Jane Was Here

by Sarah Kernochan

  Forgive me for prating on about my troubles, when you have a sufficiency of your own. I regret that your fall on the ice has delayed your recovery. Is it reprehensible to wonder if this misfortune is God’s plan to hold you longer in Graynier? No matter, you must not try again to come to our house! Even if my father is not at home, he will certainly hear of your visit and never trust me more. Let me come to you, dear friend and teacher. I am most determined to see you as soon as mortally possible.

  Jane

  Dear Mr. Trane,

  Your letter grieved me, it seemed almost quarrelsome. My treasured friend, you must not reprimand me for failing to visit. More than all other people, you have the power to hurt me with a word, a frown – nay, a feather! Indeed for the past five days I have tried to escape my house, but am thwarted at every turn.

  Saturday I could not leave because Uli Haff came to call on me, with a present of some soap he made. (It is so strange to sit with him now – this diffident, rather clumsy man whom I have never regarded as other than an assistant to my father. More irksome still, Papa and Rebecca make a great show of withdrawing so we are not disturbed during his visits. I must do all the talking to put him at his ease, and am quite worn out from the effort by the time he leaves. Worse, I have found out he is a Lutheran. Father has often told me I have a mad imagination, but it is he who is wildly deluded when he imagines I could ever be wedded to Mr. Haff!).

  On Sunday, you may recall that it snowed. Master Ellis Graynier astonished my father by appearing at the door and inviting me to join him, his sisters, and some friends in an enormous sleigh drawn by a team of four, which he had driven over. As I started to decline, he asked Rebecca, too. She became prodigiously excited, begging me to come along, so that in the end I did go, as it is the first occasion since Mr. Haff’s proposal that she has looked warmly upon me, and you must agree that we need her (unwitting) help to realize our reunion.

  However, I was soon to regret my choice. Master Ellis placed me directly beside him and for the whole ride he never ceased to tease and flatter me. I have never given him the slightest signal that I regard him as anything more than an annoyance, a rich idler to whom I am obliged to be polite because he is my father’s employer’s son. We stopped for him to untangle the harness, and while he was about it I quickly changed places with Rebecca, who was only too content to suffer his drivel for the rest of the ride.

  Monday Father was ill again. Mr. Graynier sent Uli Haff to inquire when Papa would be well enough to resume his duties at the factory. He is losing patience with Father on account of his increasing absences, and it’s possible he will replace Papa with Uli before long. In truth my father seems resigned to it, and says Uli would make a fine superintendent (here he casts me a meaningful look).

  On Tuesday came our invitations to the Workingmen’s Ball. Rebecca insisted on going to the dressmaker for a new frock, and then the milliner for a bonnet, and I could not persuade her to any other destination. I had rather stay at home than indulge such caprices, particularly (as I told her) when we must make economies. She retorted that Father would approve of her purchases, as he wants to get rid of her and she must use any means at her disposal to attract a husband. I was quite vexed by the end of our excursion, having to hurry by Mrs. Seeley’s house on the way home without a hope of visiting, as it was fast growing dark.

  Perhaps the next days will bring me a chance to get away. We must both pray God for patience!

  Your fond friend,

  Jane

  Dear Mr. Trane,

  The Almighty is testing our resolve indeed. He has granted our most cherished objective, yet at the same time deprived us of the communion we sought. Oh my friend, what a torture was yesterday afternoon, to be in your company at last, yet have no opportunity for discourse other than a few impersonal words of salutation and farewell, and nothing in between.

  I grant that we must keep our friendship a secret, but was it necessary to avoid looking at me entirely and pay heed only to my sister? Over and over I endeavored to catch your eye, to read something within, something to sustain me, yet you never met my gaze. Were you afraid that mere glances would disclose our relation to Rebecca and Mrs. Seeley? The latter is already “in the know,” having observed so many missives migrate from Letty’s pocket to your hand and back again! And how could you bear Rebecca’s prattling about last month’s weather and next month’s ball, and her silly attempts at religious dissertation, she who has scant interest in spiritual matters? You seemed instead to encourage her prolixity. I thought I would scream when she most improperly requested a fourth cup of tea, simply to prolong the visit.

  When we walked home, I then had to endure her rhapsodies on the subject of your estimable character, your devoutness, your manners, and how very plausible it seemed to her that the Gabrielites could aspire to embody angels when you are so angelically handsome in your aspect &c &c. From my letters you are well aware of her intent to be engaged to any eligible man she can espy. I boldly asked her if she envisioned you as a candidate for husband, for if so she should be apprised that your faith forbids marriage. She said she did not believe it, and would question you on the next visit. I added that at any rate Papa would forbid the union because of your affiliation with Gabriel Nation. She only laughed and repeated that Father is unconcerned whom she marries, for his affection has always been directed at me alone. I am sorry she thinks so little of herself.

  Therefore do not be amazed if she pays another call to Mrs. Seeley before long. For myself, I had rather stay at home than sit dumbly in Mrs. S’s parlor while you and my sister enjoy the very conversation that I have longed for, and dissembled and disobeyed for, only to be ignored! I weep to remember it! Dear Mr. Trane, why could you not look or speak to me?

  Jane

  Dear, dear Mr. Trane,

  I implore your pardon, I bless you for your indulgence, and wish I might tear to pieces that bitter note I sent and thus you had never seen it. I never realized that, while I had ample occasion to gaze upon your face during your lecture of many months ago, you yourself had never seen mine, except for one glimpse through a window on an October Sunday, when my face was obscured by my bonnet. Your explanation for your apparent disregard of my person during our visit is more than acceptable – it melts my heart. If another person, such as Ellis Graynier, should declare he cannot look upon me because he is stunned by how beautiful I am, I should brush off his words as arrant flattery. But I know you not to be a liar or flirt, and therefore those same words produce quite another effect on me. Further, I am sure you are alluding to a spiritual beauty you perceive in me rather than a physical one, a beauty such as I see in you as well. Truly Rebecca remarks well, for one feels the light of an angel about you, and that God’s grace lives with you. I cannot say it better, and thus will not try.

  Yes, I will return with Rebecca, if tomorrow is not too soon! Perhaps tomorrow the two of us shall essay conversation, and even risk glances, as when one’s eyes grow accustomed to the sun!

  Your affectionate friend,

  Jane

  Very ill. Do not be concerned. God keep you –

  J.

  Dear Mr. Trane,

  I feel as though I have climbed from my grave, and my reflection in the mirror does not belie that fancy. Truly I was completely insensible these three weeks past, and for which I am grateful, as they tell me I was in much torment, with the fever so strong, and the swelling of my throat making swallowing such an agony. Sleep was a tyrant permitting no resistance. At the worst point I seemed to quit my body – an oddly welcome sensation, of calm without regret – until the thought came that I might not see my loved ones again, at least in this world. And so my spirit hurried back to my invalid’s body, and I willingly resumed my sufferings.

  Imagine, I missed my twentieth birthday entirely! No matter, I am lucky to have lived past it. Rebecca delivered news of you from time to time, when I was able to sit up and drink weak tea, because she saw how it cheered me to hear of your con
versations with her. May God forgive me for my envy of her who could visit and sit hours in the company of my friend and teacher, when I have only for coin the pauperly sum of one hour, long ago – an hour spent in silence! I marvel that Papa allows Rebecca such visits, and that he even saw fit to welcome you into our house when you came to call with Mrs. Seely. Perhaps Rebecca is right, and he does not trouble himself for her associations so much as he does for myself. Indeed I know from Rebecca that he has made private inquiry about your means from the Widow, and was pleased to learn of your inherited income.

  I cannot fathom that my sister and father both should entertain the idea of a union! If you have told Rebecca of your faith’s renouncement of matrimony, your words fell upon deaf ears, I promise you. Please assure me you foster no such alliance, or I will think my sister poorly used – but I cannot believe it of you, and it is only my imagination, so deformed by fever, which envisions such treachery.

  Nay, I cannot doubt your sincerity when I hold in my hands such a gift as you have bestowed on me – and with what cunning! The others never dreamed that, concealed under the poetry volumes in the basket that Widow Seeley brought for my sickbed, and which was brought up to me by Letty, lay your beautiful present. When I uncovered it, and read your fond inscription, I truly began to mend. How good you are, to give me your own Bible! When I am too tired to read, I trace with my fingers the warm leather that has known your hands’ embrace, and the stamped cross of Gabriel Nation (one day soon you will tell me the meaning of its peculiar configuration).

  Your gift puts to oblivion all other presents I received while sick: from Uli a poultice he made, one of his old country’s remedies, and medicinal roots he dug from the snow atop Rowell Hill; I had presents, too, from Ellis Graynier, whose questionable benevolence supplied me with a bottle of cologne, an ivory comb, and a muskrat robe which, though rich, reminds me only of the low marshes from which those creatures, and Mr. Ellis, derive! Even Papa was embarrassed by his extravagance, and wondered that young Master Graynier should bother with my health, who has never previously shown any interest in our family, or the Pettigrews should all be wrapped in ermines by now!

  I am become so thin and pallid, I don’t wish for you to see me until I have regained my original form, which transformation I hope will be in time for the Workingmen’s Ball. Even if your religion and your injury prevent your dancing, please tell me you will attend! I am so eager to see your dear face again.

  I understand that your generous gift has rendered you bereft of Holy Scriptures, so I trust you will accept my little Bible in exchange, which Letty brings you along with this letter. I have tucked in its pages a lock of my hair. I am ever

  Yours in gratitude,

  Jane

  Dear Mr. Trane,

  I profess myself amazed that you should fret yourself over the rumors of my engagement to Mr. Haff. You know from my letters that I have not accepted him, that it is beyond my power to prevent him from calling at our home, and that our relation is of no more substance than yours with my sister. You yourself have explained the latter as the illusion by which we direct the eyes of others away from our secret relation. You wrote, too, that we must not let petty and sinful jealousy to mitigate the power of our mission. I have endeavored to follow your prescription. But so must you, dear mentor.

  I promise that marriage could not be further from my mind. Truly I am still in such a weakened state, I doubt any man would want me for consort! Neither do I have any appetite for romance but my illness has left me strangely cleansed of all desire, and weightless, as if my being were burned away leaving only the soul essence. I feel God has readied me for the redemption which only you can assist. Do not doubt me now, savior, when I am thus exposed!

  Rebecca says you will not come to the ball. I admire you the more for your abstinence, though I shall regret your absence. Uli expects me to go, alas, so I must put on a show of cooperation. Verily it comes not from the heart.

  Your faithful

  Jane

  Dear Mr. Trane,

  I may say it was the closeness of the crowd, or the music, or my reckless exertions from dancing overmuch (the ecstasy of freedom, from the prison of sickbed and home, overtook my common sense!) but in truth my early departure from the ball owed as much to my shock at seeing you there, when I had not expected it. Indeed I never noticed you enter the tavern, and it was not until the reel with Mr. Haff that I glanced across the room, and there you sat, so gallant in your blue jacket. Even condemned to a chair with your cane, you far outshone any other aspiring angels present, of which there were none!

  At once I left off dancing, complaining of dizziness, and sent Uli for some punch. I thought to escape him, in the hopes of achieving some moments with you. Surely you saw me coming your way, when Ellis Graynier stepped between and would not permit me to deny him the next dance. With both father and Mr. Philip Graynier watching, I could hardly rebuff him, and upon Uli’s return I had all I could manage to keep him and Master Ellis from open altercation. Ellis is aware of Mr. Haff’s proposal to me, but that knowledge only seems to have swelled his zest for the hunt, of which I am the reluctant object, though it were clear to him that my scruples and station make me an impossible party to his libertinism.

  In the end, Uli gave way to Ellis’ superior position as his employer’s son, and I was compelled to cede the rest of my dances to the man. If I did so with an “all too cheerful countenance” (as you reproach me), it was to please my father. I glanced at you often, to convey my secret unhappiness, yet each time I was met with a glare of such opprobrium that I felt as if drenched in sin – a glare so fixed that you seemed entirely to disdain the conversation of my sister seated beside you. It is well she did not remark it.

  Finally I could not bear your censure any longer and pleaded exhaustion to Papa, who took us home.

  I was indeed exhausted, but not from dancing. Dear Mr. Trane, do please put away your qualms regarding Ellis Graynier’s overtures: it is but his fancy of the moment and not to be taken seriously, least of all by you, who knows my soul. For that is how I am promised to you, not by my hand but rather by my soul which seeks its salvation through your sponsorship. How more intimate may two mortals be? You have said so: the light of purity is more beloved in God’s eyes than the bond of wedlock, which He only tolerates for the purpose of propagation. If I am ever to be pure, it will be by your tutelage. Teach me then, my friend, and may we have no more misunderstandings, which would dissolve so easily if only we could meet alone. If God intends it, He will arrange an opportunity soon.

  Your own

  Jane

  Dear Mr. Trane,

  Our opportunity has arrived! I pray this letter reaches you in time to avail yourself of our good fortune. As I trust you have learned already, at three o’clock this afternoon there is to be a hanging in front of the courthouse, of the tragic fellow from the shanties who murdered his children. Father is going to watch, along with most of the village. Of course he made us to stay home, it being an unfit spectacle for young ladies (I do, for once, concur!). This morning Rebecca confided to me her plan to steal away, hide herself among the crowd, then run home before Papa returns. I agreed to be partner to her conspiracy, and though I voiced my disapproval, inside I was all rejoicing. This leaves me utterly alone at home for the space of an hour! Come quickly, by the alley in back of Sycamore Street, and I will let you in the iron gate behind our house.

  Hurry, my friend!

  Jane

  Dear Lysander,

  No matter how long I shall live, indelible will be the memory of us two side by side in prayer. My knees never felt the floor, so deep was my trance, and when you touched your palm to my brow I felt a surge of flame – my heart violently quaked – the trembling which beset my limbs was just as you described it happens when the Spirit descends!

  I cry tears of gratitude to think I was, in that moment, worthy of God’s grace, even if the moment was fleeting. I am puzzled, however, that when I have attempte
d prayer since, alone and with the same intensity, I have never again experienced such transport. It may be that your presence is the key that unlocks the Heavens on my behalf. I yearn for another chance to combine our efforts in calling down the Spirit.

  I believe we may avoid discovery more easily now. Since I no longer importune Father to let me accompany Rebecca on her visits to Widow Seely, I think his suspicions have abated where you and I are concerned and therefore he may loosen the reins further.

  Accordingly I have another proposal, which comes from our artful ally Letty. Now that the weather is sunnier, it is time again for her to wash all the linens of the house, beat the carpets &c.&c. She proposes to hang the sheets on the line outdoors in such a fashion as to shield the door to the cow’s shelter. Now that you know the way, you may enter our yard at the same back gate as before (concealed all the while by a barrier of laundry!) and enter Emerald’s domain, where I shall be waiting at three. No one will question my leaving the house to visit Emerald, as only I and Letty bother ourselves about the dear cow.

  Our meeting place will be a most odorous milieu, and our prayers may be disrupted by Emerald’s plaintive interjections, but perhaps you may look upon the scene as a recreation of the manger where our wonderful Savior was born! Twixt the bovine and the divine, may our worship seal a connection.

  Yours in the Holy Spirit,