Coherent

by Livia Jamerlan

  “Taxi!”

  Tires screeched a few feet from me. I tugged on the door handle of the Crown Royal before I jumped in. “Hi. Uh…uptown?”

  “Do you have a location?” the cabbie asked, looking at me through the rearview mirror.

  “No,” I shook my head vigorously. “I’ll tell you when to stop.”

  Passing by an urban area near Washington Heights, I spotted a small pharmacy. I paid the cab fare and ran across the street. A few steps away from the little pills that would make all the monsters in my life disappear.

  The bells attached to the back of the door rang when I pushed it open. The warm pharmacy had ceiling fans providing relief to the humid store. I quickly made my way to the back of the small store, my hands shaking at my side. The pharmacist stood reading a magazine before she looked up at me. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled the light blue paper.

  “Hi, I need a prescription filled.” I slid the paper her way.

  “Sure. Do you have insurance?”

  “No,” I lied. I didn’t want anyone to be able to track this.

  “Do you have any ID?”

  I took my wallet out and slid over my driver’s license across to her.

  “I’m having my wisdom teeth pulled out,” I lied again, taking my driver’s license from her.

  Her lips frowned as she eyed me. “No Medicaid, no nothing, Mami?”

  “No, ma’am.” My voice was shaky. “I’ll be paying cash.” I averted my gaze, focusing on the gossip magazines. Just act cool.

  “Listen, mamita, what you do is none of my business, okay? As long as you pay for the medication it ain’t my concern. All I care about is that you pay for the shit. I have bills to pay too. And you’re not the first blanquita that comes in here looking for painkillers.” She typed the prescription into the system and retreated towards the back. “It’ll be ready in fifteen minutes,” she hollered.

  Forty-five minutes later I was pushing my front door open. Loren sat on the couch folding my laundry and watching a daytime soap opera on the television.

  “Hey, how was your walk?”

  My prescription was shoved inside my bag of chips. I passed her and rushed towards my room. “Productive. I was able to clear my mind for a bit.”

  I closed my bedroom door briefly so I could shove my pills deep in my underwater drawer. I trudged back out into the living room and sat next to Loren. She handed me the remote, a small grin on her face. “You look better, Brae. The sun did you good. You finally have some color on your skin.”

  “Lo?” I muted the television and looked at her.

  “Yeah, baby girl?”

  I moved my eyes back to the television, exhaled the breath that was stuck in my lungs and looked back at her. “It’s time for you to go.”

  “What?”

  I reached for her hands and let a smile appear on my face. I had to reassure her that I could do this on my own. That I could be responsible for my own life. “I love you, and I can never thank you enough for protecting me, but if you want me to get better you need to let me get back to my life.”

  “But––”

  I knew she’d try to stop me.

  “But I’m taking my medication and I’m okay. I can’t have you around, hovering over my every move. I need to figure out what comes next for me.”

  She nodded her head slowly, her deep blue eyes glued to mine. “Okay, promise me you’ll call me, and if you need to vent, please talk to someone. Anyone.”

  “I promise,” I lied through my teeth. I didn’t plan on talking to a soul.

  After dinner, Loren decided to make it a movie night. I didn’t protest. I snuck into my room before it started and popped a pill in my mouth. By the time the trailers were finished, I was numb, the Oxy controlling my body.

  The sun rose over the Manhattan skyline and my eyes burned from the lack of sleep. I needed to leave this place. I needed a new place to call home—one that wasn’t a constant reminder of what my life was like before. Maybe then I could manage a few hours of sleep.

  After Kennedy and I had said goodbye to Loren, I rushed back into my bedroom, rolling my suitcase from my closet. Kennedy went back to sleep as she was prepping herself for the new night shift schedule at the hospital. I took all of my necessities, shoving them deep in my suitcase. I didn’t have a place to go, a place to call home, but I needed to get the hell out of there.

  Once my suitcase was packed with enough clothes to last me a little over two weeks, I sat on the edge of my bed with the house phone in my hand. My cell phone was still lost somewhere along with my sanity. I needed to tell Loren what I planned to do, and I needed to reassure her that it was the best thing for me. I dropped the phone on the bed and reached for my nightstand. Taking the bottle of water there, I tossed a capsule in my mouth.

  Just one to get me through this.

  It had been a little over an hour since Loren had left so I knew I was safe to call without her picking up. She hated talking on the phone while she drove, and she refused to have a Bluetooth attached to her ear.

  I quickly dialed her number from the house line and brought the phone to my ear.

  It was now or never.

  Her voice appeared after a few rings. “You’ve reached Loren Wolf. Please leave a message after the beep.”

  I inhaled the courage that I lacked, and closed my eyes. “Lo, listen.” I hesitated. “I know you won’t get this until you get home, but here it goes. I need a few days or a few weeks to regroup. I need you to know that I’m moving out for a bit. I don’t know, maybe permanent.”

  I waited a few seconds before I spoke again. “I promise that I’m fine, I need to find myself again. And I promise to call every week.”

  Tears pooled in my eyes. “Loren, please try to understand that this is the only way I know to help myself. Don’t come looking for me because I won’t tell you where I’m at. Just know that I will call you and tell you how I’m doing. Please, Lo. Try to understand. I love you and I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.”

  I replaced the phone on the receiver and shoved my personal documents and necessities in an oversized purse. Kennedy was in the shower when I came out of my room, so it was my only time to sneak out without a two-hour lecture. I pulled a notepad from the junk drawer and wrote her a long note explaining why I needed to get away, promising I would call once a week to let her know I was okay.

  I only expected that now my sister and friends would assume I was a junkie. Running from my problems instead of facing them head on. But this wasn’t about them. I needed to get away from this life that I no longer recognized. I needed to follow my path to the dark hole.

  To the unknown…

  Braelynn

  The heavy clouds above were an indication that rain was on the way. I wheeled my suitcase to the end of the block, not knowing where this new path was going to take me. I had come to New York City to be a lawyer, one who would put the bad guys behind bars and make her sister proud. I would be able to look up to the clouds above and imagine my parents smiling down at me. That was the plan.

  Now I needed to move the hell away.

  I waved my hand at the upcoming traffic and a yellow town car stopped a few feet away. The cabbie shoved my suitcase in the trunk and I pulled open the back door.

  “Where to, miss?” he asked. But I didn’t have a destination. Leaving the city would be too expensive since most cabbies hated crossing any bridges or tunnels.

  “Battery Park,” I finally answered. It was the one place that had an amazing view near the Hudson and was also the most southern tip of the island.

  The furthest point from my previous life.

  The forty–five minute commute felt like a blink of an eye. I coughed up the forty and wheeled my suitcase to the cheapest hotel I could find. I had a few thousand dollars in my account and my savings was stashed for an emergency.

  After I’d checked in and stored my belongings in my room, I went to find the closest bar. The busy financial district was crowded wit
h employees on their lunch break, so I followed the group of young people in front of me. I wanted to feel included and not be the only girl drinking at the bar. I sat a few stools away from them, ordered a gin and tonic, and kept my head low. At first I was intrigued by their conversation, all fresh out of college with their lives beginning. They sat and compared notes on their new bosses and how much they were prepared to climb up the corporate ladder. That was me. The old me.

  A week and a half ago I was excited and thrilled about life. I had my dream job, I was planning on putting my first criminal behind bars, and I was seeing New York City’s most eligible bachelor. Not to mention I had fallen in love. But in the blink of an eye my whole life changed, turned upside.

  I pulled my purse onto my lap; keeping both of my hands inside it, I opened the childproof lock and pulled out a capsule. I didn’t want to sit there and worry about what my life had turned out to be. I had come here to forget.

  I washed the capsule down with tonic and focused on the television screen above the bar. Hours had passed before I realized a whole different crowd filled the bar. The stool next to me moved back. Shifting my head, I looked at the gentleman next to me. His pitch-black hair was spiked up with the assistance of a substantial amount of hair product, his big brown eyes covered most of his face, and based on his skin tone, it looked as if he lived inside a tanning bed.

  “Is this seat taken?” he asked.

  I took the lime from my fourth …fifth? drink, bit on it and shook my head.

  His three–piece suit was snug on his skin, his broad shoulders a clear indication he frequented the gym more than most people.

  “I’m Bruce.” He reached his hand out for mine.

  “Lynn.” A small smirk appeared on my face. It was comforting to lie about who I was. I didn’t have to be Braelynn. I could be whoever I wanted to be. And Lynn didn’t feel or care about anyone else.

  “Why are you sitting here all alone? A girl like you should be––”

  “Like me?” He didn’t have the first clue who I was.

  “Beautiful. A beautiful girl like you shouldn’t be sitting by herself.”

  I pouted my lips and nodded at him before I found the bartender and asked for another drink. I’d give him credit; he was sweet with his words, but he could never make my heart stop like…

  Forget the past, Braelynn. This is your life now.

  “Are you waiting for anyone?” Bruce asked.

  I took my straw from my empty glass and dropped it in my fresh drink. “Nope.”

  “Do you live in New York or are you visiting?”

  What the hell was this guy? An interrogator?

  I turned on my seat so my body was facing his. Licking the sides of my lips, I cocked my head to the side. “You know, you ask a lot of questions, Bruce.”

  “You seem intriguing and just hard to read.” He nursed his drink as I took another gulp of mine.

  “Nope, I don’t have much to say.” I shrugged my shoulders and faced the bar again. There wasn’t anything left in me worth talking about.

  I felt his eyes on me, studying my features. I closed my eyes, begging for my tears not to come out. The effect of the Oxy was almost gone from my system.

  One of Bruce’s hands reached up and ran across my cheek before he pushed my hair behind my ear. “I can make you forget him,” he whispered.

  His comment piqued my interest. Keeping my body still, I turned and faced him. My eyebrow rose and a sly smile appeared on his face. He leaned in closer, his breath brushed my neck. “A beautiful girl like you, sitting at a bar all alone, is either lost or heartbroken.” His hand slid away from my hair. “Either way I can help.”

  His touch didn’t make my stomach turn. I felt nothing.

  My mind raced, trying to remember where I had been for a week. The flashes of Peyton breaking my heart had stopped. No pain, no emotion, no attachment. Just what I needed—an escape.

  “I promise I can make you forget him, forget who you are.” I bit my lower lip, weighing my options. “I’m here on business from out of town, and I have a room right upstairs if you want to head up.”

  Turning my body so I was completely facing his, I rested my hand on the back of his chair and leaned forward, my lips only centimeters from his. I looked deep into his eyes. “I’ll go up with you, Bruce, and I’ll let you do whatever you want to me, but you can’t promise me that you’ll make me forget him. I know it’s impossible. Trust me, I’ve tried.”

  I placed my hand on his cheek like he had done to me. “I need you to make me not feel. Make me forget who I am. Can you do that?” I grazed my bottom lip with my teeth. This was the alcohol talking. But I agreed. I would agree to anything.

  “I can guarantee to give you exactly what you need.”

  “Then I’m all yours.” I sat back and folded my arms at my chest.

  “Sir!” Bruce shouted to the bartender. “Cash us both out, please.” Bruce slid his American Express card to him. I took my purse and stood, watching him pay my massive bar bill. I guess I’d had more to drink than I realized.

  Bruce took my hand in his and led us out of the bar to the main lobby. I kept my head lowered, focusing on the floor. Bruce stopped near the elevator, pressed the call button and pulled me towards him. His lips came straight for mine. I turned my face, letting him kiss my cheek. I didn’t want to kiss him. This had to be done with no emotion, and kissing was emotional.

  I followed him into the elevator and I stood quietly beside him as we rose to his floor. After everything that had happened to me, this was probably the dumbest thing I had done yet—following a complete stranger to his room—but I had nothing to lose. No shred of dignity left. At least this time I was coherent. I’d remember what happened if I woke up in a hospital bed.

  Walking ahead of me, he pushed his hotel room door open and held it open for me. I hesitated for a split second before I stepped inside. When I heard it shut and lock behind me, I closed my eyes.

  I will feel nothing. Mask one type of feeling with another.

  Bruce’s arms wrapped around me as he kissed my neck. There were no butterflies in my stomach, no pinch in my heart. This was just sex, nothing else.

  “I’m going to freshen up.” I pulled myself away from him.

  “Sure. Would you like me to order some room service? Or I can raid the mini bar?”

  I didn’t look back as I waved my hand in the air. “Mini bar is fine.” I turned the bathroom light on and closed the door behind me. I placed my purse on the counter before splashing cold water on my face. I was in control of the situation. I had agreed to this.

  I wanted this.

  I pulled the Oxycodone from my purse and took two capsules. I let the faucet water run before I brought my lips to it, filling my mouth with water. I tilted my head back, swallowing my new addiction. My newfound courage to let go, forget who I was and let the emptiness take me.

  I patted my face dry before I returned to the bedroom. Bruce sat on the edge of the bed, his tie loose around his neck. It was now or never.

  I tossed my purse on the chair and pulled the hair tie off my wrist. I tied my hair in a high messy bun before I pulled my T–shirt off. His eyes were glued to my body. I unbuttoned my pants and kicked them off, along with my shoes. I strolled over to him, standing between his parted legs. My breasts were heavy, only inches from his face. I reached behind me and unclasped my bra, my nipples hard from the cool air. His brown eyes admired my skin before rising towards mine. He licked his lower lip and softly moaned.

  Tiny bottles of liquor lay next to him on the bed. Taking the vodka bottle, I opened it and leaning my head back, poured the clear liquid down my throat. I felt his hands cup my breasts, his tongue flicking my nipple before biting. I welcomed the sharp pain. Craved it. My knees slammed on the rug within seconds and I reached for his belt.

  I was Lynn and I didn’t have a care in the world. I was in charge of this situation.

  His hard cock sprang free. It wasn’t as big a
s I expected given his large frame, but it was doable. He lowered his pants and I jerked him up and down, clear liquid pooling on the tip. I pulled his shaft back and lowered my head, sliding my tongue from the bottom of his shaft to the very tip, my lips cupping his head as my tongue slid across his pre–cum.

  “Fuck,” he growled.

  I brought my lips down his thickness. When his head hit the back of my throat, I locked my lips firmly around him and pulled up. My tongue swirled around his head once before I dipped down again.

  He pulled on my hair until his cock was out of my mouth, a conniving smile plastered on his face. “Sweetheart, it doesn’t matter how good you are at giving head. I can tell you have skills. But I won’t come from that shit.” I sat back on my knees and put my hands in the air. “I’m all about giving you what you need, don’t worry about me.” He laughed, reaching for my arms and lifting me up. “I won’t stop fucking you until we both come.”

  I crawled up on the bed and Bruce held me by my hips, his hands rubbing along my lace boy shorts, and when I didn’t protest he lowered them. I lifted each knee for him then remained on all fours, my head hung low as the medication and alcohol took control of my body. I heard his shirt drop to the floor, along with his pants. He slapped my butt cheek softly, guiding me to move up on the king-sized bed. His hands trailed up my thighs before he cupped my cheeks, squeezing them until it hurt. I felt his tongue on my clit, licking it gently before moving up to my opening. My vision blurred but not from pleasure. Because I was numb. My body didn’t welcome his pleasures–it blocked them. He continued to fuck me with his tongue before he licked up my crack, biting my tailbone.

  “You’re a man’s wet dream, you know that?” I didn’t reply, I lay my head on the pillow, lifting my ass higher. “ to fuck, no questions asked. Shit, I doubt Lynn is even your real name.”

  “Does it fucking matter? It’s just sex, buddy, and right now all you’re doing is yapping.”

  He slapped my core with his fingers, my wet folds causing a loud slap. I heard him tear a condom open before he tossed others on the bed near my head.