The clock is ticking down, the time I have left before I’m forcefully removed from my home, and I don’t know what to do. Having a roof over my head and enough money to pay for food are the last things I need to worry about, especially with finals looming days away and my website still woefully incomplete.
With a sigh, I shove the napkin back in my pocket and focus once again on the list of job possibilities. I’m giving myself two days. If I can’t find something on my own in two days, it doesn’t matter if I’m ready to ask someone for help. I’m not going to have a choice.
Twenty-Five
cade
“Great work today, Cade,” Chef Foster says.
The kitchen is still bustling around us, my fellow classmates cleaning up their stations from the busy dinner service. I pack my knives away and turn to my mentor, not quite keeping the smile off my face. Even with everything going on outside the kitchen, with all the questions I have regarding Winter and what’s going on with us, I can’t help the rush I get when thinking about how seamless the service went tonight.
“Thank you, Chef.”
“How’d it feel to lead the kitchen?”
I shake my head, looking down at the floor. “Honestly? Fucking amazing.”
He grins, claps a hand on my shoulder. “Exactly what I would’ve said. You have a second to talk?”
“Of course.”
We head to the back corner, far enough away that the noise from the kitchen fades into the background. The open space doesn’t afford us much privacy, so he lowers his voice, keeping the conversation from carrying. “What are your plans after graduation?”
“I’ll start looking for a job right away. I know I’ll probably have to work my way up, but I’m just excited to be in a kitchen, getting paid to do what I love.”
“You’re hoping to find something close to home?”
“Yes, sir.”
He hums, studying me with serious eyes. “I might have an opportunity for you. As a sous chef at a restaurant specializing in traditional Italian cuisine.”
I straighten, my eyes widening slightly. “Are you serious?”
“Yes.” He crosses his arms, leans back against the wall. “I believe in you, Cade. Barring that brief slip a couple weeks ago, you’ve shown astounding potential. You are, by far, my most promising student this year. And I know you wouldn’t let me down if I recommended you to the owner.”
“No, I wouldn’t. Never.”
“Just what I like to hear. There may be a slight problem, though.”
“Whatever it is, I’m willing to work through it. Long hours, early or late shifts, shitty pay, whatever.”
“What about moving?”
I still, my excitement fizzling. “Moving?”
“This restaurant is in Chicago.”
My heart stops, all my dreams colliding with my responsibilities. The one thing I simultaneously don’t want to do and want to do more than anything offered up on a silver platter, but I can’t take one without the other. Get my dream job straight out of school, but leave everyone I love behind.
I never once thought about leaving Michigan, moving anywhere. My dreams of traveling to Italy are just that: dreams. I can’t abandon Tessa and Haley. And then there’s Winter… The idea of leaving them cuts through me.
“Look, I know it’s a big decision for you. But it wouldn’t necessarily be permanent. The owner is looking at opening more restaurants. One of the locations he’s looking at is here, so that’s a possibility. There’s also the possibility if you put in your time as a sous chef, show him what you’re made of, you could lead one of the new restaurants, here or elsewhere.”
“I…I don’t know. I hadn’t even thought of this as an option. I didn’t even consider restaurants that weren’t within thirty miles.”
He nods. “I figured as much. And I know why. But, Cade…” He lowers his voice even more, leaning toward me, his hand curled over my shoulder. “It’s time to start living your life for you. You’ve more than covered your responsibilities here. Tessa isn’t in high school anymore. She’s grown and you don’t need to keep looking after her. She has the house, and she and Haley will do fine. Your parents—your mom especially—wouldn’t hold it against you for pursuing this. Just…think about it, okay? Before you say no, take a few days and think about it. Talk it over with Tessa and whoever it is who’s been messing with your concentration these past few weeks. This is an amazing opportunity for you. I don’t want you to miss out on it because of responsibilities you don’t need to shoulder anymore.”
I nod and swallow, my throat tight, my chest tighter. A month ago, I would’ve answered immediately. No fucking way. I have a life here, responsibilities and people who need me. But after meeting Winter…seeing how strong and brave she is, hearing her encourage me to follow my dreams… Now, I don’t know.
Seems like a cruel twist of fate that I’d meet the one person who could push me into accepting something like this when she can’t come with me.
I have to talk this over with her, and calling her isn’t going to cut it. I’ve given her five days, allowed her the space she needs, but I can’t wait any longer. I need to see her.
winter
With days left until my project is due, I’m furiously working on my final website, putting the finishing touches on it, testing it, fixing broken code. Trying not to think about everything stacked against me right now…all the uncertainty I’m facing. Trying to get by enough to focus on graduating. Just as my eyes are starting to blur from staring at my computer, my phone jolts me out of my trance. Expecting to see Cade’s name and warring with myself on whether or not I’ll answer, I’m surprised when a number I don’t recognize shows up. Knowing it could be one of the places I’ve submitted applications in a vain hope of landing a position, I answer.
“Winter? Hi, sugar, it’s Annette.” Her voice is so calm, so comforting, and I don’t realize I needed to hear it until I do.
“Hey, Annette.”
“How are you doing? Everything going okay?”
“Things are…” I take a deep breath. What can I say to her? That I’m struggling to get through my classes before I think about what is inevitable? That I’ve lost my way and I’m not sure how to find my path again? That, though I don’t want to, I fear I’ll have no choice but to ask for help?
“That bad, huh? You remember what I said. My place is always open to you.”
“I…don’t know if I could accept that, Annette.”
“That’s a bunch of bull, and you know it. You can. If you need to, you can. There’s no shame in taking a hand to help you up once in a while, sugar.”
If only it were that easy. If only I could look at it in terms of just a helping hand, not buckling into everything I’ve worked my whole life to stay away from. “Thank you for the offer.”
She’s quiet for a minute, like she wants to say more on the matter. Instead of pressing the issue, she asks, “How’s Cade doing after the other night? Can’t say I wasn’t glad for what he did.”
My entire body stills, my mind racing to figure out what she means. I swallow, my throat suddenly dry. “The other night?”
“When he came in to talk to Randy. I wish that asshole had left with a couple black eyes, but ten minutes alone in a room with Cade probably scared him enough even without the physical scars.”
A thousand possibilities bombard my mind—everything Cade promised me he wouldn’t do—and all I can manage is a short, “Yeah…”
“Well, I have to run. You remember what I said.”
The line disconnects, and I’m left staring at the phone, trying to process what she told me. Could I have misunderstood her? Was she talking about something that happened before I got fired? Before I explicitly told Cade not to go there? If she’s not…if he actually went there after everything I said…
I’m pulled out of my thoughts by a loud knock at the door. Without even looking, I know who’s there. The only person who’s ever come here for me, who
’s ever been invited into this part of my life. The only person I thought I could trust. And if what Annette said is true…if Cade went there…I can’t even trust him with my simple wishes, let alone my heart.
With hands shaky from uncertainty, I unhook the chain, turn the deadbolt, and open the door. He stands there, the bulk of his shoulders taking up nearly the width of the doorframe. His hazel eyes are open and alive, a hesitant smile touching the corners of his mouth, and how did I forget how beautiful he is in just a few short days?
“I was wondering if you’d avoid even answering the door.” He leans forward, pauses for only a moment, then sweeps his lips across mine. I close my eyes and turn away. If he notices my brush-off, he doesn’t mention it, instead walking into my apartment. “Figured showing up would be the only way to get you to talk to me. Why’ve you been avoiding my calls?”
I swallow, unable to answer him, to open up about my confusion over everything that’s been going on—not when all I can think about is what Annette told me. “Annette called me tonight.”
There’s no confusion on his face, no questioning in his eyes, and my heart sinks. Instead, his entire body goes taut, as if bracing for a fight, and everything I need to know is right in front of me. With barely restrained anger, I ask, “What did you do?”
Instead of denying it, instead of tiptoeing around the subject, pretending he doesn’t know what I’m talking about, he shrugs, arms crossed against his chest. “He didn’t leave there in an ambulance, so I’d say I held back.”
The last ounce of hope I held on to vanishes knowing he went against my explicit wishes and did everything I asked him not to. His promises to me…my wishes, my wants…mean nothing to him. And everything culminates to a point I can’t back away from. Being forced out of my job, having to work there in the first place.
Making rent.
Finals.
Graduation.
Cade.
My anger explodes out of me as I walk over and shove him against the chest. “Goddammit,” I spit. “I told you I didn’t need a knight in shining armor! You think I couldn’t handle it on my own? Did you think I slunk away like some scared little girl? I can take care of myself, and I don’t need you fighting my fucking battles for me!”
“Did you think I was just going to slink away after I found out what that motherfucker said to you, sit back and do nothing? That when I found out he told you to suck his dick, told my girlfriend to get on her goddamn knees, that I wasn’t going to do anything? That I’d just walk away and forget about it? Well, fuck. That. I’m not that man, Winter. I’ve never been that man.”
“I asked you to be that man. For me. You weren’t supposed to go there in the first place! You promised you’d leave it be. I told you I didn’t need you to rescue me. I don’t need anyone to rescue me. I can do it all on my own. I learned a long time ago that in the end, no one is going to be there but me.”
“I’m here. I’m right fucking here!” he shouts, his arms outstretched.
“But you won’t be!” I swallow, blowing out a breath as I grip my hair in my hands, clenching my eyes closed. Dropping my hands to my sides, I look back at him. “This isn’t permanent, Cade, what we have. This isn’t forever. You already proved that. Why bother, right?”
The fight drains out of him, his eyes full of regret. “I didn’t mean that, Winter. They were just words. I was pissed off, and I shouldn’t have said it. I’m sorry.”
I shake my head. “Maybe they were just words. But someday they’re not going to be. Someday, you’re going to get sick of me, sick of my bullshit, and you’re going to leave. And that’s fine. I’ve accepted it. But you have to let me keep my goddamn identity in the meantime. Because when you’re gone, it’s just me. Only me.”
He walks a tight circle, his hands folded behind his head, his elbows bent and biceps bulging, his muscles tight. Spinning around to face me again, he asks, “Where the hell is this coming from?”
“Where isn’t it coming from? This is me, Cade.” I stretch my arms out wide. “This is who I’ve always been. It’s who I’ve been for as long as I can remember.”
He walks to me, takes my face in his hands, and God, I’ve missed him. I’ve missed the scent of him, his body eclipsing everything in my sight except for his eyes and his mouth and his perfect words. “It doesn’t have to be. I’m here, baby,” he says, his thumbs rubbing over my jaw. “Why can’t you let me be here for you?”
Because I can’t. Because I sabotage anything good that comes into my life. Because I can’t settle into being happy, can never get comfortable. Because I’m too used to anxiety and pain and barely scraping by and he is everything, everything, and I can’t.
I step out of his arms, and I watch as they drop to his sides. Piece by piece, I stack the bricks up again, erecting the wall he somehow crumbled in the short time we knew each other. I don’t want this to be about me and how broken I am, so I turn the tables, moving the focus to him. “You’ve got this tough armor you’ve painted on you, the tattoos covering your arms, the piercing, every single bit of you screams back off, Cade. Why is that? You’re just as scared as I am of letting people in. We just wear our armors differently.”
“No. No. You don’t get to push this back on me. I let you in from day fucking one. I never lied to you. I never pretended to be something I wasn’t.”
“I didn’t either! You knew from the beginning who I was, and it was your choice to pursue this.”
“So this is my fault now? I pursued you because I knew there was something there. I felt it. I know you feel it, too, even if you don’t say it.”
I bite my lip hard, choking on my words, refusing to let any escape, because he’s right. I feel it. And feeling that is the exact reason I’m in this spot in the first place.
“Fine, you want to know why I have these?” He holds his arms out to me. “You want to know what they mean? What kind of armor they are for me? They’re a hundred reminders of what I lost. What was taken from me too early. What could be taken from me. Of everyone I’ve ever loved or lost. Every day I think about who was taken from my life, and everyone I have left to lose. I’m not going to let you be one of them.”
I swallow, crossing my arms over my chest, holding myself together. My voice is flat, controlled. “You don’t have a choice.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t walk away. I love you. Did you hear me when I said that? I wasn’t bullshitting my way into your pants. I wasn’t trying to get something out of you. I love you. Just how you are. Every bit of you.”
“You don’t know every bit of me.”
“Well, how the hell can I when you keep everything bottled up so fucking tightly? I love you in spite of the fact I know nothing about your past. Nothing.”
“Exactly. You know nothing about it. You don’t know all the shit I’ve gone through in my life to get me here. Why I am the way I am, why I only depend on myself—why I have to depend only on myself. And why I don’t need some Prince Charming to swoop in and save me.”
“Tell me then! I’m standing here right now waiting for you to tell me. I’ve been here for two months waiting for you to catch up. I’ve been patient; I’ve never once pushed you. Well, you want me to push? Fine, I’ll fucking push. You’re the one who’s keeping a lid on it, Winter. You’re the one with the key to your own cage. You’re the one keeping yourself locked up tight.”
His face, his rigid stance, the red pooling in his cheeks, the pain in his eyes…it all crashes over me, crushing my restraint, and everything I never wanted him to know comes pouring out of me. “What is it you want to hear, Cade? You want me to tell you all about my childhood? About what life was like before I came here, before I was scraping to get by? Whether my life was better or worse than a shitty studio apartment and ramen noodles every night and men grabbing me just so I could pay my goddamn rent? Well, guess what? This has been a fucking cakewalk.
“You want to hear about how I got bounced around from house to house in a state system th
at didn’t want me any more than my own fucking mother? Or maybe you’d rather hear about how she left me. That’s a great story. How when I was seven, she brought me to the grocery store, told me I could get whatever kind of ice cream I wanted. I thought it was a treat. A special occasion. I never got ice cream. Hell, I barely got bread, so I was ecstatic for this. She held my hand, pulled me into the aisle, set me in front of the rows of freezers, and told me to pick whatever I wanted. Anything at all that I wanted. And then she told me she had to run to the bathroom and she’d be right back.
“Yeah, that look in your eyes right there is exactly why I didn’t tell you. You’ve already figured out the end of the story, haven’t you? But me? Seven-year-old me? Do you know how long I walked that aisle picking out the perfect flavor of ice cream? Not the one I wanted, but the one I thought she’d like too? Do you know how long I stood there, waiting for her to come back? The back lights went off. The manager was doing the nightly sweep of the store and came across me. Four fucking hours later.” I swallow, staring into his eyes so full of sorrow and pity and helplessness, and I hate that look.
“The worst part was I thought it was a mistake. When I was at the police station waiting, I thought she’d show up any minute. Even after I got tossed in a temporary group home with half a dozen other kids, I thought she was coming for me. And I wanted her to, because even though she was the kind of mother I wouldn’t wish on anyone, the kind who forgot to feed me most days, who dragged me with her while she bounced from boyfriend to boyfriend, crashing wherever we could, she was all I knew and I wanted her back. Even after all that, I wanted her back.”
[Reluctant Hearts 01.0] Caged in Winter Page 19