If Only

by Yvonne Beattie

  “What? Wait. What do you mean? He moved in with you. You were together for a year! How could you not have done the dirty deed?” he’s now looking at me completely in shock.

  “Well, I know, that was my problem. Joel, I tried everything. I basically threw myself at him, loads of times. God, it was so awkward now that I think about it. I dressed nicely for him, I bought sexy undies, I even tried role-play, and that went down like a lead balloon,” I involuntarily shudder at the awful memory of it. “I even visited that new erotica store in town and got some toys,” I can’t believe I’m actually telling him all this out loud, but I trundle on. “But he just wasn’t interested. I never once asked him to move in with me, he lost his flat when his flat mate moved out and he couldn’t afford the rent on his own. Before I knew it, he was living with me. Every time he knocked me back, so to speak, he’d have a great excuse, he was tired, he had a sore back, he had an early start, he had a cold, you name it, and I bought it every time, accepting cuddles instead. Disappointedly, of course, but what could I do? I felt stupid begging for affection, for goddamned sex, so I figured it would eventually come,” I stop as Joel jumps in.

  “Or you would eventually come?” he laughs at himself and I start laughing too otherwise I might just cry again and I am not going there three times in a row.

  “Hilarious Joel, very funny,” I smirk at him. “Anyway, just before this trip I’d had enough of him taking a loan of me, living in my house and treating me like a mate, and what not. And I packed his things and told him to go. I still don’t really understand what his deal is, but more to the point, I don’t care anymore. I’m so over it.”

  “Wow, that is so weird, Bex. I only met him that once at my folk’s barbeque in the springtime. I thought he was alright, but I did give him a nickname, Talcum Malcolm,” he sniggers.

  “What? Why on earth would you call him that?” I scoff but actually feel slightly protective and bad for Malcolm.

  “I dunno,” he shrugs, “I thought he was a bit flakey to be honest. Flakey doesn’t rhyme with Malcolm though. Talcum does.”

  I can’t help but giggle, the expression on Joel’s face is priceless, those dimples are cuter than ever.

  “Like you said the other day, you’re a turd, Joel,” I nudge his foot with mine under the table and he grabs my knee and squeezes it until I squirm for him to let go, it’s so tickly.

  “Some things never change, eh?” he smiles and finishes the dregs of his now cold coffee and makes a disgusted face.

  “They certainly don’t,” I smile.

  “Well, I can’t believe you put up with him for as long as you did. I wish I could help you in understanding his issue, it’s really strange, and rude to be honest. I mean, the least he could do is shag you,” he has a knack of making things crude, yet lighthearted and I’m glad.

  “I know, I mean, I’m not perfect but I know I don’t look like the Gruffalo,” I make light of my situation but shift uncomfortable in my booth.

  “You are far from it, Rachey. Honestly, if I was straight, you’d be mine,” he gives me a genuine smile and I smile back.

  “Aww, thanks Joel. I think that’s a compliment of sorts.”

  He laughs out loud, “That came out wrong, didn’t it? You know what I mean! You’re a catch, any idiot can see that.”

  Chapter 14

  “What should we do with the rest of our day then?” Joel sits back in his side of the booth and rubs his hand on his extremely full tummy.

  “I don’t know. I can’t be bothered moving to be honest with you, it’s so nice and cosy in here.”

  “I know, me either. Shall we order another drink? Fancy a hot chocolate?” he asks as he picks the menu back up.

  “Joel, you couldn’t possibly intake any more calories,” I look at him dumbfounded.

  “I told you, I’m making up for lost time,” he waves to the waitress. “Can we order two hot chocolates, please?”

  “Actually, could I have a mocha, please? I need the caffeine today,” I ask her quickly before she walks away again.

  “Oh, and extra marshmallows with both, please,” Joel shouts after her and she waves the back of her hand in acknowledgment.

  “Well, I’m glad we got all that cleared up,” Joel has visibly relaxed. “What’s the score with you and the ogler?”

  “Hmm, who knows? I think you pretty much scuppered my chances there,” I can’t help but feel slightly agitated with Joel again. It really was all going so well.

  “Right, I’m really sorry about that again,” he apologises and I can tell he does actually mean it. “I’ll apologise to him too. It’s Marty, right?”

  “Yup. He was seriously pissed, but he carried you home on his shoulder because I shouted at him,” I guffaw.

  “Oh shit, he did? Fuck, I was totally out of it,” he rubs his hands over his face.

  “Yes, you were. You were more shit-faced than I’ve ever seen you in my life, to be honest.”

  “I am so sorry, really sorry actually,” he rubs his good eye. The swelling is down on the other one but it is slightly bruised by his nose. You wouldn’t really be able to tell though.

  “I can’t believe you’re actually up and able to keep food down this morning. I thought you’d be a complete write-off for the whole day,” I admit in amazement.

  “Nah, I never get bad hangovers. Guess I’m lucky,” he shrugs. “That BLT sorted me out good and proper.”

  I turn as I hear the café door ding and a slight commotion at the door. I see an older lady shaking out her umbrella and thrust it into the holder that’s standing by the door, as she turns around I am pleasantly surprised to see its Maggie.

  She unzips her bright yellow waterproof rain coat and hangs it up on the free standing coat stand, then she unbuttons another coat she had on underneath and hangs that up too. She then unzips a fleece and hangs that on top of her other two layers, and is left with a pretty bright pink cashmere jumper and pearls that perfectly match her immaculately curled and styled short white hair.

  “Hold on, it’s Maggie, I’m going to say hello,” I quickly tell Joel and get up.

  “You know her?” I hear him ask but I’m already en-route heading over to her.

  “Maggie?” I greet her with a warm smile.

  She turns as she hears her name, and instantly beams at me, “Rachel! Oh, my dear! It’s so lovely to see you again. Are you here with Marty?”

  “Uh, no… Bit of a story there actually, I’m here with my friend, Joel,” I smile and motion over to our table.

  She takes my hands in hers and then gives me a hearty hug.

  “A story? I hope he hasn’t ditched you already?” she looks over the rim of her spectacles at me, crinkling her forehead in the process.

  “Umm, no, just a misunderstanding… I think. I hope. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Would you like to join us? Are you here by yourself?” I ask.

  “Oh, that’s very sweet of you, my dear. But no, thank you. I’ve got a date,” she nudges me with her elbow.

  “A date?” I wish I hadn’t sounded so surprised.

  “Why, yes! And don’t you sound so surprised. Just because I’m old, we still have needs, my dear,” she winks at me.

  “Uh, right… of course,” my cup has just runneth over with far too many mental images.

  “So, off you pop back to your friend, dear. I wouldn’t want Bill to think I’ve taken groupies with me,” she starts toward a vacant table by the window.

  “Oh, sure,” I watch her as she walks away, feeling pretty much dismissed. Then she turns around. “Why don’t we meet up this evening? Just us girls?”

  I exhale with relief and smile at her, “I would love that, Maggie. Where shall we meet?”

  She digs in her bag for something and pulls out an I-phone. I feel my eyebrows rise slightly. It’s Maggie, obviously, she has an I-phone.

  “Put that expression away, dear. Gosh, you’d think I was prehistoric the way you look at me sometimes,” she shakes her head as she
types expertly into her phone. “Here, pop your number in. I’ll send you a WhatsApp with my address and you can come over for some dinner.”

  She uses WhatsApp.

  I do as I’m told and hand her phone back to her, and with that I hear the door ding again and see an older gentleman come in. As he turns around I recognise him from the café the other day, he watched as I picked Bex’s stuff up off the floor when she emptied out her bag.

  “Is that your date?” I whisper to her and her eyes dart to the door.

  “Ooh la la, I hope so! We arranged it through Tinder and you never know who, or what, might turn up. He’s a hunk! Off you pop before he sees you,” she winks at me.

  I stifle a laugh, at this point, I don’t think she could surprise me again, “Okay dokey, I’ll see you later on then for all the gossip. Good luck,” and I sleek off back to our booth which is actually only about three steps away from their table.

  “How do you know her?” Joel asks me quietly.

  “Shhh, just be quiet for a minute,” I whisper to him and indicate for him to watch and listen.

  The café has emptied out some and there is now just the constant low hum of chatter.

  We watch as the man makes his way over to Maggie’s table, “You must be the young lady I’ve been waiting for my whole life?” he asks her royally, and somehow gets away with it not seeming clichéd.

  I watch from the corner of my eye as her smile instantly charms him as equally as he has just charmed her, and she stands to greet him.

  “I just may be,” she answers him confidently matching his brogue. “Bill, is it?”

  “It sure is, poppet,” he takes her hand and kisses the back of it, and I can’t believe my eyes when I see her blush.

  Tough as old boots, Maggie, actually just blushed.

  I think my heart just skipped a beat, it’s the most romantic thing I think I’ve ever witnessed; and they don’t even know each other yet.

  I sigh inwardly and turn back to face Joel. I can’t help but smile wider as I see him sitting glued to their little show of affection, his chin resting on his hands with a goofy grin on his face.

  “That was so romantic, wasn’t it?” I breathily observe to him.

  “Oh yeah, we need to stay here for this,” he answers me but doesn’t take his eyes off of them.

  “OK, you’re being creepy now, leave them alone.”

  “Shut up, I’m watching true love evolve here,” he snaps out of it and with that, the waitress returns again with our hot drinks.

  We make small talk for the next hour or so and watch as people come and go. It’s exceptionally nice not to be rushing anywhere and to have the opportunity to take our time and while the day away uneventfully. In a way, I’m very grateful for the lack of snow as it’s really helped me to unwind.

  “Have you heard from either Bex or Simon today,” Joel plucks out of thin air.

  “Oh, no actually. I haven’t,” I hadn’t even given them a second thought to be honest and I feel momentarily guilty.

  “Hmm, that’s strange, me either. I’ll try calling them,” Joel says as he pulls his phone out. “Oh wait, speak of the devil, here is a message from Bex. They’re at the chalet and are asking where we are.”

  “Where we are? That’s rich,” they abandoned us, not the other way around. I roll my eyes dismissively.

  “I know. I’ll tell her we’ll be home within the hour, no need to rush, you know, and miss the rest of this,” he slightly nudges his head towards Maggie and Bill.

  We eventually decide to leave them to it and both begin pulling on our jackets to start heading home when Maggie shouts on us.

  “Rachel, dear? Come over here for a minute. I want to introduce you to my new friend, Bill,” she beams at him and I put my hand out for him to shake it.

  “Pleasure,” Bill says and kisses the back of my hand, the way he did to Maggie. I smile and find I’m blushing too. He has quite the knack there.

  I giggle, completely charmed, “It’s nice to meet you!”

  “The pleasure is all mine, Rachel. Maggie here is just delightful,” he affectionately smiles at her and she looks besotted already.

  “I guess your date is going well then?” I ask, but the answer is obvious.

  “Oh, yes,” they both reply together and then smile at each other.

  “And the good thing is, at our age, we don’t need to get our parents approval,” Maggie jokes making us all laugh.

  “This is my friend, Joel,” I introduce him as he comes over all suited up and ready to go.

  “Hi,” he waves at them both.

  “Nice to meet you, lad,” Maggie nods at him.

  “Right, we’ll be off then. Enjoy the rest of your afternoon and I’ll see you tonight, Maggie,” I smile at them both and feel incredibly giddy as the feeling of love is in the air. It would be such a lovely Christmas present for them both to find love again, especially at their age.

  “OK, dear, I’ll WhatsApp you in a little while,” she waves and turns straight back to Bill, immediately back into their conversation, picking right back up wherever they left off.

  Chapter 15

  “And where have you guys been, then?” I ask as I walk into the chalet to find Bex and Simon with their feet up watching a movie.

  “Hello, to you too,” Bex replies, while turning awkwardly to look over the back of the sofa at us. “Well, we thought we’d give you two some alone time together and went to Inverness for the night. We got a nice little B&B. It was Si’s idea actually, hope you guys didn’t mind. It was quite romantic.” She smiles confidently at Simon and squeezes his shoulder expectantly.

  “We didn’t exactly get the chance to mind, did we?” I mutter.

  “We thought you might finally get it on,” she grins at me and a scoff escapes me by accident.

  I look over at Joel who is looking rather smug but is slightly shaking his head telling me not to say anything to them yet. I don’t understand why he isn’t telling them, but it’s his life and who am I to tell him what to do. I’m just exceptionally relived he has finally confided in me.

  “I think Joel and I are old enough and bold enough to make our own decisions, Rebecca. And, to add to the mix, I think you’ll find I’ve been rather busy in that department and actually had a date yesterday. Not with Joel,” I add, feeling rather happy with myself considering their intended meddling.

  “Oh?” She sounds extremely put out by this news, and I remind myself that it is really a massive compliment that she is trying so hard to set me up with her brother, of all people. “That might explain why there was a note left to you from Marty then.”

  “What? Where?” I instantly feel my heckles rising.

  I missed him, and I’m extremely surprised to find just how disappointed I feel, although at the same time, I’m surprised and excited that he came by at all.

  “Over there, by the kettle,” Simon points. “Not that we were being nosey or anything, but what is he apologising for? Sorry, it wasn’t in an envelope or anything he had just taped it to the front door. Smart really, nothing like telling a burglar there is no one home.”

  I ignore his dig and grab the note reading it quickly and silently to myself.

  Rachel,

  I called round at noon to apologise for last night. Please forgive me and let us carry on from where we left off?

  Call me.

  Marty x

  Dammit. I re-read it and see he left his number on the back of the note.

  I feel the excited smile crossing my face and Joel coming up from behind me putting his arm around my shoulders and giving me a squeeze.

  “You can’t hold a grudge forever, honey,” he says quietly so that only I can hear him, and then he kisses the side of my temple.

  I smile excitedly up at him, “He’s already forgiven.”

  He smiles back knowingly and moves aside to let me go and fetch my mobile.

  “Hey guys, has anyone seen that book I was reading? It’s got a bright
purple cover?” I ask everyone collectively.

  A cacophony of “No,” “No,” and “Yes.”

  “Sweet, where?” I ask Simon and he tosses it over to me as my reflexes kick in to catch it. “Thanks. I think Maggie might like it, I’m going to take it over to her.”

  “I read it this afternoon by the way, Rach,” Bex shouts after me. “Thanks for offering it to me,” she adds accusingly and I feel a slight pang of guilt that I didn’t offer it to her, but she read it anyway.

  “Whatever, you read it anyway. Did you like it?” I ask her over my shoulder.

  “I did. Not my usual thriller, but it was cutesy,” she remarks. “I may be a convert, almost.”

  I grin at her, she couldn’t possibly have disliked it. It’s the newest book out by my favourite ever author, P. Mack. She has lots of books published and I think I’ve read nearly every single one of them, they’re fantastic. Romantic, enticing, mysterious, I am pretty sure they will be right up Maggie’s street, if she likes to read. I treated myself to it at the supermarket when we stocked up on our way up here.

  Joel grabs his jacket, “Rach, I’ll take you over to Maggie’s,” he says.

  “Oh, thanks, but no need. She actually just lives a five minute walk from here, how great is that?” I happily decline his offer.

  “Ah, well it’s really dark, I’ll walk you over there instead,” he carries on zipping up his jacket. “And then when you’re leaving you can call me and I’ll nip back for you.”

  “There’s really no need, but if you’re sure, that would be very nice, thank you for looking after me,” I can’t help but smile at having my old friend back to normal. My big brother from another mother.

  “You ready?” he asks.

  “Yup, just let me grab my bag,” I quickly run through to my bedroom, stuff the book into my bag and grab a packet of local boiled sweets I bought the other day that are unopened. It’s not much, but I hate to turn up empty handed.

  We walk round to Maggie’s in the dimly lit streets and as we get to about the half way mark, our faces both light up as the first snowflakes begin to gracefully fall and dance around us.