Heart's Desire

by Lanigan, Catherine

  Being excruciatingly brutal about herself, Maddie accepted that back in high school, she had loved Nate. She had loved him completely, utterly, naively, with that kind of first love that only the young experience. The kind of love that allows the young to dive head, heart and soul first without reservation or experience to throw off caution and red flags. It was this young love that Maddie had read about in poetry and the romantic novels in high school. Perhaps her studies had meant so much to her back then because that world of emotion was the world in which she was immersed with Nate.

  It was a childhood thing.

  But not a childish thing, she had now come to realize.

  She and Nate had both gone their separate ways, growing and changing their views of the world. Or maybe they hadn’t changed so much.

  The fact was that Nate had come back here to Indian Lake.

  Nate was a doctor now. He’d fulfilled his dream, and she was happy about that.

  Maddie hauled a twenty-five-pound bag of flour out of the bottom cabinet. She felt the muscles strain in her lower back.

  Maddie had to admit she couldn’t keep up this pace for much longer. She was going to need her rest or she’d get sick. For the first time, she seriously considered hiring someone to help her do the night baking. If she had a helper, she could get her own baking done between five and seven, have a normal dinner, maybe even with friends, and be in bed by nine. It was doable.

  She looked out the small kitchen window and realized the sun had just broken the dawn. It was another day. A new day.

  That meant she had another twenty-four hours during which she would wrestle with herself over the problem of what to do about Nate.

  Blunt self-honesty told her that the real reason she pushed herself so hard was that if she was working ninety to nothing, then she didn’t have to think about Nate. And right now, the last thing she wanted was to be reminded that she had Nate Barzonni’s cell number in her phone. And she still had not called him.

  Since Easter Sunday, when she’d delivered her much-gossiped-about punch to his stomach, her one constant thought was that until she picked up the phone and called him, she would not have her answers.

  Oh, she had tried.

  With her hand shaking, she’d picked up the phone a dozen times to place the call. She’d chickened out every single time.

  Though she’d rehearsed what she would say to him, she kept changing her mind. Her conversation with Sarah on Easter Sunday had replayed so many times in her brain, the tape had been stripped of all meaning, until she didn’t know what was conjecture and what was real.

  The bottom line was that she would never know the truth until she talked to Nate. Her decision now was whether she wanted to do that at all.

  She was terrified that Sarah had been right. If it was true that she had pushed Nate away, that he hadn’t abandoned her as she had told herself he had for eleven years, then she had based her entire adult existence on a self-inflicted lie.

  “Self-inflicted” was the operative key.

  She had to face the fact that the Maddie she had chosen to believe she was wasn’t the real Maddie at all. Maddie had been holding a self-sabotaging pity party for herself since high school, and she had blamed Nate’s abandonment on her family and social status. Deep down, she hadn’t thought she was good enough.

  Maddie longed for a new start. In Chicago? With Alex?

  Thinking about Alex, Maddie realized all too clearly that while she did want to be successful, mostly she wanted a life filled with joy and friends and good times. Maddie couldn’t help wondering what her life would have been like if she had faced up to her participation in her breakup with Nate back when they were seventeen. Would she have left Indian Lake? Would he have had to leave the way he did, surrounded in mystery and secrets?

  Maddie added the eggs and flavoring to the sugar and butter, then slowly folded in the sifted dry ingredients.

  She placed colorful paper cupcake holders in greased muffin tins, then measured the batter into each holder. She placed the first batch of cupcakes into the oven and set the timer.

  Maddie went to her office and checked the phone for messages.

  “Hi, Maddie. Jake here from New Buffalo. Say, we had a killer crowd this weekend already. So, I’m going to ramp up our standing order. I’m going to need three dozen cupcakes on a daily basis. Then eight dozen for Saturday and Sunday. Sorry, I mean sixteen dozen for the weekends. Let’s see how that works out. Give me half chocolates of various kinds. Your choice. Then lots of lemon and strawberry. Nothing healthy. Surprise me. They all sell, so it doesn’t matter. If there’s a problem, give a ring. Ciao.”

  “Are you kidding me?” Maddie smiled as she scratched notes into her order binder. The next message came on. “I’m trying to reach Maddie Strong of Cupcakes and Coffee Café. This is Mia at Alex Perkins’s office. I’m calling to confirm your appointment with Alex on Tuesday with both Alex and Mr. Stapleton. Alex told me to tell you that he expects the meeting will take about three hours and he is looking forward to seeing you. He will call you personally as well.”

  She hit the recorder again. This time it was Alex’s voice. “Hey, beautiful. I left a message on your cell, but it must not have gone through, so I’m trying the café. I’m going to send a car for you on Tuesday. I’ll give you details later. Call me when you can. I’ll be in the office at eight. Take care.”

  The recorder beeped.

  Maddie sank into her office chair and ran her fingers through her hair. “Wow. A real investor.” She stared at the phone. Alex.

  She felt the blood in her veins turn to ice as she faced the unknown. She balled her fists. “I can do this,” she told herself and glanced at herself in the antique gilt mirror she’d hung on the wall next to her desk so that she could always check her hair and lipstick before greeting customers. “I can do this. I want to do this. I will succeed in doing this.”

  Her gleaming green eyes stared back at her. The girl in the mirror seemed genuinely confident. It was not bravado. She believed what she said.

  Maddie rose from the chair and went to the front of the café and turned the closed sign around to open. She unlocked the door and started back toward the counter to finish preparing the coffeepots for the self-serve counter.

  She passed by her vintage Vesubio Espresso Machine, which she’d won on a bid on eBay. The machine was her pride and joy, and truly a focal point of the café’s decor. The top, which was emblazoned with an eagle motif and the name of the unit, lifted off to reveal the basket for the coffee inside. The copper-and-brass unit was heavy, impossibly well made and fourteen inches tall and about six inches wide. She hoped she could convince James Stapleton that it would be a signature move to install Vesubio espresso/cappuccino machines in all her franchise shops.

  Maddie took a deep breath, remembering George’s warning that all negotiations were a matter of compromise, and not to get her heart set on any one detail. The moment she did, the deal would be dead. She knew she’d have to make a lot of compromises in order to turn profits because that was what investors cared about.

  As always, the unit heated up quickly. The first cup of coffee she made each morning was for her personal consumption. There was always enough steam left over for the milk. Because all espresso machines held the danger of building up too much steam and exploding, she never let Chloe use the machine. If someone wanted espresso, cappuccino or latte, Maddie was the barista.

  Although, if James did invest in her franchise, Maddie would be expected to help with the opening of the first cafés. Circumstances would force her to loosen the reins. Chloe would be the barista in Indian Lake.

  So many changes.

  She took out one of her oversize, white stoneware cappuccino cups and saucers, still warm from the industrial dishwasher, and started her cappuccino.

  She steamed the
milk and spooned it on top of her coffee, then drew a leaf design through the foam. It was an unnecessary touch that she, as the owner, probably shouldn’t spend the time doing, but Maddie wouldn’t have a minute to herself for the rest of the day. This was her treat.

  As she finished the leaf design, the little bell over the café door jingled.

  “Be right with you,” Maddie said without looking up from her pretty cappuccino.

  “Maddie?”

  His voice struck her heart with a strong hand, like that of a Greek god who came to earth to enchant humans and make them dance to his will.

  She continued to stare at the dissipating foam in her coffee. He couldn’t possibly be here. Not here, on her sacred ground.

  “Can I talk to you?” Nate asked.

  She raised her head slowly and gazed at him.

  His blue eyes were like long-remembered azure summer skies so crystal clear, it stung to look at them.

  “No,” she heard herself reply.

  She walked up to him and without another word, she kissed him.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  FROM THE INSTANT her lips touched his, they were like kids again, so intensely in love there was no room in their world for anything else. Time seemed just a tick off, a second slower than real time. Their love was familiar, it was safe and they’d found it again.

  Nate’s arms went around Maddie’s waist and to the small of her back. She held the nape of his neck, let her fingers remember his strength. Tracing the slope of neck where it met with his shoulders and back, just under the collar of his jacket and shirt, her fingers settled into their familiar grooves, comforted by the sameness of it all. She tilted her head and slanted her mouth over his again, taking in his smell of vanilla and spice. He held her so tightly, she thought she would never breathe again.

  She hadn’t asked any of the right questions of him. But she’d been through so much confusion in the past few weeks, the truth to her was that the angels were blessing her in this moment. She had wanted to see him, she understood now. To be with him. She wanted to pretend the past eleven years had never happened. She wanted to know if his kisses would ever be, could ever be, how she remembered them.

  And they were.

  And more.

  She honestly didn’t know how she was standing on her own legs without the support of his arms. Reining herself in was absolutely out of the question. This moment might never come to her again. She let the last of her recalcitrant emotions out of her heart. The kiss was thrilling and reckless and frightening.

  Just then, the bell over the front door dinged. “Hey, Maddie!” Chloe Knowland said as she shut the door behind her.

  Maddie jerked out of Nate’s arms in a flash. She smoothed her hair. Nate swiped his palm over his face.

  “Hey, Chloe. Good morning,” Maddie said. “Cappuccino’s up. You want one?”

  Chloe looked at Nate, nodded as she would to any stranger, and walked past him to stash her purse and jacket in Maddie’s office. “I’ll pass. Maybe a latte later. I’ll get busy on the cooked icings.”

  “You do that. I was just getting a cappuccino for...” Maddie caught Nate’s eye and smiled. “Our customer.”

  “Cool. Did you get the cash drawer out yet?”

  “No.” Maddie continued to stare at Nate.

  His eyes delved into hers.

  “I’ll do it,” Chloe shouted from the office.

  Nate took a step closer to Maddie. He smoothed the back of her hair. “I still want to talk to you,” he said.

  “Yeah?” She felt her mouth go dry. Suddenly, she was so nervous. She felt like a robber who’d just been caught during a jewel heist.

  “Should I come over to your house tonight?” he asked.

  “My mother’s house by the tracks? I don’t live there anymore.”

  He stuck his hands in his pockets. “Stupid. Of course you don’t. That was a long time ago.”

  “Yeah. Long time.” She looked down at the floor. She felt so shy she almost didn’t recognize her own reactions. Two minutes ago she was kissing him, and now she was tongue-tied and couldn’t think of a thing to say.

  “How about lunch?”

  “That’s my busy time. It’s just Chloe and me, and we get a good crowd for our bagel and croissant sandwiches.”

  “Okay. You name it. Tonight, dinner—I don’t care. But Maddie...” He took her hand. “Can we make it soon? I’m only in town for two days.”

  Her head snapped up and she stared at him. “You’re going away again?”

  “It’s a long story. But I’ll be back soon. And I need to talk to you first. Tonight. I can meet you.”

  “Well, okay. Seven o’clock. Come back here. But only if you answer one question first.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Did you, er, I mean, you’ve been gone a long time. Are you married?”

  Nate peered blankly at her for a long moment, as if he hadn’t heard the question right. “Me?”

  “Yes. You.”

  “But you’re the one getting married,” he countered with a distinct grimace of loss.

  “Where did you get that idea?”

  “I saw you. Through the window at the Bridal Corner. You were wearing a wedding gown. When is the wedding?”

  A vengeful smile played across Maddie’s lips, but she quickly licked it away. In her new life, she wasn’t going to allow even minuscule flutters of sabotaging emotions to take root in her psyche. The new Maddie would be built on truth and understanding, respect for others, honesty and fairness. She wasn’t going to play games in any of her relationships. “I’m not engaged and I’m not getting married. I was trying on the dress for Sarah. We’re planning her wedding. It’s at the end of June. It’s going to be—”

  “You were beautiful,” he said, interrupting her. “I thought you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. I swear, my heart fell right out of my chest when I saw you.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. There’s no one for me, either,” he said.

  She pursed her lips. “I know there isn’t,” she said confidently.

  “Oh, ho. How’s that?”

  “A man who kisses a woman like you just kissed me cannot possibly be with anybody else.”

  “I was thinking the same thing myself,” he said and kissed her very soundly on the mouth before leaving through the front café door.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  AT THREE MINUTES to seven, Nate rapped on the café door and Maddie, who had been waiting anxiously, unlocked it for him.

  “Hi, Nate,” Maddie said, gazing into his handsome face. His blue eyes blazed right through her like early dawn striking the horizon. She stood back for him to enter.

  She was still wearing her work clothes, though she’d freshened her makeup. He leaned over and kissed her cheek. Just the feel of his lips on her skin made her tingle all over. She didn’t know if she’d just shivered, but she should have.

  She just knew her cheeks were flaming.

  I could have laid off the blusher, she chided herself.

  “How are you tonight?” she asked.

  “Tired. Can we sit?”

  “Sure.”

  Nate took a step back and Maddie led him to the little round table in the corner by the window. He gently placed his hand on the small of her back, just as he used to when they walked anywhere together. She had forgotten this simple gesture, forgotten how protected, even cherished, she had felt when he did it. She wondered now if he treated all women that way, or if it was a special gesture, meant only for her. She had to guess there had been dozens of women for him over the past decade. Maybe more.

  While Nate sat, Maddie pulled the café curtains closed.

  “Afraid of being seen with me?
” he said with a wry smile.

  “No one needs to know we’re here,” she replied, moving nervously toward the counter. “I’ll get us a cappuccino.”

  “It’s okay,” he said. “I came to see you.”

  “I know, but you look like you’re asleep on your feet.” She ground the beans and steamed the milk, then drew tall pine trees in the foam. She grabbed two yellow cloth napkins and two spoons, then placed the coffee in front of him. “Here’s some natural sugar if you like.”

  “Thanks,” he said, adding a spoonful to the coffee. “This is gorgeous.” He cast her an appreciative eye as he took his first sip. Without a word, he sipped three more times. Putting down the mug, he exclaimed, “Even in Italy I haven’t had cappuccino this delicious. How—”

  “I buy my beans from a great Italian supplier in Chicago. Giovanni is the best. He’s shown me a lot of ropes,” she said, tasting her own drink.

  “Maddie, I’m sorry.”

  She froze. “What?”

  He grabbed her hand before she could hide it in her lap. “I should have told you everything.”

  The old Maddie would have thrown her napkin in Nate’s face and stormed off without allowing him to talk. But the old Maddie hadn’t gotten her too far with Nate. In fact, she had now backtracked all the way to the beginning. They did have a lot to talk about, and because she had absolutely no clue how any of this would turn out, she did the one thing she had never truly done before. She listened.

  “I should have told you where I was going,” he said.

  “The navy?”

  “Yes. The navy.” He took a very deep breath and took a drink of his cappuccino. “That year was a hard year for me, Maddie. Torture, in some ways. A lot of ways. There was more going on than I ever told you about. I don’t know why I didn’t talk to you about it...”

  “Nate. Be honest. We didn’t do much talking.” She laughed.

  “I guess you’re right. Still, in so many ways, you were my best friend.”

  “I was?” Maddie sat back in the chair. She hadn’t expected praise.