Yesterday's Half Truths

by Carey Heywood

Once Nat and our mom’s attention is on the game, I move my folding chair closer to Sasha’s. “How are you doing?”

  She smirks at me. “I know you’re to blame for Nat wanting to hang out with me all the time now.”

  I hold my hands up in mock surrender. “I can’t help it, I’m only looking out for my baby sis.”

  She leans toward me and kisses my cheek. “Thank you for being such an amazing brother.”

  I reach out to grab her hand and give it a squeeze before our attention is pulled over to the field and an almost goal by my nephew. We both stare at Nat as she has what can only be described as seizure-like symptoms on the sideline as she cheers her boy on. Keith seems completely amused by her team spirit as their other son sleeps in his arms.

  How Nate is sleeping through all this racket, I have no idea. Sasha catches my eye and we both crack up. Mom gives us both a look, which only causes us to crack up more. Chris and every other player on the field are four years old. I never knew how utterly entertaining it is to watch a bunch of four year olds try to kick a ball.

  I make a mental note to try to find out if peewee leagues play on the field by Lindsay’s house. She might be nervous around adults, but maybe I could talk her into watching little kids play. For some reason I think she’d get a kick out of it. I pull out my phone and record a couple of clips to send her.

  During one of his breaks, Chris comes and sits with me. It’s weird to think my sister has kids, but at least they turned out cute. They seem normal, too. I glance over at my sister’s whacked out cheering again. With her as their mom, I’m not sure how long their normalness will hold; it currently must be all Keith’s doing.

  After the game, we all go out to eat. Chris’ team didn’t win but he took it in stride. A chocolate banana smoothie assisted in his getting over it. While I don’t try to push my diet ideas on my family, they are supportive in not taking me to fast food places or serving overly processed stuff while I’m around.

  That does not mean Chris has never had a Happy Meal. It’s easy for me to eat the way I do; I only have to worry about myself. I’ve never had to run from the office to pick up the kids from daycare and figure out dinner and soccer practice. It’d be cool if there were more restaurants serving healthy options on the go.

  Either way, it’s not something I push when I’m in a group. With a couple of substitutions, I can eat guilt free at most restaurants. I head back to my place afterward. I invite Sasha to follow me home and hang out; but Nat beat me to it, and the two of them are going Christmas shopping.

  I do all my shopping online. I’m not a fan of malls, particularly this time of year. The crowds get to me; I can’t even imagine how Lindsay would handle it. I can’t help but laugh at the thought. Depending on the guy, the fact she never wants to leave her house might be more pro than con. I’ve dated a couple girls who dragged me to the mall, leading me from one store to another, a glorified bag carrier. No, thank you.

  I leash up Loki and take him for a walk as soon as I get home. On nice days, he disdainfully deals with it. Unfortunately, what was an okay morning is morphing into a gross day. It started drizzling on my way back from lunch. That combined with the chill in the air leads to one cold and wet dog. He resists even the shorter of normal walks and gives me the best bulldog pout I’ve ever seen.

  I take pity on him and head back inside. After I’ve towel dried him and offered him a treat, he licks my hand in forgiveness before passing out in his doggie bed.

  I send Clay a text to tell him about the show and call Lindsay.

  “Yes?” she answers.

  Yes, she answers.

  “Hey, I wanted to give you as much advance notice as possible that our March sessions might be impacted by a job opportunity I’ve gotten.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I received an offer to be a guest trainer on a weight loss show and will be out of town filming that month.”

  “Does this mean I’ll have to train with someone else?” she asks.

  “No, not at all. It only means that, due to the time difference, we might have to move your web sessions around for that month. Oh, and I won’t be able to walk to the field with you.”

  “I figured as much. What are you doing with all your other clients, the ones who train with you at the gym?”

  “I haven’t spoken to any of them yet, but I’m going to have other trainers cover me while I’m gone.”

  “So, I’m the only client you’d keep training? Can you do that?”

  “Like I said before, the timing might be weird but I’d like to try to keep training you, virtually at least.”

  “Why wouldn’t you ask if another trainer could work with me?” she asks, defensively.

  “I didn’t think you would be comfortable with someone other than me,” I snap.

  “You’re probably right,” she agrees quietly. “You’re like a ‘my kind of crazy person’ whisperer.”

  “You’re what?” I laugh.

  “Have you ever watched the dog whisperer or I think there’s a movie about a horse whisperer, too. They have a special talent for doing what no one can do.”

  “So, even though I annoy the crap out of you, I can get you to do things no one else can?” I joke, already knowing the answer.

  “It is decidedly so.”

  I did freak out a bit when Luke told me what show he was going to be on. I watch that show, every single season. This is a huge deal; and it could make him a household name. As happy as I am for him, I can’t help but mourn the inevitability of his presence in my life. Luke is going places; and considering the fact I was barely going anywhere (does a field behind my house count?), my crush on him has reached its expiration date.

  That he still wants to work my sessions into his schedule while he’s off in Cali becoming famous is another example of what a good guy he is. He knows I wouldn’t be able to handle training with someone new. Instead of dropping me, he’s going to rearrange his stuff so I still fit in it.

  I have moved over to my computer and am pulling up the show to see if they have officially announced him yet. They haven’t. Before I pull away, I get a message from Sasha.

  Hey, is there something going on with you and my brother?

  Cue mouth drop. Why would you ask that?

  My mom asked about you. Luke mentioned you to her and she was curious, tried to pump me for information, which got me curious.

  Strictly trainer-trainee relationship. What did he say to your mom?

  That he drove out to your house and went for a walk with you!!!!!!! Please marry my brother so I can have all your hand me downs ;)

  Holy crap! He talked to his mom about coming to see me.

  LOL! He was probably just in the area. No big deal.

  Big deal, big friggin’ deal.

  If you say so…

  Seriously, Sasha. I’m too busy for guys right now.

  I wish I were too busy for guys. I got dumped.

  Oh, sorry, babe!

  Why can’t I get a boyfriend?

  Whew! Conversation is now safely away from her brother.

  It will happen when the time is right. Don’t rush life.

  You’re right.

  Hey, I gotta run. I’ll ttyl <3

  Bye, babe.

  I don’t hesitate. I call Luke.

  “Hey, Lindsay.”

  “You told your mother about me?”

  “Ahh.”

  “What did you say to her?”

  “Nothing important I swear. I only told her you were a friend of Sasha’s and we went for a walk.”

  “Sasha thinks we should get married,” I snap.

  “I can kill her if you’d like,” he replies.

  Coco ambles out of my bedroom and jumps onto my lap. “Luke,” I huff.

  “I’m sorry. I had dinner with my mom the other night and mentioned you in passing. I should have known she would have read more into it. She’s hell-bent on me settling down.”

  I absentmindedly pet C
oco. “I can’t believe you would talk about me.”

  “I swear I didn’t say anything other than what I told you. Do you want my mom’s number? You can ask her yourself.”

  “I’m not going to call your mother.” I gasp, my mouth dropping.

  “Of course, I forgot. I’m surprised you’re even talking to me considering…” he trails off. “I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again.”

  “This makes me so uncomfortable.”

  “That’s the last thing I was trying to do. I wasn’t even thinking. My mom asked what I’ve been doing and it came out. I didn’t know she would ask Sasha about it.”

  “Do you talk about your clients with your mom a lot?”

  “No, never.”

  I stand, needing to walk around. “Why did you mention me then?”

  “You’re different from my other clients.”

  “How?”

  “None of them have my telephone number.”

  I straighten, annoying Coco and she moves to sit on my sofa. “Really?” I ask, surprised.

  “Really, and I don’t talk or text with them on days when we don’t have sessions.”

  “Or meet them outside of the gym?” I ask, my curiosity getting the better of me.

  “Or meet them outside of the gym,” he confirms, and then adds, “I have one former client I hang out with named Clay. I’ve mentioned you to him too.”

  “Why would you tell your friend about me?”

  “I don’t know. I think you’re cool and he’s good with computers so I told him about you when I asked him for help setting up the web chat.”

  “Oh.”

  He thinks I’m cool.

  “Are you still mad at me?”

  “Yes, but not as much as I was when I first called.”

  “So, do you forgive me?”

  Forgive him? I’m learning it’s impossible to stay upset with him. “I suppose, but please don’t talk to Sasha about me. It makes it weird when she messages me about you.”

  “Deal. I promise I won’t say anything else.”

  “I told her we walked together because you were in the area, you know, in case she asks you.”

  “What should I tell her if she asks where I go every Saturday?”

  “I don’t know. Think of something.”

  A door shuts in the background. “I’m not going to lie to my family.”

  “Well maybe you should stop coming up here then.”

  “Not going to happen.”

  “I could always say no,” I hedge.

  “I think you like hanging out with me.”

  “You’re crazy.” But right, and that scares me more than anything else does.

  “So, other than my sister trying to set us up, how are you?”

  “Not much has changed since the last time we talked, Luke.”

  “Maybe I don’t feel like hanging up just yet.”

  “Why?” I whisper.

  “I like talking to you?”

  “I’m not that interesting.”

  “I disagree. I think you’re fascinating.”

  I freeze. “You do?”

  “You’re the most unique woman I have ever known.”

  “But, I don’t go anywhere or do anything,” I argue.

  “Doesn’t matter. I’ve never met anyone like you and I’m enjoying getting to know you.”

  “I’m nothing special; just a girl scared of the world outside her door.”

  “You might have been, but not now. Now you’re one of the bravest people I know.”

  “You know that isn’t true.”

  “Think about it, Lindsay; think about all the things you’ve done since we met.”

  My breath catches as I find myself unable to dispute what he said.

  “Coco got your tongue?” he teases.

  I can’t help it. Glancing over at my sleeping feline, I giggle at his terrible joke.

  “Promise you’re not angry at me.”

  “I promise.”

  When neither of us says anything for a moment, I start to say goodbye but he says something at the same time that’s lost beneath my own words.

  “What?” I ask, as he says, “I didn’t hear what you said?”

  I laugh again and wait for a moment to see if he’s going to speak again. “I was starting to say I should go, but I didn’t hear what you were saying.”

  “Oh.” He pauses. “It was nothing. So, still on for our web session Tuesday?”

  Um. “Yes, I’ll be there or here. Well, you know what I mean.”

  “Goodbye, Lindsay.”

  “Bye, Luke,” I sigh.

  After we hang up, I hold my phone to my chest, pressed right up against my heart. The smartest thing I could do at this point is stay far away from him. Sadly, it seems his presence may be my latest guilty pleasure. He’s been quite vocal about what he’ll do if I try to stop seeing him. He’ll knock on my door until I give in.

  I don’t know what’s worse, that I’ll give in or that he knows it. Somehow, I’ve interacted, face to face, with another human being and the world did not end. That’s not to imply I intend to interact with anyone other than Luke. It only means I need to stop fighting it as hard as I have been.

  The struggle is becoming repetitive considering Luke always wins. It’s wasted time. Besides, if it’s less of a struggle in my mind, I can focus on my weight loss and not my trainer. When all the extra weight is gone, he will be as well and I can go back to the way I was.

  This week I’m writing a post on making the clothes, you already have look new and fresh. I try to post something like this monthly. I might have caviar tastes when it comes to fashion, but I’m still on a budget. The majority of my designer duds are purchased on mega sales or second hand via eBay.

  There have been a few select occasions where I’ve paid retail. I try not to buy anything ridiculously expensive unless it is also versatile. These monthly re-wear posts are so popular because I’m not the only fashionista with limited funds.

  Sharing a two bedroom with a cat means I have tons of closet space. I keep all my bags and shoes in the closet of the second bedroom. That closet also holds off-season items I alternate back into my main closet when the seasons change. It’s there I grab a light summer dress to use for my post. Layered with leggings, and a cowl neck shirt underneath and tall boots it totally works for winter.

  I sort through the sweaters in my main closet before settling on a beige one with a subtle gold herringbone pattern. The dress is navy blue with wide pleats and pockets. Even if I don’t love the way a dress looks, I’ll still give it a shot if it has pockets. I slip it on and drag the zipper upward. Stepping into my bathroom, I stand in front of the full-length mirror.

  Staring at my reflection, I can see, for the very first time, the difference in my body. The last time I wore this dress, it had a snug fit to it. Now, it’s almost baggy. Clothes that don’t fit well are normally a fashion don’t; but today, pulling the loose fabric away from my body, I never want to take this dress off.

  Seeing as how I enjoy things like showering and wearing other clothes, I’ll have to at some point. So now, I walk to my second bedroom and grab my pincushion. Given what a crapshoot sizing can be when purchasing clothes online, I’ve become a decent seamstress altering the stuff that doesn’t fit.

  Taking this dress in a bit at the seams will take no time. Having lost enough weight to make it necessary, is the highlight of my month. Once I have the dress off and pinned where I plan to take it in, I change into a long-sleeved jersey maxi dress, with a stretch that conforms to my new shape.

  This dress is the closest thing to a winter friendly, fashionable moo-moo there is. It’s the perfect outfit to sit at my sewing machine. Once I flip the switch and the motor whirls into life, Coco comes to join me. She’s attracted to my sewing machine like a moth to a flame. If she isn’t trying to bat at the thread as I sew, she’s curled up against the casing of the machine.

  The vibrations coming off it lull her to sl
eep, crazy cat. A hunger pang strikes halfway through and I ignore it, more excited about the dress than my dinner. Before I started working with Luke, I had such an unhealthy relationship with food. Food was my reward when I was happy about something and my solace when I wasn’t.

  Now, I see food as what it is meant to be: the fuel my body needs. If I want to reward myself, I can do it with a bubble bath or a good book. Sure, I still crave some things. Pinterest can be riddled with landmines when it comes to lusting over food. My current food craving is cupcakes. Right now, it feels like every person I know is pinning recipes for cooking them or decorating them.

  Sitting here, altering this dress to fit a smaller me tastes better than any cupcake I’ve ever had. Once I’ve finished and turned off my sewing machine, to Coco’s annoyance, I change back into it. Does it make me less of a liar if I’m photo shopping less of the real me away?

  The anxiety I still have over the act is my answer. As long as I’m doing something beyond the standard lighting fixes, I will be lying. Today was another step. It was hopefully the first in many of its kind, the ones where I can see the hard work paying off. I set the dress and one other outfit to the side, for tomorrow’s post.

  After that, I start going through my closet in earnest to pull everything I know will not fit me anymore. When I’m finished, I move the too big clothes into my second bedroom and pile them on the floor. There’s no point in altering everything tonight. When, not if, I drop another size or two, I’ll only need to do it again.

  I’m organized to a fault. Normally, a pile like this would give me hives. Not this one, this isn’t a pile; it’s a mountain, and even better, it’s one I’ve already scaled.

  I’m working on a last-minute holiday season shopping guide when I wonder if I should get Luke a gift. Would it be weird? What if he gets me one and I don’t have one for him? What if I get him one and he doesn’t have one for me and then thinks I like him as more than a friend?

  Friends exchange gifts. That’s an assumption based mainly off CW programming though. It’s not as if I have a real life friend other than Coco. I’m the crazy cat lady with only one cat. If it isn’t happening virtually, I have a decade old reference on how to respond to social ques.