Elvis and the Blue Christmas Corpse

by Peggy Webb

  She picks up a six-pack of Coors Light and charges our way. Never underestimate the power of familial love.

  Neighbors and guests grab purses and jars of pickled pigs’ lips, car keys, and kegs of beer—whatever weapon is handy—as they race to my rescue.

  Still, Corky is gaining the door, with me as his shield, and who is to stop him once he gets outside? And where is Jack when I need him?

  There’s a roar like a wounded bull, and charging to the front of the vigilante group is the man I’ll never allow to become my ex.

  “Corky, halt!” He’s pointing a gun, but even a crazed Santa killer knows Jack Jones will not try to shoot while I’m in the line of fire.

  Waving her Coors, Mama catches up with Jack. Uncle Charlie and Lovie are right behind her, and my cousin’s brandishing a meat cleaver. I don’t even want to know how she got that.

  Jack blocks them with his left arm.

  “Stay back. You’ll make it worse. Everybody stay back.”

  Somewhere in the parking lot behind me, Elvis is barking like crazy. In front of me, half of Tupelo and Mooreville are frozen behind Jack with their motley assortment of weapons. We must look like a shoot-out scene from an old TV western. Where’s the cavalry when you need them?

  I try to dig in my heels, but Corky is strong for a small man. I feel myself being dragged irrevocably backward. If he ever gains his car, this will be my last Christmas.

  Over my dead body.

  In the tight grip of Corky’s arms, I start easing my hands toward my back.

  “I’d suggest you stop right there and let Mrs. Jones go.”

  Rocky Malone!

  I don’t even pause to wonder how Lovie’s former boyfriend got here. Seizing the distraction, I grab a handful of Corky’s Christmas decorations—a euphemism my Valentine grandmother would surely approve—and give a big yank.

  With a yowl, Corky goes down. Jack and Rocky are on top of him before he can even surrender. With his knee in Corky’s decorations, Jack grins up at me.

  “Nice move.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Don’t ever try it on me.”

  “I won’t. As long as you promise to behave.”

  “The only promise I’m making is to put the star on your Christmas tree.”

  I smile at him. Jack Jones can put the star on my Christmas tree any time.

  Elvis’ Opinion # 18 on the Star Restored, Stuffed Turkey, and a Merry Christmas to All

  With Corky behind bars, the crazy cookie lady and the deranged Santa barbecue man under psychiatric care, Miss Sweet Potato cooling her jets back in Highland Circle, and the singed Santas restored to their rightful rooftops, Christmas in Mooreville is back to normal. That means the chaos is almost manageable and yours truly, basset hound extraordinaire, reigns supreme.

  Of course, I could have caught the Santa killer long ago if they’d turned me loose. I picked up Corky’s scent in the robing room at the mall. And when Fayrene said that he couldn’t possibly be a suspect, that everybody called him good old Corky, always lending a hand, I figured out how he turned Santa’s throne into an electric chair.

  Turns out I was right. (Listen, don’t ever doubt the instincts of a dog with my intelligence, not to mention charm.) According to Jack and Charlie, years of being the man who could fix anything paid off when Corky Kelly turned his mind to murder. In hard hat and tool belt, he blended right in with the work crew making repairs at the mall. It would have been easy for a handyman to create a leak over the robing room, ensuring that when Santa sat on the throne Corky had rigged up as Old Sparky, his wet clothing would guarantee a quick trip to his final resting place.

  But all’s well that ends well, as Charlie and Shakespeare would say. Charlie’s spending Christmas on the farm with Ruby Nell, who is up to the neck of her sequined caftan in preparations for the Valentine Christmas dinner. She vows that if Miss Sweet Potato shows up with her long-lens camera, she’ll end up in the oven covered with marshmallows.

  Speaking of cooking, Lovie took Rocky Malone back to her pink house in Tupelo, presumably to stuff the Valentine Christmas turkey. Though the mood they were in when they left Gas, Grits, and Guts, I’d say the archeologist stands a better than average chance of discovering the National Treasure.

  Fayrene has invited Mooreville’s new séance king, Bobby Huckabee, to her house for Christmas dinner. Of course, Darlene and cute little David will be there. Probably that silly-legged Lhasa Apso, too, but I’m not betting on the black-hearted cat.

  If you think I forgot the most important people, you’d be mistaken. I’m a discreet dog. All I’m going to say about my human parents being back together is that the star is on the Christmas tree and I’m keeping the seven stray cats and that silly cocker spaniel in line so Callie and Jack can enjoy making up in peace.

  When I’m not taking care of business around the Jones household and stockpiling steak bones in the back yard (Jack is a man who loves to grill), I’m busy laying my own plans.

  But they’re not about to include a French poodle who got the “Fever” for a dog with a useless tail. As soon as I finish burying this bone and talk that dumb Hoyt into helping me dig the escape hole, I’m planning to cruise around the Mooreville Truck Stop. My best buddy Trey says there’s a beagle babe hanging out there just looking for “T.R.O.U.B.L.E.”

  Look out, baby. Santa Paws is back in town.

  Elvis has left the building.

  Lovie’s Luscious Eats

  Holiday Sweet Treats and More

  Alice Virginia Daniel

  These four recipes are from Alice Virginia Daniel, of Tupelo, Mississippi. A flamboyant redhead who knows her way around the kitchen, Alice is the author’s friend and the inspiration for Lovie.

  Butterscotch Cream Pie

  4 T. flour

  2 T. butter

  1 cup brown sugar

  3 egg yolks, well beaten

  ¾ c. Pet milk, diluted with 1¼ c. water

  1 t. vanilla

  Mix above ingredients in top of double boiler, stirring occasionally, until thick; then add vanilla. Put in a pie shell already baked till just before it turns light gold. Top with meringue (recipe below) and bake in preheated oven at 350 degrees till meringue is golden. Refrigerate.

  Meringue

  Beat 3 egg whites and 6 T. sugar till stiff.

  “This is a 100-year-old family recipe passed down with the spirit of heavenly flavor.”—Alice (Lovie)

  Happy Holiday Kiss Kiss Eggnog

  6 eggs, beaten

  ¾ cup sugar

  1 pint whipping cream

  1 pint bourbon

  1 jigger rum

  Nutmeg

  1 cinnamon stick

  Beat yolks separately with ¼ cup of sugar. Beat whites with ½ cup of sugar. Whip cream. Fold whites and cream into egg yolks. Add bourbon. Last, pour in rum, stirring constantly. Pour into two festive pitchers. Top with dash of nutmeg and chill until ready to serve. Pour into punch cups or mugs. Stir with a cinnamon stick. (Option: a teaspoon of vanilla ice cream added is so creamy and tasty.) Serves 8–10, but it all depends on the size of the cup. When in doubt, serve it in a beautiful punch bowl.

  “Now get your honey bun, stand under the mistletoe, raise your cup high, and kiss, kiss!”—Alice (Lovie)

  Aunt Louise’s Hershey Pie

  6 chocolate almond bars

  18 marshmallows

  cup milk

  ½ pint cream

  Put the first three ingredients in a double boiler and dissolve thoroughly. Cool well. Whip cream and fold in. Put into a large graham cracker pie crust (recipe below). Refrigerate overnight or at least 8 hours before serving.

  “OMGosh, so fine!”—Alice (Lovie)

  Graham Cracker Pie Crust

  1½ cups graham cracker crumbs

  2 T. sugar

  1 stick butter, melted

  Mix all ingredients and press into the side of a pie pan. Cook crust at 350 degrees approximately 15 minutes. Cool before addin
g pie filling.

  Gum Drop Squares

  1 c. brown sugar

  2 eggs

  1 c. self-rising flour

  ½ c. nuts (pecans or walnuts), chopped

  1 t. vanilla

  pinch salt

  ½ lb. orange gum drops

  Slice and chop fine the orange gum drops. Drop pieces into flour and toss. Cream eggs and sugar, vanilla, and salt. Add flour, gum drops, and nuts. Mix well. Bake in 8x8x2-inch pan, well greased and floured. Bake at 300 degrees for 30 minutes. Cut into squares while hot. Dust with powdered sugar.

  “Prepare for yummy comments, especially from your honey bun.”—Alice (Lovie)

  Peggy Webb

  This next recipe is original with the author and one of her favorite comfort drinks after a day of writing.

  Jack’s Mayan Hot Chocolate

  3 squares of Ghiradelli Intense Dark 60% Cacao (Evening

  Dream, All Natural)

  1 T. water

  1½ packets Splenda or to taste

  ¾ cup 2% milk

  Dash each of cinnamon and red pepper or to taste

  In a small heavy-bottomed pan over a simmer burner or in a double boiler, melt the chocolate squares in 1 T. of water. Stir constantly. Do not let the chocolate come to a boil. Remove from heat and stir in Splenda, cinnamon, and red pepper. Return to very low heat and slowly pour in the milk, stirring constantly. Heat till warm, but do not let the chocolate milk reach boiling. Boiling spoils the flavor.

  “Pour into a mug then curl up in a rocking chair in front of a fire with your favorite book. You’ll want to keep a spoon handy while you drink, because the bottom of the mug is likely to have a lovely chunk of thick, melted chocolate.”—Peggy, who is the voice of all the characters, especially Elvis!

  Darlene Hayes

  The next two recipes are from Darlene Hayes, of Pensacola, Florida. A tall, charming blonde who drives a Dodge Ram with a Hemi engine, Darlene provided inspiration for Callie’s manicurist as well as her truck. Darlene is a good friend and next-door-neighbor to the author’s son and his family.

  Pumpkin Pecan Pie

  Pumpkin layer

  1 cup Libby’s 100% pure pumpkin

  c. sugar

  1 egg, beaten

  1 t. pumpkin pie spice

  Combine pumpkin, sugar, egg, and pie spice. Spread over the bottom of a baked pie crust.

  Pecan layer

  c. light corn syrup

  ½ c. sugar

  2 eggs, beaten

  3 T. melted butter

  ½ t. vanilla

  1 c. pecan pieces

  Combine corn syrup, sugar, eggs, butter, and vanilla. Stir in the nuts. Spoon over pumpkin layer. Bake in preheated 350-degree oven for 50 minutes or until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean.

  “I also add cinnamon and cloves to my taste to this recipe. Happy holidays!”—Darlene (Darlene Johnson Lawford Grant)

  Veg-All Casserole

  1 large can of Veg-All, drained

  1 can cream of chicken soup

  2 medium onions, chopped

  1 can water chestnuts, drained and chopped

  1 cup mayonnaise

  1 cup grated cheddar cheese

  1 stick butter, melted

  1 stack Ritz crackers, crushed

  Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix the first six ingredients and pour into a casserole dish. Mix melted butter with Ritz crackers. Spread the topping over the casserole and bake 30 minutes or until bubbly.

  “This is my family’s favorite holiday side dish.”—Darlene

  Trey Webb

  The following two original recipes came from the author’s son, Trey Webb, of Pensacola, Florida. A dog lover, a world-class cook, and the world’s best son, Trey was the inspiration for Jarvetis’ favorite redbone hound dog, who is Elvis’ best friend.

  Italian Chicken Soup

  3 chicken breasts (boneless, skinless)

  1 medium onion, diced

  1 medium bell pepper, diced

  1 lb. can diced tomatoes

  1 T. minced garlic

  ¼ stick butter

  3 quarts chicken broth

  ½ t. each salt, black pepper, and Cajun seasoning

  ½ bag egg noodles

  Dash each of dried oregano and basil

  Boil chicken in broth and Cajun seasoning till done. Remove chicken from broth, cool, and pull into slivers. Add salt, pepper, and garlic to the onions, then sauté in ¼ stick of butter. Just before the onions are done, add the bell pepper and finish cooking. Note: you want the bell pepper to still be firm at the end of this process. Add this mixture to the broth. Add the can of tomatoes with its juice, the basil and oregano, and the slivered chicken to the broth. Cover and simmer on low for at least 1 hour. Before serving, bring back to a slow boil, add the egg noodles, and cook till done. Remove from heat and serve.

  Collards (Soul Food)

  1 smoked hog jowl

  2 lb. collard greens, washed and cut into squares

  4 t. salt or to taste

  4 t. black pepper or to taste

  4 t. sugar or to taste

  Cut hog jowl into 8 to 10 large chunks, add to a large pot, and cover with about 2 inches of water. Add salt, pepper, and sugar. Cover and slow-boil for about ½ hour. Then add the collards, cover, and let slow-boil for 10 to 15 minutes more. Reduce heat to low, and let cook for about 1 hour. Serve with 2 or 3 pieces of fried hog jowl and Southern cornbread.

  “Friends and family frequently request my collards at potluck suppers.”—Trey

  Debbie Turner

  Debbie Turner, one of the best cooks in Tupelo, Mississippi, provided these two recipes. Debbie is the author’s friend and the wife of the author’s webmaster, Roy Turner.

  Chicken Pesto

  1 lb. boneless chicken breast (or chicken tenders)

  3 to 4 cloves garlic, chopped

  1 lb. box farfalle pasta

  1 c. frozen English peas

  Olive oil, as needed to coat chicken

  Salt and pepper to taste

  2 to 3 T. Classico pesto sauce or your own Alfredo sauce

  (recipe below)

  Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Put chicken in a roasting pan. Sprinkle chicken with olive oil, salt, pepper, and chopped garlic cloves. Cover with foil and bake approximately one hour or until chicken is done. Let chicken cool and shred with a fork. Set aside.

  Alfredo Sauce

  1 stick of butter

  2 c. grated parmesan cheese

  1 c. whipping cream

  In a small sauce pan, slowly melt the butter and parmesan cheese. Use very low heat and stir constantly till melted. Whisk in 1 c. of whipping cream. Set aside.

  Cook pasta according to directions. Drain and put in pasta dish. Top with shredded chicken, frozen peas, and Alfredo sauce or 2 to 3 T. of prepared pesto sauce.

  Debbie’s Chocolate Chip Bundt Cake

  c. chopped pacans

  ¼ c. butter, softened

  2 T. granulated sugar

  2¾ c. all-purpose flour

  1 t. salt

  1 t. baking soda

  1 c. butter, softened

  1 c. packed brown sugar

  ½ c. granulated sugar

  1 T. vanilla extract

  4 large eggs

  1 c. buttermilk

  1 12 oz. bag semisweet chocolate mini-morsels

  Whipped cream and cherries, for garnish

  Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Stir together first three ingredients in a small bowl, using a fork. Sprinkle in a greased and floured 12-c. bundt pan. Whisk together flour, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.

  Beat butter, brown sugar, granulated sugar, and vanilla at medium speed with a heavy-duty electric stand mixer for 3 to 5 minutes or until fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating until just blended.

  Add flour mixture alternately with buttermilk, beginning and ending with flour. Beat at low speed just until blended after each addition, stopping to scrape bowl as needed. Beat in chocolate mini
-morsels. Mixture will be thick. Spoon batter into prepared pan and bake at 350 degrees for 50 to 55 minutes or until a long wooden pick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool pan on a wire for 10 minutes. Remove cake from pan and let cool on wire rack for approximately one hour before serving.

  “These are family favorites.”—Debbie

  Marie Hussey

  The recipe grand finale is Marie Hussey’s original Southern cornbread dressing. During her lifetime, she prepared this dressing at every Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday meal on the farm in Mooreville, Mississippi. Marie is the author’s beloved mom and the inspiration for Callie’s feisty, opinionated mama, Ruby Nell Valentine.

  Mama’s Southern Cornbread Dressing

  2 large pans baked cornbread (recipe below)

  ½ large loaf of sliced white bread, best if at least a day old

  4 large onions, chopped fine

  6 sticks butter

  3 to 4 T. black pepper (or to taste)

  5 or 6 cans chicken broth, more if needed