by C. L. Stone
When I woke again, it was a dream that had me tossing and moaning in my bed. I sat up quickly, glancing at the clock. I was running late. I had become too used to one of the boys being there in the morning to wake me.
I jumped up, grabbing my phone and forced a text as I scrambled for clothes to wear and headed to the bathroom.
Sang: North, I had a dream but I’m running late. Tell you at school?
North didn’t reply before I managed to get ready. I was barely aware of Marie moving in the house, getting ready herself. I zipped downstairs and out the door.
Kota was parked in the drive. I ran out, but he popped out of the car, ran around and opened the door for me.
I blushed. “Thank you,” I said.
He beamed. “You’re welcome. And good morning.”
He shut the door for me, dashed around the car and got in, putting the car into reverse.
At the same time, my phone buzzed in my shirt. I yanked it out, hitting the button.
“Tell me,” North said.
I side-glanced at Kota, who looked curiously at me but re-focused on the road. I was slightly embarrassed that Kota was listening now. I was almost used to calling North about the dreams. I couldn’t keep North waiting. “There were zombies,” I said, trying to remember exactly what it was.
“And?” North asked.
“And I was with a group of people in a house trying to sit it out until dawn. The other people were getting anxious. One went ballistic, opening the door and running out into the zombies. I was trying to close the door, but once he went, the others wanted to go, too. I tried to talk them out of it, but I woke up as the last of them started running out the door.”
“So you were talking and no one was listening to you,” he said.
“I guess so.” And zombies! Gross!
“Were the others fighting and surviving as they left?”
“What do you mean?”
North yawned into the phone. “I mean, were you afraid for their safety, but then when they got outside, they were fine in the end?”
I tried to remember. “I don’t know. They dashed out and disappeared. I thought they were going to get eaten.”
“Do you know for sure they wouldn’t have gotten eaten if they stayed in the house?”
“No.”
“Maybe they knew something you didn’t.”
“What are you saying?”
“Maybe you need to trust other people to be able to make their own decisions,” he said.
That might have been true about me, but in the dream, it didn’t seem like the case. “I thought if they all stayed in the house, we’d all make it.”
“You can’t save everyone,” he said. “You also can’t make choices for everyone else. Maybe instead of telling them what to do, like stay in the house where you thought it was safe, you should have asked what they knew. Go on a little faith that they’re probably smarter than you give them credit for. They probably felt they had a good reason to run off.”
I sucked in a breath, glancing at Kota. He smiled encouragingly at me, looking curious and waiting patiently for his turn to ask me what it was all about.
North was probably right, and I knew he wasn’t referring to the dream any more. He meant the dream reflected my real life, and more than likely them, since they were practically my world now.
“Sang Baby,” North said.
“Yeah?”
“You’re going with us Friday?”
“Yes, Kota and Nathan want to take me to the game before.” I was grateful for the chance to change the subject.
“Good. Talk to you at school.”
I hung up, letting the phone slip out of my hand and onto the floor of the car as I sat. I picked my feet up, wrapping my arms around my knees.
“How are you doing, Sang?” Kota asked.
I twisted my head, watching him drive into the parking lot. We were around each other a lot, but it was the first time I’d really been alone with Kota in a while. “I feel ... weird,” I said as honestly as I could.
Kota chuckled. “Regret that we ran into each other yet?”
My eyes widened. Was he serious? “No, of course not.”
“Just checking.”
I pursed my lips. “Do you regret it?”
He pulled into a spot, threw the car into park and shut off the engine before turning to me, putting his hand on the seat behind my head. “Kinda wish I had met you sooner,” he said quietly.
His green eyes glinted behind his glasses. My fingers shook against my stomach and my heart did another flip flop. I craved this look from him, but at the same time, it was the one where I felt he could see into me, and I was too scared to let him do it for long. I lowered my gaze to avoid his eyes, only to stop at his mouth and chin.
His hand by my head moved, touching my chin, which was all he needed to do for my eyes to lift and meet his again. He parted his lips as if he wanted to say something, but stopped. This time his eyes lowered down, focusing on my mouth.
I froze, stiffened in the seat. I didn’t know what it would be like for someone to kiss me. I had no idea how to tell when someone wanted to, but everything in my being told me Kota wanted to. My mind blanked out. A kiss. From Kota. And I wanted it.
The moment passed. Kota’s cheeks tinted and he let go of my chin. “Let’s go before the others start wondering.”
That was it? What happened? I wondered if he thought about it and decided he didn’t want to. I felt open, vulnerable and he’d pulled back. Did he see something he didn’t like?
I collected my bag and my phone. Kota grabbed my violin case, even though I didn’t want him to. I stared at the ground as we walked together toward the school. He did grab my hand, holding it in his, but I couldn’t look at him. Instead, my heart sank. I blamed myself. Kota was a friend. I didn't know a thing about relationships. He didn’t want a kiss. I shouldn't assume.
I tried to perk up when we entered the courtyard and the others were there. It was better this way. They were all friends. I didn’t want them angry with each other or jealous. I didn’t know what they wanted from me, but maybe I was reading too much into it. They wouldn’t want to kiss or date someone like me. I’d have to hold my feelings back.
But my feelings were hard to tame. Most of the morning, I thought about Nathan kissing my hand, Silas asking me out, and what I’d thought was the almost kiss with Kota. The other guys, too, did things around me that made it even more difficult to look at them for even a moment without wondering what each would think if he knew.
The hardest part was admitting to myself that if I really liked one of them, and if we really started dating, I’d have to let go of the others.
And I felt the lure every time they called, touched me, or said my name. The pull dared me to do what North said. Let go. Assume others know what they’re doing. What did I know about friendships and dating? I wanted desperately to make them happy, to give back to them for what they’d done for me. If I thought North’s advice applied to this, I should let them ask me where they wanted me to go, let them kiss me if they wanted, and simply trust they would tell me where they wanted me.
But did his advice apply to this?
TRUTH AND LIES
Come here, Trouble," Gabriel beckoned to me as I slumped next to Kota. Gabriel was sitting on the ground.
I rose, and drifted over to him. He snagged my hand, pulling me down.
"Don't let her sit in the grass," North said.
"She looks like shit," Gabriel said. "What the hell are you all doing to her?" He nudged me to lean into him. "Lay down if you want."
I didn't want to do that, because I didn't want to go to sleep. I would have been tempted to sleep all day. I did sit on the softer grass, and leaned against him.
Gabriel pressed his cheek to my forehead, cupping my head in his hand. "You're not coming down with something, are you?"
"She's fine," Kota said.
"Will you shush? I'm asking her."
L
uke laughed. "Look at Mr. Protective now."
"Shut up," Gabriel said. He shifted until he had his legs parted and leaned back on his hands, and had me move until I was sitting, neatly tucked, between his legs. I wasn’t in his lap, but it was close. He pulled me until my back was against his chest so I could rest against him. "Trouble, if you're that tired, we'll skip class today."
"No skipping class," Kota said.
Gabriel reached around, collecting my cheeks, making me do fish lips and rocking my head back and forth to make me mimic like I was the one talking. "Tell him, Sang. Say 'Gabriel and I want to go home and sleep.'"
"She was out all last week," Kota said. "She's not skipping out now."
Gabriel grunted, and leaned in to whisper in my ear. "You tell me when you want to skip school, okay? I've got keys to the cars, too, you know."
I stifled a giggle, only letting Gabriel hear me. When I glanced back, he grinned, and this seemed to appease him for now.
But I didn't skip. I knew better. The longer I stayed away from class, the harder it would be to adjust back to normal. Whatever normal was to be for me now.
After math class, since Nathan was gone, North escorted me to the music room.
“Sang,” he said, pausing outside of Music Room B. “Do you want me to go in with you?”
I tilted my head at him. I wasn’t sure if Mr. Blackbourne would like this. “Should I have you with me? I thought Mr. Blackbourne was just going to tell me what to say to Mr. Hendricks if he asked for me.” I’d been so preoccupied about them that I didn’t have a chance to contemplate today and what Mr. Blackbourne would do.
North’s lips teased a smile on his otherwise serious and intense face. “He’ll probably tell you that, but he’ll probably teach you other things. I wasn’t sure if you were really ready for this.”
My shoulders stiffened and my breath escaped me. My hand absentmindedly went to my mouth. “I want to ask you,” I said honestly, “only I don’t know if Mr. Blackbourne would want it. And you really shouldn’t miss class.”
North collected my hand at my mouth and squeezed it. “Text me if you need me. I don’t care if I’m in class. You’re in good hands with him, okay? Trust him.”
I nodded. He let go of me and left.
I entered the classroom, the violin case in my hands, a decoy to my real reason for being there.
Mr. Blackbourne stood on the other side of the room, expectant, his arms crossed over his chest. His light brown hair was perfectly cropped around his ears. His gray eyes met mine, commanding me without having spoken yet. “Miss Sorenson.”
“Mr. Blackbourne,” I said in greeting.
“Let’s get started,” he said. He gestured for me to come closer.
I dropped my bag and the violin in a chair by the door. Mr. Blackbourne directed me to stand near the chalkboard. He picked up a piece of chalk, and wrote: Nathan was at CPR training today.
“Read that out loud for me,” he said, rubbing at the dust on his fingers.
I repeated the line, glancing at him.
“Not bad,” he said. “Try it again, but look me in the eyes when you say it.”
I sucked in a breath for the courage to look at him. I repeated myself.
His gray eyes bored into mine, scrutinizing. He nodded after, the millimeter smile returning. “Good. You’re a quick study.” He erased the sentence from the board.
“Is that where he is?” I asked.
“Actually, yes. This time, he is. There’s an all-day first aid and CPR recertification at the university hospital. It’s Nathan’s turn to attend.”
“They all get that?” I asked. “Is it an Academy requirement?”
Mr. Blackbourne pursed his lips, drawing in a breath and holding it. He released it and answered me. “We like to insure our students are prepared for anything.”
“Should I tell Mr. Hendricks where he is? That he’s at the hospital?”
“You can,” he said. “What I want you to concentrate on is how he responds. You’re already very perceptive.”
“I am?”
“Females are generally more aware of tones and inflection of voices than males. Women can often sense when men are angry before they know it themselves. It’s ingrained.” He wrote another sentence on the board: Nathan is at karate class right now.
“Now read this,” he commanded.
I read it out loud.
His head tilted at me, a curious expression in his eyes. “Remarkable.”
“Pardon?”
“You’re an open book. You can’t even read something with a steady voice if you know it’s a lie. The words are on the board, you’re reading the phrase, but since you know it’s false, it doesn’t matter. Concept over context.”
I frowned. “That bad, huh?”
“It’s perfect,” he said, turning to erase the sentence.
“But Nathan once told me I should learn how to lie. They wanted to teach me so I wouldn’t get in so much trouble.”
“Oh no, we won’t do that,” he said. “There’s hundreds of human facial tells that you’d have to learn to control to become any good at lying.”
“But Dr. Green had told me to lie to my mother, if needed.”
“Your mother was taking the wrong medication and handcuffing you in the shower,” he said in such a blatant way that I cringed at hearing it. “You could have said the sky was blue and she would have thought you were lying, so truth or lies didn’t matter. Keeping her from killing you was all that mattered.”
I bit my lower lip, unsure of how to respond.
He wrote another sentence on the board: North ate pancakes for breakfast this morning.
I blinked at him. “Is it true?”
“Read it before you ask me.”
I sucked in a breath, reading the line out loud.
“Not bad,” he said. He rewrote the sentence: Mr. Blackbourne said that North ate pancakes for breakfast this morning.
“Read,” he commanded.
I did, but even I noticed I said it with more confidence.
“This is the key,” he said. “If you aren’t sure, placing the responsibility of the truth onto someone else is enough to keep you from wavering. As long as you’re willing to trust that what I’ve said is true, you can relay the information with confidence.”
I touched my fingers at the base of my throat, thinking of his meaning. “So you’re saying you could feed me information, and not tell me if it is a truth or a lie. If I told him you told me, he’d believe I was being honest.”
“The problem comes with believing what I tell you is the truth. You’ll have to trust me.”
“Even though it could be a lie at any time?”
He nodded. “Most of the time, I won’t have to. Mr. Hendricks is checking out the wrong group if he’s looking for dirt to blackmail us with. We’ll keep him busy for a while chasing his own tail.”
“But you keep secrets all the time. The Academy is secretive. Why would you tell me true things to tell him? Wouldn’t you lie to make sure he doesn’t find out? What if I say something that tips him off to the truth?”
“A secret is a fact you don’t know yet. There’s many reasons to keep something a secret, not all of them are bad. Sometimes the fact is so insignificant, it wouldn’t matter if it was revealed, but you believing there’s a secret makes it seem more important than it is.” His eyebrow lifted as his steel gaze fixed on me.
His face told me everything. This didn’t apply to just Mr. Hendricks and his wanting to discover their secrets.
“I thought you weren’t supposed to tell me about the Academy.”
The millimeter smile returned. “Kota doesn’t give you nearly enough credit. You pick up quickly.”
Something secret about the Academy didn’t need to be a secret, they kept it that way on purpose. It’s simpler than they make it appear. What part? I blushed, pushing a finger to my mouth. “Mr. Blackbourne?”
A perfectly arched eyebrow lifted. “Yes, Miss Soren
son?”
There were a million questions I wanted to ask, but this one popped out first. “Why didn’t Kota want me to join the Academy?”
His lips parted as he paused. It was the first time I’d seen him hesitate. His eyes shifted, as if calculating how to answer. “Part of it is you weren’t really ready for it. Dr. Green and I believe you would make an excellent candidate, but it is much better to have you join us willingly rather than enter due to an emergency situation. Kota believes you should fully know what you’re getting into before jumping in.”
“There’s more to it,” I said. “His sister, Jessica, he said he didn’t want her to join, either.”
“Bringing girls into the Academy is always a complication. Teams are pulled together based on personal interests. The majority are male groups. There’s a couple of all female groups, but they’re very finicky about who they take in. While it isn’t forbidden for a girl to join a male group, it’s highly discouraged.”
“Why?”
The smile returned. “Because we depend very strongly upon everyone in the group to get along, to trust one another. We also need to keep our families and loved ones happy. A girl in the group makes personal relationships strained. For example, if Kota had a girlfriend, but had to spend a lot of time with you, without being able to tell his girlfriend where he’s been or what you two have been doing, the girlfriend won’t last. Being involved with the Academy is tough enough on a relationship without jealousy complicating it.”
“So that’s why Kota said I could never join,” I whispered, my heart sinking. I knew Kota had repeated a couple of times I shouldn’t join the Academy. Some small part of me still hoped I could. I thought perhaps he thought it was too dangerous. But it wasn’t about danger at all. “Kota’s afraid if I join, if any of you want to be in a relationship with someone, I’d be the cause for it to fail. He was protecting the others from having to deal with that.”
“It’s only one of a few different reasons, but don’t count yourself out yet,” he said quietly, fixing those soft gray eyes on me. “There’s still a chance.”
“But how ...” I said, but as the words escaped, the bell rang. No! Not yet! I was so close. I felt now I could ask him anything and there was so much I wanted to know.