by C. L. Stone
He nuzzled my forehead with his nose. “I understand. It’s sudden and there’s so much going on. Maybe I should have waited. I didn’t want to. I’m not very good at waiting.”
How long had he been waiting to ask? I didn’t want to make him feel bad about asking. Isn’t that what he was telling me? To be honest about what I was feeling? I dipped my head down, pressing my fingers to my lips, summoning the courage to say something to clarify things and not disappoint him. “I’ve never been out with anyone. I mean I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.”
“Well,” he said, shifting to sit up a little. I pulled back so I was sitting beside him. His hand found mine, our fingers intertwined. His eyes remained on our hands so I watched our hands, too, assuming that was what I was supposed to do. “First you pick a place. I’ll complain that it’s girly but I’ll take you there anyway because I want to impress you.” His tone was matter of fact, as if explaining how to operate a can opener.
I started giggling, shaking my head. “Victor...”
“And then you complain about what to wear. You’ll try on a hundred different dresses and go back to the first one you put on. I’ll pick you up in my car and we’ll go to some place that we’ll both hate. It’ll probably be some restaurant where the waiter flirts with you and I have to beat him up.”
I rolled my head back, laughing. Victor was always so quiet and reserved that listening to this side of him was melting my heart.
His fire eyes sparked against the green glow around us. “And then we’ll go see a show, a foreign film in a language neither of us understands. We’ll annoy the other people watching by making up the lines as the movie goes on.”
“Aw,” I said against my laughter. “They’ll be mad at us. They might kick us out”
“You’re right,” he said, tilting his head as if pondering the problem. His thumb started drifting over the back of my hand. “Maybe I should just buy out the movie theater for the night.”
I tucked my head back against his shoulder, snickering against him. “No, you’ve spent enough on me.”
“Are you kidding? I haven’t even started yet.”
I picked my head up, grinning. “No,” I complained. “No more spending money.”
He gripped my hand tighter, smirking. “You don’t like it?”
Did he want me to be honest now? “I don’t want you to spend money on me.”
His smile brightened. “Good.”
My mouth popped open. “What do you mean, good?”
“That’s the first thing you’ve honestly told me you wanted without me prying it from you.”
I bit my lower lip, contemplating his meaning. I tried to recall everything I’d ever talked to him about, but with him next to me, it was difficult to think at all.
He picked my hand up, pressing our palms together between us. “Too bad I won’t listen,” he said.
I scoffed, pulling my hand away. “Victor...”
He laughed but stopped short, stiffening next to me. “No, no, no...” he pleaded as he leaned forward again, hauling out his phone from his back pocket and swiping at the face. “Always perfect timing.”
“Academy?” I asked.
He nodded, sighing, tucking his phone away again. “I’m sorry. I can’t stay.”
“What’s going on? It’s not fighting, is it?”
He sat up, reaching for the wall. There was a click and the rose sconces lit up over our heads again. “No, not really. Something’s broken and I have to fix it.”
“Right now?”
He turned back to me; his fire eyes met mine and started to blaze. “Yeah,” he said softly, “right now. I wouldn’t leave unless I had to.”
I rubbed absentmindedly at a spot on my cheek. “Oh I know, I didn’t mean... sorry.”
His hand found mine, taking it in his and squeezing gently. “If I don’t get a chance to come back, I’ll see you on Monday.”
I smiled, trying to bottle my desire to ask him to stay. I knew better. “Hurry and go before you get in trouble.”
He smirked, rolled his eyes, stumbling out of the bean bag chair onto the carpet. I dragged myself up on my hands and knees, intending to follow him out but he stopped short on the stairs. He turned, his head almost smacking into mine.
I pulled back. “What?”
The edge of his mouth curled up. “I lied to you before.”
My mouth opened in response. Lied?
His hand drifted above my head. I thought he was reaching to pull me into another hug and without thinking, I leaned forward, expectant.
“There was one more thing,” he said, flashing a smile. There was another click as he pressed a button on the wall. Music spilled out around us from unseen speakers.
Mysterious from Yuko Ohigashi.
“I’ll see myself out. Stay. Have fun. Call me. No wait, I’ll call you. I promise,” he said this while rushing to crawl out to my bedroom, opening the door a crack to take a peek out. He turned back to me once, waved and disappeared behind the attic door.
My heart raced. It was the first time I’d been alone in days. The realization settled into me like ice trailing down my spine.
Yet as the piano music tinkered around me like a music box, my eyes fell again on the faces of Kota, Gabriel, Luke, North, Victor, Silas and Nathan, along with a few of Mr. Blackbourne and Dr. Green in the photographs that surrounded me. The spot beside me was still warm, still smelled like berries and moss. The phone in my bra, over my heart, felt more like a connection. All I had to do was call. They’d promised. I’d promised.
I was never alone.
Hoping and Changing
Sang Baby, yes you can,” North urged through the phone as I curled up tighter in the bean bag chair. “You’re not going to break it. If you do, I’ll fix it. Touch what you want.”
I’d hardly moved since Victor left a couple of hours ago. I couldn’t stop staring at the photos and when I could finally swallow my heart down from my throat, I called North first to thank him. Only the first thing I’d said was instead of thank you, I admitted I was afraid to touch the things around me.
“I don’t know where to start,” I said.
“You’re in the beanbag chair, aren’t you?” he asked, the hint of teasing in his voice. “You’ve already started.”
That was a good point. I knew I was being stupid but I was being honest. “It’s amazing.”
Pause. “I’m glad you like it.”
“I can’t believe you got them to put stars up,” I said, reaching to flick off the light. The darkness swallowed me up, my senses tingling as the stars started to glow. I recalled the night he came to my window, helping me escape to join him on the roof as we stared up at the stars together. That, too, felt like a long time ago, even though it’d only been a few weeks. “I can’t believe you told them about...”
“I didn’t tell them why.”
My heart stopped. “What do you mean?”
“I thought we should keep our first date to ourselves.”
I inhaled, catching my breath and nearly jumped to sit up straight. Did he mean it? Was that what it was? A date! I’d been on one and I never knew. “North...”
“I know it wasn’t ideal.”
“It was perfect.” After I said it, I realized I’d acknowledged it was a date and that I really liked it. The first I was unsure about, the latter... at least I could say I was being honest there.
Did I lie to Victor? Maybe it didn’t count since I didn’t know it was a date.
North chuckled on the phone, his deep voice made it seem like the phone was rattling in my hand, or perhaps it was my own trembling. “You’re easy to please, but next time maybe we’ll go to the beach instead. I did promise.”
“Are you going to have time?” I asked, hoping he wasn’t going to ask me to do it soon. I needed time to think. “I mean with the diner starting and football and school.”
“I think I can spare a few minutes,” he said, his tone implying something serious,
intense as I imagined his eyes were.
Had I said the wrong thing? Maybe he thought I was questioning his ability to keep up with it all. “Maybe more than a few minutes?” I asked, trying to be funny.
A longer pause. “I’d come for you now,” he said, causing my heart to race. He continued, “But neither of us slept well last night, and I don’t want you tired at school.”
I swallowed. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing,” he said. “Your nightmares aren’t your fault.”
“Well they kind of are,” I said, smiling in the dark. “I do dream them.”
He groaned. “Will you shut up and go touch your shit, please?”
“North?”
“What?”
I bit my lip, unsure. “Do you still like me?”
He huffed. “Yes.”
A warmth rippled through me.
“Do you still like me?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Go play with your stuff. And call me if you have any more nightmares. And when I say call, I don’t mean the next morning. I mean when you have them. And call me about any dream. I don’t care if it’s a nightmare or not.”
“How are either of us going to sleep if I’m calling and waking you up?”
“Sang,” he said, his tone going dark. “If you don’t go touch your things, I’m coming back and I’m going to pilfer through all your pretty stuff and leave dirty fingerprints all over it.”
Now who was deflecting? “Fine.”
When I hung up, I lingered on the chair for only a moment. I wanted to get up to check on my mother. I’d done it a couple of times with the new app on my phone, but I didn’t really trust it yet. According to the video, she was sleeping. The image was surreal, looking in on her from across the room where they’d installed the camera.
I was also getting a cramp in my back from being curled up, inhaling what I could of Victor’s scent while he was gone. Why was it so addictive? Why did my heart thud so much thinking of the gold chain on my wrist, or the way he looked so happy after I almost-promised to go out on a date with him? What would I say to him next time, knowing North wanted the same thing? How could I tell Kota or any of the others? North wanted to keep the first date a secret, what about the second?
Because of those questions, I’d hesitated calling anyone else. I couldn’t take anyone else asking surprising questions when I hadn’t had time to process everything.
I flicked the light back on and I slipped out of the chair, spilling out onto the carpet in a purposeful fall. I stretched out across the deep blueness, feeling the luxury of the padding and fibers tickling my skin. The carpet was new. The carpet was for me. It was our secret and for that reason, it made it feel too special. Surreal.
I crawled over to the wardrobe, opening it up and gazing in at the clothes. I wondered who organized it. Who folded the underwear into such neat piles? I could only guess that it might have been Gabriel. The underwear matched the hanging shorts and skirts and shirts. As I studied it more, I realized he’d paired up everything for me. He was directing me without being here to tell me.
The top of the wardrobe was carved with the same flower and little hearts as the bookshelf. My fingers traced the leaves and a few of the hearts mixed in.
I crawled over to the door, spilling out onto the mauve carpet. At least that was the same.
I stood up, attracted to the bed and drawing back the cover. I groaned and then lit up with pleasure when underneath were brand new, deep pink cotton sheets. It was almost too strong a color, but I really liked it. I slipped between them, burying my head in what I was sure was a new pillow, plump and fresh. The bed was firm, a huge difference from my old one. Would anyone really notice? Would my mother?
With that thought, I sighed, forcing myself to go downstairs to find her. I checked the app one more time to ensure she wasn’t walking around before I got up and left my room.
The hallway was empty, as I’d expected thanks to the camera app. Still, I tiptoed down the back stairs, around the living room and through the kitchen to approach my parents’ hallway as quietly as possible.
Inside her bedroom, she rested in her bed, where I’d last seen her. She was sweating again. I wondered if she ate. I forgot to ask Nathan, but I assumed he’d say something if she hadn’t. I wondered about calling Dr. Green to see if I should do something for her but I wasn’t sure what else to do.
On my toes, I drew into the room. I gazed up and to my right, where there was the short hallway. The hallway contained three doors, one on the left and one on the right were matching walk-in closets and the back door was a bathroom. I’d only seen the inside once, the day we moved in. The door was open now. The hunter green carpet was a contrast to the beige of their bedroom carpet. The shower rod had a hunter green curtain hanging from it. The same ivy plant border wallpaper that was in the main bedroom was in the bathroom as well, blending the styles.
This room was different to me, too, somehow. Was it a lingering scent of the boys in the room? Was it that I knew there was a camera and at some point the boys might turn it on at any time? Were they watching now? Victor had promised they wouldn’t unless absolutely necessary, but I’d used it a couple of times already in the few hours I’d been home. How easy would it be for them to blink it on? Would I ever know for sure?
Is this what they lived with every day? Was this what it meant to be part of the Academy?
My mother stirred behind me. Years of habit kicked in. I slipped back out into the main hallway, avoiding confrontation.
It felt like eons since I’d last seen her. Something struck me, though. My father was gone. Marie wasn’t there right now. She’d been alone. While she was watched over, she didn’t know it. I didn’t understand why she did it to herself. When there were people out there like Kota and others who could care for someone else, why would someone choose to be alone? Was she happy? Despite her illness, did she like that her world consisted of doctors, two daughters she barely said a word to and a husband who was never home?
I didn’t think she could be happy. Yet every time I talked to her, she reprimanded, demanded and punished. I thought of Marie. Did Marie worry? Did she know how bad our mother’s illness was? Maybe she didn’t, or she would check in more often. Maybe she should know.
Maybe the guys could help. Maybe if I asked, they could figure out why my mother avoided people and could figure out a way to help her. Didn’t Kota promise to try the first day we ever met? Yes. He did. Maybe they weren’t just protecting me. Maybe they would help. Or maybe they would do more if I asked, like Victor said. And they didn’t have to do anything, really. If they could tell me what to do, I’d do it.
Maybe my mother could relax and learn to like other people. If that were true, we wouldn’t have to sneak around. Maybe we could be normal, or at least normal enough that she could be happy. Maybe she could get better.
Get family in order. That’s what Kota said. I vowed to myself that the next chance I got to talk with them seriously, I’d try to bring that up. Maybe if they had the time, they could help me figure out what to do. Maybe then, when I was in order, I could become part of their family, too, and I would feel it as much as they did with each other. The very idea excited me to no end. I wanted to get started now.
I padded to the kitchen to make my mother some soup.
Sleepless
That evening, I was still awake at eleven, staring at the ceiling in the dark from between the sheets of my new bed. I wore new red shorts and a white tank top from Victoria's Secret. I’d thanked everyone by text and phone calls. I even sent a text to Victor, thanking him again. He never replied, but I assumed he was still doing Academy business.
As I stared off into the dark, I knew Marie was home. She snuck in around nine and went straight to her room. I followed her using the app on my phone. She was in bed now, clothes laid out on the chair nearby for school the next day. Spying was becoming a creepy habit.
I tossed. I turned. I enjoy
ed the comfort of the new bed. I was far too excited, overwhelmed by what they had done for me. Strangely, I was also lonely. I’d had other people next to me all week and now, my first night alone to give me some peace and without the risk, I was missing them all.
I sat up, suddenly attracted to the window. I got out of bed and sat on my old trunk to gaze out into the evening. Kota’s car wasn’t back in its place. Was he working late? Was Victor with him?
I turned back to the bed, ready to give it another go and forget trying to call or bother anyone, when I realized this might be exactly what the others meant when they said to talk to them if I needed anything. Didn’t Silas command me to call when I was lonely? Hadn’t North, Kota and the others constantly nagged me to call for anything? Only I didn’t want to call anyone over. It was late. They were probably all sleeping. Except for Kota, who was gone and working.
I sighed, coming up with an idea but unsure if I should do it. Without giving it another thought, afraid if I did, I’d slip back into bed and forget the whole thing, I opened my bedroom door, stepping barefoot into the hallway.
♥♥♥
I skulked my way through Nathan’s yard. I had never met his father and I didn’t want to get caught in his yard in case he did happen to be home. My heart thundered through me, until I was shaking on my toes.
The air held a crispness as a wind picked up from the ocean nearby, sweeping my hair into my eyes. I breathed in the salt, remembering Silas’s cologne. Part of me wanted to stand there and soak in the night. Maybe I should have talked to North. Would he have taken me to the beach? Did I want him to?
I found Nathan’s window and tapped at it lightly with a finger. He’d surprised me at my window before. I thought it was fair I got the chance to do so to him. Besides, I was worried if I’d called to ask, he’d tell me not to risk it. The truth was, I didn’t want to sleep in my room tonight. I wasn’t sure why. Maybe I wasn’t used to the cameras. Maybe I was too excited by all the new things. All I knew was, I wasn’t going to sleep there. Not tonight.