Forty and Free: A Sweet Romance Series Bundle - Books 1 - 4

by Blake, Lillianna

  “Dane.” She growled with frustration.

  “Now who’s judging?” He stood up from the couch.

  “I just need to know the rules. You seem to have a lot of them.”

  “Ella, it’s not like I don’t want to experience more with you—just not yet.”

  “Well, we’re kind of limited on our time together.”

  “So it’ll be over when vacation is over?” Dane met her eyes. “Is that what you’re thinking?”

  “I’ve never done the long distance thing before.”

  “So all of this stuff about wanting to get to know me—that’s all temporary?”

  “I don’t know, Dane.” She frowned and looked down at her hands.

  “So that’s why you’re pushing me, because you want to take things as far as you can, and then you’ll just move on and forget about me.”

  “That’s not it at all.”

  “Then what is it, Ella? Are we in this for real, or are we in a fantasy?”

  “Right now it doesn’t seem like we’re in anything at all.”

  “I wanted tonight, tomorrow, and next week. If you’re just looking for tonight, that’s not going to work for me.” He started to turn toward the door.

  “Wait, you’re not leaving, are you?” She looked up at him.

  He wanted to lean down and kiss her again. He wanted to be the man that she wanted him to be. But he couldn’t. Though the passion he felt for her was more intense than he'd imagined it could ever be, it didn’t eliminate the sense that he was somehow betraying Pam.

  “You said that we could take things slow.”

  “I thought that was slow.”

  Dane shook his head. “I should go.”

  “Dane, wait.” She grabbed his hand. “Stay.”

  “I can’t, Ella. It’s not your fault, you know. It’s me. I’m just not ready.”

  “Then I won’t even touch you. Just stay, we can talk more—whatever you want to do.”

  “I can’t feel like I’m holding you back. It’s not wrong for you to want what you want, I just can’t offer it. I need some time to think about this.”

  “How much time do you have left?” She stared into his eyes.

  “A few days.”

  “And then?” She stood up from the couch and tried to embrace him. “Don’t do this.”

  “Ella.” He hugged her in return and then pulled away again. “Please, I just have to think. I can’t think when I’m with you.”

  She sank back down on the couch. “Fine.”

  “It’s nothing you’ve done.”

  “Sure.” She stared at the floor.

  “I still want us to try.”

  “Right.” She glanced up at him. “When you’re done thinking. I’ve heard of letting a girl down easy, but that excuse is a new one.”

  “It’s not like that.” He reached out to touch her cheek.

  She pushed his hand away. “Don’t.”

  Dane lingered in front of her for a moment. His hands ached to reach out to her, to soothe the hurt he’d caused. But the amount of confusion he felt left him unsure of the right thing to do.

  “I don’t want this to be goodbye, Ella.”

  “You want to stay, but you want to go. You want to feel something, but not too much. You want to leave, but you don’t want to say goodbye. How long do you expect me to wait, Dane?”

  “I don’t know.” He rubbed his hand across his forehead. “If I did, I’d tell you. I know it’s not fair to you. I’ll understand if you don’t want to wait at all.”

  She stood up from the couch and walked over to the door.

  He tensed as she opened the door for him.

  “Goodbye, Dane.”

  His throat grew dry as he walked past her. Just before he was all the way through he turned to look at her, but he couldn’t bring himself to say a word.

  Chapter 32

  Ella pushed the door shut behind Dane. She wished she could close her heart off just as easily, but she couldn’t. It longed for him in a way that infuriated her. She wiped at her eyes to push back the tears that had formed. Never had a man rejected her advances. It was hard for her to comprehend why he continued to resist her and yet in the same breath claimed to care about her.

  The frustration built within her, and what made it worse was that it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter how angry she was with him, she still wanted him. She was used to doing what felt right, not following rules.

  She knew it was what he wanted too—she could sense it in his kiss, in the way he touched her—but he wouldn’t just allow it to happen.

  She paced through the living room in slow even strides. Ultimately they would be leaving one another to return to their lives. She wasn’t even sure what she was fighting for. But there was no question in her mind that she wanted Dane. She needed him to be able to see clearly that he wanted her too.

  Yet every time he was close to her, he went running.

  Sure, she was taking things a little further than he’d wanted, but so what? It was the heat of the moment, it was following instincts and finding pleasure. What could be wrong with that? Would there always be that kind of barrier between them?

  Ella sat back down on the couch and decided to give Jillian a call. The woman seemed to have a lot of good insights; maybe she could explain to Ella what she’d done wrong.

  “Hello?”

  “Jillian?”

  “Yes.”

  “It’s Ella.”

  “Oh, hi, Ella.” Her voice brightened. “How are you?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “Uh oh, what happened?”

  “It’s Dane. I can tell he wants to be with me, but he won’t just relax and enjoy himself when he’s around me.”

  “You said he’s a widower, right?”

  “Yes.” Ella leaned back against the couch and sighed.

  “Losing a spouse is very difficult. It isn’t like you broke up, or divorced, it’s as if someone is stolen from you. He’s probably experiencing some serious guilt, as a part of him likely considers himself still married.”

  “I hadn’t thought of that.”

  “Patience will be key with him. And, the more you’re open with him, the more secure he’ll feel.”

  “Patience is difficult for me. I also haven’t exactly been open with him.” Ella sighed. “I’m not sure that I can be.”

  “That’s up to you. Some relationships are a lot of work. You have to ask yourself whether it’s worth putting in all of that effort and what you expect it to become in the long run.”

  “Can a long distance relationship ever work?”

  “It can if you want it to. Anything can work, if it’s valuable enough to you.”

  “What if I do all this and he still can’t get past it?”

  “If he can’t get past it, then he can’t get past it. Some people do get stuck. But the best way to find out is to create a situation where he feels safe, and really respect what he’s asking of you.”

  “I’m not sure how to do that.”

  “Think about it. You’ll come up with something.”

  “Thanks, Jillian. I appreciate your support.”

  “It’s my pleasure, Ella. It’s what I do. Remember, we’re not so different. We’re both in our forties, and for the time being at least, we’re both single. The important thing is to be confident in who you are. If you let fear stop you, you’ll miss out on everything.”

  “I’m going to try—thanks to you.”

  “Good night. Let me know what you come up with.”

  “I will. Good night, Jillian.”

  Ella hung up the phone and began to think. It was clear that she’d dropped the ball on being open. She’d avoided most of Dane’s questions about Louis and about the future. She wasn’t exactly stepping out of her comfort zone for him, and yet she expected him to jump right out of his.

  He’d asked her to respect some boundaries, and she’d tried to coax him right past them. It never occurred to her that
he might be feeling guilty about his wife. They might have both lost a spouse but it was in very different ways. She didn’t want to push him to a point where he regretted what they shared.

  She recalled how Louis had been so all or nothing. He would demand her submission or threaten to throw their entire relationship away. It hit her hard in the pit of her stomach to realize that she’d just done the same thing to Dane. Because he was scared, because he wasn’t ready, she’d pushed him away.

  It was what she knew of love, but the more time she spent with Dane, the more she realized that wasn’t what love was. Maybe it was too soon to know if she was in love with Dane, but she did know that what she felt for him was entirely different than what she’d once felt for Louis. She didn’t make things any easier on Dane by being so harsh.

  She considered trying to call him, to apologize, but she knew that wouldn’t be enough. She needed to be face-to-face with him. She needed him to listen, now that she was ready to speak. But how?

  The main problem was that whenever she was around Dane he was on edge. Whenever he was alone with her, he wanted to run. She had to think of way to help him relax, and prove to him that she could be trusted.

  She changed out of her dress into a nightshirt and stretched out on her bed. She drifted off to sleep with a plan forming in her mind. There wasn’t much time. She had to make this one last try count.

  Chapter 33

  Dane forced himself not to turn back. Ella had said goodbye—she had a right to—but he wanted to throw the door open and declare that he’d never say it back. That was how irrational their connection made him feel. It frightened him that he would even consider bursting into the cottage. Every aspect of himself felt out of control when he was with her. As thrilling as it was, it terrified him.

  With Pam, everything had been as expected. They’d dated young, they’d been each other’s firsts when it came to everything and never once did he have to worry about what he was feeling.

  With Ella, everything was a question. Did she even truly want him, or did she want a fling? If she did want a relationship, could they handle the distance? Dane wasn’t used to questions that couldn’t be answered.

  He walked into the hotel room and was relieved to find Thomas there safe and sound. But he was also a little disappointed that he wouldn’t have a little time to be alone.

  “Dad, where have you been?” Thomas watched as Dane brushed past him into the middle of the hotel room.

  “Never mind that. I’m going to bed.”

  “Dad?” Thomas stepped in front of him. “What happened? I saw you with Ella. I thought you were working things out.”

  “I can’t seem to stop making that mistake.”

  “That’s a little harsh.” Thomas frowned. “That’s not like you.”

  “You’re right.” Dane shook his head. “It’s not her. It’s me. She wants me to be different. She wants me to be young, fun, and up for anything. But that’s just not who I am.” He looked into his son’s eyes. “And I shouldn’t be talking to you about any of this.”

  “Why not?” Thomas frowned. “I’m here for you. You’ve always been there for me, so let me be here for you. What happened?”

  Dane regarded him for a moment. He remembered what Ella had said about Thomas not being his friend, but the truth was, Thomas was all he had. And although he had been a father to his son, they’d also leaned on one another a lot as his son had grown older. If he expected Thomas to be open and continue to share with him, maybe he needed to do the same.

  “It’s just too much, too fast for me.” He sighed. “She’s not going to wait for me, you know. She’s going to get impatient and bored. Then what?”

  “It sounds to me that you think you can predict how she’ll be. Do you really know her that well?”

  “I don’t know.” He shook his head. “Every time I try to get to know her she shifts the conversation, and I get distracted. There’s just so much passion between us. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I’m blinded by it. It’s nothing I can handle.”

  “Maybe you need to stop trying to handle it, Dad. Maybe you should just let things happen.”

  “No.” Dane shook his head. “Just letting things happen is how people get hurt. I’m done, Thomas. I can’t keep doing this to her, or myself. I know that I’m not ready. I’m sure she’ll find someone else who can make her happy. It’s not going to be me.”

  “I think you’re just scared. You should think about whether or not you really want to give up on this. I’ve never even seen you look twice at a woman before. I know that Ella is different.”

  “She is different. But that doesn’t give me the right to toy with her—to have expectations that she can’t meet.” Dane lifted an eyebrow. “After the way I left her tonight, she’s not going to want anything to do with me. It’s over, and I need you to let it be over. Okay?”

  “Whatever you say, Dad. If that’s how it has to be, then that’s how it has to be.”

  “It is.” Dane stretched out on his bed. He closed his eyes. He heard Thomas crawl into his own bed. What was he teaching his son about relationships? To give up? To recognize when something couldn’t work? He buried his face in his pillow and struggled to think about anything other than Ella. He gave it one more try. They were just too different.

  When Dane woke up the next morning, he found an empty hotel room. There was no note from Thomas as to where he’d gone. He was alone again. That was his own fault.

  He changed into his swim trunks and headed down to the water. Maybe if he swam a few laps he could clear his head.

  When he reached the edge of the water he recalled how he’d felt when he’d seen Ella dappled by the sun, immersed in the water. She was beautiful, beautiful in a way that he never knew a woman could be.

  “Dane, you’re an idiot.” He shook his head as he waded out into the water. “You had her in your arms and you pushed her away.”

  He dove under the water. When he broke through the surface again he looked up at the sky. He hadn’t been a religious man, but losing his wife had made him one. He’d sought out every possible truth about the afterlife. It gave him comfort to think that somehow somewhere Pam was watching him.

  But maybe that comfort had become a problem. Maybe he felt as if he had to be on his toes at all times, still trying to be the husband she’d want him to be.

  He hadn’t honored her last wish. She’d asked him to find love again. At the time it hadn’t seemed a fair request. It had even made him angry that she thought he could ever love anyone else.

  Now, he understood. She was giving him the permission to be free. She didn’t want him to wake up in a hotel room in paradise and be alone.

  A few tears slipped down his cheeks as he realized that he’d been trying to do the opposite of what she’d wanted. As painful as it was for him to face, he was holding on to a marriage that no longer existed.

  Maybe, if he could let go, there’d be room in his heart for Ella.

  Chapter 34

  “Thanks for meeting me.” Ella looked across the table at Thomas. She could see the judgment in his eyes. She knew that he harbored some animosity toward her.

  “Why did you ask me to meet you? I assume that it’s about my Dad?” Thomas narrowed his eyes.

  “Yes.”

  “I’ve never seen him so upset. I just don’t understand why you think you can play with him like this.”

  “I’m not playing with him.”

  “Are you sure?” Thomas ignored the pancake on his plate and leaned toward her. “Because it seems to me that every time he sees you, he comes home angry.”

  “Things are complicated with us.”

  “I get that.” Thomas shook his head. “He isn’t even upset with you. He thinks it’s all his fault.”

  “It’s not. I haven’t been patient.” She frowned. “That’s why I asked you here. I need your help. The truth is, I’ve been scared. I think your father is too. I just think if we had another chance—to r
eally talk—we might be able to figure all this out.” She met his eyes. “I know that at your age you might not understand this.”

  “I understand that when my mother died, my father did too. He put on a good face for me. But I could tell. I’ve tried to get him to date over the years, and he’s refused. You’re the first woman he’s even really taken a chance on.” He sighed. “And look what happened.”

  “I know. I made a huge mistake. I’ll understand if you don’t want to help me. Really.” She looked away from him around the crowded restaurant. “It wasn’t fair for me to even ask you. This is me not being patient again. I should go.”

  “I didn’t say no.”

  She paused and looked back at him. “You’ll help me?”

  “I just want you to know that my Dad—he’s not just any guy—he’s a great guy. So unless you’re serious about him, you need to walk away now. I’m not going to help you break his heart.” He looked into her eyes and furrowed a brow. “He doesn’t deserve that.”

  “You’re right. He doesn’t. I can promise you that I’ll try my best not to hurt him. It’s the last thing I want to do.”

  Thomas picked up his fork and cut off a piece of his pancake. “So what do you have in mind?”

  “All I need you to do is get him somewhere for me. I have a plan to make sure that we can get some time to ourselves. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t, but I don’t want to let this go without knowing that I tried.”

  Thomas took a few bites of his pancake, then nodded. “Alright, I can do that.” He looked across the table at her. “Don’t make me regret it.”

  “Your father is very lucky to have you, Thomas.”

  “No. I’m the lucky one. He’s given me everything I ever needed. And it seems to me that he might just need you. So, I’ll help. But it’s going to be on you to make it work.” He jotted his phone number down on a napkin and handed it to her. Then he stood up from the table. “Text me where you want him and when. I’ll have him there.”

  “Thanks, Thomas.”

  When Ella left the restaurant, her heart raced. This was it. This was her last chance to get through to Dane.

  On the taxi ride back to the resort she made a few calls to fulfill her plan, then texted Thomas the information. He fingers trembled as she typed everything out.