“I was calling because we spoke to your agent yesterday about your contract. We want to sign you exclusively for the next six months, specifically to work on the covers for Ellie Waters.”
“Ellie Waters,” I said, my mouth dry.
“You’ll be working directly with Ms. Waters and her photographer. I believe you’re already acquainted with her.”
“Alice,” I said. “Yes. But I—”
“I know that an exclusive contract is a big commitment, but I assure you that we’re willing to pay you more than enough to compensate you for your time. You’re quite a hot commodity on the market right now and we think you’d be perfect for the rest of the covers in the series.”
“Was this, uh, Ms. Waters’ request?”
“No,” said the woman, sounding slightly confused. “Ms. Waters isn’t usually directly involved with the covers at this point, though I know that she likes to be involved with the shoots. She doesn’t choose the models.”
“I see,” I said. I was tempted by the thought of working with Ellie, though I knew how pissed she would be if I took the job. She would hate to work with me directly, but the idea of seeing her again—even seeing her angry, made me want to take the contract. Still, I needed to think about it, take a moment to process it rationally before I made a decision.
“Can I get back to you, Ms. Meyers?” I asked her. “I’d really like to think about it and speak to my agent.”
“Of course,” she said. “When can I expect your decision?”
“I’ll get back to you later today,” I said, then told her goodbye and hung up. I rubbed my hand over my mouth, considering the possibilities. I could take the job, see Ellie again, and try my best to convince her to fall for me, or I could avoid it altogether and not deal with the heartbreak of being rejected again. It seemed worth it just to get a glimpse of her face in that moment, something that I’d thought about constantly since I’d last seen her.
I picked up the phone and dialed Alice, but when she didn’t answer, I decided to go to her house. Luna was at school and though I’d panicked at first about the idea of sending her back, I knew that she was safe now that my wife was out of the way.
I showed up at Alice’s, knocking on her door, and she opened it within a few minutes. She was pantless, but it wasn’t something that bothered either one of us as we went into the house. Alice had never been shy around me and I’d never really cared to look at her in any way but as a friend—we had never clicked romantically, even before I knew she was a lesbian.
“What’s up?” she asked, sitting at her counter and pouring herself a massive bowl of cereal, though it was three in the afternoon. She started to eat it in big bites and I stood across the counter from her.
“I got offered a job working exclusively for Backdoor Publishing,” I said. “As their cover model.”
“Isn’t that Ellie’s publishing company?” she asked.
I nodded and she gave a low whistle. “What are you going to do about that?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Any ideas?”
“It depends on if you think you can win her back or not,” she said. “If not, you’re just going to torture yourself.”
“I know,” I said. “But it might be worth it.”
She gave me a sympathetic look. “You really miss her, don’t you?”
“I can’t stop thinking about her,” I said. “She’s all I think about, Al. It’s driving me crazy. I have to see her.”
“What if she completely refuses to see you?” Alice asked, her voice gentle. “There’s nothing you can do about that.”
“I think she’ll work with me. She knows I’m good for her sales. Have they called you yet?”
“I think I have an email from them. I haven’t checked it. Why?”
“They want you to photograph the shoot,” I told her.
She stared at me, a hesitant look on her face. “Do you think that will make things better or worse? After the last time I saw Ellie, I’m not really sure she’s keen to talk to me.”
“Ellie’s not the kind of person who’s going to be mad at you for this. She knows you didn’t do anything and that it’s my fault. And she likes you. Maybe you can help ease the tension,” I said.
“So you’re going to take the job for sure?”
“I think I am,” I said. The idea of seeing Ellie was too tempting to resist. Even if she rejected me right off the bat, it felt worth it just to be able to see her, to hear her voice, even if it was telling me off.
“Good luck,” Alice said as I was about to leave. I wanted to make the call right away. I wasn’t going to bother calling my agent—I knew by now I was going to take the job. When I got home, I called Cindy Meyers back right away. She was pleased to hear from me and told me I could meet with her the next day. I felt excitement flow through me as I went to pick Luna up later, wondering how things were going to go with Ellie. I had no doubts she would be pissed, I only hoped that she’d give me a chance.
The next day I went to meet with Cindy. Alice was there, and we set up an appointment to do the shoot. I sat across from Cindy at the desk, tapping my fingers nervously. I didn’t know if Ellie was going to show up to this meeting or not, and I didn’t know if I was prepared to see her just yet.
“Is Ellie coming to this meeting?” I asked.
Cindy shook her head. “She couldn’t make it to this one. She’ll be at the shoot, though. I believe it’s at her house.”
“Oh,” I said. “Really?”
“That was her request,” she said. “Do you have a problem with that? If you want, I could try to convince her to do it in the studio.”
“That would be better,” I said. It was less likely that Ellie would walk out on the shoot than it was that she would kick me out before she even let me in the door. Going to her house would bring up memories, too, of being snowed in together, memories that already tormented me every night. I remembered each moment of those days crystal clear and sharp, could almost taste her when I closed my eyes and tried to relive those moments.
21
Ellie
I arrived at the shoot early, worn out from another night of little sleep. The pregnancy was getting to me, making me tired, and all I wanted to do most of the time was lie in bed. I still hadn’t told anybody about it and was still wearing oversized clothes. My belly had grown a bit in the last two weeks; I’d been thankful that Lucas hadn’t seemed to notice that I’d gained a little weight.
I looked around the studio, still wishing it had been at my house. Cindy had told me that the model hadn’t wanted to go out to the lake, so I’d grumbled but agreed to come to the studio. It was so bland, though, stark white and bare. I only hoped that whatever model Cindy sent would be able to brighten the place up a little bit. Compared to Lucas, I had a feeling that nobody would measure up. Nobody looked as good on camera as he did, but that was a dream I’d given up on.
Since I’d seen Lucas, I’d missed him desperately. I felt myself softening with each day, rethinking his explanation of what had happened and coming to see the other side of it. I’d thought each night about calling him just to hear his voice, to hear him say again that he loved me. I’d told him not to say it and yet I craved the words. If he ever said them again I knew I wouldn’t be able to help but say them back.
The door opened and I looked up, surprised to see Alice.
“Hi,” she said, giving me a small wave. “How are you?”
“Alice,” I said. “What are you doing here?”
She frowned. “What do you mean? I’m doing the shoot.”
“You’re doing the shoot? Today?”
“Yes,” she said, staring at me. My heart was pounding in my chest just looking at her, remembering how I’d fled from her house. I didn’t know exactly how I felt about Alice but I knew rationally that none of this was her fault. Lucas had made his own decisions; he was a grown man, and nobody was responsible for what he had done apart from him. “You didn’t know about it?”
>
“Cindy didn’t tell me who exactly I was working with,” I said, annoyed. Cindy had a bad habit of leaving out important bits of information, and though I’d gotten used to and accepted that little quirk, sometimes it was deeply inconvenient. Seeing Alice again felt awkward, especially given that the last time I’d seen her I’d been fleeing from her house.
“Oh,” Alice said. “So that means you don’t know about—”
The door opened and when I looked at who it was, my heart stopped. Lucas’s eyes met mine from across the room and he paused in the doorway. I couldn’t look away from him.
“Lucas,” I said breathlessly, frozen on the spot. It felt like time had stopped when I saw him, like nothing else in the room existed.
“Yeah,” said Alice, looking nervously between the two of us. “Is that—is that going to be okay? I thought they would have told you.”
“It’s okay,” I said after a pause. There really was no alternative but to go through with the shoot. Plus, looking at Lucas now, I wasn’t sure if it was possible to send him away or to leave while I had an opportunity to talk to him again. I’d craved it so much that it felt like a breath of fresh air just to look at his face. “It’s fine.”
Lucas approached us, standing next to Alice. His eyes were on mine, and I felt for a moment like I was drowning in him. My body felt shaky, my knees weak as if I was about to melt. It was exactly what Lucas had always done to me, from the very moment I’d met him in the hall outside his apartment.
“Hi, Ellie,” he said in that voice that always made me weak.
“Hi,” I breathed, chewing on my lip. “Are you ready to get started?”
“Are you ready for me to get started?” he asked.
I stifled a smile, turning to Alice. “What about you?”
She held up her camera. “Ready,” she said. I watched then as Lucas peeled his shirt off, revealing again that mouthwatering body, all hard lines and muscles. I remembered the first time I’d seen him this way, how sexy he was, how tempting. I couldn’t take my eyes off him and I could feel his watching me, gazing at me as I drank him in. He moved over in front of the white canvas, his skin glowing and golden compared to the starkness behind him. He had a light stubble on his jaw I knew Cindy had requested of him. It wasn’t out of control, but just enough to emphasize the strength of his jawline and the height of his cheekbones.
I kept my eye on him as Alice directed him to pose as necessary, watching how natural he was in front of the camera. Every time she wanted a shot of him smiling, I felt my heart flutter in my chest. He was so beautiful and his grin lit up his face in a way that made me want to cross the room to him and take his mouth with mine. He kept looking at me, and Alice would flash the camera.
“That’s good,” she said. “Keep looking at Ellie. That’s perfect.”
My eyes held his as she took the pictures, and the look of desire on his face was so powerful I knew it was shining through the camera. She was getting some perfect shots, but I found I could barely pay attention to Lucas. We went outside after a few more pictures in front of the canvas, going out to a nearby field where cattails grew up to Lucas’s hips. He waded through them, the sunlight gleaming on his body.
“Look at Ellie again,” Alice said.
“Why?” he asked, though he did as she asked.
“You know why,” she said.
I blushed, knowing what she was talking about. When he looked at me, he lit up, something that was dazzling to look at.
We finished the shoot before dark, having spent all day taking photos. I hadn’t realized how much material we could get out of Lucas. As I looked through some of the photos, I noted that there were multiple images that would be perfect for a cover photo. I had enough material to last me an entire series. I looked up at Lucas then and met his eye.
“So I guess we’re finished,” Alice said, looking between the two of us.
“I was wondering if I could talk to you, Ellie,” Lucas said, looking as if he had been holding the words in, like he was nervous about having to say them. The expression on his face was almost shy, and I had no choice but to stay.
“Yes,” I said, looking into his eyes. I saw Alice smile out of the corner of my eye.
“I’ll see you guys later,” she said, putting her camera around her neck and heading out of the room. For a moment, we were quiet, staring at each other in something like wonder.
“Hi,” he said. “How are you?”
“I’m—good. I’m good. How are you?” I asked him. I felt shy and nervous speaking to him, like a little girl with a crush. Watching him model had made me stricken again with how handsome he was, how perfect in every way.
“I’m okay,” he said. “I’ve been better.”
“Oh,” I said. There was a certain awkwardness between us, a shyness—neither one of us knew what to say, but neither one of us wanted to leave the other behind either.
“Do you, uh—do you want to go to dinner with me?” he asked slowly, as if he didn’t know quite how to ask. “No pressure, I just—”
“Yes,” I said, trying not to let my voice sound too eager. But I was eager. The thought of going to dinner with Lucas and spending some time with him catching up was one that made my whole body feel light and satisfied, despite the fact there were warning signals going up in my head telling me to stay away from him. “Yes, I’d like to.”
He smiled brightly. “Good,” he said. “Should we go to my car?”
I nodded. He looked at me for a moment, then looked down at our hands. He reached forward, and I hesitated but eventually took his hand. He hooked our fingers together, then brought my hand up to kiss my knuckles, holding my eye. A shiver of desire ran through me at the feeling of his lips, and I felt hot as he dropped our hands and led me out of the studio and outside. We got in the car and I looked at him. I never wanted to stop looking at him. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed him until now; I realized now that I’d felt like I was drowning without him. Still, I knew that I had to be careful in getting too close. Just because I was spending time with Lucas, didn’t mean we were going to end up together. I didn’t know if I could ever trust him again without living with abandonment issues, waiting for him to leave me for someone better.
“Where are we going?” I asked him.
“Where do you want to go?”
“I want to go somewhere outside,” I told him, looking out the window. It was beautiful outside, the sun going down, warm and comfortable.
“Whatever you want, baby,” he said.
I knew I should tell him not to call me that but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I enjoyed it coming from his lips and was reminded of the way he said it when we were in bed together, that gruff voice that always made me melt even when I didn’t want it to.
We pulled into a winding driveway that led to a parking lot to a nature preserve. It was beautiful there, tall trees with new spring leaves, thick and full and green, alone with wildflowers in a field. We started along the path in silence, getting used to each other’s presence again.
“How have you been?” he asked after a few minutes.
“I’ve been okay,” I said, looking over at him. “I just—”
“It’s hard to be away from you,” he said in a soft voice. “And I know you feel the same way.”
I bit my lip. “I can’t—”
“Ellie,” he said, taking my hand as we walked. “Other than Luna, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I just can’t let you go. I’ve tried to move on but you’re the only thing I think about.”
“It’s just not a good idea,” I said. We had stopped in the middle of the path, facing each other.
“Let’s start over,” he said. “Now that Maria’s gone, there’s nothing—there’s no reason we can’t make this work.”
“Where is Maria?”
“She got arrested,” he said. “I think she’ll be locked up for a long time.”
“What did she do?” I asked him.
He swallowed hard, looking away from me for a moment without speaking. When he looked forward, I could see in his profile that his jaw was tense, his face full of anger. “She slapped Luna,” he said. “Hard.”
My hand went to my mouth and I stared at him, wide-eyed. I couldn’t imagine anybody doing such a thing to a kid like Luna, and just thinking about it made an anger rise in me that seemed to match the expression on his face.
“Oh, Lucas—”
“I called the cops on her right away. She tried to run, but I—I blocked her so she couldn’t leave. I was so angry, Ellie,” he said, and I could see that he was shaking, trembling with his anger. “I didn’t—I thought I would hurt her. I didn’t do it. But for a minute, it felt like I could.”
“I understand,” I said to him, putting my hand on his cheek. “Luna doesn’t deserve that. Is she okay?”
“She’s fine. She cried, ran and hid. It took me a long time to get her calmed down. She’s relieved now that Maria’s locked up.”
“I bet,” I said. “Poor baby. I could never even imagine…”
“I know,” he said, gritting his teeth.
I wrapped my arms around him then, wanting to comfort him. He pulled my body against his, surrounding me with his strong arms. I felt him bury his face in my hair, breathing me in before he pulled away.
“She misses you, you know. She’s drawn you a ton of pictures for when you come back.”
I felt myself smile just thinking about her. “I miss her too.”
“Maybe—she’s in a play this weekend. If you want to come… I mean, you don’t have to, but—”
“I’d love to,” I said. “I’d love to see Luna.”
He smiled, brought his hand up and his thumb stroked my lips. They parted as I stared at him. His gaze was so genuine, glowing, radiating happiness just being with me. For a moment, I saw the way I felt for him reflected in his eyes, and it filled me with a small hope that maybe I’d found someone who was perfectly suited for me. Still, he had hurt me before.
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