A Love Like This

by Maria Duffy

  ‘Oh Jesus!’ Bob’s eyes were like saucers listening to the story. ‘What happened then? Was he okay?’

  Donna was quiet, thinking about her dream and how similar it was to actual events.

  Despite Will’s obvious mortification, Silvia continued. ‘Will acted on instinct. He instructed the mother to get ready to pull the child free and he used all his strength to lift the boulder. As soon as the child was out, he let it go and couldn’t move his hand out quickly enough.’

  ‘That’s awful.’ Donna shook her head. ‘So you were in hospital over there? I knew I should have checked the hospitals. I thought about it afterwards but I was so distraught that I just wanted to get home.’

  ‘That’s understandable,’ said Will. Still those eyes. ‘And, yes, I was in hospital for ten days over there and then they let me out to continue my treatment at home.’

  The waiter arrived with their food, giving them all a few moments to digest all the information. Donna wasn’t a bit hungry. Her nose was blocked and there was a horrible trickle of something nasty dripping down the back of her throat. But even if she was in the full of her health, she didn’t think she’d be able to face eating a thing. After more than two years of wondering, she’d actually found William – or Will, as he was called. But it was all wrong. Nothing about this situation felt right and Donna couldn’t wait to go home, curl up in bed and think about everything.

  ‘Are you okay, love?’ Donna realised that she was staring at her pizza when everyone else was tucking into theirs.

  ‘Actually, Bob, I don’t feel great. Would you mind if we went home?’

  ‘You do look a bit pale,’ said Silvia. ‘If you ask the waiter, he’ll box the food up for you so you can take it home. You might feel like eating it later.’

  And that’s when Donna noticed the ring. The big, sparkling solitaire on Silvia’s finger. The realisation was like a slap across the face. Will would never be hers. She couldn’t get out of the place quick enough.

  ‘Do you mind if we don’t wait?’ she said, standing up. ‘I … I really feel like I need some air.’

  Bob jumped up. ‘Of course not. Come on, let’s get you home.’ He threw forty euros on the table to cover their food.

  ‘It was lovely to meet you.’ Silvia seemed to move in closer to Will. Was she marking her territory? Did she sense something between him and Donna?

  ‘I’ll give you a buzz tomorrow, Bob,’ said Will, standing up and shaking his hand. ‘And I hope you feel better soon, Donna. I’d love to catch up whenever you’re feeling up to it.’

  ‘Yes. Yes, that would be lovely.’

  Outside, Bob had to steady her as he hailed a taxi. And she hadn’t even had a drop of wine. Bob seemed oblivious to the tension between her and Will and chatted excitedly about him as they headed towards home.

  ‘Imagine you and Will knowing each other. Isn’t that the craziest thing?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘He’s a nice guy, isn’t he?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘And that story about how he hurt his hand – he’s a bit of a hero really.’

  It sounded as though Bob was in love with him too. In love! Was she actually in love with him? She tried to push the thought out of her head but it kept coming back. It was true. And she’d probably known it from the day she met him. She was in love with Will, but there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it.

  * * *

  Will sat at the kitchen table cradling a cup of coffee. He’d told Silvia to go on up to bed because she was exhausted and said he’d follow her up shortly. He needed some time alone just to think. Of course he hadn’t said that to her. Silvia was no fool and would sense it had something to do with Donna.

  She’d already questioned him endlessly as soon as Bob and Donna had left. She wanted to know if he’d had feelings for her. If anything had happened between them. If he’d tried to find her after the earthquake. What did he feel for Donna now?

  It had been like the Spanish Inquisition. Or the Italian one! Silvia was honest and direct and he’d expect nothing less from her. But he hadn’t been so honest with his answers. He’d told her that Donna had just been some girl he’d met and he’d been drawn to her Irishness because he was missing home. He said he’d been curious about what had happened to her, but nothing more. She’d said she believed him. But he knew also that she’d be watching for anything that would suggest otherwise. She was a hot-blooded Italian woman, fiercely loyal and protective of her loved ones. Will knew that she wouldn’t stand for it if she thought he had any feelings for Donna so he needed to tread carefully.

  His heart had almost burst when she’d walked into the restaurant. What was it about that girl that had captivated him so much? He knew he loved Silvia but seeing Donna had sent him into a spin. He remembered how he’d felt when he met her that day. How long strands of her fiery hair had stuck to her pink lip gloss and how the freckles on her face seemed to dance as she spoke. He remembered thinking that she was the one. The girl of his dreams. The woman he was going to spend the rest of his life with.

  He rubbed his eyes and yawned. He’d been wrong about that. Donna may have made an impact on him that day but if he’d actually met her the following day, it probably would have just fizzled out. The whole earthquake scenario had heightened all his senses and because he’d never found out what happened to her, he’d romanticised about her afterwards. That’s all it was.

  ‘Are you coming up, Will? The bed is too empty without you.’

  Will was jolted out of his thoughts and looked up to see Silvia standing at the door of the kitchen. She had a delicate blue silk robe on her that fell just above her knee and her hair was tousled from sleep. She was beautiful. She was everything he could ever want in a woman. He knew that she’d felt a little threatened by Donna earlier. He couldn’t really blame her. It had been a tense and awkward situation. He made a mental note to make sure Silvia knew how much he loved her and that Donna had just been a passing moment in his life.

  ‘Am I talking to myself?’

  ‘Sorry, Sil.’ He drained the coffee from his cup and stood up. ‘I just needed that coffee. I’m coming up now.’

  She waited until he walked up the stairs before following him. It was as though she sensed his thoughts and wanted him to focus on the present and not get caught up on the past. And she’d be right. Maybe under different circumstances, he’d have pursued Donna and maybe, just maybe, things would have worked out. But the reality was that he was engaged to Silvia and nothing was going to change that.

  He slipped into bed beside her and spooned her, pulling her close and burying his face in her hair. It took him only seconds to be aroused and he gently turned her around to face him. With deft fingers, he removed her underwear. He was already naked and he could sense her excitement. Sex was always amazing between them. They knew each other intimately and each knew what the other liked. He was inside her then, moving rhythmically. He liked to take his time. Savour the moment. Then a picture of Donna came unbidden into his mind and he wondered what it would be like to make love to her. Without warning, his whole body seemed to explode into the biggest, most sensory orgasm he’d ever had.

  ‘Oh, Donna!’ The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them and he realised he may have just made the worst mistake of his life.

  Chapter 38

  ‘I’m not sure I can be with Bob any more, Lexie.’

  Lexie almost spat a mouthful of vodka and Coke back into her glass. ‘What? You can’t be serious.’

  Donna rubbed her temples. ‘Unfortunately I am.’

  ‘But why? Is this because of Will?’

  ‘Kind of.’

  ‘What does that mean?’ Lexie’s voice was getting louder.

  ‘Well, yes, I suppose it is. But not completely.’

  ‘God, you’re talking in riddles, Donna. Either it is or it isn’t.’

  ‘Seeing Will has definitely changed things,’ said Donna, draining the last of her white win
e spritzer. ‘But in a way, it’s just made me see things more clearly.’

  Lexie rolled her eyes. ‘Well, that’s cleared it up, then. Not! I’m heading to the loo. Do you want to get us another drink? I think I’m going to need it.’

  A barman came to take the empty glasses and Donna ordered another round. Lexie had gone with her earlier for her Wednesday visit and they’d decided to stop off for some pub grub and a few drinks on the way home. Bob had already told Donna he’d be home late because of some awards thing in work, so it was the perfect opportunity for the girls to catch up.

  The city centre pub was buzzing, even though it was midweek, but they’d found themselves a nook at the back where they could have a proper chat. It was almost two weeks since that night in Milano when she’d come face to face with Will again. Her emotions had been in turmoil ever since and she knew she had some big decisions to make.

  She was in love with Will. She couldn’t bring herself to tell even Lexie this, but it was true. She’d known for a while now that her relationship with Bob didn’t feel right. It was comfortable and she loved his company but it didn’t feel like the real thing. She loved him but wasn’t in love with him. Sometimes she sensed that he felt the same way but neither of them was willing to actually say it.

  The barman came back with the drinks and she paid him, telling him to keep the change. It was a generous tip and his young face lit up with gratitude. In an ideal world, she’d explain things to Bob and he’d understand, leaving her available to fall into Will’s arms. But there were two problems. Firstly, she wasn’t sure Bob would understand and, secondly, Will was engaged.

  After that night, Donna had hoped that Will would get her number and contact her. She’d filled herself up with the thoughts of secret meetings where they’d declare their love for each other and try to figure out a way of being together without hurting anyone. But it was a dream too far, it seemed. There’d been no phone call and, according to Bob, Will was busy organising his wedding. It had broken Donna’s heart to hear that.

  ‘Right, that’s my bladder emptied,’ said Lexie, sitting back down and taking a slug of her drink. ‘So go on, tell me what you’re thinking. And I’ll have to warn you – I may take Bob’s side.’

  ‘Oh, thanks for that.’

  ‘I just don’t want you to hurt him, Donna. He’s fabulous and the best thing that’s ever happened to you.’

  Donna sighed. ‘I know. And it’s precisely because I don’t want to hurt him that I think I have to let him go.’

  Donna explained about how her feelings for Will had resurfaced when she’d seen him again. She didn’t mention love but said it was enough to make her doubt her relationship with Bob.

  ‘But you don’t even know what Will thinks, do you? Or has he been in touch?’

  ‘No, I haven’t heard a thing. But that’s not the point.’

  ‘I would have thought it’s exactly the point.’

  ‘Look, I’m not expecting anything to happen with Will.’ Donna’s voice caught in her throat and she had to pause to cough. ‘He’s getting married so that ship has sailed. But how can I continue things with Bob if I really don’t have those deep feelings for him?’

  ‘But seeing Will has just unsettled you. Maybe if you leave things for a few weeks, you’ll realise that Bob is the one you want after all.’

  Donna shook her head. ‘It’s not just Will. It’s more than that.’ She spent the next few minutes explaining about her relationship with Bob. How it felt more brotherly than anything.

  ‘But you have sex, don’t you?’ Lexie didn’t seem to understand or accept what she was saying. ‘I mean, it’s hardly like a brother–sister relationship if you have sex.’

  ‘We do, Lexie. But not often and it’s just routine. And actually, it’s usually me who instigates it. He probably wouldn’t care if we never did it.’

  ‘Are you serious? Brendan used to look for it non-stop. I swear, we’d have been doing it morning, noon and night if he’d had his way.’

  ‘That’s my point,’ said Donna, feeling suddenly tipsy. All the talking was making her drink quicker than usual. ‘If he’s not looking for it, his heart mustn’t be fully in it either.’

  Lexie looked thoughtful. ‘I’ve never known a man not to want sex, even if it’s not …’

  ‘Not what?’ Donna looked at Lexie, who’d stopped mid-sentence and was staring at her. ‘Lexie?’

  ‘You don’t think … I mean he wouldn’t be …’

  ‘Lexie, what are you talking about?’ Donna was getting impatient.

  Lexie spoke slowly and carefully. ‘Do you think there’s a possibility that Bob is gay?’

  Donna laughed and then stopped when she saw Lexie’s face. ‘Are you being serious? Bob? Gay?’

  ‘Forget I said anything. I’m probably completely wrong.’

  Donna’s mind began to process the thought. Bob was certainly in touch with his feminine side, but gay? She thought about his hairbands and his long hair. She pictured his trousers that always sat at his ankle and how he wore shoes without socks. But then she checked herself for stereotyping and shook her head.

  ‘No way, Lexie. I’ve been with him for two years now. I think I’d know if he was gay.’

  Then she thought about how they were with each other. How Bob kissed her more often on the top of the head rather than on the lips. How he loved to watch telly rather than make love. Then she thought of the nights when they’d make love and it would take him ages to climax. At times she’d suspected he’d faked it in the end but he’d discarded the condom before she could check. Could Bob actually be gay? Did she know him at all?

  ‘Donna, are you okay? I’m really sorry I said that. You know me and my big mouth. I just opened it and it came out.’

  ‘The thing is, I’m not entirely sure you’re wrong.’

  The words hung in the air.

  Lexie eventually spoke. ‘Did you ever suspect it yourself?’

  Donna thought for a moment. ‘If I’m honest, I used to think it before we got together. I wondered how such a gorgeous bloke could be single. And maybe it was there in the back of my mind while we were together but I didn’t want to face it.’

  ‘It might not be true.’

  ‘Maybe not.’

  ‘It was just a thought.’

  ‘I know.’ Donna felt exhausted all of a sudden and all she wanted to do was be in her bed. ‘Can we just go home now?’

  ‘Of course,’ said Lexie, watching Donna carefully. ‘I’m really sorry, you know. That I said it, I mean. I’m really sorry.’

  But it couldn’t be unsaid. Donna had a lot of thinking to do.

  * * *

  It was almost midnight and Bob had texted to say he was on his way home. Donna turned onto her other side and closed her eyes, but sleep wouldn’t come. Since Lexie had mentioned the gay word earlier, Donna hadn’t been able to think of anything else. The more she thought about it, the more she was convinced that maybe, just maybe, Lexie was right. It upset her for a whole lot of reasons. Firstly, it was heartbreaking to think that, at thirty years old, he hadn’t embraced his sexuality. But secondly, how could he have lied to her like that? Two whole years they’d been together. Two years of living a lie. That’s if it was true.

  But there was a tiny part of her that embraced the whole notion of his gayness. It would make things easier for her, wouldn’t it? She wouldn’t have to break up with him – she could confront him and the relationship would come to a natural end. And if they remained friends, she wouldn’t lose Jan in the process.

  She heard the sound of keys in the door, followed by the clattering of crockery in the kitchen. Bob was always hungry when he came home late. She envied how he could eat whatever he wanted at whatever time of the day, and never put on a pound. She, on the other hand, would only have to look at a slice of bread, especially at this time of night, and her belly would expand an inch. She was quite happy with her size twelve figure but wished she could allow herself a few more tre
ats without worrying about her waistline.

  She was glad when she heard the telly go on because she really didn’t feel like talking to him tonight. She loved their chats – especially the ones they had in bed – but she had a lot to get her head around before she spoke to him again. There was always the chance, of course, that Lexie was wrong. But now that the seed was planted, she didn’t think so.

  It was a long time since she’d been single and she wondered how she’d cope. If she was honest, she hated the thought. She liked being part of a relationship. She loved feeling secure and loved – something that had been lacking in her earlier life. She knew she’d probably find that again. At least she hoped she would. But the heartbreaking thing was that she honestly didn’t know if she’d find love again like the love she felt for Will.

  He was perfect. It wasn’t just how he looked or how he acted; it was the whole package. The feeling she got when she was around him. The way her heart felt like a feather and her head burst with happiness. He induced a feeling of calm within her and when she looked at him she felt complete. She wondered if Silvia knew how lucky she was. Tears sprang to her eyes and she tried hard to blink them away.

  Suddenly the bedroom door burst open and Bob crashed into the room. Donna could tell by how much noise he was making that he’d been drinking. He didn’t drink much usually so even two pints could have him tipsy.

  ‘Are you awake, Donna, love?’

  She tried to remain as still as possible and breathed heavily so that he’d think she was asleep. She just couldn’t face him tonight.

  ‘Donna?’

  She was practically snoring now. He gave up eventually and Donna opened her eyes a slit to watch as he undressed. He folded his shirt carefully before placing it in the laundry basket and smoothed out his trousers to hang them back in the wardrobe. His shoes were new and he placed them lovingly back into their box but not before wiping them with a tissue. His every movement was careful. Thorough. Effeminate. How had she never noticed that before?

  He slipped into bed beside her and within seconds, was snoring soundly. Another time, she’d have giggled at that. She’d have teased him the next day about how he’d fallen asleep before hitting the pillow. She’d have exaggerated by telling him his mouth was open wide enough to catch spiders and there was a continuous stream of drool running down his chin. But now it didn’t seem funny.