If Only

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If Only Page 2

by Yvonne Beattie


  “No. Not really,” the ogler replies to Simon dismissively.

  “Well, can you bugger off then?” Simon retaliates aggressively, looking none to happy.

  “And why would I do that?” The ogler is squaring up to Simon.

  “Because if you don’t I’m going to make you,” Simon shoves the two beers he was holding into my hands.

  The ogler looks Simon up and down and although the guys are more or less the same build – that’s, extremely well built, he is obviously not looking for any trouble.

  “Alright, alright mate, no need to get cagey,” the ogler holds his hands up in defense.

  Simon nods his head, telling the ogler to silently ‘hop it’, and amazingly, the ogler bows down and about turns with a small smirk.

  Bex and I are still looking on like two rabbits caught in headlights when Joel appears with two glasses of wine from the bar.

  “What’s wrong with you lot?” he asks, clearly none the wiser as to what just happened.

  “Not a thing, mate,” Simon answers him and takes one of the beers back from me, downing half of it straight away.

  I turn and look at Bex who is still looking a little shell shocked and perplexed at Simon’s outburst, then over at Joel who is standing with two glasses of white wine. He hands one to Bex, then one to me, and takes the other beer from me.

  “Well, cheers guys,” Joel smiles to each of us. “Here’s to a great Christmas in the Highlands.”

  “Cheers!” We all start to relax and sip our drinks while absorbing the cheerful atmosphere in the bar.

  After a while, the bar empties out a bit and we manage to find a table to sit around. The guys started playing darts and I’m feeling buzzed and at ease for the first time all week. It’s great to be away from it all.

  “How are you doing, honey?” Bex moves her chair round beside me so we can talk more easily without raising our voices, we can also both watch the guys from this angle.

  “I’m fine, honestly,” I sip my wine and smile at her. I know she’s been worried about me.

  “You know I’m here if you want to talk, right?” She tells me, again.

  I nod and take another prolonged sip of my wine, it’s going down a bit too easily.

  “I mean, I still can’t really believe you guys have broken up. Do you think you’ll get back together?”

  She really wants to talk, and I don’t blame her, I haven’t told her anything, but I’m really not feeling quite ready to out everything.

  “Definitely not. We most definitely will not be getting back together. I know you’re just being my friend as always, Bex, but I really can’t talk about this yet. I’m sorry. I will, I promise, just give me some time, ok?”

  I smile at her reassuringly, as I know this is killing her not being privy to something in my private life, but sometimes you just need a bit of time to get your head straight.

  And, believe me, I need this time. I feel like such a fool.

  “All I will say is, our relationship was over a long time ago. I’m not sure it ever properly got started, to be honest. It just took a bit of time for us to officially end it, ok?” I wince at the words coming out of my own mouth, but that is about as much as I want to say, for the moment.

  “You’re killing me here, Rachel,” she sighs. “But I will wait, albeit impatiently, for you to talk, girl.”

  I find myself studying the bottom of my wine glass until I can think of something else to talk about. Patience is a virtue that Bex most definitely was not blessed with.

  “Oh Racheeeey,” I look up to see Simon grinning over at me. “I just bet this guy twenty quid that you could beat him at a game of pool.”

  I instantly smile, and realise the guy he is betting with is the ogler from earlier.

  “You guys made up?” I look at each of them in puzzlement now.

  “That’s old news, he apologised, I accepted, now we have a bet on,” Simon replies smugly.

  For as moody as Simon is, he is a great drunk.

  “I see,” I nod, looking between them. “Why don’t you play him yourself, Simon?” I ask, knowing he is a pretty good player.

  “I was going to, but he suggested I might need some ‘help’ as he hasn’t lost all night,” Simon smirks at me. “And who am I to turn down some ‘help’, if a stranger thinks I need it, hmm?”

  “It’s ok, you don’t have to play me. I was only joking, I thought your mate over there was a bit more sober than this guy. I haven’t lost tonight, or any other nights lately,” he adds. “I’m not talking myself up, but I wouldn’t want to embarrass him, or you.”

  Simon starts giggling like a girl.

  I nod, “Sexist. Hmm… Well, why don’t we make it fifty quid?” I ask.

  The ogler chokes, “What? Didn’t you hear me?”

  “Indeed, I did,” I answer him seriously. The game is on.

  “Alrighty then,” the ogler raises his eyebrows in denial, but slams down his money at the side of the pool table. “Let’s get started. Oh, and for the record, I’m not sexist, I just like to play fair.”

  Simon lays out his money too.

  “Heads or tails for breaking?” the ogler asks me.

  “Heads, of course,” I smirk and Bex bursts out laughing.

  “Oh, our Rachey likes a bit of head,” she blurts out amongst her drunken laughing. I’m not sure when she got drunk to be honest, she seemed fine a few minutes ago.

  Meanwhile, Joel inadvertently sprays Simon with his mouthful of beer he’d just knocked back.

  “What the…?” Joel looks incredulously over at Bex in shock.

  “Fffft…, dude…” Simon grabs a napkin from the bar and wipes his face.

  “Sorry…” Joel apologises, a little red faced, and pats Simon on the shoulder. “Bex, you’re my little sister, don’t say crude things like that, it’s weird.”

  Bex shrugs nonchalantly and carries on giggling away to herself, then adds, “Who do you think you are, dad? Mr. Prim and Proper.”

  She’s obviously had more than enough to drink for tonight.

  I stand and survey them all while I chalk my snooker cue.

  The ogler flicks a coin and it lands on tails on top of the pool table.

  “Looks like your lucky break,” I smile ever so prettily at him.

  “Sure does,” he replies, holding my stare then he cockily winks at me before going to grab his own cue.

  He wastes no time in smashing the balls with the cue ball and pots a solid and a stripe at the same time. He then proceeds to pocket four more balls but one bounces right back out of the pocket just as I think Simon may be fifty quid under without me even getting a shot.

  Thankfully, the ogler just got a little bit too cocky.

  Simon prompts me eagerly for me to take my turn, “Come on then!”

  I assess the table and make a start, I pocket three balls but am snookered, so I do a back hander and manage to easily go around his balls. I hear the ogler gasp.

  I’m down to the black.

  The ogler is standing at the side of the table in obvious sheer awe.

  “You knew she could play like a pro,” he states, not questioning.

  “Obviously,” Simon shrugs. “You’re a cocky ffff… guy,” I see him look up and over at Bex who is tapping her finger on the table watching him.

  I pocket the black and lay my cue down across the table.

  “So, who’s round is it?” I ask innocently.

  “OK, I think I’m in love,” the ogler shakes his head while some guys around the bar snigger at him.

  He walks around the pool table, ignoring the punters at the bar, and puts his hand out to shake mine. I offer him my hand and as he takes it he pulls me to him, cups his hand at the back of my head and kisses me smack on the lips.

  I automatically go rigid and try to pull away, utterly shocked, but his grip is tight, and his lips are strong yet amazingly soft. Before I know what’s going on, I find myself kissing him back.

  It must be the win
e.

  I hear people wolf whistling and cheering, eventually he pulls back, looking sated and confidently at me.

  “What on earth…?” I straighten myself and wipe the back of my hand across my mouth, looking at the ogler for some answers.

  The ogler holds my gaze for a few moments, licks his lips, downs his drink, nods at us all, and leaves.

  Just like that.

  Simon and Bex are too busy to notice as they are still high fiving each other and prancing around drunkenly. When I turn to look for Joel, I do a double take as he is standing, poised in the corner, appraising me over his pint.

  Our eyes linger for a moment before he downs the remainder of his beer, then he slides his empty glass up the bar to the barman who catches it easily. If I tried that, it would totally fall off and end up smashed all over the floor. I’m just not that cool.

  “Time to roll out,” Joel announces, pulling on his jacket, swirling his arm in the air in a circular motion, and already heading for the door.

  I decide to leave the remainder of my drink, I’ve had enough. Then I grab my jacket and bag and follow him out.

  “Joel…? Joel?” I shout after him as we get outside. I stop at the pub door to zip up my jacket. It must be below freezing, it feels so much colder now than it did when we arrived, and that is saying something. It is also now really windy.

  Joel doesn’t stop.

  I scrunch my eyebrows together in frustration and try again, “JOEL?”

  Finally, he stops.

  “Wait up,” I run after him with my hands in my pockets, the cold harsh wind biting at my face. “What’s up? I was shouting on you,” I ask him feeling agitated, the wind catching my breath.

  He looks at me and it seems like he is thinking about what he is going to say. Instead, he lets out a sigh.

  “Nothing. Nothing’s up. Its just time to get back,” he shrugs.

  “Shouldn’t we wait for the others?” I ask him motioning back towards the pub. I never had Joel down as someone who doesn’t look out for his friends; he’s usually the first to set someone straight. None of us knows our way around up here very well, surely it’s not asking much for us all to leave together.

  “Sure,” he shrugs again and starts scuffing his shoes on the curbside, kicking invisible stones like a little boy.

  “Joel, you’re acting weird,” I lower myself to his line of vision.

  “Rachel,” he moves away from me. “It’s not me that’s acting weird. Look, I’ll see you at the chalet.”

  He turns and walks away so fast I barely get a chance to say anything.

  “What’s up with my bro?” Bex stumbles giddily over to me before I get the chance to go after Joel. She links her free arm with mine and holds Simon’s hand firmly with her other one.

  “I have got no idea,” I answer her and now it’s my turn to shrug nonchalantly.

  Except, it’s not nonchalantly. I know Joel saw the ogler kiss me, and I’m pretty sure he was ok with everything before that. That kiss meant nothing, I mean I’ve never been kissed by a stranger before, especially like that. I’m not actually sure that I’ve ever been kissed, like that, before. And it certainly wasn’t instigated by me, I don’t even know the guy’s name.

  “It’s ffffruit-ing freezing out here, girls,” Simon stops to zip his orange ski jacket all the way up and is now the spitting image of Kenny from South Park.

  I can’t help a snort from escaping me.

  I look over at Bex and can see her breath escaping into the atmosphere silently as her eyes start watering while she tries not to make a noise laughing at him.

  Simon is pretty drunk and is already hunkering down against the wind blowing against us. After watching him stumble a few steps we quickly catch him up and grab an arm each.

  As we make it back to the chalet, Joel has already taken precedence on the sofa and is snoring deeply. It seemed to take us ages to get back. Simon and Bex made a beeline for their bedroom as soon as the front door was opened. I take a moment pondering Joel and contemplate his behaviour when we left the pub, but decide to forget it and put it down to the drink.

  I know I over analyse things constantly. Tomorrow will be new day. A fresh start.

  Chapter 3

  “Come on then, where is today’s lovely rendition of ‘Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer’?” Simon looks expectantly at me.

  “I thought you’d had enough of my singing yesterday?” I look at him smugly over the kitchen counter as he shovels scrambled eggs into his mouth like he’s never seen food before. Why he isn’t the size of a mini-bus defeats me.

  “Well, I had, but seeing as we’re going to see reindeer’s today, I thought it would be compulsory, and I know you’re already singing it in your head,” he chomps away with I’m sure less manners than a wild reindeer would have.

  “It’s reindeer. Not reindeer’s,” I correct him.

  “Meh, pedantics,” he scoffs and slurps his coffee loudly.

  I turn to refill my cup from the percolator and when I turn back I see Joel walk across the living room with a white towel wrapped around his waist and he is using a hand towel to dry his hair. As he grabs his toiletry bag, he turns to look over at the kitchen and our eyes meet. I seriously can’t help it, but I find my eyes drifting south of his face and am more than a little pleasantly surprised by his broad shoulders, sculpted chest and very low hung towel sitting snugly around his trim waist. Who knew all that was hiding beneath his stylish clothes.

  Simon makes a fake ‘cough cough’ noise and I jolt my eyes away from Joel and over to him. I’m immediately embarrassed but find my neck craning back in Joel’s direction as he walks silently back to the bathroom.

  “You alright over there, little Rachey Rach?” Simon chides me.

  I clear my throat and blow on my hot coffee refusing to meet his line of vision, “Just fine, thank you, Simon.”

  “Hmmmm, hmm,” he replies in a very high and even more annoying pitch.

  I don’t know what he thinks he’s getting at, but he can stop it right there.

  “I’m going to get changed,” I take my coffee with me and head for my bedroom.

  I quickly make my bed, grab some underwear, jeans, a tank top and a cosy jumper and go into the en-suite bathroom for a quick shower. I feel rattled and wish last night and now this morning had never happened. It’s not like anything has happened, but it’s just weird. It’s so unlike Joel to create an atmosphere, and I know I’m not imagining it.

  An hour later, we are all piled back into Joel’s car and are heading over to visit the Cairngorm Reindeer Paddock. We had pre-planned on going skiing, but there is still very little snow even high up on the hills and the slopes remain closed for now, so we are playing tourist instead.

  “How did you guys sleep?” Bex yawns while asking everyone.

  Why is yawning so contagious? I feel myself start to yawn just as I hear Joel start yawning beside me. All we need is Simon to join in and we’ll have ourselves our very own barbershop quartet.

  “Like a log,” Simon says cheerfully.

  I roll my eyes as he and Bex kept me up half the night. I need to invest in a pair of earplugs. Quick smart.

  Joel rubs the back of his neck and I feel terrible he had to sleep on the couch. I have nothing to moan about.

  “Not bad,” he says, as he indicates to turn left.

  “Yeah, not bad,” I answer too. “It was a fun night,” I digress.

  “It really was, wasn’t it?” Bex asks no one in particular, and suddenly seems to be very animated.

  “That guys face was a picture,” Simon laughs. “He must’ve realised I put you forward for a reason. What a dick!”

  I smile, “Hmm. He was probably too drunk.”

  “He was drinking ginger beer,” Simon exclaims.

  “What?” I turn to look at him sitting in the back of the car. “No way… Really?”

  “Honestly! I kid you not,” he laughs.

  “But, I just thought he was super drunk
when he kissed me like that,” I am shocked anyone could have the gumption do that sober.

  “That’s right, he did plant one on you, didn’t he,” Simon is exaggerating and beaming like this is major gossip.

  “Yeah, I didn’t get much say in the matter,” I shake my head feigning disgust.

  “Well you looked like you were fair enjoying it at the time,” Joel pipes up without looking at me.

  All three of us turn in unison to look in Joel’s direction and hold on for dear life as he speeds up and aggressively overtakes three cars at the same time, on the single-track road.

  “Uh, bro, last time I checked we weren’t in a hurry,” Bex leans back into her seat and grips Simon’s hand tightly.

  I’ve already turned back in my seat and am looking over at Joel unsure what to say. Eventually he glimpses over at me, and he gives me a small but expectant smile. It never occurred to me before, but I wonder if he likes me. In that way. It certainly seems like it. As I think about it, I’m truly not sure how I feel about that. Bex and I have been friends since we were in nursery, so I’ve known Joel for over twenty years. There has never been anything at all between us, and I’ve never even contemplated it before. I’ve never known him to have a long-term girlfriend before, or actually, come to think of it, any girlfriend, ever. He is the sort of person that keeps himself to himself. He went away to study architecture at university in Edinburgh, and only recently moved back to Aberdeen with his work. He’s always just been Bex’s big brother and we’ve always had a laugh. Nothing more, nothing less.

  “Are you going to sit there all day, Missy? Or are you joining us today?” Bex has opened my car door and is looking down at me with her hand on her hip.

  I look ahead and see the guys already walking up the steps to the visitor centre.

  “Sorry, guess I am just a little caught up within myself,” I undo my seatbelt and climb heavy limbed out of the car. I really am exhausted.

  “You don’t say,” Bex mumbles, and I follow her up the stairs.

  Geez, what got into her today?

  We climb up the stairs and into the visitor centre to find the guys chatting to someone behind the counter, and as we move closer, I realise it is the ogler from last night.

 

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