no. There’s always something new and interesting going on here at the Leg Up. Why, only this morning, several gentlemen jumped into the pool fully clothed, turned the rim on that drain at the bottom, then disappeared through a secret opening in the side of the pool. You don’t see much of that back home in Milford, Connecticut.”

  “Oh?”

  “No. You have to drive all the way to Bridgeport. It gets pretty wild in Bridgeport sometimes.”

  99 leaned a little forward, lowering her voice. “These men who jumped into the pool—were they clean-shaven?” she asked.

  “All but two of them,” the man replied.

  “Could you describe them?”

  “Had handlebar mustaches.”

  “Was there anything else about them that you noticed?” 99 asked.

  “Well . . . one of them wasn’t as dumb-looking as the other.”

  99 smiled. “Thank you.”

  She got up, dived into the pool fully clothed, turned the rim on the drain, then disappeared through a secret opening.

  “Same old stuff,” the man grumbled. “Who was it said there’s always something new and interesting going on here?”

  Finding herself in a corridor, 99 sized up the situation, then proceeded toward the closed door at the far end of the corridor. Approaching a nozzle that was protruding from the wall, she identified it as a mind-destroying laser beam, and ducked under it. A moment later, she came to a second nozzle. Chalked over it, she saw the words: Out of Order. Recognizing the nozzle as a napalm spray, 99 knew that there would be no point to putting an Out of Order sign on it if it were really out of order, so the sign was probably a trick. She ducked under the spray and proceeded. The sign over the trapdoor did not fool her either. She soon reached the closed door at the end of the corridor.

  Opening the door, 99 spotted Ways and Means, with their backs to her, feeding information into a machine that looked a great deal like a refrigerator that had broken out in a rash of gauges, buttons, dials and levers, and which, consequently, she assumed must be Number One. Ways and Means appeared to be quite perturbed. As a result, they did not see her as she slipped quietly across the laboratory toward one of the side doors. Nor did they notice when she passed through the doorway and entered the smaller corridor that led to the cells.

  A few seconds later, 99 came upon the guard who was doing sentry duty near the cell which held Max and Hymie. She immediately dropped the man with one quick, sharp karate blow, then, as he fell, hurried to the bars of the cell.

  “Max! Hymie! Are you all right?” 99 called.

  “We’re fine, 99.”

  “What are you doing under that bunk?”

  “It’s sort of a game,” Max replied, as he and Hymie crawled out. “It’s called ‘When you see a good friend creep up on a guard and drop him with a karate blow and let him fall and he’s just swallowed an explosive that could blow up a body of water the size of Lake Ontario, duck under anything, even a bunk or a small metal spoon.’ ”

  “Gee . . . I like the title,” 99 said. “But, how is it played?”

  “Very carefully, without disturbing the body,” Max replied.

  “99,” Hymie said, “get the keys from the guard and let us out.”

  “But, 99—” Max warned, “—don’t disturb the body!”

  99 returned to where the guard had fallen, rolled his body over—very carefully—then unhooked the ring of keys from his belt.

  “I wonder which is which?” 99 said, returning to the cell and examining the keys.

  “The key for the cell will fit the lock in the cell door,” Max explained. “That’s the way you tell.”

  “I know, Max. I— Here it is!”

  99 turned the key in the lock, then opened the cell door. Max and Hymie slipped out, then the three moved toward the doorway that led to the laboratory. But suddenly Max halted them.

  “Somebody’s coming!”

  “I heard it, too, Max,” 99 said.

  “Anybody have a weapon?” Max asked.

  There was no reply.

  “Then we’ll have to hide,” Max decided. “That’s probably Means and Ways and the whole army of guards coming this way. If they catch us, they’ll toss us all into that cell. And then 99 won’t be free to rescue us again.”

  “Max! Where can we hide?”

  “Follow me!”

  Max turned and retreated along the corridor, and 99 and Hymie followed close behind. Max suddenly made a sharp right turn—and Hymie and 99 tagged after him.

  “They’ll never find us in here,” Max crowed.

  “Max, we’re—”

  There was a clanging sound.

  “That was probably the guard shutting that cell door we left open,” Max gloated.

  “It was, Max,” Hymie assured him. He pointed. “If you’ll look, you can see him.”

  Max looked, then broke into a broad grin. “Talk about stupid,” he said. “Look—that guard has locked himself into his own cell.”

  “Max—”

  “Of all the dumb tricks!” Max went on. “I knew he couldn’t be very bright when he swallowed that explosive, thinking it was an aspirin. But this takes the prize.”

  “Max,” 99 said, “it isn’t the guard who’s locked in the cell.”

  “What do you mean, 99? I can see it for myself. There he is, standing there with his hands gripping the bars. Look at that happy look on his face. That’s the look of a man who— Oh. Yes, I see what you mean, 99.”

  “This wasn’t the best place to hide, Max,” Hymie said. “We’re right back in the cell where we started.”

  “Matters aren’t quite as bad as they were,” Max insisted. “99 is with us now. It’s always better to have feminine company. I don’t know why. But things seem to work out that way.”

  “Hey, wait a minute!” the guard said. “I had two prisoners before. Now there’re three. Who doesn’t belong?” He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t remember having a girl in there before.”

  “Okay—we admit it—we sneaked her in,” Max said. “And we’re willing to take our punishment. If it’s against the rules to have girls in the cells, then kick us all out. We deserve it.”

  “It’s not against the rules,” the guard replied. “You can have all the girls in here you want to for all I care.”

  “Now . . . just-a-minute!” Max said indignantly. “If that’s the kind of jail this is, I want no part of it! I have a reputation to consider. I want out! And, furthermore, I want my money back!”

  Cowed, the guard put the key in the lock. “I don’t know about getting your money back,” he said. “You’ll have to talk to the management. All I—”

  At that moment, Ways and Means came stomping into the room.

  “What’re you doing?” Means asked the guard.

  “He wanted out,” the guard explained, indicating Max. “He’s worried about his reputation, what with us allowing girls in the cells and all.”

  “Girls in the—”

  Ways and Means peered into the cell.

  “It’s her!” Ways said. “I’d remember that head anywhere. Once you see a head bobbing around on top of a vat of chocolate, it’s hard to forget it.”

  “How did she get in there?” Means asked the guard.

  “I have a sore neck, sir,” the guard replied, “so she must have fought her way in.”

  Means looked hard at Hymie. “I don’t see it, but you must have something,” he said. “Number One is ga-ga over you, and now you’
ve got dames fighting their way in to get to you in jail.”

  “Can we assume from that statement,” Max said “that Number One is still reciting love poetry?”

  “As fast as she can turn it out,” Ways said. “We feed her hate, and she gives us love. It’s a terrible thing. But we have the solution. We’re going to give her what she wants—the robot.”

  “That’s very good thinking,” Max said. “I approve of that.”

  “You think when that robot gets in there he’ll brainwash her in the other direction, don’t you?” Ways said.

  “Well . . . it just may be possible that since she’s ga-ga over him he might have some influence over her,” Max admitted

  “Dumb,” Means said.

  “Before we turn him over to her, we plan to brainwash him,” Ways explained to Max. “We’ll make him think he’s a KAOS agent. That way, he’ll work with us, not against us.”

  “That’s very good thinking,” Max said. “I’m afraid you’ve lost my approval, however.”

  “Open the cell door,” Means commanded the guard.

  When the door had been opened, Hymie was taken out. Then Ways and Means returned to the laboratory, taking Hymie with them. The guard relocked the door.

  “Max, do you really think they can brainwash Hymie?” 99 asked.

  “Why not, 99? He’s a machine. If you tell a machine it’s a KAOS agent, it believes it.”

  “But it isn’t working on Number One, Max. They haven’t been able to persuade her to give up her love and turn to hate.”

  “She must need an overhaul,” Max replied. “If she were functioning correctly, she’d believe anything she was told. I’m positive about that. That’s what makes machines inferior to humans—they believe anything they’re told. I know that because that’s what I’ve been told.”

  “Max, what are we going to do?”

  “Escape, 99. It’s our duty to break out of here, rescue Hymie and Number One, and destroy this KAOS installation.”

  “Good, Max! How?”

  “Did you bring any escape devices with you?”

  99 shook her head.

  “Then we’ll have to rely on our brains,” Max said. 99 went to the cot and slumped down, looking defeated.

  “Don’t give up so quickly, 99,” Max said. “Haven’t I thought us out of tighter spots than this?”