“They were amazing.” Jillian closed her eyes as memories filled her mind. “They were always wrapped up in one another. Sometimes I’d wake up in the morning and find them snuggled up on the couch. After breakfast when my Dad left for work, they always kissed.”
“That’s beautiful. But there must have been some moments that weren’t so perfect—a fight, burnt dinner, anything?”
“Sure, my mother burnt dinner sometimes, but my father always loved that. He’d declare it a pizza night and playfully accuse her of doing it on purpose. If they fought, I wasn’t around to hear it.”
“Not even after you were in bed at night?”
“They would usually stay up late. My Dad liked to have some drinks in the evening.”
“Beer?”
“More like rum, sometimes vodka.”
“Hm, that’s interesting.”
“It was just drinks. He never passed out on the bathroom floor or anything like that.” Jillian sighed. “All of this digging is getting me nowhere. I think I have to trust my instincts. Maybe I’m just not cut out for the long-term type of relationship. I do enjoy the men I’m with. I respect them. I love them.”
“But you’re not in love with them.”
“I guess not.”
“And with the neighbor?”
“Mateo.”
“Mateo.” Hannah’s voice warmed. “What a beautiful name.”
“Stop it, Hannah.”
“You didn’t answer my question. How do you feel when you’re with Mateo?”
Jillian looked up at the ceiling as she considered how to answer the question. “I’m not sure. It’s confusing.”
“Confusing how?”
“One minute, I’m not sure if I should be afraid of him; the next minute, I want to hug him until he cries.”
“Are you trying to help him get through his break-up?”
“I think he just really needs a friend right now. I can be that for him.”
“But is that really all you want? From what you’re saying, I don’t think it is.”
“Maybe not.” Jillian touched her lips as she recalled Mateo’s kiss. “But I think it’s the only thing we can have right now.”
“Maybe. Time will tell.”
“Maybe. But I don’t think it’s a good idea. His temper gets the best of him.”
“He has an anger problem?”
“I don’t know if I’d really say that exactly. I mean, he is dealing with a very stressful time in his life. I guess it’s to be expected that he might be a little angry.”
“But his anger bothers you?”
“It’s not something that I like to feel myself. I guess I don’t like to see it in other people.”
“Maybe he will be good for you then. It’s important to get to know what makes you uncomfortable.”
“I think so. We’re going out on the lake in a little while. Maybe I’ll find out more then.”
“Enjoy yourself.”
Even after Jillian had hung up the phone, Hannah’s words remained in the forefront of her mind. Maybe Mateo would turn out to be good for her. Maybe there were some things that she could learn from him.
Chapter 20
As soon as the door was closed, Mateo looked for something to throw. His first instinct was to get the anger out of him as fast as possible. That meant he needed to hurl something as hard as he could. He reached for a plate left on the dining room table. He gripped it tight and was prepared to throw it, when all of a sudden he stopped.
It would just be one more thing to destroy in his life. He’d let Kate get under his skin, as usual. He knew better, but he still allowed it to happen. If there was ever a moment when he wished that he could have set the world on fire, it was when she’d touched his cheek. It wasn’t so much because she touched him, but because he wanted her to look into his eyes and tell him that she still loved him. He wanted this entire nightmare to be just that—something he could wake up from. Instead it was his new life, and it seemed inescapable.
He paced through the house in an attempt to calm down. All the urge he had to work on the house faded beneath the memory of her promise that she’d get a portion of the sale. It wasn’t like he needed the money. He would be fine either way. It wasn’t as if he wanted her to be destitute. It still bothered him to think of her having anything less than what she needed. But this house—this house was his gift to her. It was the promise of their future together. It was everything that she’d ripped away from him.
He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen. If he wanted to make things easy, he’d just do everything she asked of him. He’d give her half the profit from the house. He’d give her alimony.
But he couldn’t bring himself to do that.
Perhaps if she hadn’t already taken so much from him. It might have been easier if she’d cheated on him, but she hadn’t. She’d just gotten tired of him. His heart ached at the thought. He’d had no idea that he could become someone who she could so easily toss to the side.
Mateo glanced at the clock and saw that it was getting close to the time that he’d agreed to meet Jillian. The thought of her sparked a memory of the kiss they’d shared. His throat grew dry as he recalled the softness of her lips. It was just a kiss.
He’d told her that he didn’t want it to mean more, and that was the truth. He had enough on his plate without having to think about why his heart did a little dance every time he thought of Jillian. The smart decision was to stay home. She wouldn’t care if he didn’t show up. They were just neighbors, barely friends. But it had been so long since he’d been out in the kayak and the lake did look really beautiful.
With the mood he was in, he needed to be around something serene. Whether that was Jillian or the lake, it didn’t matter to him.
He carried his kayak down to the edge of the lake, where he found Jillian waiting for him.
“I wasn’t sure if you were going to come.”
“I wasn’t sure if I should. I probably won’t be the best company.”
“I don’t expect you to be anyone but you, Mateo. That’s all the company I need.”
He smiled a little, but he didn’t really believe her. Kate said those kinds of nice things to him when they’d first met. Now he knew they were just nice things to say, not things that people actually meant.
He boarded the kayak and they both shoved off from the shore. The moment that he was in the water he felt his anger subside a bit. He felt detached from the world as he focused on the calm water.
“I spend a lot of time out here.” Jillian kept pace with him as they paddled. “It always clears my head.”
He nodded, but didn’t speak. He preferred to be as quiet as possible when he was feeling emotional. It prevented him from making mistakes that he couldn’t take back.
“I’ve never seen the water so empty, though. Usually there are a few neighbors out. I guess that cold weather this morning scared them off. It’s still chilly now. You’re not too cold, are you?”
He looked over at her. He could tell that she was trying to get him to talk, but he didn’t want to talk. He wanted to be as quiet as possible. “No, I’m fine.”
She studied him for a long moment, until he looked away.
Inwardly, he was certain that he’d made a mistake. Jillian was not the type to let things go. Now he was trapped on a lake with her. If she kept pushing him, he’d say too much, and the friendship they’d just started building would end up shattered.
That’s what he did. He broke things—especially beautiful things. He wasn’t quite sure how he did it, but he did know that when he did, it was impossible to repair. Kate was right about many of the things she’d said about him. He was sure of it. Clearly he couldn’t be trusted.
But when he looked over at Jillian and caught her looking at him, he didn’t see the distaste that he saw in Kate’s eyes. He saw, instead, an unfamiliar admiration, as if she might think he was worth her time.
He looked quickly away. Surely it was the glare of the sun and the sparkle of the water that made him think that. It made no sense that after what she’d seen she’d even want to speak to him, let alone anything more.
He considered turning back. He could claim to be sick, or tired, or too cold. He could come up with some excuse to escape the curious way she was looking at him.
Chapter 21
Jillian looked over at him as she glided past him on the still water. Kayaking was normally a very relaxing exercise for her, but with Mateo nearby she couldn’t seem to relax. Her mind kept traveling back to the horrible way his ex-wife had talked to him. Not a single one of her past boyfriends had ever treated her that way.
“How are you doing, Mateo?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“It’s just you me and the lake here.” She smiled at him. “It’s a good place to vent.”
“You’ve seen how I vent. You don’t like it.” He quirked an eyebrow as he looked over at her. “It frightens you.”
“You don’t frighten me, Mateo.” She steered her kayak a little closer to him.
“No?” He smiled a little and met her eyes.
“No.” She smiled in return.
“Maybe you just don’t know me very well.”
“Maybe. Or maybe I know that in your heart, you wouldn’t wish harm on anyone, even Kate.”
“Don’t say her name.” He groaned and looked up at the sky. “What part of I don’t want to talk about it don’t you understand?”
“The part where you need to talk about it. Harboring all of those emotions inside isn’t good. It’ll ruin your focus on anything and everything.”
He sighed and looked over at her again. “You’re pretty good at what you do, aren’t you?”
“I like to think so.”
“Then maybe I need to hire you.”
“I’m here, free of charge.” She pointed to a small island on the lake. “Why don’t we take a break? We can explore the island.”
“Alright.” He followed her lead as she pulled the kayak up on to the sandy shore.
When she climbed out of her kayak, he was right there to offer her a hand. The moment she touched him that crazy rush overcame her again. She stared at him as the wave of desire ebbed. How did he cause that in her?
If he felt something similar, he didn’t show it. He looked over the island. It was really just a small patch of land with a few trees. “This is nice. Wouldn’t it be nice to build a house on it?”
“You can’t hide from the world, Mateo, it always finds you.”
“Only if you don’t try hard enough.”
“What happened with you and Kate?” She met his eyes.
He broke the connection and began to walk further across the island.
She matched his pace.
“She hates me.”
“Why?” She kept an eye on him as she navigated the underbrush.
“I don’t know. I was too cold, too unavailable, too angry, too focused on work, too lazy, too everything.” He shook his head and clenched his jaw.
“I’m sorry, that must hurt you.” She touched the curve of his arm. “That she thinks of you that way.”
“I don’t care.” He shrugged her hand away.
“Sure you do.”
“No, I don’t.” He turned to face her. “I hate her too. Is that what you want to hear?”
“It would be, if it was the truth.” Jillian stared into his eyes and tried to be as open and accepting as possible. She wanted him to know that she supported him, that he was safe with her.
“What are you talking about?” He moved closer to her and peered back into her eyes. “What do you think you know about me?”
She cleared her throat. With the tension of his muscles and the heat of his voice, she had a strong feeling that he was pretty angry under the calm surface he projected.
“You love her, Mateo. You love her as much as you did the day you married her.”
His jaw tensed, his hands clenched and his eyes narrowed. “No, I don’t. You’re wrong.”
She felt the urge to shy back from him, to be intimidated by the anger that flowed through him. But she didn’t want to be. She wanted to be brave enough to face the hurt inside of him, even if it meant that she ruined a budding friendship.
“Don’t lie to yourself, Mateo. It won’t help you to heal any faster. You want her back. That’s why you can’t let her go.”
“Stop.” He swallowed hard and flicked his gaze away from her. “You’re wrong.”
“I’m not.” She touched his arm again with a slow stroke of her fingers. “It’s okay. When you love someone, feelings aren’t supposed to just disappear.”
He jerked his arm away from her touch and turned his back to her. “She’s a horrible person. She’s taken everything from me. She laughed in my face when I asked her to try just a little longer.”
Jillian saw the muscles on his back tense and roll as his body shifted.
“I’m done here, let’s go back.”
She brushed her palms along the rigid rise of his shoulders. “Love doesn’t always make sense, Mateo. Maybe you have every reason in the world to hate her, but deep down, you still love her.”
“Jillian, you have no idea what you’re talking about.”
She stepped around in front of him and sought his eyes. “It doesn’t make you weak to love someone that much. You told me that she was the only one for you. Having her turn on you like this must be excruciating.”
He blinked heavily, as if he was forcing back tears. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.” His voice shuddered.
She brushed her palms along his cheeks with a soothing stroke. “I know it wasn’t. I know it hurts.”
He squeezed his eyes shut and tilted his head toward hers. “I just want it to be over. I just want the pain to stop. How do I make it stop?”
When he opened his eyes again she saw a thin sheen of tears trapped between his dark lashes. Her heart ached for him. That kind of pain was pure; it was the grief she’d felt when the police officer delivered the news about the accident, it was the grief she felt at the funeral when she knew that they were really gone.
“I don’t know.” The confession fell from her lips. She could have told him a million different things—inspirational words that she’d learned over the years—but none of them would have been true. The truth was, she had no idea how to move on from that kind of pain. “But I do know that it will stop, Mateo. It will take time, but it will stop.”
“I don’t think it will.” He shivered as she ran her hands back through his hair. “I want to feel something other than this rage. I feel like I’m drowning in it.”
Without thought of the consequences, Jillian brushed her lips against his. It wasn’t a kiss, just a caress. Still, the light touch ignited instant passion within her.
Mateo’s lips parted and he closed his eyes. “Don’t, please—don’t.” He muttered his words, but he didn’t pull away from her. His lips sought hers in the same subtle brush.
She realized his plea was not for her to stop, but for him to resist.
“It’s just a kiss, Mateo.” She stroked her fingertips through the hair at the back of his neck. “It doesn’t have to be more than that.”
Chapter 22
Mateo melted at the sensation of Jillian’s touch and the caress of her lips. He willed himself to walk away, to ignore the way his heart raced when she promised it was just a kiss. All of the anger he felt began to subside, just with the stroke of her fingertips.
When her lips brushed his again, he didn’t resist. He drew her into a heavy, passionate kiss. There wasn’t an inch of space between them as their bodies embraced. She shivered and drew a quick breath when the kiss broke for just an instant. The tremble in her body inspired one to carry through his own. He clung to her as if the ground might disappear beneath him. The force of the desire he felt for her made him believe that nothing else existed.
She was the one to push him away with a soft gasp.
He stared at her with a hunger that threatened to run wild.
“Mateo, enough.” Her face reddened as she looked away from him toward the water.
He traced his lips along the rise of her cheek and sighed when he reached the curve of her neck.
“It’s just a kiss, right?” He murmured his words against her skin. More than anything he wanted to tempt her lips back into the sultry dance that they’d shared.
She didn’t answer as she continued to stare out at the water.
“Jillian?” He brushed her hair back from her shoulder and gazed out at the water in an attempt to discern what held her attention. “I would have stopped if you’d asked me to.”
“I know that.” She reached up and touched his hand where it settled on her shoulder. “I just didn’t realize.”
“You didn’t realize what?” He leaned close to her again and kissed her cheek.
“No more.” She shook her head. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”
His jaw clenched. All the warmth that had flooded him in response to the intimacy between them grew cold.
“What are you saying?” He narrowed his eyes.
She turned back toward him.
He let his hands fall back to his sides and met her eyes.
“I want to be your friend, Mateo—not your distraction.”
“My friend?” He laughed a little. “Do friends take you out to deserted islands and kiss you like that?” He raised an eyebrow. “I know the difference between friendly and more than just friendly.” He tried to meet her eyes, but her gaze flicked away. “What’s wrong Jillian?”
“This is.” She frowned. “Please don’t take this the wrong way. You’re amazing, Mateo. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever laid eyes on a more beautiful man, but—”
“But?” He turned away from her and faced the trees. “But I’m not what you’re looking for.” Dark laughter erupted from his lips. “I’m not good enough, right?”
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