“Well, looks like things haven’t changed much,” I said to Sean, who was still straightening chairs. The last time I’d been here had been last year, with Lucy.
“A-huh,” Sean said, not looking at me, still investigating a nearby chair.
“David.” A hand cupped my shoulder and I turned around to my Uncle John. “People are starting to arrive. We need to stand by the door and greet them as they come in.”
“Okay.” Another flitter of hope bubbled in my stomach. Sean had said Lucy was coming. I just needed to see her so I could stop obsessing. I was starting to get on my own nerves.
I greeted about eighty people. I knew probably three of them. My birth father and step-mom came, which was wonderful. Dillon ran into my arms and gave me a big hug, trying to squeeze the breath out of me.
“Hey little man, you’ve gotten big!” I ruffled his curly black hair.
“I’d growing, and so big big big.”
“You sure are, buddy.” I got a kiss and a hug with little fat arms before he reached back for his mom. Marty hugged me and kissed my forehead.
“David, we are so sorry.”
“Thanks for asking us to come.” My dad reached in and took me into his arms. I needed it. I relaxed, letting down a wall that I had been keeping reserved for Lucy to help break down. But I was started to get really angry that I hadn’t seen her yet. I knew that it wasn’t going to do any good. Seeing her wasn’t going to fix anything, especially not after so long. And she didn’t owe me anything. And whatever kind of expectation I was having right now was purely something that I had made up on my own. But I was still kind of angry.
I sighed deeply and went to go sit down in the main part of the church where the pastor got up to say a few words. He hadn’t known Grandma, but he had done his homework, probably getting the basics from my friends. He said a lot of good stuff about making life count. It sounded like something straight from my grandmother’s mouth.
I looked around and saw Isaiah, Evelyn, Johnny, Jennika, and Michelle all sitting in a row a few back. They all looked classy. Even Michelle had toned it down a bit in my grandma’s honor. She had most of her makeup off, her big eyes showing and her thin lips were a color that occurred in nature. Her round face stood out under her hair she had recently dyed black. It was a flawless black, much like mine. She was a beautiful girl; I couldn’t deny it. She caught me looking over at her and she smiled at me with amazing compassion. It was strange for me to see her as a person who cared for other’s feelings. I felt an unexplained warmth when I saw her. I smiled back, wishing that I could make myself feel more than brotherly love for her. It would make my life a million times easier.
“And now, her grandson David is going to say a few words.” The pastor’s words called me forward. I looked up at him, trying not to look startled. I’d known I was going up there. My grandmother’s sons had asked me to be the one that spoke for the family. They always thought of me as an outsider, which I was, but I guess they had changed their opinions a little in the last few weeks.
I took a deep breath, straightened myself up, and stood. I wore a grey, three-piece suit with matching jacket and vest. The legs felt tight, which usually never happened because I had such tiny legs. A deep red tie added a little color but nothing gaudy. My grandma loved the color red, so I thought it was appropriate. Our entire family wore red roses in our lapels, as well. I walked up to the front, feeling like a fool in front of all these people, but I wanted to do this, even though I was completely terrified. Behind the podium, I looked out at the sea of nameless faces staring back at me. My mouth got dry from the attention, but I opened it anyways.
“My grandma was an incredible woman.” My voice surprised me, and just hearing it gave me some courage.
“You may not believe this, but I used to be a bit of a punk.” A few people snickered and I didn’t have to look up to see who they were. I felt a huge sense of love pour over me as I thought about my friends, sitting a few rows back, here at Grandma’s funeral. Some of them were old friends, some were new, all supported me.
“I changed when I moved in with her.” I felt my face break into an involuntary smile at the memory of landing in her home. “I started truly living my life when she took me in. All it had taken was me risking my own life by going after some beautiful girl in a frozen lake.” The whole room started laughing. I didn’t realize I was such a comedian. Stupid small towns, everyone knew your business. Each person in that room knew exactly what I was talking about. I started chuckling at the different memories that were running through my mind, totally abandoning the speech I had written the night before.
“I went out once, without telling Grandma, and came home at two in the morning. She was sitting in her living room, with curlers in her hair, when I walked through the front door.” I paused for effect. “Then she spanked me. I was seventeen years old.” I laughed along with the crowd this time.
One laugh in particular, a familiar obnoxious laugh, made my pulse race. It made my heart jump through my chest as I scanned the room, looking desperately for Lucy. Finally, in the back corner I saw a pair of the most amazing blue eyes I had ever seen. We made eye contact but she looked down instead of devastating me with her smile, like I was so used to. Her hair was shorter, and straight. The tips just skimmed the tops of her shoulders. It fell around her eyes and cheeks in layers, with red highlights that mingled with the soft brown.
Her face was rounder then the last time I had seen her, and looked even more beautiful than I remembered. It was the most perfect face I had ever seen. Her eyes sneaked up and I caught their gaze again. She smiled then raised her eyebrows up like she was waiting for something.
My stomach jumped into my throat, realizing I hadn’t spoken in about fifteen seconds. I’d just stood in front of everyone, my mouth probably hanging open like an idiot. I shook my head and closed my mouth. Suddenly I had to work really hard not to cry.
“She taught me how to live right, how to be a good man. Every good thing I do or earn in my life will be because of her.” My eyes were starting to swell and my throat was killing me from the effort of fighting back tears. I had to end it, or I was going to start bawling in front of everyone. “I just loved her very much, and I am going to miss her. She was the greatest woman I have ever known. Thank you.” Everyone applauded for me as I walked down to my chair. I felt grateful that they were all so gracious to me. That speech wasn’t going to win any prizes.
Evelyn and Rachel walked quietly up front and sang “Amazing Grace” in this incredible two-part harmony, without any instruments. They sounded beautiful, and both looked exquisite. Their voices blended together perfectly, mesmerizing everyone. I barely heard them though. All I wanted was to look behind me and see that beautiful face, those eyes, again. I was afraid if I waited too long she would disappear, leaving behind the little bit of my heart that I still had intact.
I glanced over at my friends who were only a few rows behind me and was surprised to see that they were all looking down at their hands, or trying to avoid looking at the far corner of the room. My suspicion that they were all keeping something from me was growing. I looked behind them, trying to see if I could spot Lucy. There was a large old man blocking my view, but whenever he weaved I could see her. She was looking in my direction.
Sweat was pouring from my hands and I could actually hear my heartbeat in my ears. I was trying to figure out when I could talk to her. If she let me, I was going to kiss those amazing lips. It had been almost a year since I had even seen her, or talked with her. I couldn’t remember what the big deal was in her bathroom anymore. In the last year I thought of about thirty-four different ways I could have handled that.
When the service was over everyone was invited to the church’s banquet hall, where lunch was laid out. I stood up slowly, trying not to just run over to Lucy and act like a complete fool. Funerals weren’t really the place for making a romantic scene. Maybe in movies, but not in real life.
I turned ar
ound and saw her with our friends. Isaiah was hugging her and kissed the top of her head. Her laugh made me widen my steps towards her. She reached for Johnny and Jennika, hugging them both like she hadn’t seen them in awhile. They moved to the side and I stopped dead in my tracks. Pain rocked through my body, a pain I’d never felt before. This was complete helplessness, the inability to change what I was seeing. A thing that I had never expected and had absolutely no way to deal with.
Lucy was holding her back with her right hand. With the left she was cradling a huge stomach. She was pregnant, ready to pop. But that wasn’t even the worst part.
On the fourth finger of her left hand sat a ginormous diamond ring.
26. SAY WHAT, NOW?
I just stood there. Dumbfounded.
My mouth hung wide open, looking at the girl I loved. Her pregnant stomach stretched a foot in front of her. And she was surrounded by my idiot friends, none of whom had the decency to even look at me.
“Hey, David.” She stared at her feet, letting her short hair fall loosely in front of her eyes. I backed up, taking in my surroundings.
I was at my grandmother’s funeral. Lucy was standing in front of me, pregnant and, I assumed, married. Or about to be. She was also completely engulfed by my two best friends, Johnny and Isaiah, and their two girlfriends. I must be a bigger jerk than I thought, for no one to bother telling me any of this.
“Hey.” I said, sounding like a robot and not even caring.
“I, um, I think we should get in line guys,” Sean’s voice piped up, and he led the way for everyone to follow him. The entire group almost ran away from us, like cartoon characters whose feet moved faster than their bodies. All that was missing was the comical music that went with it. They bumped into each other awkwardly, trying not to look like they were rushing away from us.
Lucy watched them do their stupid dance till they were out of the sanctuary, until there was nothing else for her to look at. She faced me again, her round face glowing with a deep blush. If it were my baby she would have been the most beautiful person that had ever existed, but it wasn’t. I felt numb.
“The service was beautiful. She would have loved it.” Lucy’s fingers flexed, like they wanted to reach out for me, but she was controlling the instinct. I didn’t know if I wanted her to touch me or not. She was still Lucy, but she wasn’t my Lucy anymore. It was not a question to mull over countless times, it was now fact.
“Yeah.” I said, still staring at her stomach. I couldn’t help it. What was I supposed to look at?
Whose genius idea was it to spring this on me today of all days? There was no good time in that entire year I waited to see Lucy that might have been better than today? How was I supposed to act? Should I have jumped up and down like a flipping sorority sister and flapped my hands with excitement? I almost wanted to, just to make fun of her.
I held my tongue instead, determined not to lose my temper.
“Look,” she started to say, but I interrupted her by putting my hand up for her to stop talking.
“Lucy. I am looking at the girl I am deeply, intensely in love with, a girl whose advances I refused the last time I saw her, for a number of good reasons, not the least of which was that deep, intense love. I wanted to spend my life with her. And she is someone else’s now. So please don’t say anything cliché. I don’t think I can handle that.”
She sucked her lips in and combed her fingers through her hair. I put my hands out in front of me, telling her that she could say what she wanted, now. She didn’t say anything right away, but after a pause took a step closer to me and looked at me straight in the eyes.
“I’m sorry David,” she said, finally.
“Sorry,“ I said, more than asked. “What are you sorry about?”
“I’m sorry that I never told you about this, I guess I was embarrassed--” She cut excuses off and looked up at me with pleading blue eyes. I forced myself not to melt and kept my face like stone.
“You owe me nothing, Lucy. Congratulations.” My voice stayed as flat as possible. Then I turned around and walking swiftly out of the main part of the church, leaving Lucy and Grandma behind me in the large, empty room.
I was walking away from the two women who meant the most to me. One was dead. The other was starting a new life, without me.
I walked over to the table where my “friends” were sitting at and held my hand out to Johnny.
“Give me the keys to your car.”
“What?” Johnny sputtered at me. I spoke slowly, meaningfully.
“The keys. To your car. Give them to me. Now.”
“Why, man?” I cut him off.
“Don’t you dare ask me why.” I glared at each one of them, daring them to ask why I was upset so I would have a reason to come unglued. Like I wanted to.
“You all knew, every one of you, that she was married and pregnant. Not one of you had the decency to tell me.” I held my hand out to Johnny and snapped my fingers.
Johnny reached in his pocket and pulled out the keychain but didn’t hand them to me. Instead, he looked pleadingly at me and then at the group to help him.
“She told us not to…” Isaiah’s face looked as stupid as the words that were coming out of his mouth, and he knew it.
“Why don’t you take some time to actually think about what you just said?” I snarled at him.
“When do I get my car back?” Johnny asked me, placing the keys in my palm. I didn’t answer him. My hand shut like a Venus Fly Trap and I almost sprinted from the room, not giving anyone a second glance. As I got into Johnny’s car and turned on the ignition I saw Lucy walking out of the church, her hands up to her face like she was crying. A surge of anger almost suffocated me.
I took a deep breath, looked away, and drove towards the freeway. My goal was to escape from this place. It held nothing for me but sorrow and death. I followed the curves of the road, going steadily along with the cars that were driving next to me. I wasn’t speeding or anything. I was just driving. I kept my eyes in front of me, refusing to look back, willing my brain to go on autopilot. I needed to go someplace to be alone. I saw a sign for Foys Lake up ahead and, without thinking, I put on my blinker. I mean, why not?
It all started there, anyways.
The lake was quiet, except for a couple families on the other side where the embankment went down into the water. Sunlight reflected off ripples in the water, making it look like millions of diamonds were floating on the surface of the lake. It would have looked a lot prettier if I had been in a better mood.
Walking down a little trail to the water’s edge, I leaned against the wooden railing at the end of a short dock. I had never been to this part of the lake before. Beaches weren’t really my activity of choice. Me in a Speedo would have been a scary sight.
Getting my bearings, I looked around and saw the little picnic bench where Johnny, Isaiah, Michelle, and I had sat on that frozen day almost two years ago. I remembered the way I felt when I saw that white van with the name “Valley Christian” printed on the side. Then I remembered that beautiful girl I had seen so many times at school jump from the van, wearing a ridiculous black snowsuit. I felt my blood freeze, recalling the way her eyes looked when she laughed, and how terrified they had been when she fell through the ice into the water.
I remembered running to her, not knowing her but already terrified that something would happen to her. When I’d gotten into the water to pull her out, the way she clung on to my body meant I was the only thing keeping her safe. That memory went from embarrassing, to amazing, to painful, all in what seemed like a blink of an eye. I closed my eyes and, for the first time since I’d seen Lucy pregnant, I allowed myself to really feel the pain.
I’d been so focused on keeping my temper that I hadn’t really reacted to the bombshell that had dropped in my lap today. Now that I was alone I could feel those walls coming down. Screaming seemed like the sensible option, but I just wanted to curl up in a hole and wallow in the ache of the obvious end
I had been desperately hoping against for almost a year. Lucy was gone; she wasn’t mine. I felt the ring on the long chain underneath my suit, heavy and painful against my chest. It felt like it was the only thing there, lying against my heart, weighing a ton. That little ring had sat next to my skin for almost a year, a promise of my own to the girl I loved. And now it didn’t even matter.
I closed my eyes and let the hot sun shine on my face. It felt good to be warm. I could see orange through my closed eyelids. I longed for the ice to be frozen again when I opened my eyes, so I could have another chance at that amazing life I almost had.
I heard tires on the trail I had accidentally found, coming up behind me.
“Sweet Jesus.” I spoke louder than I would normally have, but the noise had shocked me out of day-dream mode. Turing around, I felt like I couldn’t get a break, expecting to see an adorable little family coming. It wasn’t a little family. It was much worse.
It was Lucy.
Her little red car howled up, Lucy’s stupid chin stuck out over the dashboard like she was determined to find me. She parked her car with a jerk next to Johnny’s and came out with reasonable speed, fast considering she looked like she was carrying triplets. I leaned my back against the dock where I was standing and waited, arms crossed. She obviously didn’t care that I wanted to be alone. Might as well get this over with. That was Lucy; if she wanted something, she wanted it now.
Bring on the tantrum.
“You just left!” She stomped her foot, yelling at me. Like she had the right to even be speaking to me. I’d just spent all my energy on not yelling, getting to a place where I could chill out. And then she follows me and yells at me. But I had already decided I wasn’t going to lose my temper, regardless of what she said. What did it ever get me? Where could it ever take me? I took a deep breath, ready to tell her that I just needed to be alone, but she spoke first. I use the term “spoke” loosely.
My Stupid Girl Page 37