She giggled before grabbing my wrist and closing her lips over the tines. After chewing and swallowing, she said, “We can’t. You have to go to work, and so do I.”
“Hey, I own part of the company. That means I can take the day off if I want to.” I kissed her neck, hoping to convince her to play hooky with me.
“Yeah, but I don’t have that luxury,” she said, sliding a strawberry through the fresh cream she’d ordered from the room service menu. “If I don’t work, I don’t get paid, which means I don’t eat.”
I hated to hear her say shit like that. Didn’t she know I wanted nothing more than to take care of her? “You, my beauty, can eat the finest caviar whenever you want. Just say the word.”
She curled her arm around my neck, looking into my eyes. “I don’t know how to feel when you say things like that to me. Part of me wants to melt because you would even offer, but the other part of me wants to remind you that I’ll never need that stuff to be happy.”
“So tell me what you do need to be happy,” I said, coating another berry with cream before holding it up to her lips.
She looked thoughtful, taking her time to chew. “I need my friends. I need my work. And I think I need you, Darius.”
Those few words took my breath away because I knew how hard it was for her to admit she needed anything or anyone. “I need you too.” I nuzzled her neck. “Right here, in my bed. Every night, if possible.”
She curled her hand around my shoulder, pulling back to look me in the eye. “I love being with you like this, but this is so much more than physical to me.”
I hated that I’d made her think I was demeaning her or our connection. I cradled her cheek in my hand. “Baby, don’t ever doubt how much you mean to me. I love making love to you, but I love being with you even more. Talking, laughing, just hanging out, that’s the best.”
She smiled before her cell phone buzzed. “Can you grab my purse for me? It’s probably Daphne wondering where the hell I am. I forgot to text her to let her know I was spending the night with you.”
I handed her her purse and watched her frown as she read her texts. “Daphne?”
“No.” She bit her lip as she stared at the screen. “My brother-in-law.”
“Your brother-in-law?” I wanted to remind her she was no longer married, which meant she no longer had a brother-in-law, but that would have been insensitive. Still, it killed me to think of Chelsea as someone else’s wife. “What does he want?”
“Says he’s in town and needs to see me.”
I didn’t like the sound of that, but I needed more information before I could jump to conclusions. “What’s he like?” I speared the last bite of French toast with my fork before popping it in my mouth.
“He’s a great guy. He and Shaun were really close.” Her fingers tapped the screen quickly as her hair tumbled over her face, blocking the screen from my view. “He was as shocked as I was when Shaun killed himself.”
“Huh.” I watched her, wondering how she’d responded to his text. “Did Shaun have a big family?”
“No, his dad wasn’t in the picture. It was just him, his mother, and brother. They were really tight.”
“Where’d they live?” I didn’t want her to think about her husband while she was in bed with me, but since her mind was clearly there anyway, I decided it couldn’t hurt to learn more.
“Kansas City.”
“Why’d he come to New York?”
She set her cell phone on the table and offered me the last strawberry. “He was a comedian. He knew his best shot at making it big and becoming a headliner was in a city like this.”
“What was his dream?”
She smiled, making my heart clench just a little because I knew that smile was for him, not for me. “He wanted to have his own comedy club someday. He missed his family and talked about moving back to K.C., maybe opening a club of our own there.”
I thought about my comedy club and wondered if it was weird for her that I was doing this given it had been her late husband’s dream. “Sounds like you two had a lot of big dreams.” I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my voice. I knew he was gone, that he’d left her by choice, but it didn’t diminish how much she loved and missed him.
“I guess we did.” She leaned back against the upholstered headboard, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear as she stared straight ahead. “Shaun was the one who encouraged me to dream, to set goals. Before I met him, my only goal was keeping a roof over my head for another month.”
I clenched my teeth, wishing I could have been the one to help chart her course. I wanted to let it go, to change the subject, but something forced me to ask, “Did he, uh, leave you a note…? You know, to let you know why he did what he did?”
“Yeah. I carry it with me all the time.” She reached for her purse and withdrew a folded piece of paper from a zippered pocket. “I read it sometimes, when I need to remember.”
What the hell did she need to remember? Him? That he’d loved her? Why he’d left her? “Maybe it’s time to think about letting go of that.” I wanted to be sensitive, to understand her reasoning for holding on to the past, but I suddenly felt as if a third person was in our bed, and I didn’t like it. “You can’t plan for the future when you’re holding on to the past, right?”
“I guess.” She turned the square between her fingers. “I’ve never shared this with anyone. Not even Daphne. Would you like to read it?”
What I wanted to do was tear it up, but I could see how much it meant to her that I read it, to better understand the first man she’d loved. “Sure.” I carefully unfolded the letter, swallowing and clearing my throat before my eyes skimmed the first few lines.
“You can read it aloud if you want,” she said softly. “I wouldn’t mind hearing it.”
I closed my eyes briefly, wanting to curl the paper up into a little ball and toss it into the wastebasket. After the hell he’d put her through, leaving her the way he had, hurting her, making her question everything including herself, I didn’t think he still deserved her love. But it was obvious he had it. And I wanted it. More than anything.
“Dear Chelsea,
I don’t have to tell you that you changed my life. You know.
I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you. I wanted our love to be enough to pull me out of the darkness. I thought it would be. But it wasn’t. And I can’t stand the thought of dragging you down with me.”
She swiped at a tear gliding down her cheek as I formed a picture in my mind of the man she’d loved.
“I see the pain in your eyes every day when you ask me what’s wrong and I can’t tell you. I know you want to help me. You want to fix this for me, but you can’t. No one can. No one can banish the demons inside my head. No one can make me whole and happy. Not even you, beautiful.”
Chelsea drew a deep breath, and I put my arm around her, drawing her into my side.
“But you have a chance at happiness. Just not with me. Having me in your life is only bringing you down, and I can’t do that to you. This is the only way out for me, the only way to end the suffering and protect you.”
If only he knew Chelsea’s suffering had only begun on the day he took his life. I kissed the top of her head as she reached for a tissue on the bedside table.
“Someday you’ll find a man who’s stronger than me, who’ll fight for the chance to be with you, to love you, and who’ll never let you go. That’s what I want for you, the kind of love I can never give you though I want to.”
I didn’t want to admit it, but I could see how much this man loved Chelsea. As broken as he was, she had clearly been the center of his world.
“I know it’ll be impossible for you to understand why I did this and even harder for you to forgive me, but I hope someday you will. Just remember I love you more than anything.
I’m so sorry.
Shaun”
I carefully folded the note and handed it back to her. “It was obvious he loved you very much.”
The words felt like sand scratching my throat as I forced them out.
“He did.” She clutched the letter against her chest. “But I still get mad at him sometimes. I would have fought for him, for us, with everything I had. Why couldn’t he do the same?” It broke my heart when she looked at me with those big blue eyes brimming with tears.
“I can’t answer that, Chelsea.” I only knew that I would fight for her as I’d never fought for anything if she’d loved me even half as much as she loved him. But it was obvious she didn’t, and my gut told me she never would. I threw the blanket back. “I better grab a shower, get to work.”
She touched my back. “Are you okay? Was it wrong of me to ask you to read that? I know it was weird, but I want to open up to you, to help you understand me better.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, unable to look at her. “I think I do understand now.” I understand that your heart will always belong to him, never to me.
Chapter Eighteen
Chelsea
I stared across the table at my husband’s identical twin brother, reminding myself Nate wasn’t Shaun. He just looked exactly like him. Seeing Nate again, after nearly two years, had taken my breath away. For a second, I’d been able to pretend that Shaun was still alive, and I was elated. But then I thought of Darius and felt guilty.
“You look amazing,” Nate said, squeezing my hand across the table. “Really happy.”
The last time we’d seen each other had been at Shaun’s funeral, when our worlds were collapsing. Admitting to Nate that I’d found someone else, that he was the reason for my easy smile, didn’t feel right. “I’m doing okay,” I said, shaking my head slowly.
Darius had seemed strange when we said good-bye at his apartment that morning. He’d barely said two words in the truck and couldn’t even look at me before he drove off. His kiss had been chaste, passionless, and it made me wonder if I’d ruined everything by showing him the letter Shaun wrote me.
“Just okay?” he asked, preparing a chicken fajita from the platter we’d ordered. “How’s work?”
“Well, I’m technically only working the bartending gig at Exodus right now,” I said, preparing my own plate. I wasn’t very hungry, but I didn’t want to be rude. And since I intended to pay for half of lunch, I might as well get my money’s worth.
“What?” He frowned after taking a bite. “But you love the comedy club. What happened to that?”
Nate and I had continued talking on the phone occasionally and emailing after Shaun’s death, trying to be supportive friends as we coped with our mutual loss. He understood better than most how important the comedy club was to me. Nate had been to see my act several times before Shaun died. He always claimed he thought I was talented—hilarious, in fact.
“Someone bought it from Billy. He bought the entire building, in fact, so he’s in the process of renovating it. Hopefully it’ll reopen in the next few months so I can get back to work.” I smiled before reaching for my water. “In fact, he’s offered me the manager’s job, so I’m pretty excited about that.”
“Hmmm.”
Nate didn’t seem to be as excited as I’d thought he would be. We’d always supported each other. “What? You don’t think it’s a good idea?”
“It’s not that.” He reached for his soft drink and took a sip. “Would it be selfish of me to admit I’d kind of hoped you hadn’t made any headway on the job front?”
“What are you talking about?”
He sighed before reaching for my hands. “I have some bad news. I know I probably should have told you right away, but I wanted to ease into it.”
“What’s wrong? What happened?” I was getting nervous. I’d always known Nate to be a forthright person. I couldn’t imagine why he would try to hide something from me.
“My mother passed away earlier this month.”
I sucked in a sharp breath, shaking my head in disbelief. I hadn’t known their mother as well as I would have liked, but the few times we’d met, she’d always been warm and welcoming. She said if I made Shaun happy, that was good enough for her. Evidently I hadn’t made him as happy as we’d all hoped, but she’d never held that against me. She told me at the funeral that we’d all done everything possible to help him and couldn’t blame ourselves, though I assumed she secretly wondered, as I did, if we could have done more for him.
“How?” I asked.
“Massive heart attack,” he said, lowering his head. “No signs, no symptoms.”
I squeezed his hand. “I’m so sorry. The funeral, why didn’t you call? You know I would have come.”
“She didn’t want a funeral. She’d made it clear to me that instead of a traditional service, she wanted to be cremated and have a celebration-of-life party on her next birthday. She didn’t want people to mourn.”
“That sounds like her.” According to Shaun, she’d always looked for the positive in everything and everyone. When he was feeling down, she always tried to remind him of his blessings to pull him out of his funk.
He withdrew his hands from mine. “So you’re probably wondering why I came all the way here to see you. There’s another reason, aside from Mom’s passing.”
“What is it?”
“Since I was her only living heir, I got the house and her other assets. My name was already on the deed, so I was able to sell it right away.”
“You’ve already sold the house?” I was shocked. He and Shaun had grown up there, and I’d gotten the impression they all loved that house.
“Yeah, I didn’t expect to, but I got a great offer. I couldn’t turn it down.”
“I see.” It was none of my business, but I couldn’t imagine wanting to sell my family home so soon after my mother died. Of course, I didn’t have a mother or a family home, so it was a moot point. “So what are your plans now?”
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” He pushed his empty plate aside. “Mom and I talked about this a lot after Shaun died. She wanted to do something for you. She knew how much you loved Shaun, how important you were to him, and she felt bad that you didn’t have anyone else.”
I’d never wanted her pity, but she had been a compassionate woman. I couldn’t claim to be surprised she felt bad for me. “That was very sweet of her, but—”
“Just hear me out,” Nate said, raising his hand. “You know Shaun and I always talked about opening a comedy club in Kansas City, right?”
“Yeah, he talked about it a lot. We said we’d work here for a while, gain a reputation at some of the bigger clubs, maybe save some money, then go back to his hometown, where it would be a little more affordable to start a business like that.”
“Well, now that I have this money, I want to realize Shaun’s dream. Our dream. And I want you to do it with me.”
I couldn’t have been more shocked by his offer. Once Shaun had died, my dream of having my own club someday died with him. “What are you suggesting?”
“You and me, fifty-fifty partners.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “I couldn’t do that. That’s your inheritance, not mine.”
“If Shaun were still alive, it would have been our inheritance, and I have no doubt what we would have done with it. This is what my mother would have wanted, trust me.”
“But—”
“Since Shaun can’t do this with me, I want you to. Please, Chelsea, for his sake. It’ll be his legacy, our gift to him.”
A hundred times since Shaun’s death, I’d wished I could have done something for him, to immortalize him in some way and prove to the world that his life counted, that he’d mattered to the people who loved him. Nate was presenting me the perfect opportunity, but I couldn’t get Darius out of my mind.
“This is a lot to take in,” I said, rubbing my face with my hands. “I’m still reeling.”
“I know.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket and tapped the screen. “This building is available. It’s been recently renovated with two apartments above. You could take one,
and I’d take the other. Think about it—no mortgage and no rent to pay. We’d be able to do this cash, with enough money left over to cover our operating expenses for a year.”
I couldn’t deny his offer was tempting, really tempting, but I couldn’t imagine leaving Darius. Now that Nate had been honest with me, I felt I owed him the same. “Here’s the thing—I’m sort of seeing someone.” That didn’t begin to describe my relationship with Darius, but I didn’t feel it was fair to Nate to go into details.
“Oh.” He nodded. “Is it serious?”
“We haven’t been dating long, but I think maybe it has the potential to be someday.”
He smiled. “You don’t sound too sure of yourself.”
After the way we’d left things this morning, I wasn’t. “Even though it’s new, we’ve had some ups and downs already. He’s the first man I’ve dated since your brother died, so I’m feeling my way through it. Trust doesn’t come easily for me, and Darius is… well, he’s not your average guy.”
“What does that mean?”
“His family is very wealthy. In fact, he’s the one who bought the club and offered me the job. He’s been so good to me, even letting me and Daphne stay in his apartment while they’re renovating the club.”
“But…?”
I wasn’t surprised Nate could sense my hesitation. I wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding my misgivings about Darius. “You know I have a hard time opening up to people. Even before Shaun it wasn’t easy, but—”
“My brother really did a number on you.”
I didn’t want to make any disparaging comments about Shaun to his brother. Nate knew that I still felt a lot of anger and confusion about my husband’s death and probably always would.
“I just don’t know that I’m ready for a serious relationship yet. But the more time I spend with Darius, the stronger my feelings get and the more confused I become about where we go from here, where we’ll end up.” I linked my hands on the table, looking at the finger where my plain gold band had been. “I just feel like it’s not fair to lead him on if I can’t do the whole marriage-and-kids thing.” So much for not confiding in Nate about Darius.
Darius (Starkis Family #5) Page 16