Hollywood Rage

by M. Z. Kelly

  “He’s full of shit,” Darby said. “You ask me, the guy was on Weston like a jackrabbit in heat.”

  Woody smiled. “We went at him pretty hard, but he wouldn’t admit to anything.”

  “Did he know that our victim was seeing prostitutes?” Leo asked.

  “He said Tina told him as much, but denied knowing anything more.”

  Olivia sighed. “Okay, let’s call it a day. I’ll put Jenny and Molly on finding out what they can about the Society. In the meantime, if I’m able to get ahold of Marilyn Peters, I’ll try and set something up for tomorrow. If you don’t hear from me, have a nice weekend, or, at the least, what’s left of it.”

  ***

  I once had an epiphany about my life that it was God’s plan to put me in close proximity to as many people as possible who have been put on this earth expressly for the purpose of exhibiting behaviors that are so ridiculous they border on complete madness. So I guess it should have been no surprise that the first evening in my new residence once again drove that point home.

  “Neptune should be here any moment,” Natalie said when Bernie and I walked in the front door. “She wants everyone de-scented.”

  She and Mo were with Nana, Tex, and Howie. “What are you talking about?”

  “Baby sis means that we gotta all take a shower before the house cleansing begins to make sure we don’t interfere with casting out the evil spirits,” Mo explained.

  I rolled my eyes. “Just so you know, I draw the line at communal bathing.”

  “I knew she’d say something like that,” Nana said. “She doesn’t want anyone to see what little she’s got, even though Tex’s virtual reality goggles already proved it.”

  “I can confirm that Kate is indeed a unique specimen,” Tex said.

  “We can do bathtub karaoke together,” Howie said in a voice that I think was meant to impersonate the comedian who created carpool karaoke.

  I rubbed my temples. “I’d sooner swim with sharks.”

  “You can take a shower by yourself, but you’d better hurry it up,” Mo said. “Neptune’s on her way over. Just make sure you don’t use any soap or shampoo. It interferes with the cleansing.”

  I went upstairs and got a change of clothes. Before getting into the shower, I said to Bernie, “If you see a singing moron trying to get in the shower with me, bite first and ask questions later.”

  The shower was one of those rain shower affairs, something that I was enjoying immensely until...

  “Arrrrgh...oh, my God!” I screamed. The water stopped, and I was suddenly covered with a thick black sludge.

  I grabbed a towel, got out of the shower, and yelled downstairs, “I need help!”

  “You shoulda taken a shorter shower,” Natalie said when she and Mo got upstairs. “The sludge buildup starts to interfere with the water flow after a couple minutes.”

  Mo shook her big head at me. “Cleo said it’s old plumbing. He’s gonna have to work on the pipes.”

  I held out my hair. “I’m covered with black goo. I don’t think it will come out.”

  “Let’s get her over to the sink and see what we can do with her,” Mo said to Natalie before dragging me over to the vanity.

  It took them fifteen minutes, but they finally managed to remove the black tar-like substance that was covering me.

  “I can’t believe this,” I fumed. “I’m going...”

  “Neptune needs everybody downstairs now,” I heard Nana saying from behind us.

  I looked into the mirror and saw that she was in my bathroom. She started cackling. “You look like one of those ducks that got stuck in an oil spill.”

  “Get dressed,” Mo said to me, ignoring her. “We can’t keep Neptune waiting.”

  I slipped into a pair of pants and a sweater, and dragged a towel through my hair before going downstairs. I walked into the living room and heard Howie saying to our spiritual housecleaner, “Is Neptune your given name?”

  Our guest was probably in her forties, a bit on the heavy side, with dreadlocks. She spoke with a Jamaican accent. “Me daddy was a big fan of the stars and solar system. The name he chose for me was meant to honor that.”

  “Well, I guess it’s a good thing he didn’t name you Uranus,” Howie said, doubling over with laughter.

  If Neptune was amused, she didn’t show it. After ignoring Howie and making brief introductions, she explained how the cleansing would proceed. “We are going to be fumigating this house just like one of those termite companies be doing. That means we seal up all the windows and doors with plastic wrap, before I light me thurible.”

  “Did she say she’s gonna light a Tribble?” Natalie asked Mo.

  Mo scratched her chartreuse wig. “Not sure.”

  “She said gerbil,” Nana said. “She’s gonna set one of those hamsters on fire.”

  Neptune pulled a metal canister suspended with chains out of her bag. It looked like one of those incense burners used in some church services. “No animals will be harmed in the cleansing of this house. But I must be warning you beforehand, the cleansing oil in me thurible can be considered offensive by some people. The odor is being necessary to cast out the evil spirits.”

  Bernie, probably possessing more sense than all of us combined, took the opportunity to trot off to a corner of the room, where he buried his nose in a paw.

  We all spent the next hour covering the windows and doors with plastic wrap. When we were finished, I said to my friends, “I hope we don’t pass out from whatever she burns in her thurible.”

  “Unintended asphyxiation is a distinct possibility,” Tex said. “The literature of death by gaseous emission is replete with victims who succumbed without knowing what killed them.”

  “My brainy friend is talking about death by farts,” Howie said.

  “Why me?” I groaned as Neptune used a barbecue lighter on her thurible. In a moment, I had a thought that Howie’s analysis might have been right.

  “It smells like burnin’ poo,” Natalie said, covering her nose.

  “Or an outhouse fire,” Nana said. “I think I’m gonna upchuck.”

  “Then go outside,” Mo said. “You barf in here, and it’ll set off a chain reaction. We’ll have one of them barf-o-ramas.” Her face was twisted up like someone at an accident scene. “What is that shit you’re burning?” she asked Neptune.

  “Let us begin upstairs,” Neptune said, her eyes as big as two dark moons. “And I won’t be having no more negative talk about the camel oil in me thurible.”

  “What kind of oil?” Mo asked, using a scarf to cover her nose.

  “Me oil is made with certain dromedary excretions.”

  “She means it’s camel shit,” Nana said. “That explains why the house smells like a circus on fire.”

  We followed Neptune to my bedroom, where a thick black smoke began to emanate from her thurible. I realized that the odor would probably cling to everything in my room, including the clothes hanging in my closet. To make matters worse, I now had a splitting headache from the smoke filling up the house.

  As the evening progressed, Neptune went from room to room, swinging her thurible full of camel oil and chanting, before we eventually ended up downstairs again.

  “This house is clean,” Neptune announced.

  “Not so fast, creepzilla,” Howie said to her. “What about the basement?”

  Neptune looked at us blankly. “Nobody be telling me there was a basement.”

  “It’s got a lock on the door on account of we’re afraid what’s down there,” Mo said.

  “We got a feelin’ Bobby Craven chained up the neighbors and did experiments on ‘em,” Natalie said.

  “We must be cleansing it, too, then,” Neptune said. “Otherwise, the spirits shall be returning.”

  “I just happen to have a pair of bolt cutters,” Tex said. He looked at Natalie. “I keep them handy just in case of a kinkamergency.”

  “A what?” I said, choking on the thick smoke that was still in
the house.

  “In case I need to use some safe words,” Natalie said. “Like, cut the chains!”

  “Kate wouldn’t understand,” Nana said, “given that she’s trying to recapture her virginity.” She looked at Neptune. “Do you have any sex oils in your bag of tricks?”

  Our house cleanser was apparently not in the mood for sex talk. “Get the cutters,” she said to Tex. “We need to be finishing up.”

  Five minutes later, Tex had the door to the basement open. We all followed Neptune down the stairs as she swung her thurible back and forth and chanted, “Be going, be gone, evil spirits shall be hearing me song.”

  When we’d all assembled in the dim basement, Natalie said, “It’s as dark as a bloody cemetery at night. Somebody find a light switch.”

  Howie went over and felt along the wall before finding the switch. “Let there be light,” he said as the room was suddenly illuminated.

  “What the hell?” Mo said, as she went over and examined the shelves along the wall.

  “It looks like the leftovers from a slaughterhouse,” Natalie said after joining her.

  “Or the remains of someone’s insane experiments,” Tex said.

  I walked over to where they were standing. “What is it?”

  Mo picked up one of several jars and held it up to me. “We got us a regular house of horrors down here. These jars are all full of body parts.”

  I saw two eyes staring at me from a liquid in the jar at the same time I heard someone scream. I turned in time to see Neptune running up the stairs.

  “Where you goin’?” Natalie asked her.

  “I got to be running along now,” she said, turning back to us for a moment. Her eyes were wide, like she’d just seen a ghost. “I be sending you me bill.”

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  Haley tightened the cilice around her chest, the barbed instrument of torture cutting into flesh. Blood oozed from the open sores. She used gauze and bandages to stop the bleeding before slipping into her blouse. The pain was intense—perfect.

  As she got into her car and left home, she realized now that she had failed Lizzy. The man, the one she had murdered in their childhood home, was not the one who caused the transformation. She had realized that yesterday while talking to Dr. Tanner.

  “I’m glad you came to see me again,” Dr. Tanner had said. “It’s been...”

  “Three years,” Haley said. “The last time we were together, I was still doing my residency at the hospital.”

  The psychiatrist smiled. “And just think, now you’re a trauma surgeon. Your mother should be very proud.”

  Haley forced a smile. “Yes.”

  The psychiatrist was in her fifties now. Her blonde hair was gray, and she no longer wore makeup. Haley saw the photograph of the young woman on Tanner’s bookcase and mentioned it. “Is she your girlfriend?”

  “We’re married. Two years now.”

  Haley nodded. “I’m happy you’ve finally accepted your feelings.”

  The psychiatrist frowned and shifted in her chair. “Let’s talk about your feelings.”

  Haley laughed. “My feelings. How many years have we spent talking about my feelings?”

  “Feelings are important. They’re a doorway, a harbinger of what’s healthy or unsettled in our lives.”

  “If you say so.” Haley’s gaze drifted off. She wasn’t sure why she’d made the appointment with the psychiatrist. Maybe it was guilt over what she’d done.

  “Are you seeing anyone?” Dr. Tanner asked.

  Haley’s thoughts surfaced. “Not really. I’m busy with work.”

  The shrink studied her. “You don’t have to punish yourself.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Your sister is dead. What happened wasn’t your fault. You deserve to have a life.”

  Haley realized there were tears welling in her eyes. Lizzy had said something similar, but also told her the transformation wasn’t what she’d thought. She exhaled, realizing at that moment Lizzy had been right, she’d made a mistake. The man she’d killed wasn’t the one responsible for the transformation.

  “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

  The psychiatrist’s words forced her thoughts to surface again. She stood. “I’m thinking I have to go.”

  Dr. Tanner called to her as she headed for the door. “But we just started your session.”

  Haley turned back to her. “Sorry. I have something I need to finish.”

  Thoughts of yesterday’s meeting with Dr. Tanner drifted away as Haley pulled her car to the curb. She was at a park where she and Lizzy had played as children. There was a carousel here. As Haley got closer to the man who was waiting for her, she heard the calliope music drifting through the air. The man looked in her direction and smiled. He was the one—the man who had been responsible for Lizzy’s transformation.

  It was time for him to die.

  TWENTY-NINE

  I spent Sunday with my friends and Tex, airing out our house and doing laundry. Unfortunately, Nana and Howie also stopped by late in the day to help out. Even after we’d spent most of the day trying to recover from Neptune’s cleansing, the odor of burnt camel dung still permeated everything.

  After giving up on the cleaning, I flopped down on the sofa and realized my blouse smelled awful.

  I told Natalie and Mo, “I have a feeling that wherever I go, people will be holding their noses and saying, ‘That woman must have some strange medical condition.’”

  “Maybe there’s somethin’ on the Internet ‘bout how to get rid of camel farts,” Mo said to Natalie. “You need to google it.”

  “Already done,” Tex said, coming into the room and overhearing our conversation. “As the saying goes, time heals all wounds, including camel flatulence. We just have to give it some time and let the odor dissipate.”

  I sighed. “Like maybe a couple decades.”

  “So, what did the officers say ‘bout them body parts we found in the basement?” Mo asked me.

  After finding the basement filled with over a hundred jars containing medical specimens, I’d called our crime lab and had them take custody of everything. It took them most of the night to go through the basement and catalog the findings.

  “They think the specimens were left over from a movie filmed here years ago and were borrowed from a museum or maybe a school science lab. They took everything for further analysis and will let us know.”

  “Speakin’ of movie shoots. Just so you know, they’re resuming filming that movie called Evil Possessions tomorrow. Me and baby sis are workin’ security.”

  “Swell, not only does our house smell like burning camel dung, they’ll be conjuring up the devil.”

  “That Bobby Craven bloke was an odd duck,” Natalie said, thinking about the former inhabitant of our home. “I wonder what’s buried in the back yard.”

  We were all looking out the window as I said, “I don’t even want to think about it.”

  Howie and Nana came into the living room from the kitchen, where they’d made themselves some tea. “It’s too bad we didn’t keep those jars full of body parts,” he said, in a voice reminiscent of the deceased actor, Vincent Price.

  “Why is that?” I asked.

  “Tex and I might have been able to reconstitute the parts into a complete human being. We could even have given him a name, like ‘Damien’.”

  “Damien,” I said. “I’ve always thought it would be nice to have a house zombie named after the devil.”

  Nana took a seat across from me and finished her tea. “Howie and I have to be going, but, speaking of zombies, don’t forget I have Jessica and Boris’s engagement party coming up. I expect you all to be there and help with crowd control.”

  “She means sit on the monsters if they start actin’ up,” Mo said.

  Nana looked at me. “I want you to personally see to it that Boris’s mother doesn’t cause any trouble.”

  “Why me?”

  “You’re a cop. You�
�re supposed to know how to deal with her kind.”

  “Yes,” I said. “Ghouls, vampires, and werewolves are my specialty.”

  Nana stood. “I’m having a yoga retreat at my new home studio the day after tomorrow. I want you all to come by. Afterward, we can do some party planning.” She sniffed the air. “In the meantime, maybe you should all take a bath in tomato sauce. I hear it works wonders for skunk odor.”

  After she was gone, Natalie said, “Maybe that’s not a bad idea. I can run to the store and pick up a couple quarts of the stuff.”

  “That would be a complete waste of time,” Tex said. “Tomato sauce only masks the odor. If you’d like, however, I can take a photo of the three of you in the tub covered in sauce and post it on Facebook. It would be priceless.”

  Natalie went over to her purse and gave him some money and a slip of paper. “Forget the sauce, but here’s a list of stuff I need to make a batch of Gutless Gophers.”

  When he was gone, I said, “I’m afraid to ask what you’re fixing for dinner.”

  “Cocktails that are guaranteed to help you sleep through tonight’s haunting.”

  Mo’s dark eyes grew wider. “You really think them ghosts will be coming out, even after Neptune’s cleansing?”

  Natalie shrugged. “I can’t say for sure, but why take any chances? We down a couple of GGs and we won’t care.”

  After they discussed various methods of confronting a ghost, including the use of Tasers and fire, Mo asked me about my cases.

  I saw no harm in mentioning the Society, since she was the one who had originally brought up the group. “You ever heard of a guy named Lazarus? He’s supposedly their founder and may have had some contact with Mel and her sister.”

  “Lazarus, huh? You sure he’s the head honcho?”

  “Pretty sure.” Her gaze had moved off, and she didn’t respond. “What aren’t you telling me?”

  She finally looked back at me. “All I know is some rumors I heard ‘bout the guy. Word has it he’s some kinda nutcase who thinks he’s here to save people.”