“Because I wanted him there.” My eyes narrowed.
“And because you knew Mason would be there. It was easier not to face him by yourself. Why do you keep Jameson in your desk drawer? Why not something else?”
“Because it’s Mason’s—” The words died on my lips.
“Favorite,” Luke finished. “You’re still thinking of him, even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself. I’m not saying that you and Adam aren’t good for each other, but I think you need to really consider if he’s going to make you happy.”
“Like Mason did?” I asked bitterly.
“Mase had his own crosses to bear, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. I know for a fact he does. He’s grown up a lot over the past few years. I think during that time, he’s realized exactly how badly he messed up when he told you it was over. He wanted what was best for you.”
“So I’ve been told,” I said, taking another sip of the whiskey. “It doesn’t matter.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, kid. You’re still thinking about him.”
I scowled and shook my head. “Luke, he let me go. Over and over again, he’s watched me walk away countless times.”
“Emmy, he’s trying to do what he thinks is best for you,” Luke said softly. He put his empty glass on the desk. “Mason watches you leave because he thinks he’s already lost you. Believe me, he still thinks of you.”
I watched Luke down the rest of his glass and walk out of my office. I wished that he had some other answer for me, something simpler. His steps echoed down the hallways as he went towards the elevator. Maybe he was right, maybe I did still think of Mason. If that was the case, what did it mean for my future? Was I destined to always pine for someone knowing that it wouldn’t work out in the long run? God, I hoped not.
***
“It’s mistletoe. You have to kiss!” A drunken voice called out.
Adam pulled me in and I gasped as his lips lightly brushed against mine. I tightened my hold on his arms. My grip on him was the only thing keeping me upright. His hand tipped my jaw back and he deepened the kiss.
It wasn’t enough. I need more; all I want is his arms around me and his lips on mine. My shaking fingers grasped tighter into his collar. As quickly as the kiss began, it ended. He grabbed my hand and pulled me behind him as he walked towards the stairs.
“We need to talk.”
He pulled me through the crowds of people at the party, easily pushing his way past people vying for our attention. The door to my bedroom opened and he pulled me in behind him.
“Em, why haven’t you started the fertility treatments yet? You keep saying you want to have a baby before you turn thirty.”
My mouth dropped open in shock. “You want to talk about this now, Adam? Really? You know that finding out Mason hadn’t filed—”
“Don’t give me that bullshit! You’re hiding behind that stupid excuse and you know it.” He ran his fingers through his hair. Maybe it was the haze of alcohol, but it was actually sexy seeing him this fired up. “You hide behind that ring like it will actually keep you safe from what you’re feeling for me.”
I put my hands on my hips and glared at him in the dim light.
“Tell me you don’t feel something between us? Something that’s been building for months and that scares the hell out of you.”
His eyes were pleading, begging me to tell him the truth and finally be honest about my feelings. The truth scared the hell out of me though because that meant I might actually be moving on with my life. It meant that I could actually choose to live a life without Mason.
”Of course I do,” I whispered.
Before the words were even out of my mouth, he pulled me against him. As he pressed his hard body into mine, the evidence of how much chemistry there truly was between us showed clearly. His mouth crashed down on mine and my fingers itched to thread themselves through his hair. There’s so much passion and pent up sexual frustration, I couldn’t breathe. I grabbed at his shirt to deepen the kiss even more. His hands lifted me up and my legs wrapped around his waist automatically. I shivered as his hand traveled up my thigh, fingering the edge of my short sequined dress. My shoes dropped to the ground, although both of us ignored them, lost in these new feelings we are finally allowing ourselves to explore.
He backed us towards the bed, laying me down on the cool sheets. Something shifted between us. Adam isn’t just the guy I have a crush on, he’s a strong, sexy man who can make me feel things I’ve missed. He makes me feel sexy again, that I haven’t lost my way even though I’ve lost my ability to have children. My entire body trembled as he stood up and looked down at me through hooded eyes. He shook his head, almost a regretful action, and took a step back.
“No matter how much we want this, you’re still married. My ex-wife cheated on me and I won’t do it to anyone else, no matter how much I hate Mason for how he’s treated you over the past year. It doesn’t matter how upset I am at you for letting him control you from eight hundred miles away, we can’t do it.”
I was so confused. He was the one pushing for this. Why was he pulling back now? I’d literally just found out that I wasn’t divorced yesterday, so why did it matter now? We’ve been fighting this for so long. I just wanted him to make me feel good, but instead of asking him, I sat there silently, waiting for him to go on.
“Listen to me, Emerald; I want to be with you. You know I want the kids, the house, the whole picture and I want every bit of that with you. I want you to have my babies, but we can’t have that unless you figure out what’s going on with Mason. If you want me, you know what you need to do.”
He slowly backed away, but I reached out and caught his hand before he was out of reach.
“Adam, I’m—”
The look on his face made me suck in a breath. He wanted this as much as I did and he was holding back; out of respect for Mase, or respect for me, I wasn’t sure which. He paused as he reached out to brush my face with his fingertips.
“Adam, I’m going to be out of town for a few days. I just thought you should know.”
He nodded his head once and turned to walk out of the room without another word, leaving me shocked to my core behind him, still lying on the bed, where I so desperately wanted him to make love to me only minutes before.
I woke up with a start. It wasn’t Christmas, but it certainly felt like it. These dreams were getting more intense. My nights were filled with either Adam or Mason. Why couldn’t I choose? Why did I even feel like I had to choose? Hadn’t I done that when I divorced Mason in the first place?
My head ached.
It took me a few minutes to drag myself from my bed and go down to the kitchen. I didn’t bother turning on any lights. It would only keep me up longer if I did.
I was over how miserable I felt all the time. I rested my head against the cool metal of the refrigerator. Realistically, I knew what I needed to do. There were too many unanswered questions between Mason and me. It left me vulnerable. Maybe if I heard the whole story about John and Aubrey from him it would help. It was possible that my head would clear up if he actually came clean about everything that had happened in that period of our lives. It was also entirely possible that it wouldn’t help a damn thing and I would feel worse about the whole situation. All I wanted was the truth. I could decide where to go from there.
I knocked on the front door of the house I’d lived in for years before Mason and I divorced. It was sobering to feel so uncomfortable walking into a place that had been my home for so long. I stared at the shocked face in front of me as Mason answered the door. He looked like he’d seen a ghost and it took him a minute to speak.
"Emmy, what are you doing here?”
“I think we need to talk,” I said softly.
“Come on in,” he said stepping to the side. Mason put his hand on my lower back and led me in. The touch of his hand both turned me on and infuriated me at the same time. It killed me that my body still responded to him after e
verything.
“I'm a little surprised that you even want to talk after how the last time ended,” he said dryly.
We stood in the living room staring at one another. I wanted to let go of my anger. It was consuming me at this point, and honestly, I didn’t have the energy for it anymore. I wanted better for myself. Something like what Violet and Jaxon have, or Stephen and Taylor, and it was going to be with a man who loved me and deserved me. Mason Davis had loved me at one point, but I didn’t know if he deserved me anymore.
"Why did you ask for the divorce?"
"What?" he asked in confusion.
"The divorce. When I left to go to New York, why did you ask for it? Why didn't you follow me to New York?"
"Emmy, do we really need to do this? I don't think that rehashing all of this is going to fix things."
I kept my calm CEO demeanor on the outside, but inside I was a complete mess. "Mason, please, just tell me why."
His jaw tightened. "You know why. Stephen told you."
I looked away and whispered, “But I want to hear it from you."
He tugged on my hand pulling me over to the sofa. We sat down and I saw the hurt and remorse in his eyes that he had been hiding all these years. My Mason was still in there somewhere.
"There’s one thing you have to know. I never wanted the divorce, but you were about to get your dream job, Emmy. I couldn't be the one to hold you back. When my dad first got sick he was worried about the family. John and I had a lot of discussions about how we would take care of everyone after Dad died. I can't say that his death made me realize that I wanted a family with you, but I'm sure it influenced my decision. You know the part where I was too chicken to man up and just tell you, instead I just begged for us to elope." He took my hands in his. “Emmy, I'm so sorry. You deserved better than that. I should have given you a fairy tale wedding that was perfect."
"Mase, I didn't care about the wedding. I just wanted to be married. We’d waited so long. None of that stuff mattered."
He squeezed my hand. "John got his orders a few months after Dad passed. Aubrey was a mess. It took everything for him not to go AWOL. They found out about Jacob right before he was deployed and that made everything so much harder. He made me promise I wouldn’t leave Aubrey if anything happened. John knew we were close, closer than her and Kaleb, and he had this gut feeling that he wouldn’t be back.” He huffed out a breath. “He was right.”
I was quiet for a minute. “Did he ever tell her?”
He shook his head. “No, and he didn’t want me to tell her either. He knew that she would feel like a burden if she ever found out. I asked him about telling you, in the end he told me it was my decision, but when you got the offer I couldn’t ruin it for you. It killed me inside to push you away, but I knew you wanted that job. You deserved success and happiness. So in taking care of a dead man’s wishes, I ruined our marriage and hated myself while doing it.”
“Mason,” I whispered.
“You don’t know how many times I wanted to call and beg you to forgive me and explain everything.” He had tears in his eyes as he looked down at his hands. “I missed you so much.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? I didn’t want a job more than you. The only reason I took it was because I thought you didn’t care. I thought you regretted marrying me.”
“Oh god, Emmy, baby, no. I never regretted marrying you. I loved you, I still do, but if I had told you what John had asked, you would’ve stayed. I wanted you to get to live your dream and achieve everything you wanted in life."
"Mason, what about us? You were part of that dream.” I wanted to scream and cry. John had put Mason in this impossible situation. “I don't know what to say. I wish you would have trusted me."
He shook his head. "I trusted you with my life; I just couldn't disappoint you or let you give up your future for me. I hoped you would change your mind, or hate your job, or something. That's why I didn't file for the divorce."
I closed my eyes, trying to process everything that he was telling me. Even Stephen didn't have the whole story.
"That's everything?"
"Yeah, that's everything. Except for the fact that I'm so," he sucked in a sharp breath as his voice choked up. "So fucking sorry for ruining what we had Emmy. You will always be the love of my life."
He dropped his head into his hands and for the first time in our entire lives, I watched him cry. Mason was just as broken as I was. He hated the fact that we were so distant now as much as I did. When I left I hadn't just lost my husband, I’d lost my best friend. Even through our tumultuous relationship in college, we always leaned on each other and ended up together because that's where we were supposed to be. I leaned into his shoulder and rubbed his back. Tears fell down my cheeks and onto the material of his soft, worn t-shirt.
"I miss you," I whispered. "Not just a little. My whole world is spiraling out of control and you've always been the one to fix it for me. You're not there and I don't know what to do."
He finally sat up. I leaned into his hard chest and allowed him to wrap his arms around me. Everything felt right in that moment. I wanted to ignore my life in New York and pretend that the past two years hadn't happened. I didn't want to leave and act like I wasn't in love with him anymore, even though everyone already knew the truth. It was stamped across my face when any of my friends looked at me. My relationship with Adam was a cover up, so I could pretend that my life wasn't in shambles around me.
I was sick of being strong and independent. For once I wanted to let someone look after me.
"Can I just stay here with you for a little while?" I asked softly.
His arms tightened around me. "You can stay forever if you want."
***
We must have fallen asleep at some point because I woke up later with my arms wrapped around Mason. He held onto me tightly, like I could escape at any moment if he didn't hold onto me. I guess I had shown up out of the blue. His hands ran lightly up and down my back in a calming motion when he realized I was awake. It was something he had done for years when we laid in bed together, or cuddled on the couch like we were now.
“Do you still want me?” I whispered.
“What?” he asked. Clearly it was the last thing he expected me to ask.
“Do you still want me? Do you still want us?”
He stared at me, unable to respond. His mouth opened and closed several times as he tried to form an answer. The longer he looked the more I felt my heart breaking. Mason had moved on. I sat up quickly, crossing my arms in front of my chest to try to hold myself together. He didn't want to reopen the difficult relationship between us, not that I blamed him. I needed to leave before I broke down in front of him. I needed to save face and just go, forget everything about Mason Davis. He needed to be a bad memory.
“Clearly that’s my answer. Mason, I just want to know why. I supported your decision to go to law school; I even went with you because that’s what you wanted. I talked your parents out of freaking out on you for not going to medical school after you had spent three years as pre-med.” I paused, trying to keep it together as I continued because the hard things were coming up next. “Guess what Mason, you lost the entire package you had planned. House. Wife. Baby. All gone. I’m happy in New York. I’m successful in New York. You know what else? I have someone that wants the entire package with me in New York. Stupid me assumed you wanted the same things that I did. Obviously that was a mistake."
I tried to pull away, but he wouldn't let me.
"Em, this isn't," he cut himself off.
"Isn't what?" I demanded.
"We always get back together."
"You pushed me away, but I need to know."
"I love you, Em. I am always going to love you."
"That's not what I asked, Mason." I pushed away from him and this time he let me go. "You told me at Stephen and Taylor's wedding that you thought we could work it out. Did you change your mind?" I pleaded. God, just let him give me a straight answer.
"Em, in the ten years we've been together, we've made it through everything. We always make our way back to each other."
Tears fell down my face. "You still aren't answering my question, Mason."
What was going on in this man’s head? Did he think I was selfish for telling him no in California? Did he hate me for bringing Adam with me to Vegas? Maybe he didn’t realize I was just trying to protect myself. I wanted to rage at him, beg him to want me, something—anything—to get an answer. Reality hit me that I’d lost this battle before it ever began. He was right though, each time I left, I always came back. Of course he would think I was coming home when I originally left for New York, I’d conditioned him to think that. I softly pushed away from Mason.
He looked at me with tears shining in his gorgeous gray eyes.
“I loved you with everything I had, Mason. I’m sorry it wasn’t good enough.” He watched me stand up and move towards the door. His hand wrapped around my arm.
"You can't leave like this, not again. I won't let you.” A single tear ran down his face. “Yes, I still want you, but after everything I put you through I don't deserve to have you."
Is that what this is about? His hesitation to tell me how much he still wants this is about punishing himself?
"Why are you the one that gets to make that call? Didn’t you learn anything the first time you stupid fool?" My voice cracked at the end. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me in as tight as he could, and I fell into his chest sobbing. I shivered when his lips found my neck. He pressed soft kisses there as he tried to calm me down.
"Baby, I want you so much. I'm never going to stop wanting to be with you."
My fingers clutched at his shirt, pulling him closer. He rubbed my back gently. My sobs echoed throughout the room. The feeling of Mason’s lips against my skin should have been sobering, but it wasn’t. It was intoxicating. As I pulled back, my eyes met his.
“Mason,” I whispered, right before his lips met mine.
His kiss consumed me. I wanted to get lost in every second I had left with him.
Flawless: A Relentless Series Novel (The Relentless Series Book 4) Page 13