Fallen Angel

by Melody John

  Jamie was looking at me like I’d grown an extra head. ‘Right… um, do you need a tissue?’

  I realised that tears were running out of my eyes, but I didn’t know if they were actual tears, or tears from crying. I clutched my sides and shook my head, wheezing and choking until the only sound that came out was a strange barking noise like a hysterical seal.

  Laura patted my shoulder, and somehow that helped me pull myself together. I got a grip on my insane laughter, and slowly my giggles ceased. I straightened up and wiped my eyes.

  ‘Dude, you all right?’ Laura asked.

  I nodded. My sides actually ached, and I felt warm, even with the clawing wind. ‘Yeah. Sorry.’

  ‘You don’t have to…’ She shook her head. ‘Never mind.’

  We stood there in silence, watching as David and Dmitri cavorted in the waves. They didn’t seem to care that they were soaked through and that the water was freezing cold and we had nowhere to shower. They were laughing and wild and unconcerned, and I felt as though I were watching them from very far away, or as though they were characters in a film that was in a foreign language and didn’t have the subtitles turned on.

  Jamie snorted and said, ‘Well, yeah, this has been brilliant, but I’m freezing my balls off. You want to head back to the van?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘No,’ Laura said.

  Jamie shrugged. ‘Your loss.’ He turned and headed back up the darkened beach.

  Laura and I stood side by side on the sand. This was my chance; I should speak to her now while we were alone. But her voice when speaking to Jamie had been so cold, and I was worried that she would turn that same coldness onto me.

  She craned her head back and looked up at the stars, piercing through the dark sky, and I felt the silence grow between us like a wall. I needed to say something soon, before the wall grew too big for me to climb over. Say something. Say something now.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said.

  She didn’t look down from the stars. ‘What for?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said miserably. ‘Whatever it is that I’ve said or done that’s offended you. I didn’t mean to, but I don’t know what it is that I’ve done… but I’m sorry.’

  Laura didn’t say anything.

  I babbled on, desperately filling the silence before it could grow up again. ‘Was it about the dresses? I’m sorry, I don’t—dresses aren’t really my thing, you know—I thought you did know that—but I try, I just don’t—I didn’t mean, and…’ My voice began to shake, and I let it dribble away.

  The wall of silence began to grow again, and I felt it, every second like a new brick being laid in place.

  Then, finally, Laura sighed and said, ‘It’s not really about the dresses.’

  I waited, but when she didn’t say anything else, I asked, ‘What is it, then?’

  Laura’s voice came slowly. ‘I went to one of the union’s meetings the other day. Yesterday, in fact.’

  ‘The union?’

  ‘You know. David’s union. The LGBT society.’

  ‘Oh. You didn’t tell me.’

  ‘No.’

  Another silence.

  I said, ‘So how did it go?’

  Laura gave a little bitter laugh. ‘Pretty much as I thought it would.’

  ‘What? Why? David said they were all really nice there. What about the two people who always bring cake?’

  ‘I didn’t see them. If they were there, they didn’t introduce themselves. David wasn’t there either.’

  ‘I thought you were going to go with David. He was going to introduce you to everyone.’

  ‘Yeah… I didn’t want that. I wanted… I wanted to do it for myself. Like, this is my thing, you know? I wanted to do it myself, without someone helping me.’

  ‘Yeah. I get that… So what happened?’

  Laura laughed again. I didn’t like to hear her laugh like that. ‘Well. I spoke to a few people. They introduced themselves like “Hi, I’m Gary and I’m gay”, “Hi, I’m Matt and I’m bi”… and then when I introduced myself, they just kind of looked at me like, “What? Why?”’

  ‘Did they say that?’

  ‘Not at first. They just looked at me with this kind of polite “Oh, you don’t say, huh” expression. And then when I started to talk to them, they were like… One person said, “Oh, right, another one”. And when I asked what she meant, she said, “Well, Preesha and John are a bit of a joke, really. It’s not a real identity. They just like the idea of it.” And I was so angry with her. Like, I’d worked myself up to go there at all, to meet with these people who I’d thought—out of everyone, you know—I’d thought that they would understand. But they didn’t. I mean, I met one person there who said that I must meet Preesha and John, they’d love to talk to me. But he was the only nice person I met there at all.’

  ‘But David said… he said they were nice.’

  ‘Well. Everyone likes David, don’t they?’

  I looked at her quickly, but she wasn’t looking at me. She was looking out at the sea, away from the boys, where the black waves rolled in and broke on the sand. The white froth was orange where the lights from the street caught on the water, making it look like a kind of foaming sherbet topping on the black water.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said.

  She shook her head impatiently. ‘It’s not—that’s not what I meant.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  She took a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you, and especially not explaining, and you—I’m sorry. It was just that I was still thinking about it, and it was really upsetting me. And I thought that this trip would be like a nice way of forgetting it. And to end the term, and everything… And then you… you asked if I was into Ted. And it was like—I don’t know, normally that kind of thing wouldn’t bother me, because it’s what people think, it’s what people do… But I was still thinking about the meeting, people telling me that what I was feeling wasn’t real, and so I wasn’t real, in a way—and then you asked me if I liked Ted, as though that was the only reason I would be interested in looking nice. Like, I can’t just look nice for myself. It has to be because of someone else. And—’ Her voice, which had been slow but perfectly controlled up until now, suddenly wavered. ‘I keep on thinking. How many guys are going to be willing to take on someone like me? It’s not even like guys here at uni, because I know most of them seem only interested in hook-ups—but even out there in the real world, afterwards. People don’t understand. It’s such a foreign concept to them. They just don’t understand. They don’t—’ Her voice broke.

  I turned to her and put my arm around her. She sniffed, and rested her head on my shoulder. ‘I’m sorry,’ she mumbled. ‘I didn’t mean to get all… and I’m sorry for being bitchy about it. It was just, like, everything piling up on top of each other.’

  ‘I know,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t think. You’re right. And it’s hypocritical of me as well. If a guy had assumed that I only made an effort with my appearance because I was trying to look hot for male attention, I’d want to punch him in the teeth.’ Laura gave a strangled laugh. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it. And I’m sorry your meeting went so badly. Did you talk to David about it?’

  I felt her shake her head against my shoulder. ‘No. It would have been weird, and… David seems really into those meetings. I don’t want to spoil it for him, or make him feel bad.’

  I looked out at the sea. David and Dmitri had stopped wrestling and leaping, and now they came running out of the waves, laughing and panting. They pulled up short in front of us, and David said, out of breath and rather uncertain, ‘Hey, are you two all right?’

  I nodded. ‘Yeah. It’s okay.’

  ‘Are you sure, though? I mean, it seems like something’s been up with you two all day, and—look, I don’t want to pry or make things worse, but…’ He shrugged one shoulder, and looked at the two of us. ‘Don’t fall out.’

  Laura laughed�
��a proper laugh this time. ‘It’s all right. We haven’t fallen out. We just had to talk.’

  ‘Oh, okay.’ He smiled. ‘You’re sure? Both of you?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said.

  ‘Great.’ He patted both of our shoulders.

  ‘Oh, ew,’ Laura exclaimed. ‘You’re soaking! Both of you!’

  ‘Wow,’ Dmitri said. ‘Thanks for pointing that out, Laura, I really had no idea, actually, I was literally clueless about it.’

  ‘Shut up,’ she said, grinning. ‘God, both of you, what are you going to do? There’s nowhere to shower, and you’ve got to get back in the van all wet. Did you bring towels?’

  ‘Uh…’ David said sheepishly.

  ‘I did,’ Dmitri said. ‘And two changes of clothes. See, it pays to be prepared. Maybe next time you won’t mock my hand sanitizer either.’

  ‘Did you actually bring that?’ I asked.

  ‘Well, obviously I did,’ Dmitri said. ‘I seriously cannot overstress the importance of a good hand sanitizer.’

  We all laughed.

  We hung about on the beach for a little while longer, but the guys’ teeth had begun to chatter, and even laughing and an impromptu game of stuck in the mud couldn’t keep us warm, so eventually we all trooped back up the cold sand to the concrete and back up the steps to the van.

  Dmitri hauled open the side door, and an overpowering smell of weed rolled out into the cold air.

  ‘Oh, dude!’ Laura protested, flapping her hand about in front of her face. ‘Seriously, Ted!’

  Ted had evidently given into his beatnik urges, and the whole van stank. He and Jamie were slouched in the front seats, smoking, and the smoke was wreathing around the ceiling. ‘Oh be quiet,’ Jamie said. ‘Why are you guys all wet?’

  ‘Open a window!’ Laura insisted. ‘Come on, don’t be a dick.’

  Jamie scowled. ‘God, stop being such a prig.’

  ‘I’ll stop being a prig if you stop being an asshat.’

  ‘Guys,’ David interrupted. ‘Come on, just have the doors open. You can finish outside.’

  ‘It’s cold outside,’ Ted said lazily.

  ‘Yeah, and it stinks inside,’ Dmitri said, wrinkling his nose. ‘The smell’s going to get everywhere.’

  ‘Aw, is it going to mess up your outfit, gaylord?’ Jamie sneered.

  Dmitri stepped back as though Jamie had hit him.

  ‘Shut up,’ David said in a harsher voice than I’d ever heard him use before. ‘Get out, both of you. You’re making the smell worse.’

  Jamie rolled his eyes and opened the door. Ted followed, looking a bit guilty, mumbling, ‘Hey man, that’s not cool’ to Jamie as they got out of the van and walked a little way down the street to stand and smoke under a light.

  ‘You all right?’ David asked Dmitri in a low voice.

  Dmitri nodded. ‘Yeah. Doesn’t matter.’

  David touched Dmitri’s elbow briefly, then got inside the van and opened the other side door. I reached in and grabbed some of the pillows and quilts.

  ‘Here,’ Dmitri said, and between us we draped them over the railings.

  ‘Jamie’s a tool,’ I said.

  ‘Yeah,’ Dmitri said. ‘I know.’ He looked up and gave me a quick smile. ‘But thanks. It’s nice to know other people think that as well.’

  I smiled back, and managed to hold his gaze for a few seconds longer than usual before going back to the van and fetching more bedding.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  It took a long time to air all of the bedding, and even then, the smell of weed still hung about the van like a cartoon stink cloud. Back in college there had been a bunch of people who went to the Tesco car park at break time to smoke weed, and I’d heard a lot of horror stories about how they’d been failing all of their classes and losing their memories and stuff like that. One of them who I’d known a bit had been really into the piano, but in his second year he had realised that he was forgetting all of the stuff he knew—he’d been preparing to take his Grade 5 exam, but when the time came, he had failed quite spectacularly. That had scared off a lot of potential smokers, but there were still a devoted few who kept on going to the car park and threw shady looks at everyone walking by.

  ‘God, I don’t know why you’re all making such a fuss,’ Jamie grumbled as we settled down in the slightly less stinky van. ‘It’s not like it’s anything deadly.’

  ‘Haemorrhoids aren’t deadly,’ Laura retorted. ‘They’re still a pain in the ass.’

  ‘I’ll give you a pain in the ass,’ he said.

  ‘The only thing you’re giving me is a headache,’ she snapped. ‘So do us all a favour and shut your face.’

  I was a little taken aback by her vehemence. But Jamie did have a history of being a jerk towards her, so I guessed her attitude was understandable.

  David and Dmitri had dried themselves off, and David was now wearing one of Dmitri’s shirts and a pair of his jeans. They didn’t fit him very well—David was a beanpole, where Dmitri was shorter and had a stronger build, so the shirt was too short and too wide. He still managed to look adorable, though, and I tried not to dwell on the image of the two of them lying with each other on the backseat.

  Laura wrapped her quilt around her and leaned against the window. I poked her gently with my foot. ‘You all right?’

  She looked around and smiled at me. ‘Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.’

  ‘Good.’ I smiled at her, then looked over at the back seats. David already had his eyes closed, his head half-buried in his pillow. Dmitri was looking down at him, and there was an odd, tender expression on his face that was so unlike his usual stoicism that I was quite startled, and then felt ashamed, as though I were witnessing an intimate moment between them.

  I looked away, and snuggled down in my own quilt. ‘Goodnight,’ I said.

  ‘Goodnight,’ Laura echoed.

  ‘Goodnight, John Boy,’ David said sleepily. ‘Oh Mama, what will we be if we follow in our father’s footsteps?’

  ‘You’ll be a fine man, son,’ I said, grinning at the ceiling.

  David laughed softly.

  ‘What are you on about?’ Jamie demanded.

  ‘There was a marathon of The Waltons the other week,’ I said. ‘You didn’t see it?’ It was a rhetorical question. I couldn’t imagine Jamie watching The Waltons—he’d probably be more likely to watch My Little Pony.

  ‘Nah,’ Jamie said. ‘I didn’t.’

  ‘Such a shame,’ Laura said drily. ‘You probably could have benefited from Pa Walton’s wise words of wisdom.’

  Jamie snorted. ‘Whatever.’

  My pillow still smelled of weed. I turned on my side, and stared at the backs of the seats in front of me. They had a very faint pattern of black on grey. Houndstooth? Staring at it made my vision blur, and then my lids grew heavier and heavier. The pattern smudged, and I closed my eyes and slept.

  *

  I was dreaming. I knew I was dreaming, but as though only with half of my brain—I knew I was dreaming, but I still couldn’t wake up.

  I was standing in front of a classroom of people. I didn’t know what class it was, but I saw Dmitri sitting at one of the desks. Tariq was sitting next to him, and so was Jamie. I knew I had to do something—a presentation, a speech, something—but I couldn’t remember what it was.

  Out of desperation, I began to levitate the whiteboard behind me. I crooked my fingers into claws and twisted my wrist, and the whiteboard rattled and scraped across the floor, then rose unsteadily into the air.

  ‘No,’ Dmitri called. ‘That’s not how you do it.’

  ‘I told you girls couldn’t levitate properly,’ Tariq said to Jamie, then yelled, ‘Fake!’

  The whiteboard began to swing back and forth in the air, like a clock pendulum. The pens rolled off and onto the floor, then bounced away under the desks. The lights began to flicker, and then the desks and chairs rose up until the audience were bobbing about near the ceiling like helium balloons.

  ‘God
, this is so stupid,’ Jamie said.

  ‘Fake mutant!’ Tariq yelled. ‘Fake geek girl! Fake!’

  ‘This isn’t how you do it,’ Dmitri said. ‘This isn’t how you make mistakes. You’ve got to make judgements and snap decisions. Plaster the labels everywhere. Come on, you know how to do this.’

  ‘Fake! Fake! Fake!’

  ‘Seriously, she’s not even a five. I’d never tap anything less than a seven.’