Memory Reload

by Rosemary Heim

  Regret of her own wormed around her heart. Wishful thinking had taken her down the wrong path. Again.

  At least she seemed to be learning. This time she’d realized her mistake quickly enough, before she’d allowed her imaginings to fully develop.

  She was a big girl. She could handle this. It didn’t have to disintegrate any further.

  The shrill whistle of the teakettle broke the silence. Ryan had already filled her mug with hot water so it would be warmed for brewing her tea. The gesture, small and insignificant, had her eyes stinging with tears she wouldn’t allow to fall. So much for being a big girl.

  She emptied the mug and dropped a tea bag in. Maybe he couldn’t admit it, but he did care about her. Just a little bit.

  As she poured boiling water over the bag she glanced at Ryan. “Are you running?”

  His head snapped up and he finally looked at her. “What do you mean?”

  She focused on swirling her tea bag through the hot water. If she could tolerate weak tea she would have fled the kitchen right then. Instead, she poured a cup of coffee and handed it to him. “I meant, are you going for your morning run?”

  “Oh.” He glanced at the clock on the wall, a slightly hunted look on his face. “Yes.”

  She searched his face but his features had settled into a mask, eliminating any further clues to his thoughts. “What did you think I meant?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Ryan.” This hurt, more than she had imagined. “About last night.”

  He took a swallow from his cup, grimaced and set it aside. “I’m sorry about last night.”

  Not exactly the response she’d expected or hoped for, but at least he was talking to her. “I’m not.”

  “I took advantage of you.”

  “I don’t see how.” She doctored her tea with milk and sugar, took a bracing swallow and turned to face him. “As I recall, I was a willing participant through the entire process.” That’s right. Keep the focus on the physical.

  “You deserve better.”

  Better? “Let me see if I have this straight. We had mind-blowingly wonderful sex, and I deserve better.” She took another sip of tea. “Okay. When can we try for that?”

  He actually blushed at her teasing. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

  “No, I don’t suppose it is.” The brief moment of humor faded out. “Perhaps you should explain exactly what you’re thinking.”

  He pushed away from the counter and paced to the other side of the kitchen, putting all the distance between them that he could achieve in the confined space.

  She wrapped both hands around her mug, clinging to it like a shield.

  “The situation has changed. I’m not on leave anymore, and I can’t help you as I’d intended.” He avoided looking at her. “I’ve been assigned to track down a missing agent.”

  A chill seeped over her in spite of the warm mug clutched against her chest. She didn’t really need to ask the question, but she did anyway. “It’s David, isn’t it?”

  Ryan nodded. “I shouldn’t say anything to you, but you’ll find out soon enough. The SAC has some concerns about how he disappeared.”

  “I should hope so. Doesn’t the Bureau always ‘have concerns’ when one of their agents turns up missing?”

  “Particularly in a case like this. They don’t know if he’s dead. What they do know is that he’s been behaving rather erratic lately. He asked for a day off and hasn’t reported in since. That sort of thing tends to alarm the Bureau.”

  “But you know different.” She took a step toward him, one hand outstretched.

  He held his hands up and took a step away from her. “I know what you’ve told me.”

  “I see.” The hope she’d clung to dimmed. Ryan didn’t believe her, didn’t trust her to have told him the truth.

  “I’m sorry, baby. There are so many holes in this case it’s looking like well-aged Swiss cheese. I have to investigate everything. That includes anything you’ve already told me and anything you can add.”

  “So you can clear David and disprove the Bureau’s suspicion? Or so you can disprove what I’ve said?”

  “It’s not that easy.”

  “Of course it is.”

  “Alex.” He took a step toward her. “Last night…”

  Comprehension hit her with the brilliance of a thousand-watt flash. “I’m so stupid.” It was her turn to step back, putting distance between them. “I should have realized. This is just an assignment for you. I’m a part of the assignment. And a good agent, which you are, will use any means necessary to obtain the information he needs.”

  She forced down another swallow of tea. The rest she dumped down the drain. “I’m sorry if your fact-finding efforts fell short last night. Perhaps next time you’ll have greater success if you stick to traditional interrogation methods.”

  She left the kitchen to retrieve her equipment from her bedroom. When she returned, Ryan hadn’t moved.

  “Last night wasn’t about information. Believe anything else about me, but not that.” His words left an ache in her throat.

  “Whatever your intentions may have been, the moment you accepted your assignment, all I could be to you is an informant.” She headed for the door. “If you believe otherwise, you’re only kidding yourself.”

  “Where are you going?”

  She stopped but didn’t look at him. “I will be scouting locations for Jamie’s portrait for approximately one half hour, during which time I will remain on the estate. Then I will meet Jamie on his patio. When we’ve completed our shoot, I’ll come back here.

  “Unless,” she turned to face him, “you prefer that I stay in his custody until your return.”

  He couldn’t look her in the eyes for very long. “Jamie probably wouldn’t mind if you borrowed one of his cars and ran to the lab for your film.”

  “That won’t be necessary. No need to tie up an agent’s time with following me. Besides, I’m sure you’d much prefer to be the first to look at the film so you can be reasonably certain there was no tampering involved.”

  She paused for a moment, hoping he’d deny anything, if not everything she’d just said.

  He didn’t.

  A piece of her heart died. Blinking back a film of tears, she left the guest cottage.

  RYAN SHORTENED HIS RUN by half so he’d have time to talk to Jamie before leaving for the Field Office. He jogged up to the patio.

  Jamie, with his usual uncanny timing, slid open the patio door and leaned against the doorjamb. “Good morning.”

  “So I’ve been told.” Ryan picked up one of the towels at the patio edge. Images seared his memory. Alex, her toenails painted crimson, the moonlight silvering her hair, the soft velvet of her skin against his.

  “Something’s happened, I take it?” Jamie asked.

  “I need your help, if the offer still stands.” Ryan scowled at the towel, damning the harmless fabric for prompting memories that only led to pain. “I’ve got a real bad feeling about the situation with Angelini. The agent in charge has his take on things. Alex has hers. Nothing matches up very well and I’m finding it mighty hard to maintain any kind of neutrality.”

  “I see.”

  In more ways than you’re telling me, I bet. “I need to run Alex’s prints. Did you remember—”

  “Your request that I not wash the wineglass she used? Of course. I sealed it in a clean plastic bag and have already put it in the Explorer for you.”

  “Thanks.” The order to get Alex’s prints was pretty standard. Even so, handling it this way seemed under-handed. He should have just asked her outright to give him samples before he reported to the Field Office yesterday.

  Now it was too late. Making the request today would only reinforce her belief that she was under suspicion.

  “What else would you like me to do?”

  “What you always do. Listen, watch, perceive. Find out the truth.”

  “Truth can be elusive. Especially when it
doesn’t look the way you expect.” Jamie crossed the patio to stand beside him. “I’ll do what I can but I can’t guarantee any specific results.”

  Ryan nodded. “I know. There’s the damn notebook, too. It might not mean anything.”

  “Or it could mean a great deal.”

  “I’ll bring it by later, maybe you could take a crack at it?”

  “Certainly.”

  “If you find out anything while you’re working with Alex…” He pushed his hair away from his face. Asking Jamie to do all this didn’t sit well. The whole situation smacked of distrust. He sighed. “We’ll talk later.”

  “Am I to focus strictly on the Angelini case?”

  Ryan didn’t respond. The implications of his answer would reveal too much to Jamie. And to himself.

  “Ryan, is the nature of your inquiry FBI business?” Jamie wore his time-to-face-the-truth expression. “Or is it personal?”

  “Yes.” He turned to leave and spotted Alex coming around the corner of the house. He turned back to Jamie. “No. It’s business, strictly business. Anything else would be…it’s business. That’s all it can ever be.”

  “If you believe that, you’re going to lose the one thing you’ve always wanted.”

  “Thanks for the warning, but you’re too late.” He watched Alex approach. “I’ve already lost,” he whispered

  “Am I interrupting?” She stopped a few feet back from the patio border, a guarded look on her face.

  “I was just leaving.” Ryan stepped off the patio, realized he still held the unused towel in his hand and hesitated. He held the towel out to her, wondering how much she hated him.

  Alex accepted the towel, taking care their fingers didn’t inadvertently touch.

  For an instant, she held her breath, wondering if he’d reach for her. Then his hand fell to his side. Disappointment and relief overlapped, creating an uneasy mix of emotion.

  Ryan turned halfway back to Jamie. “I’ll swing by later this afternoon.”

  Since he didn’t seem to be addressing either of them directly, she didn’t try to formulate an answer. He walked by without sparing her a glance. She watched him leave then turned to find Jamie watching her.

  “Won’t you come in?” He stepped back to allow her room to pass. “I was just brewing some tea. Would you like some?”

  Tension ebbed from her shoulders. “Yes, I’d like that very much. Thank you.”

  She sat at the kitchen counter and watched Jamie prepare a light breakfast. Today he had dressed all in black, the clothes tailor-made and striking with an understated elegance.

  Over toast and juice, they discussed possible locations around the estate to use as backgrounds for his portrait.

  She immersed herself in their project, blocking out any doubts of Jamie’s intention for wanting to accomplish the shoot today. The timing was coincidental and had nothing to do with him keeping an eye on her while Ryan was occupied elsewhere.

  For three exhilarating hours, she focused on Jamie and capturing a shot worthy of his presence. When she hit the end of the tenth roll of film, she stopped. “Thank you, Jamie. I needed this—” she held up her Nikon “—more than I realized.”

  She clipped the lens cap back in place and busied herself stowing her equipment back in the bag.

  When she stood, she realized Jamie hadn’t moved from his last pose, his eyes seemed fixed on some point behind her.

  She glanced over her shoulder but didn’t see anything other than rocks and sky. She looked back. “Jamie? We’re done.”

  He closed his eyes and gave a little nod, then looked at her. “Finished already?”

  “Three minutes ago. Did you…” She didn’t know how to finish the question.

  “I feel in need of some refreshment. What about you? You’ve been working very hard, you must be exhausted.”

  Photography never tired her. The excitement of creating energized her rather than drained her. The same couldn’t be said for Jamie. He’d cooperated with her, humored her, provided her with distraction. Now it was past time for her to let him resume his normal activities.

  They returned to the house and Jamie excused himself for a few minutes. She spent the time sorting through all the film she’d shot. When he returned, he’d changed into a light colored shirt and shorts. It was the most casual she’d seen him.

  “I hope you don’t mind.” He gestured at his clothes. “It’s refreshing to relax a bit. I never would have guessed posing could take so much attention and concentration.”

  “I hope you didn’t find it too arduous.”

  “Not at all.”

  “You sort of…disappeared for a couple minutes, as we were finishing.”

  Jamie nodded.

  “What happened?”

  He studied her for a moment with those eerie blue eyes. “I’m not sure you’re ready.”

  She stiffened. “What do you mean?”

  “I apologize.” He held up his hands in a placating gesture. “A poor choice of words. I think you are ready for the message, rather the timing is not optimal. But then, it seldom is.”

  “Message?”

  “I’m not sure how familiar you are with psychic abilities. I’m primarily clairaudient, I hear things. Sometimes, though, I will see images as well.”

  Up to this point, she hadn’t spared a great deal of thought for Jamie’s talent. His statement piqued her curiosity. Now she was left to wonder if how much credence she gave to the messenger would depend on the message.

  Jamie brought out a pitcher of iced tea and filled two tall frosted glasses. He handed her one, capturing her with his steady gaze. “I’ve sensed a presence about you since we met. Today I saw him, which is some indication of how insistent he was for me to acknowledge him.”

  “Him?” Her mouth went dry and she took a sip of tea.

  “Justin.”

  She sank against the counter, gulping more of the cold liquid to wash down the lump in her throat. “What did he want?” What did she believe?

  “He wanted you to know that David has joined him and they are all right. That everything will work out.” Jamie sighed. “He said that, above all else, you should trust yourself.”

  Her head jerked up at that. “Trusting myself has seldom proved to be the wisest choice.”

  “Nevertheless, that is Justin’s message.”

  “Just like that, I’m supposed to trust myself and everything will be okay?” Her hand shook as she set her glass on the counter. “You were right. I’m not ready for that message.”

  “I didn’t say you would like it, but you are ready.”

  She stared at her half-emptied glass, wishing the answer would appear among the crackling ice cubes.

  “Follow your heart,” Jamie said. “When the time comes, you will make the right decision.”

  “Is that Justin’s recommendation or yours?”

  “Justin’s, however I wouldn’t be honest if I were to say I didn’t concur.”

  “And Ryan?” She’d followed her heart into Ryan’s arms and bed last night. Look where it got her—the head of his suspect list.

  That whole fiasco was still too fresh for her to believe Ryan’s friend with blind faith. “How much of the ‘message’ is influenced by your friendship with Ryan? Did he…” She searched for the right words. She didn’t want to insult Jamie, but she needed to know. “Did Ryan suggest some portion of Justin’s ‘message’?”

  “Ryan is an honorable man. He has challenges of his own that he needs to overcome. But he would never suggest that I falsify information.” Jamie refilled her glass. “Nor would I, if he had.”

  “I’m sorry, Jamie, but I had to ask.”

  He nodded acceptance of her apology. “I do understand.”

  Neither spoke, each lost in their own thoughts. A clock in the living room chimed the hour, breaking the spell.

  “Enough contemplation.” Jamie smiled at her. “Tell me, what is the next step in our photographic project. I’m quite anxious to
see the end result.”

  “As am I.” She waved a hand over the array of film canisters. “Which means developing the film is next.”

  “Would you like to use my darkroom?”

  “Yes, please.” Excitement thrummed along her nerves.

  Jamie laughed. “You look like a small child on Christmas morning.”

  “I feel like a kid at Christmas. Whenever I can, I talk Kimo into letting me do my own processing and printing.” She ran her fingers across the canisters. “Working in the darkroom for me is a vital connection between the first glimmer of an idea and the final piece. You’re really okay with letting me use your darkroom?”

  “Right this way.” He led her through the house. “I just restocked the chemicals and laid in a supply of paper, so you should have everything you need for black-and-white or color.”

  He showed her around the small room and helped her organize the necessary materials. The metallic tang of the chemicals acted as a balm, making her feel at home with each breath. She soon lost herself in the chemistry of film development and never noticed him leave.

  She didn’t take a break until she completed developing all the film. When she finally left the darkroom she found Jamie relaxing in the living room. The scented candles flickered and filled the air with their exotic aromas.

  He rose to his feet as she entered. “Are you hungry?”

  She shook her head, but didn’t sit down. Instead, she paced the width of the room. “This is the hardest part. I can see the images but can’t do anything until the film is dry.”

  “Ah, yes. ‘Patience is a virtue.’”

  “One of which I’m in short supply.”

  Jamie chuckled. “Nonetheless, it is well past lunch and you’ve eaten nothing since that meager slice of toast this morning. I’m not about to let my resident artist faint from hunger. Come along, Alexandra.” He crossed the room and led her out to the kitchen.

  The instant she finished the salad he set in front of her, she excused herself. The negatives would be dry. The time had come to discover their secrets.