[Reluctant Hearts 01.0] Caged in Winter

by Brighton Walsh

  I shake my head, dropping my hands to my side, all the fight in me falling away. “But she wasn’t coming back. After so long of not being able to contact her, I was finally declared property of the state. That has a real ring to it, doesn’t it? Winter Jacobson, property of the state of California.”

  His jaw is clenched, his eyes haunted from the stories I just shared. Except they’re not stories. They’re me. My life. My history. And they’ll always be a part of what makes me who I am, no matter what I do. No matter where I go or how far I run, I can’t escape them. This baggage will be saddled on my back for the rest of my life.

  “So that’s it. That’s why I am the way I am. That’s my whole sob story. That’s why I’m broken, Cade. And that’s why I can’t do this with you.”

  I turn and walk to the door, twisting the handle and holding it open for him. I ignore the rawness of my throat, the burning behind my eyes, the ache of my heart. “I think it’s time for you to leave.”

  “No, Winter, wait. I don’t care about that. I love you, just how you are, regardless of what happened fifteen years ago. It doesn’t matter to me.” His hands are on my face again, holding me so I have no choice but to stare straight at him. His voice is so sure, his eyes so beseeching, that I almost give in to him, almost fall into his arms, let them come around me and comfort me how I know they would.

  Almost.

  I close my eyes, step away from his touch. “It matters to me.”

  Twenty-Six

  cade

  The muffled sounds of Jason’s grunts register, but I’m too far gone to stop. I land another blow to the punching bag as he steadies it, my arms burning, sweat dripping from my temples and down my back, but I can’t stop. I can’t because Winter’s still consuming my thoughts. When I wake up, she’s there. When I try to sleep, the fresh summer scent of her still on my fucking pillow, she’s there. She’s in my head and my heart and I can’t fucking stop.

  When I land a roundhouse kick to the bag, Jason groans. “Jesus, Cade, I didn’t break up with you. Quit taking this shit out on me.”

  “You’re the one who wanted to come over.” I slam my fists into the bag again. “If you can’t handle holding the bag for me, get the fuck out.”

  He’s quiet, the kind of quiet that’s weighted, and after a couple more halfhearted punches, I sigh and turn away. With quick movements I unwrap the tape protecting my hands. I grab the towel I brought downstairs and drag it roughly over my face and hair before straddling the weight bench, my elbows resting on my knees.

  Jason ignores me, moving over to the free weights, and begins lifting.

  “Sorry I’m being a dick,” I say.

  He shrugs, his attention focused on his task. “After thirteen years, I’m used to it.”

  “Still. Sorry. I’m just… Fuck.” I groan, closing my eyes and falling back to lie on the bench. “She’s not answering my calls. Again.”

  “Look, man, I’m the last person who should be giving you relationship advice, but maybe you should give her some breathing room, you know? You can come on a little strong.” He finally cracks a smile when I snort at his oversimplification. “I’m just saying, from what I know of her, from what you’ve told me, this probably isn’t the way to go about winning her back. You breathing fire down her neck probably isn’t helping the situation any.”

  And the thing is, I know he’s right. But how can I just…stop? Just turn it off and step back? “How can I walk away? How am I supposed to back off? I’m in love with her. I don’t give a shit about her past—none of it matters to me.”

  He grunts as he continues with his reps. Once he completes his set, he asks, “Have you tried the grand gesture?”

  My eyebrows shoot up to my hairline. “The fuck do you know about grand gestures?”

  “Don’t you remember in seventh grade when Tess made us watch 10 Things I Hate About You over and over again just for that fucking serenade?”

  I smile, thinking back to what life was like then. My dad had been gone for a few years, and we were finally settling into the swing of things. We were okay. Happy. Before fate threw us another curve ball with my mom’s cancer and fucked up everything. “Yeah, but I don’t think Winter would go for serenading.”

  “Sorry, bro, I’m out of ideas then. Unless you think you can fuck her into forgiveness. In that case, I have lots of ideas.”

  “Of course you do.”

  He laughs. “But seriously. Just give her a little time. Maybe she’ll come around.”

  Or maybe she won’t. Maybe more time away will only solidify the crazy idea she has that she has to do everything on her own. That I can’t be there for her…to help her or support her. That we’re destined for failure and heartbreak. I can hear the doubt in my voice when I answer. “Yeah.”

  “Okay,” he says as he sets the weights down. “We need to get you drunk.”

  I snort. “Yeah, because I’m not already going to fuck up everything tomorrow with my final.”

  “Fine, not shit-faced. You make me something to eat, I’ll make a beer run. We don’t even have to go out.”

  Before I can decline, he heads toward the stairs and runs up them two at a time. Over his shoulder, he yells, “And you better shower before I get back. You smell like ass.”

  Maybe Jason was on to something with getting me drunk. No matter what I do, what I preoccupy myself with, I can’t stop thinking about the decisions I need to make. About the offer Mark made me. Whether or not I could do it…could up and leave everything—everyone—here.

  Top that off with the decision Winter already made for the both of us that’s always present, hovering in the background, and I’m a complete fucking wreck.

  “How come you so sad, Uncle Cade?”

  I glance up from julienning some carrots to see Haley leaning forward on the breakfast bar, perched on her knees in the chair. Her eyes are so curious, so free of judgment…how can I ever leave her?

  “Not sad, short stuff, just concentrating.”

  “What’s that mean?”

  “Concentrating? It means I’m thinking really hard.”

  “’Bout what?”

  “Well, lots of things. I’m almost done with school, and that means a lot of work.”

  “You want me to color you a picture? Mama got me a new princesses color book.”

  For the first time in what feels like days, I smile. “I would love a princess picture.”

  “’Kay!” She climbs down off the stool and tears off to her room, returning not even thirty seconds later, her coloring book flopping as she runs, crayons flying out of the open jar she keeps them in.

  “Slow down, I’ll still want it in twenty minutes.” I laugh as she scrambles to pick everything up, then starts the serious task of choosing the perfect picture to color for me.

  The back door opens and Tessa strolls in, arms full with magazines and hair books or whatever they are. “Hey,” she says to me, dropping the load at the dining room table. She walks over, tips Haley’s face back, and peppers it with a dozen kisses. “Hey, baby.”

  “Hi, Mama. I’m coloring a picture for Uncle Cade.”

  “I see that. It’s very pretty. You know how much he loves pink and purple.”

  Haley nods as I snort, her eyes focused again on her coloring book, back to ignoring the grown-ups.

  “What’s all that?” I ask, gesturing to the pile she dumped on the table.

  “Paige is coming over later. I have some techniques I want to try.” She grabs one of the grapes I set out earlier for Haley and pops it into her mouth, leaning her hip against the counter as she studies me. “What about you? What’ve you got going on tonight?”

  This is her delicate way of asking me if anything new is happening with Winter. After I snapped at her the last time she asked outright, she stopped. It doesn’t do much to alleviate my irritation, though, when I know exactly what she’s getting at.

  “Jason invited himself over. He’s bringing beer.”

  “We
ll, if there’s anything he’s good for, it’s cheering you up.” She hovers, picking at the grapes, and I know she has something heavy to say. I don’t prod, partially because I’m not even sure I want to hear it. I continue my knife cuts, not looking up at her as she finds the words. When she does, it’s exactly what I knew she was going to ask. “Have you decided yet? About the job in Chicago?”

  I pause, knife mid-stroke, before I pick back up again, slicing through the carrots, my cuts getting less and less accurate. When I give a sharp shake of my head, she heaves a sigh.

  “Cade…”

  Before she can say anything else, I ask, “You really think this is the best time for this conversation?” With a pointed stare, I look at Haley. Of course, I should’ve known that wasn’t going to dissuade Tess.

  “Baby, why don’t you go into your room and finish it? That way it’ll be a special surprise for Uncle Cade.”

  “Good idea, Mama!”

  When Haley is out of the room, only one lone crayon left behind in her wake, Tessa stares at me, arms crossed against her chest. “Well.”

  I set down the knife and rest my hands against the counter, my shoulders bunched, head dropped. “I don’t know, Tess.”

  “What’s there to know? For as long as I can remember, this is what you’ve talked about. Why aren’t you running to Mark and telling him fuck yes, you want this?”

  “Of course I want it, but I want it here. Yes, it might be temporary, but what if it’s not? What if the owner decides against opening something back here?”

  “Then you’re living in Chicago, being this badass sous chef, still working your way up to executive chef. It’s not like this job is the end of the line for you. It’s just a stop. One stop.”

  “It’d be easier if that stop wasn’t away from you guys.”

  She moves around the island, standing next to me as she puts her arm around my waist, her hip bumping mine. “I know. And it’ll be hard and will suck, but it’s not like it’s the other side of the world. It’s only a few hours away. We can even meet halfway sometimes.”

  “Yeah.”

  “You’re still not convinced.”

  Looking down at the counter, I shake my head.

  She blows out a breath and steps away, going into the dining room and gathering her stuff. “Well, I can’t make the decision for you. I can only be here to support whatever you decide. But, Cade? For what it’s worth, I think you should take it. In fact, I think you’d be stupid not to take it. Haley and I…we’ll be okay.”

  “You keep saying that, but how are you going to be able to do all this on your own? Like tomorrow when I’m taking her in the morning because of your class, or some night when you have to stay late because of a client or you want to go on a date. How are you going to work that?”

  She rolls her eyes and huffs. “Just like every other single parent does. Before- and after-school care. Babysitters. Friends.” She shifts everything to one arm and points at me while narrowing her eyes. “Also, can I say how shitty it is that you’re putting this all on us? I don’t want to live with the guilt that my choices kept you from following your dream. That’s not fair.”

  My entire body deflates, the rigid stance I’m in melting away at her words. “You know that’s not my intent.”

  “It doesn’t matter if it is or not. It’s how it feels to me.” Her eyes soften and turn pleading as she stares at me. “At least just go to the interview. You don’t have to make a decision then. If you get offered the job, we can talk about it more. What do you have to lose?”

  What do I have to lose? What don’t I have to lose? True, I’d be gaining knowledge in my chosen field and it’d be an amazing opportunity. But I’d also be leaving behind everyone who means anything to me.

  winter

  The minutes have turned into hours, the hours turning into days, and I’ve run out of time. Where before, the days couldn’t come fast enough, now all I want is a pause button to freeze time so I can get things together. Get myself together. I have to make a decision, and I’m not ready. I wanted to do this all on my own, to get by without anyone’s help, and all this past week has shown me is that I’ve been fooling myself all along. For the second time in my life, I’m not going to have a choice in the matter, in the fact that I’m going to be a parasite, living off someone else. And I hate that I let this happen.

  I hate myself for falling in love, and I hate Cade for being so perfect, for making me want things I can’t have. Things I should never have.

  I wonder how much I can take before I finally break. How many battles I can fight before I feel completely and utterly useless. In the span of one week, I’ve lost my job, the ability to pay my own way, and the only man I’ve ever loved.

  Though the term lost isn’t entirely accurate. No, I didn’t lose him. I pushed him away with both hands, shoving as hard as I could. Because I was scared. Scared of what it’d mean to let him in, to let him help.

  And now I’m no better off. I’m still in the same shitty position, in need of help, and now I’m without Cade. And it’s my own damn fault. The only thing allowing me to reach out to Annette, to ask, is the knowledge that it’s not permanent. It’s a helping hand, like she said, instead of my perpetual savior swooping in once again, wanting to save me at every turn.

  My apartment is empty around me, the handful of belongings I had to my name already sold off for quick cash to fellow students looking to furnish new places. Sitting on the floor, I’m holding on to the napkin Annette gave me. I run my fingers over the indentation of her pen strokes, trying to work up the courage to just pick up the phone and call. Knowing I don’t have a choice.

  I’ve exhausted all my options. After nearly four years, I almost made it, but I can’t quite cross the finish line. Not on my own. Though I wanted to, though I had every intention to, I just can’t do it on my own anymore.

  I look around at my shitty apartment, at the place I’ve fought tooth and nail for, the place I’ve called home for years, having to work full-time while juggling a full course load, and the fight drains out of me. Dialing Annette’s number, I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and let go of my pride.

  cade

  By the time Jason shows up, my mind isn’t any clearer, even after talking with Tessa. She makes it sound so easy, that I should just be able to up and leave. After everything we’ve lost, we’re all we have left. She and Haley…they mean everything to me. How can I just walk away, whatever the reason?

  I wish I could talk to Winter about it. I want her input, her no bullshit advice, even though I know what she’d tell me. She’d tell me the same thing she already did when we were talking about our dreams. She’d tell me to go, even if that meant leaving her behind.

  I’m already tense when Jason waltzes into the living room, and hearing him running his mouth into the phone he’s carrying doesn’t help my mood.

  “. . . still being a whiny asshole about it.” He looks up and gives me a grin before dropping onto the couch next to me. “Fuck if I know. I already told him to do the grand gesture thing, but he’s not too fond of serenading her apparently.” He waits, listening to whoever is on the other line, though from the content of his call, I’d bet money it’s Adam. They always were like a couple of gossiping old women. “Hey, if you think you can do better, by all means…” He tosses the phone into my lap, then stands. On the way to the kitchen, he calls over his shoulder, “You ate without me, didn’t you, fucker? Whatever, I’ll forage.”

  I try my best to ignore him and put the phone up to my ear. “Yeah.”

  “Jase tells me you’re crying over a girl, and I need confirmation on that, because we both know what a liar he is. And I think we also both know how improbable it is for you to be pussy-whipped.”

  With a falsely cheerful tone, I say, “Hi, Adam. How lovely to hear from you.”

  “Cut the shit. Is it true?”

  I drop my head to the back of the couch and close my eyes, my voice muffled as I run a hand over my
face. “Yep.”

  “Shit, man. I was just there over spring break. What the fuck happened between then and now?”

  A girl with light in her eyes and sparks under her skin swept her way into my life, and I’m not the same. “She happened. Winter happened.”

  “Well, what the hell’s going on now? Why are you moping like a pre-pubescent boy?”

  “I am not moping.” I glare at Jason when he comes back in with a plate full of leftovers, rebutting my words with an emphatic nod as he sits down. “Fuck you,” I say to them both.

  “Put him on speaker,” Jason says around a mouthful of food. He grabs the phone from me and drops it on the cushion between us, the speaker activated. “You need an intervention.”

  Before I can say anything, Jase continues, “Hey, Adam, did you know Mark also gave him the opportunity to interview to be a sous chef?”

  “No shit? That’s amazing, Cade. When’s the interview?”

  “That’s just it. He hasn’t decided if he even wants to.”

  I don’t even know why I’m here for this fucking intervention if they’re just going to have a conversation with each other.

  After a few moments of silence from the other end of the line, Adam speaks up, his voice serious. “What’s going on, man?”

  With a deep sigh, I say, “The restaurant is in Chicago.”

  “Okay…” The question in Adam’s tone is undeniable.

  “Why doesn’t anyone else see the issues with this?”

  “Is this about Tess and Haley?” Adam asks. “Jesus, Cade, you have to quit babying her. She’s an adult with a child for fuck’s sake. I think she can get along without her big brother watching her every move.”

  “It’s not about that—”

  “It is. It is, and you know it. It’s been four years, man. It’s okay to move on.”

  I cringe at the casual reference to my mom’s death. They were both there through the whole thing, helping me out whenever they could, but they weren’t here. They didn’t live it the way I did. The way Tess and I did. And they sure as fuck didn’t hear the last conversation I had with my mother, when I promised to watch out for Tessa. And that was before Haley came along. So yeah, I took it seriously. How could I not?