As she greeted customers and arranged flowers, she was more relaxed than she’d been in a long time. The certainty that she had Ryan to turn to gave her a sense of stability that she hadn’t even realized she’d been missing in her life. It was as if a piece of the puzzle that had been her life had finally found its place.
By the time she closed up the shop, she was excited to see Ryan and his friends. She enjoyed spending time with Cassie and looked forward to getting to know Manny and his wife better.
She rushed home to get ready.
When six o’clock rolled around she’d just finished putting the last touches on her hair. Right on time, Ryan knocked on the door. When she opened it, he greeted her with a warm smile and a kiss.
She was a bit too distracted by the fact that he was wearing his uniform to enjoy his greeting.
“Amazing.” He shook his head and took a long look at her. “I might have to take you to fancy dinners more often.”
“Didn’t you have time to change?” She looked over his uniform and managed a smile. “Not that you don’t look as handsome as ever.”
“Uh, no, I have to wear this tonight.”
“Are you on duty?”
“No.” He gestured to the door. “We should get going. I really can’t be late.”
“What? Is Cassie going to hunt you down?” She laughed as she picked up her purse and followed him out the door. His lack of response spoke volumes.
Once they were in the car she looked over at him. “Is everything okay, Ryan?”
“It is.” He stared out through the front window. “I noticed that you seem more comfortable with my uniform, and we’ve talked a lot about my job lately.”
“Yes, I’ve been trying.” She bit into her bottom lip and decided not to mention the nightmare she’d been having again lately. It would pass. Time would heal it. She didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize their relationship.
“Good. I think you’ve come a long way.” He reached out and patted her knee.
The gesture was odd. She looked over at him.
“Is there something wrong?”
He pulled into a parking lot that she didn’t recognize. “Nothing is wrong. Well, honestly, I’ve been trying to bring this up to you and wasn’t sure how. I thought maybe if we just showed up, everything would be fine.”
“Showed up where?” She looked toward the large building and recognized it as one of the higher-end country clubs in the area. She had provided flowers for a few events there. Her heart skipped a beat. “Ryan, what are we doing here?” As she stared at the entrance, she saw several men and women in uniform walk inside.
Ryan opened the car door and stepped out, then walked around to her side of the car. He opened her door and offered her his hand.
She stepped out, but her heart was pounding.
“When you said we were meeting friends, I thought you meant Cassie and Manny.” She stared at him with disbelief.
“I know. I didn’t tell you, because I thought if I did, you wouldn’t come.”
“You knew I wouldn’t come. So you just lied to me.”
“No, I didn’t. These men and women are like my family, and they are certainly my friends. I’m hoping that you might be ready to embrace them.”
“So you think just because I accepted your job, I’m ready for something like this?” She looked out at the sea of uniforms that surged past her toward the building. “Ryan, I don’t think that I can do this.”
“I’m just asking you to try. That’s all. Maybe it won’t be as bad as you think.” He tightened his grip on her hand. “Just come inside with me and meet a few people.”
She nodded and allowed him to lead her toward the door. The entire time she willed herself to just be okay with it, but the more uniforms she saw, the more anxiety she felt.
“I can’t.” She drew back as an officer brushed past her to go inside. “Ryan, no.”
“Fine. Let’s get you home.” He turned away from the door and released her hand.
“You’re angry, aren’t you?”
“I’m not angry.”
“Don’t lie to me, Ryan.” She looked into his eyes.
Chapter 38
Ryan stared back at her as his frustration built within him. “It’s not that I’m angry with you. I’m frustrated with the situation. I thought we were past this.”
“I thought you said you would be patient.” Angela frowned.
“I have been. But I need you here with me tonight.” He looked over his shoulder at the other officers who were gathered near the door.
“I can’t.” She ducked her head as more officers moved past them. “It reminds me too much of the past.”
“We’re here now.” He grasped both of her hands in his and demanded her attention. “This is the present, Angela. This is where we are. Not back there. You said you wanted to be here for me. Well, I need you here.”
“I want to be. Don’t you see that? I want more than anything to be here at your side. You should have warned me. Maybe if I’d had time to prepare it would be different.”
“I just thought that if I brought you here, you’d be able to overcome it.” He drew a long deep breath. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have done this to you. It was unfair of me.” He glanced at his watch. “Unfortunately, I have no choice but to be here. I’ll call you a cab to take you home.” He pulled out his phone and dialed a number.
He willed himself to be calm. He’d pushed her too hard too fast. That was on him, not her. But the skittish way she glanced around at the other officers only stoked his frustration. He couldn’t spend the rest of his life apologizing for his career. He recalled the moment that his ex had asked him to quit. She’d begged him to quit.
Aren’t I more important to you, Ryan? she’d said to him.
The memory was drowned out by the voice on the phone as he ordered the cab. When he hung up, he noticed that Angela’s eyes were moist with tears.
“I’m sorry, Ryan. I didn’t mean to disappoint you.”
“Hey, don’t.” He caught her chin with his fingertips and looked into her eyes. “This is not your fault. I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I never should have sprung this on you.”
“No, you needed someone to be here, and I can’t be that person.” She blinked back her tears and clenched her jaw. “I want to be stronger for you, but I’ve spent so much of my life afraid. I don’t know how to change that.”
“You don’t have to change anything for me, Angela. Don’t worry. We’ll talk about this tonight. I’ll come over after the ceremony.”
“Ceremony?”
“I’m receiving an award. That’s why I have to stay. Otherwise I’d leave right now with you.”
“Oh, Ryan, you’re getting an award? You should be so proud.”
He nodded. “I am.” He stared hard at the ground beneath his feet. The sensation of her touch along his cheek drew his gaze back up to hers.
“You need me there, don’t you?”
“No.”
“I thought we promised to be honest with each other?”
“Not if it’s going to hurt you. It’s just an award. It’s just another night, really. We’ll talk about it later.” He pointed to the cab that approached. “Be careful getting home, okay?” He opened the door to the cab for her. He noticed that she hesitated.
She looked back toward the building. He could see the desire in her to be able to walk inside. But she dropped her gaze and turned to the cab.
“I’m so sorry, Ryan. You deserve better than this.”
He grabbed her arm before she could get inside the cab and stared hard intently her eyes.
“I only want you, Angela. This doesn’t change anything.”
She nodded, but looked away.
“Angela.”
“Yes?” She looked back at him and the hurt in her eyes was unmistakable.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” She settled into the cab and he closed the door.
He had to fight the urge to run around the car to the other side and climb in. He’d much rather be with her than spend his life receiving awards.
As the cab pulled away, he knew he couldn’t do that. The police force was his family too, and they wanted to honor him along with several other officers. If he didn’t bother to show, it would be a slap in the face of the men and women who protected him on a daily basis.
He turned and forced himself to walk inside.
But with every step he took, he began to consider his other option. If Angela was what he wanted, if a future with her was the only future that he could see for himself, then why should a thing as simple as his job stand in his way?
Yes, he had a passion for it. Yes, he loved every minute he was on shift. But he’d also almost lost his life because of it. For twenty years he’d been on the beat—twenty years of close calls and big risks. Maybe it was time he let go of that adrenaline rush and embraced a new one.
If it was one or the other, could he choose?
Chapter 39
Angela stared out the window at Ryan as the cab pulled away from the curb. Every ounce of her being longed to go back to him. It made no sense to her that she was driving away when he needed her the most. He had no other family there to support him, not even his friends. She was the one he’d asked to be by his side while he received a great honor from his police family.
Instead of being able to value that, she’d been too easily frightened off by the sheer number of uniforms that had surrounded her. Not only was she disappointed in herself, she was angry.
For years she’d believed that she was worthless, that she would never find a man to love her. Now she had an amazing man who apparently adored her, and she couldn’t be what he needed.
It broke her heart to think of him sitting alone. He’d acted as if he’d understood. He said it wasn’t her fault, but she knew better. It was her fault.
Maybe he shouldn’t have surprised her, but he was right. If he’d have told her what it was beforehand she would have come up with some excuse not to attend. She thought she’d have more time to overcome the phobia that had plagued her for so long.
Anger mounted deep in the pit of her stomach as she thought about the way she’d turned away from him. He needed her loyalty, and instead, she’d turned and run away.
As self-loathing kicked in, she felt as if she’d regressed to the place she’d been years ago. She wanted to be someone she simply couldn’t be, and she had to find a way to let that go. Or—she sat up straighter as she had the thought—she had to find a way to overcome what was holding her back. Maybe this was just that opportunity.
Could she let it pass her by? It was a risk. If she tried and didn’t succeed, she could embarrass Ryan in front of his coworkers. But if she didn’t try, would he ever be able to forgive her?
She tapped the driver on the shoulder.
“Take me back, please.”
“Back?”
“Yes, please. I’ll pay the full fare.”
“Okay.” He shrugged and turned the cab around.
When she stepped out of the cab her legs threatened to buckle. She steadied herself and did her best to walk with confidence up to the door. When she pulled it open she was faced with wall-to-wall police officers. Of course there were some spouses there too, but all she saw was the uniforms.
One step at a time Angela. That’s all it takes.
She coached herself through a few steps inside the door. As she began to get closer, suddenly everyone stood up. It didn’t occur to her that they were standing in order to honor the man who’d walked across the stage. All she saw was the sudden movement of every uniformed officer in the country club. She gulped back a cry and ducked right back out the doors and into the parking lot.
Hot tears burned at her eyes. She’d tried and failed yet again. Ryan deserved so much more than that. He deserved someone to be sitting there as his cheering section. He needed someone he could rely on, not someone who would flake out when he needed her the most.
The more she thought about it, the more she realized that she wasn’t being fair to him. He’d had an entire life before he met her, and now she’d changed it. She changed the way he thought about his work, and even himself, all because she was hung up on a past experience.
Maybe it was best that she didn’t show up for him that night. In the long run, she’d prove to be a coward anyway. It was better that he knew the truth now, than to have to face it a few years down the road.
She looked around and realized the cab had gone. Before calling for another one, she paced back and forth in the cool night air. The thought of never seeing Ryan again filled her with a sense of loss that threatened to consume her.
This wasn’t just any man that she’d decided to date. This was a man who had chosen her, who had seen what he wanted within her and made the decision for both of them so that they could be together. He was the person she’d thought would never actually show up, and when he did, he didn’t shy away from her fear. He was brave enough to overcome it. This was the moment that revealed whether she could be brave too.
After a few deep breaths she turned back to the door again. Maybe she wouldn’t get much further, but she was going to try.
Chapter 40
Walking back through the doors after Angela had gone was difficult. Sitting down at a table with fellow police officers and their spouses was difficult. But the empty chair beside him was the hardest part.
To his surprise, Ryan didn’t feel any animosity toward Angela. It was hard to look at the empty chair, because the thought of not having her beside him for any reason overwhelmed him. He knew that she might be thinking she’d let him down. But guilt pressed heavily on him. If he’d only waited a little bit longer, maybe neither of them would have gone through this.
When Ryan’s name was called to accept the award, he considered not going up the three steps to the stage. The hearty round of applause that surrounded him reminded him that the award was not just about him. It was about every officer who’d put himself in danger in the line of duty.
He stood up from the table and walked toward the stage. When he reached the podium and gazed out across the room, a sense of pride swelled within him. The very uniforms that frightened Angela made him feel safe and part of something larger than himself.
A twinge of hesitation carried through him. Was this really something that he could leave behind? He’d promised Angela he would do anything for her. But could he really turn in his badge?
He smiled as he accepted the award and shook the hand of the chief, who’d handed it to him. But it all felt more like an act than reality.
When he turned back to the podium to offer a small speech, his voice caught in his throat. What could he say? Thanks for the award, but I’m ready to retire? Thanks for sticking by my side in dangerous situations, but now love is more important to me?
All of it sounded ridiculous. But what seemed even more unreasonable was the thought of Angela never becoming comfortable with his career. Now he understood that some things really could be more important. If it meant he had to give up everything to be with her, he would.
The expectant faces of his audience indicated that they were waiting for a speech. The award itself was heavy in his grasp as he cleared his throat. Just when he didn’t think he’d be able to figure out what to say, the words began to flow. It wasn’t about saying the right thing, it was about speaking his truth.
“I want to thank everyone here tonight. I know that it’s my name on this award, but you all know that we work as a team. If it wasn’t for all of you, I wouldn’t even be here to accept this award. No matter what happens in the future, know just how much your support and your guidance has meant to me over the years. To all you rookies out there, keep working hard. This job isn’t about a paycheck, or about awards, it’s about the people who need us—our community, our neighbors, our families, and most of all, our fellow officers.” As his voice trailed off, his chest tighte
ned with a mixture of pride and grief. He did love his job, and he believed every word he was saying.
The entire crowd stood up to applaud. As he smiled at their faces, he recognized a certainty rooted within him. No matter what he decided, his police family would stand by him.
When his gaze locked with one person in particular, everything he thought he knew vanished from his mind. His breath caught and warmth traveled along his spine. He left the stage and climbed down the stairs.
Chapter 41
“Open the door. Just open the door.” Angela gripped the handle and gave it a hard tug.
She stepped inside the door and held her breath for a moment. At least with everyone sitting down, there wasn’t as much of a similarity to her memories of long ago. But when a man in uniform approached her, she could barely keep herself inside the door.
“Ma’am, can I help you with something?”
“I just wanted to see the awards.”
“Well, this is invitation only. Are you a police officer?” He narrowed his eyes, just like Ryan always did. She guessed it was a cop thing.
“No.” She tilted her head toward the table where Ryan sat. “My boyfriend is.”
“Okay. I’ll take you to his table.” He offered her his arm.
“No, that’s okay. Thanks. I’d just like to be near the door.” She took a step back.
He raised his eyebrows. “Are you sure? It’s no trouble. It’s rather hard to see from back here.”
“I’m sure.”
He patted her shoulder and smiled. “He’s a good man. You should be proud. He’s done a lot of good.”
As he walked away, her eyes welled with tears. She didn’t even have to tell the officer Ryan’s name for him to know who she was there for. His reputation had to be impeccable. Yet she’d almost missed a very important moment in his career.
When she heard Ryan’s name announced she hoped that he’d notice her standing there. But by the time he looked out at the audience she could tell that he hadn’t seen her. The last thing she wanted was for him to look out and see no one there for him.
Forty and Free: A Sweet Romance Series Bundle - Books 1 - 4 Page 49