“Before River found me, I lived on the streets. I had nothing but my anger and the filthy clothes on my back.”
I clench my jaw so I’ll keep my eyes on his. I fist my hands at my sides as sadness for him bleeds through the anger that’s consuming me.-
“I couldn’t go home to Nanna, so I wandered the streets. I let my anger control me. Just like you, I’ve seen things no one should ever see.”
I lick my lips before I whisper, “What things?”
For a moment, it doesn’t look like he’s going to tell me, but then he grinds the words out. “I’ve seen death. I’ve smelled death. Every time I killed someone, I could taste death. I’ve been soaked to the bone in the stench of death. After a while, I felt dead.”
He leans a little down and the air around us tenses. I’ve never felt anything like this before.
“But I didn’t die. It took me a long while to realize that I didn’t die out there.”
“I’ve seen people being fucked,” I whisper. I can’t hide who I am. Not from Adam, and not from myself. But maybe I can find a way to live with it, like Adam found a way.
“I’ve fucked people.” My voice starts to tremble as disgust starts to smother me. “I’ve let people fuck me. I never fought back because I was scared. I let my fear control me. I did everything they commanded, always pleasing them.”
Adam doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t turn around and leave, and he doesn’t take his eyes from mine.
“I’ve realized what they did to me was wrong. But I also realized that what I did was worse.”
“Sophia,” he whispers, and I can hear the anger vibrating in his deep voice. “You were raped and beaten. None of that is your fault.”
It’s hard to keep looking into his eyes, as I whisper my sins to him. “I didn’t want to have sex. I didn’t want to be beaten. I didn’t want to be strangled. I let them do it because I thought if I could just please them, they wouldn’t kill me. But I did beat other slaves.”
I swallow hard as tears well in my eyes. I’m disgusted with myself.
“I.” I have to force a breath of air down my throat. “Raped.” I clench my teeth as I squeeze the last word out. “Jack.”
I lean closer to Adam, so he will hear every word.
“I realized I’m not filthy because of what was done to me. I’m filthy because of what I did.”
I wait for the look on his face to turn to one of disgust. I wait for him to hate me.
But he doesn’t. Instead, he reaches for me. His touch is gentle as he frames my face with his hands.
“You’re not filthy,” he starts to say.
For the first time in my life, I interrupt someone. “I am! Jack only submitted because he thought he was keeping his brother safe. He believed that he was protecting David.” I shake my head, and I feel the roughness of Adam’s palms on my cheeks. “Adam, he never beat anyone. He never raped anyone. Jack had a reason to do those things, but he wouldn’t.”
I slam my hand to my chest as tears of anger spill over my cheeks. “I didn’t have a reason to do those things. I didn’t do them to keep someone safe. I did it because I was a coward.”
Adam still doesn’t look at me with the same hatred I feel for myself. It makes something snap inside of me. My whole life I’ve been standing on the edge of a cliff, and the ground just gave way under me.
I shove at Adam. “You have to hate me!”
He does the opposite as he grabs me to him. His arms wrap around me. They are steel bands pinning me to his chest.
I scream into his chest until my throat is raw and I’m out of breath. I crumble against him.
I feel no fear.
I feel no urge to please.
I feel no need to belong.
I only feel fractured and filthy.
Chapter Twenty
Adam~
Her pain is so intense that I feel it rippling through me.
I pick her up, and cradling her body close to my chest, I take her back to my place.
When I get to the front door, I let her stand. I keep one arm around her as I quickly open the door. Once it’s locked behind us, I steer her to the bathroom.
I take hold of her waist, pick her up, and set her down on the counter next to the sink. Grabbing a washcloth, I quickly wet it.
She stopped crying on the way back to the cottage. She looks exhausted. It was bound to happen and as hard as it was for her, it was needed.
I wipe her face, letting the cool cloth soothe her flushed skin.
When I’m done, I pick her up again and carry her to my room. I place her on the bed, and remove her shoes. She lies still as I kick off my own shoes.
She just stares at the ceiling as I lie down beside her. Just like that first night we met, I pull her body against mine and hold her.
“There was a slave,” she whispers. Her voice sounds so small it makes me hold her tighter. “She didn’t last very long. She didn’t survive training. She came from a farm. She told us about the farm and her family. A couple of times, she said that she missed her mom and dad, and her horse. She said she loved them. She cried for them. I remember feeling bad for her and thinking that I never want to love anything the way she loved her family and horse. She fought so hard to get free and in the end they killed her.”
Slowly, I caress her back as her words hit deep.
“I used to think that love made her weak and that’s why she died. Today, I realized how wrong I was. Love made her strong, so strong that she did the one thing I never did. She fought. She wouldn’t let them break her. She fought to the end and that was a brave thing of her to do.”
Her fingers twist in the material of my shirt, and she hides her face against my chest.
Her words are muffled when she says, “She was brave to fight them and I was weak to obey them.”
“You are not weak. A weak person just gives up, and you didn’t give up. You did what you had to do to survive.”
She pulls slightly back and looks up at me.
“That doesn’t make any of it right.”
For the millionth time, I wish that I could take all her pain away.
“I remember the heat. You could see it dancing all around us. Fuck, it felt like my skin was going to melt right off.” I start to just talk about my past, hoping I can help her in some way.
I let the memories I’ve fought for so long drag me under.
“It was a normal patrol through the streets. Weeks had passed since the last attack, so we got careless. It happened so fast. One minute we were all talking shit and the next minute a guy was running towards us. By the time we realized that it was an attack, it was too late. We opened fire on him, but he kept on coming. The explosion knocked me out.”
I close my eyes against the pain of the memory and push through.
“Years later, I was walking down the street. A guy came running towards me. He was just out jogging, and I beat him so badly he spent a week in the hospital.”
After a few seconds have passed, I ask her, “Does that make me a bad person?”
“You’re not a bad person,” she says without hesitation.
“What’s different between what I did, and what you did?”
Slowly, she pushes herself up. I sit up as well, and lean back against the headboard.
When she straddles me, my heart comes to a shuddering stop. I reach for her hips to lift her off, but she places her hands on mine to stop me.
“Wait. I just want to show you something.”
I hope I’m not making a mistake as I settle back again.
“That first night we met, you wouldn’t fuck me. No matter what I did, you just wouldn’t. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now. Did you know they have cameras in all the rooms?”
“Yes.”
“So you knew you were endangering your life by not fucking me.”
I click where she’s going with this, and I don’t like it at all.
I don’t expect it when she presses down on my cock a
nd rubs herself against me. My reaction is automatic. I flip her onto her back and press her into the bed. The word ‘no’ is on the tip of my tongue, and I catch it just in time.
She raises her chin in defiance, something I haven’t seen her do before.
“That’s what makes you a good person, Adam. That’s the difference between us.”
Letting go of her, I sit back. Anger washes over me, making my control slip.
“You think just because I didn’t fuck you, I’m good?” She’s just about to sit up, when I dart forward. I press her back into the bed and glare down at her.
My breaths rush over my lips and I watch as fear plays over her face. I hate doing this to her, but it’s the only way I can show her what I’ve been trying to tell her.
“The only thing that stopped me was the cameras. I don’t like being watched when I’m fucking.” I lie to her as I place my hand on her leg. I push her dress up, praying that I’m not fucking up all the progress she’s made.
When my hand reaches her panty line, she reacts. She shoves her full weight into me, and I let her push me back. She scrambles away from me, and almost falls off the bed in her hurry.
I jump off the bed and catch her as she tries to run for the door. Quickly, I flip the light on so she’ll see my face.
“It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you. It’s okay.”
She tries to yank away from me, making me tighten my grip on her.
“No!” The word is a raw cry as she fights me.
“Sophia, look at me.” Her eyes snap up to mine. “I didn’t mean it. It was just to show you that you have changed, that you would stop me. You made the choice to say no.”
She manages to yank free from me, but she doesn’t run. Her breaths race over her parted lips as she keeps looking at me.
“You said no, Sophia. You fought me off.”
I watch as my words sink in.
“I said no,” she whispers, stunned at what she just did. “You stopped when I said no.”
“I did.” I take a step closer to her and when she doesn’t move away, I let out the breath I’ve been holding. “You have a right to say no, and no matter what, I have to stop. I have a right to say no, and no matter what, you have to stop.”
She shakes her head and asks, “What changed?”
“You did. Your whole life you did what you thought was right, Sophia. Even though you did bad things, you didn’t know they were bad. You didn’t know any different. Now that you know it’s wrong, you fight against it because you’re good. You are a good person.”
I close the distance between us and cradle her face in my hands.
“You are strong.” I hold her eyes so she will know I mean every word. “You are beautiful. You are brave.”
I let my eyes caress her face before I look back at her blue eyes. They are even more gorgeous now that they’re alive.
“You are brave for surviving every day with those fuckers. You are so very brave, Sweetheart. You fought all your life to survive, and you’re still fighting.”
Her eyes start to shimmer with tears and she takes a shaky breath. “You really think I’m brave?”
“I do, with all my heart.”
“Why do people do that to other people?”
I let my hand slip behind her neck and I pull her against my chest, holding her tightly.
“They aren’t people, Sophia. They are monsters. It’s all for money and power. They have no sense of what’s good.”
“Not like you,” she whispers and her breath fans warm over my chest.
“Remember what I told you, we all have good and bad inside of us. Cameron, and those like him, chose to let the bad take over.”
“I don’t want my bad side to ever take over.”
I let her go and smile down at her. “You won’t, Sophia.”
“How do you know?”
I place my hand gently over her heart. “Because you’re good here.” I lift my other hand to her face and I brush a tear from her cheek. “Even though they did hideous things to you, you managed to protect your heart.”
A shaky smile forms around her mouth and it makes her breathtakingly beautiful.
“One day you’re going to meet a man and you’re going to fall in love with him, and then you’ll give him your heart. You’ll learn what life is all about. You’ll have a family. You’ll be happy.”
Chapter Twenty One
Sophia~
“I think they’re ready,” Miss Ella says.
I open the oven and peek inside. Heat slams into my face and I hear Miss Ella scold, “Not that close, Sophia. You’ll burn your eyebrows right off.”
I move back a little, then take the muffin pan out. I place it on top of the stove and frown. They don’t look like the batch Miss Ella made earlier.
“Oh dear,” Miss Ella says next to me. “Something went wrong.” She takes a toothpick and sticks it into the muffin. It comes out all gooey. “Child, how did you manage to burn it to a crisp on the outside but it’s still raw on the inside?”
I shrug then ask. “Can I try again?”
Miss Ella points to where all the ingredients are. “Go right ahead, Child.”
I’m busy mixing the eggs when Tristan comes in. “Hey y’all,” he greets, and then he goes straight for the batch of flopped muffins. He takes one out and I scrunch my nose as he bites into it. “Fuck, this is good. Just the way I like them.”
Miss Ella slaps him upside the head with a dishcloth. “Watch your language!”
“Sorry, Miss Ella,” he mumbles through a mouthful of muffin.
Diane comes into the kitchen, and when she sees Tristan, she freezes.
Before she can leave, he sees her. A smile forms on his face, and his eyes grow warm. I’ve never seen a man look at a woman like that.
“You have got to taste this.” He walks over to her and holds the remainder of the muffin out to her.
As she takes it from him, a blush creeps up her neck. She smiles shyly at Tristan.
I watch them leave the kitchen and wonder if I’ll ever get to feel that.
I’m deep in thought when Adam comes in. “I’ve come to see if I can steal you away for an hour.”
I glance at Miss Ella, who waves her hand at me. “Go. You don’t need my permission.”
As I walk by Adam, I’m conscious of his body. It’s not in a sexual way. I’m conscious of him as man. I’m highly aware of how safe I feel when I’m with him.
I notice we’re not going to Adam’s house, and I ask, “Where are we going?”
“To the river. I’m hot and thought we could cool down a little.”
We follow a trail and I try to take in all the beauty around me. I love spending time with Adam. He makes me feel like I can be anything. When he touches me, I feel special. If he looks at me, it feels like he sees who I really am.
If this is what it feels like to be happy then I want to be happy for the rest of my life. It’s the best feeling in the world.
When we pass a clearing, I can’t help but gasp. “It’s so beautiful,” I whisper. Although there is equipment and bags everywhere, it looks pretty.
“Oh yeah, Jack is livening up the place a bit. It’s still a work in progress. It’s going to look amazing once he’s finished here.”
“Is this the chapel you mentioned the other day?”
Adam nods and a look of pride shines from his eyes. “Yes.” He pulls at my hand. “Let’s go swim.”
I look at the brown water, and I’m not so sure I want to get in it. I don’t know how to swim. What if I go too deep?
“Is it safe to swim?”
Adam laughs and it makes my stomach feel funny.
“We’ll be fine. The current isn’t that strong, and I’m a good swimmer.”
We start to walk again and I mumble, “I’m not.”
Chapter Twenty Two
Adam~
I hear her mumble, “I’m not,” and it makes me smile. I was hoping that I could teach her something goo
d today.
We get to the stretch of sand and I pull my shirt off. Sophia stands and watches me. Before she gets the idea to strip, I say, “You can keep the dress on, just take off the sandals.”
I get rid of my shoes, and then the jeans, until I’m standing in my boxers.
She’s struggling with the clasp of her sandal. I crouch in front her, quickly helping her. Once she’s barefoot, I take her hand and run into the water with her.
She shrieks as the cold water splashes around us. I grab her around her waist and pull her in deeper with me.
She laughs as she wipes wet strands of hair from her face. Her eyes are shining with delight and it makes her heartbreakingly beautiful.
Heartbreakingly, because I will never have her.
The thought is a punch to my gut and it wipes the smile from my face. Where the fuck did that come from?
I can’t have thoughts like that. She has a lot of healing to still do. I have too much baggage for someone like her.
She needs someone who can take care of her. Someone who will be able to love her the way she deserves to be loved.
I swim us back to the shore and get out. I let go of her as soon as we’re on dry land.
I see the look of confusion on her face and it only makes it worse.
“What did I do?” she asks.
I shake my head and I can only manage half a smile. “Nothing, I just forgot I have something to do.”
Her dress is clinging to her body, showing every curve and her erect nipples. She’s a walking dream.
“I’ll see you later,” I say way too harshly. I rush away from her and my thoughts of her.
***
I’ve been avoiding Sophia as much as I can over the past few days. It’s best for her if I put some distance between us.
When I walk into the kitchen, Sophia stops mid-sentence with what she was saying. I don’t miss the uncomfortable look that shadows her face, and I hate that I’m responsible for it.
“Nanna, have you seen those nails I bought the other day. There’s a panel -” Sophia walks right by me and out the backdoor. It hurts like a bitch that she left because of me. I want to go after her, but it would only make things worse.
Filthy: A Dark Romance (A Damaged Romance Duet Book 2) Page 9