If Only

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If Only Page 3

by Yvonne Beattie


  What are the odds?

  He clocks me as I come into sight from behind some reindeer hide piled high for sale. I can’t help but run my hand over the smooth fur and feel a pang of guilt for thinking how beautiful it is.

  “Well, top of the mornin’ to ye,” the ogler tilts his head toward Bex and I in greeting.

  “Umm, hi…” Bex and I glimpse at each other then back at him again.

  It’s like déjà vu.

  “You work here?” Bex asks him.

  I have no idea why she emphasized ‘work’, we don’t know the guy from Adam. Well, other than he can play pool and he’s a pretty good kisser. I feel my cheeks flush as I think about him kissing me again last night. He’s slightly better than ‘good’ at kissing, and I can’t help my cheekbones from rising into a shy smile.

  “Technically no, I help out sometimes. Today, is a sometimes day,” he smiles at her.

  “Oh, right,” Bex smiles awkwardly back at him.

  “So, four visitor passes then?” The ogler types something into the computer behind the sales desk.

  “Yes, sir,” Simon pulls out his wallet. “Is Rudolph in attendance today?”

  The ogler smirks but doesn’t miss a beat, “I think you just missed him, I’m pretty sure Prancer is back there though.”

  “Super duper,” Simon hands over some money while I pick up some tourist leaflets for some ideas on what else we could do.

  Joel hasn’t uttered a word and it’s making me feel slightly uncomfortable. I wish to high hell I knew what was eating him.

  The reindeer paddock is super cute. It’d be great for kids, but seeing as we only had the guys with us it was fun to do the little quiz they have set up. Simon was incredibly knowledgeable in all things reindeer; it would appear there is no end to his frivolous talents. The local schools haven’t broken up for the holidays yet so we were the only ones there, which is probably just as well. We got to watch the reindeer grazing, we warmed ourselves in a wigwam with some hot chocolate, we coloured in some colouring-in pictures and entered ourselves into the kid’s competition, and now we are heading back into town. It really is a stunning place I think to myself as I watch the now bare trees and their beautiful limbs stretching elegantly out high above us like long crooked witches fingers, the winter sun glinting in between them like enchanted spells waiting to be cast.

  “I want to have a look for some new salopettes,” Bex announces, breaking the cars silence. “Do you think we could have a look around the shops in town?”

  “I need to get some gloves too, why don’t we split up for a bit?” Simon asks Joel and I.

  I really don’t feel like traipsing around the tourist shops today, I just want to put my feet up.

  “Yeah, sure, suits me,” I look at Joel, who has still said very little the entire morning.

  Joel clears his throat, “That’s fine guys, I’d quite like to get my sketch pad out and chill for a while.”

  We drop Bex and Simon in town, and Joel and I head back to the chalet. I’d quite like to relax and read my book, so it suits me if Joel wants to draw.

  “Is everything ok?” I ask Joel slowly and carefully as I watch tourists wondering around the streets as we drive by like we’re on a mission, rather than on holiday.

  “Sure,” he replies.

  “It’s just… you seem distant, ever since last night? And you’ve said very little this morning…” I cross and uncross my ankles. I have no idea why I am feeling so nervous, but I am.

  “I’m sorry. I’ve just got a lot on my mind right now,” he gives me the flash of an apologetic half smile which lasts approximately a fraction of a second, before he pulls up to the chalet and his face is wiped smile free again.

  “Right, sorry. I was worried I’d maybe upset you, or something,” I look at his side profile as he reverse parks this time.

  “No, no, Rachel. Of course you haven’t upset me. Just a lot on my mind. Some downtime is what I need,” he says and climbs out of the car ending the conversation before it even got started.

  Right.

  Downtime it is.

  Chapter 4

  I wake up feeling groggy with my paperback now soggy and stuck unflatteringly to the side of my face.

  Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve fallen asleep in the middle of the day, but boy have I being needing it.

  The last couple of months have been crazy busy for me with organising and preparing all my students for their music exams. I love being a piano teacher and I love more than anything the flexibility that comes with working around my students at school, but exam time is truly exhausting. For weeks I’ve had scales and arpeggios playing in my head over and over again. The same nine pieces of music from the three grades I put forward this term, I could literally play each piece backwards perfectly. The religious tick tock of the metronome, and the continual reminding of crescendo, diminuendo, staccato, sombre in the various pieces. That’s not even bringing the school Christmas concert into the equation. I gave up my lunch hour for the last two months to help out with that. It was great fun, but so much more work than I think any of the kid’s parents would believe. I need this break more than anything to recuperate and majorly catch up on some shut-eye.

  I stretch my arms up and arch my back while making tight fists and yawning. I stretch my legs out in turn and swing them lazily off the bed. My bedroom is only slightly lit now as dusk falls so early in the afternoon in winter here. The shortest day of the year, in terms of light in the northern hemisphere, is only a couple of days away and I cannot wait for the days to start stretching again. The days just seem so short at the moment, which actually isn’t always a bad thing really as it doesn’t make you feel guilty for wasting the day when you don’t want to do anything. Every cloud has a silver lining.

  I make my way through to the kitchen, there isn’t a sound coming from anywhere. As I round the corner, I see Joel sitting in silence in front of the window with his ankle placed on his knee, and a sketchpad resting on his other knee. He looks to be deep in concentration, small feather-like strokes gracing the paper delicately with a 2B. I know this as he told me before that pencil type is what he usually uses to sketch with.

  “Hey…” I quietly announce my presence to him so as not to scare him.

  He turns only just realising I’m here, and smiles a tired smile at me.

  “Hey yourself,” he says groggily, and lays his sketchpad down, stretching himself out.

  I don’t think he’s moved since we got back. He then stands up, walks over to the kitchen and envelopes me immediately into a big tight bear hug.

  “Hey! What’s this for?” I mumble into his hard chest but wrap my arms around his waist.

  “I’m sorry,” he says, leaning down into my hair. “I’m sorry for acting like a turd.”

  “At turd?” I question him but smile to myself that he is apparently back to his usual self.

  “Yeah, I’m a shitty friend,” he doesn’t let me go or loosen his grip so I relax into his arms.

  “You’re not a shitty friend, but I’d be lying if I wasn’t a bit put out by your silence last night and again this morning,” I answer him honestly.

  He pauses and I feel him sigh.

  “What’s up, Joel? Is everything ok with you?” I struggle to push him back a bit so I can look up at him.

  As I look at him closely, I see that he really is a very handsome man, not a boy anymore. I feel like I’m looking at him for the first time, not the millionth. He’s tall with dark blonde messy hair and green eyes. He’s pale skinned and has a strong masculine jaw line with a cute little bum chin. He’s got a great body on him, which I haven’t ever wondered about until I saw him this morning and he inadvertently got my lady juices flowing. I’ve honestly never looked at him, like that, before.

  He reaches up and tucks my hair behind my ear.

  I feel unaccustomedly calm and he seems to be studying me closely. I can’t fathom what he might be thinking. Normally I’d be pulling aw
ay, done with a hug, shy even, but somehow, this feels comfortable.

  We stand and look at each other, considering each other maybe, for a moment, before the front door bangs open and Bex and Simon fall through it bringing half the fallen leaves in Aviemore with them.

  Joel and I fly apart like the electromagnetic force holding us together has suddenly dropped.

  “Oh. My. Gosh. It is wild out there,” Bex almost shouts, wringing her hands out from the freezing cold.

  Simon unzips his jacket and pulls his hat off his head, his red hair standing on end from the static.

  “I have no idea what we are doing tonight, guys, but I am definitely not going back out in that. It’s fruiting blowing a hoolie,” Simon declares while rubbing his hands together to warm them.

  “You should’ve called, one of us could have picked you up,” I say as I busy myself filling the kettle.

  Bex waves her mobile belligerently at me, “Neither one of us has a signal up here, we’d already left the wi-fi in the café in town and it seemed silly to double back.”

  She looks utterly bewildered. I mean, no signal? What is this world coming to?

  “That’s unfortunate,” I can’t help but smirk at her.

  “Alright for you, little Miss-I’m-all-cosy-in-the-chalet,” she throws back at me.

  My smirk gets bigger and as Bex moves closer to me, she slightly lifts my top and puts her freezing cold hands on my waist.

  “BEX! STOP! Oh my go-d… you’re FROZEN!” I scream and run away from her.

  “Ha, ha, haaaa,” she cackles like the wicked witch of the west. “That’s what you get for laughing at me.”

  I haul my jumper back down and glare at her, “You do know payback is a bitch, right?”

  “I’ve got your number, Rosie Rach,” she points at me with a crookedly curved finger and glares evil like eyes at me, scarily portraying the wicked witch to closely. “Mwah, ha, ha, ha. MUAH, HA, ha, ha. MUAH, HA….”

  At that point, Joel grabs her from behind and covers his hand over her mouth.

  “OK, little sis, enough. All those years in high school drama have gone to your head… but, can I please get some of whatever you’re on?” he shakes his head and a dimple pops out as he starts to smile.

  She rips his hand off of her mouth, “Oh, and you’ve cheered up a bit, Mr. Doom and Gloom.”

  “Shut up, Rebecca,” Joel grabs some mugs out of the cupboard as I finally find the hot chocolate we brought with us. “We’re all allowed an off day.”

  “Yeah, well. An afternoon without your gloomy stupor is just what I needed,” she says harshly.

  “Guys, knock it off,” Simon finally interjects. “Sheesh, you two need to grow up.”

  “These two will never grow up,” I look at Bex and survey her for a moment.

  “Well, at least we have fun,” she retaliates and gets the milk out of the fridge for me.

  “Meh,” Joel mocks Bex while she isn’t looking.

  I can’t help but smile at the pair of them, they’ve always been like this. Like an old married couple constantly bickering at one another.

  “I noticed there are a bunch of logs in the shed outside, shall we light a fire if we’re staying in tonight?” Joel asks as he blows on his hot chocolate.

  “Oh, that would be lovely,” I nod eagerly. I love a cosy fire and I don’t have a fireplace at home.

  “I agree, we’ve got some cheese and biscuits we could have with some mulled wine, if you guys like?” Bex suggests.

  “Sounds good,” I nod more eagerly.

  “Rach, you’re going to nod that head of yours off in a minute. While all this sounds wonderfully proper, and superbly grown up, where are the custard creams?” Simon asks in a prim and proper accent, while now warming his hands on his cup.

  “Oh, they’re here, in this cupboard,” I grab them from the cupboard I’m standing by. Seeing as I did most of the unpacking, I know where mostly everything is.

  “Perfect,” Simon opens them bursting the entire packet. He looks around at us watching him, “What? Don’t worry, these ain’t gona last long.”

  I sip my hot chocolate and quickly steal one before he scoffs the lot.

  Chapter 5

  “Ah, ha, ha, you ffff…” Simon catches himself and looks at Bex just in time. “You….piece of fruit,” he bellows at Joel who has just landed on a snake and slithered all the way to the bottom and back to the start of the game. Again.

  “Grrrr,” Joel theatrically bangs his head on the table.

  “Shot, shot, shot,” Simon chants.

  Joel is three shots in and at this rate will be fading fast.

  Yes, we are playing Snakes and Ladders. If you land on a snake, you not only have to go back to wherever it takes you, you’ve also got to down a shot. Bex is one shot down, I’ve been lucky so far which is good as I refuse to do a shot anyway. Simon is pretty much matching everyone shot for shot. The man is a living tank.

  As we work our way through what’s left of the mulled wine, we’ve also worked our way through most of the chalet’s board games we’ve managed to find.

  When playing Jenga, Bex just could not get the knack of pulling a brick out without knocking the entire thing over, first round. Every time. After rebuilding it around fifteen times we gave up and moved on, refraining from chucking the little bricks into the roaring fire Joel built. We tried Scrabble but Simon is a conniving cheat and can’t spell to save his life. Cluedo was fun, I loved that game when I was a kid, but it gave me naughty ideas of murdering Simon with his brand new pair of gloves he bought this afternoon, in front of the fireplace. Draughts was fun, but then we all got too competitive. And now, we are onto Snakes and Ladders, which by the looks of things is going to be our last game. Joel point blank refused to play Monopoly, and I completely backed him up.

  “I’ve had enough of this,” Bex suddenly declares.

  “What? But I’m really enjoying playing Snakes and Lad…” Simon starts moaning.

  Bex cuts him off, “I’m tired babe, I can’t be bothered watching my brother get hammered. I want to go to sleep. You stay and play if you want to.”

  She gets up, pours what is left of her wine down the sink, gives me a hug and heads off to her bedroom.

  Simon looks on disappointedly, but is pretty drunk at this point, so gulps the dregs left of his own wine and stands up.

  “OK, guys, fun night. Better go see that my little lady is ok,” he dumps his glass in the kitchen sink.

  “Night, Si,” I snuggle up in my seat to watch the remains of the fire while he saunters off to bed.

  “Yeah, night, mate,” Joel throws a blanket over to me as it’s getting cooler with the fire dying down. “Are you tired? Shall I pop another log on the fire?”

  “No, I slept most of the afternoon, but are you?” I ask him.

  “No, I’m fine, I had a cat nap before I started drawing earlier. I can’t drink any more though. You want a cup of tea?” he asks me.

  “I’d love one,” I smile and put my empty wine glass on the table.

  “Cool, maybe there’s a movie or something on?” he suggests.

  There’s not much on the television, it’s after midnight and there aren’t many channels available in the chalet. We eventually settle on an old black and white movie and chatter about everything and nothing in particular, not really paying much attention to the movie. Neither one of us mentions the awkwardness of yesterday and this morning, or the hug from earlier. Our silences are comfortable and thoughtful. It’s nice.

  “Rach, can I ask you something?” he turns the television sound down a bit.

  “Of course, what’s up?” I adjust myself so I can see him better.

  “Were you happy with your ex?” he asks and it is unexpected. I’d rather stay with the silence.

  “Oh… Well…” I stall for a moment to think about how to respond to him.

  “If you don’t want to talk about it, don’t worry,” he looks worried, maybe that he’s upset me.
<
br />   “Umm, no. It’s fine, I just didn’t expect you to ask about that just now,” I grimace slightly.

  He looks at me, waiting for me to continue.

  “You know, in the beginning, I did really like Malcolm. I wouldn’t say I was smitten with him, but he was charming, he was good company, he made me laugh and… it was just easy, I suppose. Companionship, you know?”

  “Hmm…” he ponders over my answer.

  “Why?” I ask him with a slight frown.

  “No reason,” he clears his throat and adjusts his legs on his chair. “Are you over him?”

  “Yes,” I answer him immediately, maybe too quickly.

  “How can you be so sure?” he asks.

  “I just am,” I shrug.

  I can’t really be bothered talking about this right now.

  “But it’s so quick?” he really isn’t taking the hint.

  “Well, not really,” I avert my gaze, willing some other topic of conversation to creep into my mind.

  “Well, it only ended like a week ago, right?”

  “Umm…” I squirm in my seat.

  “Rach, why won’t you speak about it?” he leans forward and looks over at me, prompting me.

  “I… I, umm… I’m tired. I think I’ll head to bed,” I busy myself folding up the blanket.

  “Ok… Point taken,” he looks slightly crestfallen. “Rach, you know I’m here if you want to talk, right?”

  At that, I do involuntarily meet his gaze.

  “I do,” I sigh. “I’m sorry. It’s just… It’s difficult. Awkward maybe. It’s no biggie, I just need to gather my thoughts, my feelings, you know?”

  “I do,” he nods and gives me a slight smile. “I do get that.”

  “Thanks,” I give him a small smile back and he nods in acknowledgment.

  “Maybe you need to wash that book print off your face, by the way,” his smile widens.

  My hand flies to my face.

  “What?” I ask, confused.

  “The book print that’s been on your face all evening? You didn’t know?” he sniggers.

  “Of course I didn’t know, you punk!” I wipe at my face and then run through to the bathroom to look in the mirror.

 

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