“I’m trying to tell you something, and you just leave?!” She was furious. “That’s what you do, David. You just leave.” She walked straight up to me and got so close she bumped me with her belly. It would have been funny, it was so ludicrous. Except it wasn’t funny at all.
“What can I say? It hurts to see you, so I left.” The truth was probably the best way to go. I didn’t have enough energy to try to come up with anything else, anyways. It was surprising how naturally talking to her came, like we had never been apart. Or that she had never married a man and gotten knocked up with his baby. But I’m getting technical. “What would you like me to say, Lucy?”
“I don’t want you to say anything, actually,” she replied simply. “I want you to shut up for a second and let me talk.” She was slightly hunched over and was holding the small of her back with her hand and the under part of her stomach with the other. She looked uncomfortable and walked over to the little bench that was built into the dock to sit down. “What I wanted to do was apologize.”
I nodded my head and sighed deeply. “Okay.” I tried not to look over. The sun was shining down on her, completely engulfing her with its rays, making her glow even more. It was really unfair that I still found her so incredibly breathtaking, even in this state. She took a deep breath, like she was gathering air into her lungs to prepare for whatever speech she had been practicing for.
“I’m, I'm sorry,” she faltered, sucked in another gulp of air, then wiped away a tear that had been forming in her eye. “I’m sorry that I gave you my purity ring the way I did.” She looked up at me, shyness spilling from her eyes. “I’m sorry I tried to pressure you into something that neither of us were ready for. That I knew neither of us were ready for.” I opened my mouth to tell her it was over, that what was done was done, but she kept going. “I’m sorry I didn’t call and apologize the day after. I wanted to, but I was such a spoiled little brat I kept waiting for you to call me and apologize.” She shook her head and looked out at the lake.
“Don’t apologize for that, I should have called you.”
“Please,” she held her hand up. She looked like she was gathering her courage to tell me more. Oh goody, was I about to hear about the last year of her life. Finding her husband, marrying him, having his baby. All that jazz.
“I’m sorry that I said no one wanted you. I didn’t mean it, I was just mad.”
“I didn’t mean when I said I wished you'd drowned,” I quickly responded.
“I know you didn’t mean that part. But, David, I got a little crazy after you left.” She put her head down in shame, all her hair falling in front of her face like it had earlier, except she didn’t try to move it away this time.
“I doubt you went crazy.”
She snorted at me. “Oh, no. I went crazy. It wasn’t hard at all. My parents really trusted me so I managed to get out to parties. I snuck into bars. I hung out with people I barely knew. It was exciting. Basically, I wanted to show everyone that I was ready for life, that I wasn’t just the simple-minded Lucy who was always happy with everything.” Her brow was furrowed when she spoke, sadness coming out with each syllable she spoke.
“Oh,” I said, but she interrupted me again.
“David, I’m not married. I’m not engaged. The father of this baby asked me to sign a document saying that he has no legal obligation towards it.” Her shoulders crumpled.
“Come again?” I hardly dared to believe what she was saying. “You’re not married?” I felt betrayed in a completely different way. This person sitting in front of me was not the Lucy that I knew. Nothing about her was the same except her eyes. But those eyes peered out of a different face, surrounded by different hair, attached to a very different body.
“I asked everyone not to say anything to you. I told them that I wanted to do it, but I kept chickening out. Don’t be mad at them, they kept telling me to tell you and I kept telling them I was going to.” She continued without taking any breaths, “I thought about you every day. But I got pregnant and at first I was just trying to deal with that. And by the time I had a grip on it, I was showing. And I just kept getting bigger and bigger, and feeling more and more ashamed of what I did. It almost became impossible to even think about talking to you, you know what I mean?”
“Please shut up.” Her constant yammering about nothing was annoying me. I wanted her to answer my question. “You said you’re not married?” I asked again, saying it slowly so she knew I wouldn’t allow her to change the subject again. She didn’t answer this time, just looked up at me with her big swollen eyes and slowly shook her head no, her bottom lip quivering. She put her arms around herself and leaned back into the bench she was sitting in. She looked like a shadow of a girl I once knew, replaced by an older, sadder woman who was waiting for the anvil to drop on her. I let that simple headshake she had answered with sink in.
She wasn’t married. She wasn’t even with anyone else.
I walked over to her. Each step brought new hope and more understanding about the last year, even the way she’d acted in the bathroom on prom night. Bending down in front of her, I placed my forehead against her stomach. I was defeated. I was done. Done trying to convince myself that this girl could never be mine. Here she was, sitting in front of me with a mask on. A big, diamond-ring mask that was hiding the truth about who she was.
She was turning into me, hiding behind props. That was the worst thing she could become. I had loved her from the moment she walked into my hospital room, wrapped in a ridiculous hospital blanket and fallen asleep in my arms. I had spent a year trying to talk myself out of loving her, and all that effort had just made me want her more. She had been a constant in my life, someone who had been a pillar of strength while challenging me to be better. And I needed her.
How else could I describe it besides admitting that I was hers? Whether she chose me or not, I would always be hers.
She put her hand on the back of my head, still resting on her belly. The warmth of her touch brought indescribable comfort. I looked up at her and reached for her left hand.
“Were did you get this?” I whispered, my face very close to hers now.
“It was thirteen dollars at the drugstore,” she whispered back. I could hear a hint of laughter that would have come spilling out of her in earlier times. I reached over, slid the ring off her finger, and flicked it into the lake. The whistle it made as it spun through the air faded before we heard a faint plop. We watched the ripples before I spoke again.
“Lucy, I haven’t been the same since the day you washed my makeup off.” I brought my hands up to the side of her face and held it so she couldn’t look away. “I won't let you do the same thing I did to myself. I won’t let you hide, thinking you’re not good enough the way you are. You don’t need that ring.” My eyes got hot. Crying was a definite possibility. “I love you, Lucy. No matter what.”
Tears started flowing from her eyes. She reached up and wrapped her arms completely around my neck, drenching the side of my face.
“I’m so sorry, David.”
I didn’t know if I should say, “I forgive you,” or “it’s okay,” or “me too.” None of it matched how I felt. All I could think to do was put my hand behind her head, pull that amazing face into mine, and kiss her. I took in everything. She smelled just like my Lucy: flower shampoo and cinnamon gum. Her lips felt just as soft as before, even her skin was the same temperature and just as smooth as I remembered it. I felt like I was home.
“I love you,” she blubbered into my ear.
“Lucy, I love you.” I still held her face in my hands so I could look at her properly for the first time, without a film of pain over my eyes.
“So... what happened?” I kept my voice low as I returned my hand to her stomach. Lucy’s shoulders went up instantly, tensing, ready for me to retreat. I knew that I was going to love her, no matter what she said, but I still had to know. I just waited. She took another deep breath and then buckled.
“I went to a party with s
ome girls from school, there was this guy there.” She looked deep into my eyes like she used to, but this time she was pleading with me to forgive her. I felt a twinge of jealousy, knowing what was coming. “David, I don’t want to get into details. The first time, I was still so mad, that when he asked me to...” She bit her bottom lip and looked over to the lake, shame deep in her eyes. “I lost my virginity to some guy in someone else’s bed. I was drunk and all I really remembered was that it hurt.” Her voice caught and she leaned forward and put her face in my neck, a new wave of tears coming down. My jealousy was replaced by sudden anger. I wanted to find that guy and bash his head in. I’ll bet if I asked Johnny and Isaiah we could make a day trip of it.
“We were only together a few times. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later. He was so mean. He told me I was stupid, that he never wanted to see my face again. He wanted me to get an abortion.” She shook her head, disgusted.
I had to take deep breaths for a full minute before my face, purple from rage, relaxed enough to eek words out of my lips.
“You said you signed something that says he has no right to the baby?” I made sure my voice was calm and tender. Not at all matching the protective rippling storm I was feeling inside.
“Yes.” She smiled at me, and I reached in and kissed her again, because I could.
“Thank you for telling me.” I tucked little loose hairs behind her ears. Her hair was layered so short now that they kept slipping out.
“How many months along are you?”
“Eight. I’ve got about three weeks left. Technically, it could happen any day.” She put her head to the side and smiled. “You’ve changed.”
“How do you mean?”
“You’re so much more gentle, more patient.” She gave me a grateful look that made me instantly glad that I had chosen to fight my temper back. Over and over and over again. Some people chose forgiveness daily, I chose not freaking out. Hourly.
“I guess I’ve learned a bit in the last year. You seem different, too.” I got off my knees and sat next to her on the bench. She leaned her body over and I put my arms around her, already used to (and loving) the girth of her body.
She reached up and grabbed my hand and spread it open with her fingers, hers into mine. “God said that whoever has been forgiven much, loves much. I’m learning to love better.”
“The woman who poured perfume on Jesus feet, right? Luke.” It was automatic. I wasn’t even thinking when I said it; just kind of excited I recognized the quote. Lucy, however, was shocked. She spun around and looked at me. Her eyes were wide and her mouth was gaping.
“How did you know that?”
“A lot of things have changed this year.” I smiled at her and kissed her nose. “I had a lot of free time.” She punched my shoulder. It felt awesome.
“We should go back to the lunch.” I stood up, grabbing her hand and helping her up. “Luce, you gotta’ meet my birth father.” Excitement ran thru my body.
I didn’t care that she was pregnant when she would be meeting Anthony Pfalmer. I didn’t care that we hadn’t talked in a year. All I cared was that she was mine again.
27. BIRTHDAYS AND AMNIOTIC FLUID
I think my birth father fell in love with Lucy quicker than I did. The two of them sat at a table together and talked for hours. I got jealous. I couldn’t tell who I wanted attention from more, Lucy or my father. But there they sat, talking like old friends. They were a lot alike, which gave me more pleasure than I could describe.
Johnny and Isaiah walked up to me, both looking like two naughty children waiting for their beating. They stepped in unison, looking like that creature with two heads and one body on Sesame Street, except one had a distinct limp, which I think he was exaggerating so that I would have pity on the cripple. It wasn’t going to work. No mercy for gimps.
“Forgive us David, for we have sinned.” One voice came out of two mouths, with perfect timing. I tried very hard to look at them sternly, but I couldn’t. Laughter bubbled out of my throat.
“You guys are idiots.” I shook my head at them, really wishing that I could fake just a little bit of anger. They deserved a heaping serving of guilt.
“We understand why you’re mad. We made a really bad decision, keeping quiet.” Isaiah spoke seriously. That was rare enough. So I listened.
“Yeah,” Johnny said, lowering his voice so Anthony couldn’t hear what we were saying. “We really wanted to, but she kept telling us she wanted to do it. We figured it was her call. I mean her privilege, or whatever, to be the one to tell you. It just got out of hand. We’ve been freaking out all morning, knowing you were going to see her today.”
“I almost took the engine out of her car, but I think she probably would have walked here or hitchhiked from a crazy truck driver and gotten herself killed or something. I couldn’t have that on my conscience.” Isaiah explained solemnly. He was back to joking now. Kinda.
They both looked at me, waiting for my response. I shook my head at them and looked over at Lucy who was still talking to my birth father, but looking over at us from the corner of her eye.
“I see why you didn’t tell me.” Both relaxed the tiniest bit at that. “You’re a pair of pansies.” They raised their eyebrows and pouted their bottom lips at the same time, obviously planned. I glanced over at Lucy who was also sticking her bottom lip out at me. I laughed. Reaching over, I kissed Lucy’s mouth. In front of everyone.
I hadn’t even realized I had done it until Dillon cried out.
“Ohhhhhh.”
“She gets a kiss, and we don’t?” Isaiah batted his eyelashes and made a kissy-face at me. He looked like he was hurting himself.
“She’s got a bit more to offer. Sorry.”
“Harsh man.” He sat down at the table to join us, Johnny dragging a chair in between Lucy and me on the other side.
“Evelyn would probably appreciate a kiss.” I jerked my head towards the beautiful chocolate-brown curly-haired girl somewhere behind us.
“Ugh. I just threw up in my mouth,” Isaiah said, his lip curling up in disgust.
“Shut up man, we all know you like her,” Johnny said. Lucy’s giggle surprised us. She bit her lip and gave Isaiah an apologetic look.
“No, I am terrified of her. There is a difference.” His face was serious.
“Terrified? Whatever man, you take her out all the time,” Johnny shot back.
“I do not ‘take her out;’ she follows me everywhere.”
“You drive to her house and pick her up!” Johnny started hitting his knee, laughing uncontrollably. Isaiah didn’t answer this time. He just crossed his arms and started tutting like a 90-year-old man at anyone who made noise.
“Am I the only one not freaked out about having a gorgeous girlfriend?” Johnny asked.
“Well, you are the ugliest of the three of us. I would say yes.” Isaiah spoke up before I could reply. “And Evil isn’t my girlfriend.”
It was wonderful to be sitting at this table, not only with Lucy and my birth father, but with my two best friends. Everyone was laughing and picking on the weakest link of the moment. I missed this so much.
Lucy reached her hand behind Johnny and put it on my arm.
“Can I take you home, David?” she asked, her big eyes looking hopefully at me.
“Not yet, I want to spend some time with you first.” I didn’t bother to whisper because Johnny was in between us. Anyway, he wasn’t even pretending to not eavesdrop. I flicked his eye. He yelped. He deserved it.
“What the heck man?!” He grabbed his eye and flicked my ear, right before he ran away, like a delicate pansy, to Jennika for safety. I moved into the chair that Johnny had been sitting in and put my forehead against Lucy’s cheek. I was basking in this.
* * *
I got a hotel room in town.
Grandma’s house and the loneliness of Whitefish were too much for me to face. Plus, I really didn’t want to be an hour away from my birth father or Lucy. Tony (he told m
e to call him that) was staying for the weekend so I got a whole extra day with him on Sunday.
There was so much to do at Grandma’s house that I wasn’t ready to deal with. I had to deal with all of the house stuff: paying her final bills, going through her things and cleaning her room, and figuring out what to do with the house. Her sons had been really ticked that I got absolutely everything. It was kind of weird, because Grandma hadn’t had much. It wasn’t like she could have split it into many pieces. Aside from the house, there was a bank account with a few hundred dollars and some stocks that were almost worthless.
Even still, I would have felt bad for them, if it weren’t for the fact that the most effort they’d made in the last ten years was to call on Sunday afternoons. I was over it. They left town in a huff.
Lucy had dropped me at the hotel proclaiming that another birthday celebration was in the works.
“Wow. You’re already thinking of my birthday?” I chuckled. It was the last thing on my mind. With all that was going on, me turning nineteen hadn’t been on my mind.
“Of course I am.” She smiled so sweetly at me I couldn’t help but kiss her. Every time she opened her mouth and said something to me, my first response was a kiss. I couldn’t help it. She was so beautiful, and the best part was that she was in front of me. Magically.
I knew I had missed her but I wasn’t aware of the complete void I had felt without her. Her pregnancy, which had given her a lot of anxiety, was, for me, just part of the awesomeness of being in Lucy’s presence. I felt nothing but indescribable devotion to her. It almost set my heart on fire.
I couldn’t believe how calm she was. Every time I expected her to laugh or punch my arm, which she used to do all the time, she would surprise me by softly smiling, and grabbing my hand, and wiggling her fingers between mine. I kind of missed the old Lucy, though. It was painful to see how quickly she’d been forced to grow up because of the choices she had made and still had to make. But she was still my Lucy.
“Can I see your tattoo? I never saw it colored in.” She turned off her ignition in a parking spot in front of my hotel. Her face lit up with excitement at the prospect, a glimmer of old Lucy still shining in those icy blue eyes.
My Stupid Girl Page 38