If Only

by Yvonne Beattie

  I can’t help but steal a quick glance at Joel to see that he is ok, I’m still not sure whether he has spoken to his dad yet or not, but I’m pretty sure I’d have heard if he had. Up until we arrived yesterday afternoon, neither of them had gotten in touch with the other, which in my book is absolutely ridiculous. I went to visit his parents and tried to talk to them about Joel, but I was getting nowhere fast, and I now completely understand why he hasn’t tried again. I know that he is absolutely dreading today.

  I note that Joel’s expression has turned serious, stern almost, and he is gripping his hands tightly behind his back. His arms look rigid. His mum doesn’t appear to know whether to look happy, excited, or terrified. She appears to be a mixture of all of the above.

  As Bex and her dad reach the alter, they halt and her dad lifts her veil up and over her head to give her a kiss on the cheek. She almost squeals with excitement, but manages to keep her composure. Her dad then shakes Simon’s hand firmly. But, before he goes to sit down, he pauses for a moment, turns to Joel who looks like he is ready to run for the hills, and takes the couple of steps over to him and pulls him roughly into a hug. I notice Joel falter for a second, unsure of what to think or do, but he quickly wraps his arms around his dad and just when I think the pair of them are going to lose it, they pull apart. Before sitting down beside his wife, his dad grabs his arm and looks at him reassuringly, eye to eye, and Joel nods. One curt nod, one mutual agreement, one proud father. They didn’t have to physically say anything for all of that to be said. I see the tears gathering in both Joel and his dad’s eyes, and them both trying to quickly blink them away.

  I take a shaky breath and turn as someone pats my arm, when I look down I see it’s Simon’s mum leaning forward and handing me a tissue. I hadn’t even realised I was crying. I take it gratefully, completely overcome with emotion, and then the humanist takes over as she starts the ceremony.

  So many emotions are running riot, and I wonder if the congregation are aware of what just went down. I look slowly over the crowded room as the humanist makes her introduction, and a few people seem to be talking very quietly and shrugging their shoulders, so I think it is safe to say, that not everyone knows.

  Simon and Bex are already holding hands excitedly, looking besotted with each other. They were, more rightfully, wrapped up in themselves than aware of what was going on with Joel. To my knowledge, they are both completely oblivious to what has been going on, and I take my hat off to Joel for baring the weight of his burden by himself. It can’t have been easy for their parents either.

  “Come on, dance with me,” my mum hauls me up to dance with her giving me no choice. “It’s the Ragga-muffin man, ‘I’m only human after all…’ She starts belting out at the top of her lungs.

  I can’t help but laugh at her, she loves a party does my mum, “That’ll be The Rag’n’Bone Man, mum.” I correct her but know it’ll go in one ear and out the other.

  “That’s what I said, honey,” she says while swinging me around to the pounding rock beat.

  The wedding party is now in full swing and it has been a lot of fun. I can’t help but feel slightly disappointed that Marty doesn’t appear to be here. I had worked myself up to the fact that I would be seeing him since we are staying on the farm for the wedding, but no one has mentioned his name, and I’ve not had a spare second to myself to find Deb and actually sit down and talk to her.

  “How are you doing?” Joel slides into the bar stool next to me.

  “Great,” I smile at him over my glass of bubbly. “I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I was a bit scared about today, but it’s been a blast.”

  Joel agrees as he orders himself a beer, “I concur.”

  “Have you seen Marty at all?” I ask him in my very best, ‘I don’t give a shit’ voice.

  I notice his mouth curls up at the side slightly, “He’s away.”

  I frown and am annoyed with myself at how disappointed I am, “What do you mean?”

  “Martin Senior said he’s away working abroad in some hospital for a year, not sure where. Somewhere in Africa or Europe or America, I think,” he shrugs, not thinking too hard about it.

  “So he could be anywhere at all?” I look annoyed at Joel.

  He turns slightly to look at me, “Basically, yeah. What does it matter?”

  “It doesn’t, I… I just wondered why he hadn’t shown face, that’s all,” I look around the bar trying to think of something else to say.

  “Please don’t tell me you still like him, Rach?” Joel is now looking at me through pitiful eyes and I can’t stand it.

  “Of course, I do not. You know I do not,” I over shrug my shoulders and nearly cripple myself.

  “Easy there, Bikram,” Joel sniggers to himself as he rights me back onto my stool after catching me.

  “Funny, is that the only thing about yoga you know?” I say under my breath.

  “Pretty much,” Joel shrugs again.

  “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the gay and loner,” Simon walks up behind us draping an arm over each of our shoulders and pulling us both into an awkward hug.

  “You know, Simon, I have no idea why we bother being friends with you,” I untangle myself from his grip.

  “Haven’t you run out of jokes yet?” Joel rolls his eyes but I can see he doesn’t care what Simon throws at him.

  “It’s because you have no choice, Rachel. You’re now bound to me forever through your love for your best friend,” he says while flagging the bar man down.

  “Don’t remind me,” I say while flattening my dress down against my leg.

  “And no, Nancy boy, they just keep a’ rollin’,” Simon grins at Joel and messes his hair.

  “Just as well I’m thick skinned, eh? You enjoying your big day then, mate?” Joel asks Simon, turning himself around to face us, and jabbing Simon on the shoulder for his dig.

  “It’s been immense, bro. Truly. You were great up there with me, definitely helped to calm my nerves. Fuck, who knew the wedding jitters could claim even me?” he laughs but catches my eye and I know he’s laughing off what was an exceptionally big deal for him, as well as anyone. I’ve seen first hand, that he’s not the hard man he continues to make himself out to be.

  “Hi guys,” Bex appears from nowhere, still looking as stunning as she did before the ceremony.

  Simon immediately wraps his arms around his beautiful bride, “Hey, wifie,” he says and leans into her neck while she cuddles back against him.

  If I wasn’t her bridesmaid, and her best friend, I might, possibly, have wanted to throw the contents of my glass all over her.

  “You all having a nice time?” she asks like a true princess.

  “Brilliant!” Joel and I answer together, so I lean over and punch him at the top of his arm, “Jinx!”

  “Hey,” he rubs the top of his arm looking wounded. “Will you ever grow up?”

  I chuckle under my breath, “I hope not.”

  “It’s been great, little Sis,” Joel says and hands Bex a glass of bubbly that the bar man must have laid out for her.

  “Ditto,” I agree and chink our glasses together. “You’re the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen.”

  “You’re just biased,” she says feigning embarrassment. “But, I do look pretty hot, don’t I?” She adds and it makes us all laugh, underneath the beautiful façade of a mannequin bride, lies our lively and cheeky, Bex.

  “How’s your foot, you still managing in heels?” I ask her as although she’s been out of her cast for a few months, it still bothers her and I know she was freaking out about wearing heels all day today.

  “Surprisingly, it’s been ok, so far,” she replies happily. I don’t think anything will get her down today.

  “Ah, Bex Cox,” Simon sighs happily.

  Bex’s face suddenly falls and she shoves him backwards at that, turning to look at him, “About that…”

  Simon looks at her in oblivious shock, “What?”

 
“Yeah, I can’t be called that, it just sounds so very wrong on every level, Si,” she says and has on her ‘don’t mess with me face’.

  Joel and I glance back at Simon like we’re at a tennis match, he looks crestfallen at the thought of her not taking his name, “But…” he tries.

  “No,” she waggles her finger at him, “You’re going to have to start calling me ‘Becca’, ok?” she tells him forcefully. “Go on, give it a go.”

  Simon looks at us like she’s just bitch slapped him, and both Joel and I are frankly, speechless.

  “Becca?” he says, almost questioningly.

  “Perfect,” Bex claps her hands together. “Becca Cox just sounds a little bit less rude, don’t you think?”

  Joel has burst out laughing and I am trying to wipe the smile from my face as Simon simply nods at her, a small taste of what’s to come.

  The disco music is pumping in the background, the dance floor is full, the light summer night is heading towards an end as dusk is finally closing in like a curtain being drawn, and my best friend is now a married woman. I couldn’t feel more proud of her and Simon for doing what they do best; acting on a whim, and frankly, just being themselves, together. They are so good for each other and I’m pretty sure in sixty years from now, we’ll all be celebrating their diamond anniversary. Well, if someone hasn’t throttled Simon by then, I can’t help but smile to myself. I truly wish them the best, from the bottom of my heart. I then look at Joel and feel nothing but warmth, he’s the loveliest guy I know, and he deserves happiness. I pray he and his dad will be ok, and from what I witnessed earlier, I think they will be. I saw them having a nip of whisky after the meal, and to me, it looked like old times. His mum had her arm gripped tightly around his, and she couldn’t have looked happier if she tried. He’s a hell of a catch, whomever he chooses to be with.

  As I watch my friends, I take this moment of clarity, and decide to head back to Spain with mum and dad for the rest of the summer. I’ve got enough money saved up to do me a few months, and hopefully some time in the sun will help me decide what I should do next in this adventure called ‘life’.

  “Hey, anyone fancy a fag?” A man is walking up to our small group tapping a packet of cigarettes in his hands.

  Simon’s face instantly lights up and he quickly puts his arm around Joel when he stands up, “We already have one, but thanks,” he says and squeezes Joel’s shoulder.

  “I offered that one on a plate, didn’t I?” The man rolls his eyes but seems good-natured.

  I have no idea why Joel lets Simon away with it.

  Bex evidently has the same thought and taps Simon on the back of his head, “You can’t keep saying things like that, Simon,” she looks at him in disgust.

  “Oh, give it a rest, woman. It’s Joel, he’s my best man,” he tells her and turns back to Joel.

  Joel is not even taking any notice of us lot, he is looking at the man that has come over to us with his mouth hanging open.

  “Surprise,” the man says waving his hands in the air at Joel.

  “Wha… Whe… How…?” Joel seems to be flabbergasted and can’t take his eyes off of the man.

  “Simon called me,” he says, beginning to look slightly less confident.

  “I did,” Simon nods, excitedly agreeing.

  The man loses his smile, “Is… Is it ok for me to be here?”

  Joel seems to find himself, and I see a look of sheer delight cross his face, “Oh, yeah! I… I just can’t believe it!”

  As the man stands where he is, Joel bounds over to him and we all watch while they do the man hugging thing, whacking each other on the back. I don’t think I’ll ever understand that one, it’s hardly what I would describe as endearing.

  “Anyone fancy catching me up on what is going on? Who is that guy?” I ask Bex and Simon quietly.

  “Sure, that’s Rob, Joel’s boyfriend,” Simon answers.

  “I thought they were on a break?” I look at him, puzzled. Joel had told me last week that he was talking to Rob again, but that things had been strained because of his relationship with his parents. At Christmas, he’d told me that Rob had asked him to move in with him, but he just felt that he couldn’t given how his family life was, so he pulled back a bit and they haven’t seen much of each other until recently. I know he struggled on both accounts, he loves his family and I still can’t quite grasp how they’ve all functioned this year with not talking. It’s not how I’ve ever known them to roll. He’s never introduced any of us because I think he’s just found it all very difficult. I thought it was incredibly sad that Joel had pulled back from Rob, as I knew how excited he was about him.

  “They are, were, who cares? I’ve had one very unhappy best man and I figured this is the least I could do to thank him for all the shit he’s put up with,” Simon gives me a small smile along with a nonchalant shrug.

  “We knew things weren’t great with mum and dad, we didn’t let on we knew anything though as both they and Joel have been weird about things. It’s amazing what you pick up on when most of your communication is done either on the phone or online. I used to work with Rob,” Bex adds, “Small world, eh! So I called him a while back and asked him to be patient with Joel. He told me he’d wait until eternity for him! Then right before the wedding, I knew Joel and he were still pussyfooting around each other, Simon and I talked about it, and we decided to invite him to our wedding. Simon called him and he said he would think about it.”

  “Thanks, Bex,” Joel says to his sister, and pulls Rob over to introduce us all.

  People, they never cease to amaze me.

  Chapter 34

  “I’m just delighted you’re coming over to spend some time at the villa with us,” my mum says for the trillionth time this week.

  “I know, mum. I’m very excited too,” I lie, again, trying to keep my spirits up but beginning to wonder if I can put up with her for the next few weeks. I love her inside out, but her chirpiness is getting old, fast. She also talks ten to the dozen and I may end up ripping my ears off sooner rather than later.

  “I told the girls you were coming over and they are so excited to see you! We’ve got a barbeque on Tuesday afternoon, Bridge Club and knitting on Wednesday, Book Club on Thursday, though you don’t have to come if you haven’t read the book yet, but maybe you can catch up. It’s a really good story set during the cold war. Friday…” She carries on not even noticing I’ve left the room.

  What have I done? I’d have been better off staying here. A summer of solitude sounds great right about now.

  “You alright, toots?” Dad puts his arm around me and gives me a tight squeeze. He’s called me that since I can remember, and he’s still got all the time in the world for me, like he always has.

  “Yeah,” I can’t help a small sigh from escaping me.

  “Sure?” he tries again.

  “Yip, I’m sure. I think I’m all packed and ready to go. Joel is picking us up in an hour. You all set?” I perk myself up a bit for his sake, as I know he is worrying about me. It still defeats me how parents know everything, even when you’re a grown up kid.

  “Yes, I was just messaging the guys about bowling next week. Will be great to get back into the swing of things,” he chuckles to himself and slides a book into his satchel for the flight, then turns back to his mobile.

  “You have a great time out there, ok? Promise me?” Joel says into my ear while giving me yet another hug.

  I blink back the tears and nod into his shoulder, “I’ll try.”

  “Some things just aren’t meant to be, Rach,” he says pulling back to look me in the eye. “You need to move on. It’s been seven months since Marty, you can do better, OK?”

  I nod again to appease him, but my heart disagrees. I hate how everyone seems to think they know better than I do. My head is telling me constantly to move on, but my heart is stubborn. Bex has been threatening to register me for online dating sites, but I’m too old school for that. I wouldn’t have the guts t
o turn up for a blind date.

  “I’ll be fine, Joel, honest. Maybe I have already moved on for all you know,” I give him a smug look but I can tell he doesn’t believe me in the slightest.

  “Right-o, keep in touch, beautiful, and keep smiling. You look very unapproachable with that solemn frown you seem to have adopted lately,” Joel gives me another goodbye squeeze and I tell him to say ‘hi’ to Rob for me.

  “I’ve been telling her that all week,” mum says as she grabs Joel to say thanks for the lift to the airport, and gives him a small gift to say thank you. God knows where she had that hidden.

  “Come on then, you two,” dad hollers to us, and waves at Joel, wanting to get going. This is our second round of goodbyes, and given the way I am feeling today, there may be a third.

  “I’ll drop you a message when we land,” I smile tentatively at Joel and give him a wistful wave goodbye, wishing so hard that I wasn’t going anywhere right now. That epiphany I had at the wedding was drink induced and I am now swearing myself off of champagne for the foreseeable future.

  I follow mum and dad slowly down the airport hall towards the security check-in at the departures lounge. The airport is relatively busy, but there is room to roam and look in the shop windows, to dither aimlessly, and to stop and chat without obstructing anyone. I can’t help but stop as I see a painting that looks a lot like the one that was hanging in Maggie’s house. Its bright and colourful, the silhouettes of a couple in love, the colours vibrant and lively which is exactly what I imagined Maggie and her husband must have been like, a beautiful piece of heart warming modern art. I know within myself that it’s a funny coincidence, but I take a moment to let the happy memories flood my head. To reminisce about how I felt the first time I saw that painting in Maggie’s wonderful home.

  I start to walk again as I hear mum and dad shouting on me to hurry and catch them up, but as I cross the airport hall, I see a sculpture that looks vaguely familiar too. I stop and glance back at the painting hanging innocently on the wall, then back at the innocuous body sculpture with an odd feeling. Although it is funny when things get to you, or catch up with you, this has given me an injection of reality and I should totally be moving onwards and upwards with my life. Maggie would never have moped around like I have, especially for as long as I have. I’m glad that she’s still lurking in the back of my mind, whittling her way through like she did so often for the short time I was privileged enough to know her.