Choices, Loyalty, & Love

by Kyle Autumn

  “Oh yeah? How so?” There’s a hint of knowing in her voice, but she’ll let me tell the story.

  We haven’t so much as whispered their names over the past six years, and I’d be a fool to think my mom doesn’t know why I haven’t asked about them. Doesn’t mean I’ll bring it up though. I don’t need to put her in the middle of my shit with my brother.

  “Well, work has been crazy, and Matt’s wedding is next weekend.” My plate clatters in the sink as I set it in there. Then I turn the faucet on to let it soak.

  My mom’s silent for a few beats. Then she surprises me with, “Are you gonna get to the real story soon or what?”

  Only half of me is taken aback by her words. The other half is able to respond right away. “What do you mean?”

  “Cut the crap, Aidan,” my mom says in her no-nonsense way. “I know you saw your brother. He told me he was heading out your way for work and would contact you. So?” She pauses. “How’d that go?”

  After turning the faucet off, I head into the living room and sink into my couch. This whole area felt so much cozier with Nic here even though I didn’t realize it at the time. I was so caught up in my surprise that I wasn’t able to take in how complete this house felt with her in it. Now, it’s cold and lonely.

  But that’s not what I’m going to report back to my mother.

  “It was short,” I tell her instead. “We had dinner for all of five minutes before work called him back in.”

  “And?” she probes.

  I let my head fall against the back of the couch and close my eyes. “And now I can’t get ahold of him. I’ve called a bunch of times, but he hasn’t answered. So maybe I’ll catch him next time he’s in town.”

  She stays quiet on the other line, and I’m compelled to fill the silence.

  “I even went by his hotel room, but he didn’t answer that, either.”

  “It’d be hard to do that from here,” she answers, her tone holding a whole lot of duh in it.

  At that, my eyes fly open. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean,” she sasses, “I saw Veronica at yoga this afternoon.”

  The sound of her name coming from my mother’s voice nearly stops my heart. It stutters back to life a second later, racing to the drum beat of a heavy metal song.

  “They went back home already?” I sputter out. I thought they weren’t supposed to leave until tomorrow. “Together?”

  My mom clicks her tongue. “Why wouldn’t they come back together?”

  I don’t have it in me to tell my mom what I learned these last few days. If she doesn’t already know, it’s not my business to tell her. That’s Mason’s cross to bear, so I stay quiet as my mind races to figure out what this could mean.

  Did she choose to stay with him after all? Can she possibly still love a man who’s cheated on her and crossed that line in their relationship? Could she actually stay with him after that? And what about that kiss? This time, she kissed me. And it was not the time for it, so I didn’t even get to appreciate how good it felt to have her lips on mine. How soft her skin felt under my fingertips. How right it felt to have her in my arms. Even if it was for the briefest of seconds, it was just how things were supposed to be.

  If she weren’t with my brother, that is.

  But she went back home with him. She’s chosen her side. She picked the brother she wants to be with. So I have to go back to my promise to myself and never, ever see her again. I won’t be able to handle another heartbreak involving her.

  Three strikes and I might actually die.

  My heart quits racing. In fact, it nearly quits beating altogether. It sinks to my feet as I realize I thought we had a chance this time. I thought her kissing me was a sign she’d finally figured out she was wrong all those years ago. She’d chosen wrong and wanted to be with me.

  But no. She’s back home with Mason. Where she feels she belongs.

  “Okay,” my mom says, breaking the silence, “if you’re going to pretend like you don’t know anything, that’s fine. But I’m not.”

  I shake my head a little and register what she just said. “What does that mean?”

  She clears her throat, likely readying herself for a lecture. “You think I don’t know why you moved away, Aidan?”

  “Of course you know. Dad’s death—”

  “Yeah, yeah. That’s a lie and we both know it.” She clicks her tongue again. “You wouldn’t have left me and your brother behind when your father had just died if it hadn’t been for something more serious.”

  I want to deny it, but she’s right. There’s no way I would have abandoned them if I hadn’t been able to handle being there any longer.

  But then she takes a leap I need to deny. “You think I didn’t see the way you looked at Veronica before you left?”

  Words stick in my throat, so I swallow to relieve the dryness. “I don’t know—”

  “Of course I saw. Everyone did. Except maybe Mason, but that’s because he was too busy looking at her the same way. But for different reasons, I’d say.”

  Another swallow does nothing to loosen the words welded to my tongue.

  “And I didn’t miss the way she looked at you, either. So I don’t think it’s any coincidence that you left soon after Mason started dating her, Aidan. Not at all.”

  “Well, it sounds like it doesn’t matter,” I say after a few moments. “She went back with him. She made her choice.”

  “If that’s what you think,” my mom throws at me, “then you’re just as blind as Mason is.”

  “What does Mason have to do with it?” I ask, but I shake my head as I realize how stupid that sounds.

  She answers anyway. “Mason hasn’t seen that she’s had one foot out the door ever since you left.” After a pause, she continues. “Now, don’t get me wrong. She’s accepted her role in this as well as she could. She’s been the supportive girlfriend through all of Mason’s achievements and setbacks. She’s been there every step of the way, and she’s been there for me too. Knitting, teaching me yoga… I can see why you both fell in love with her.”

  My free hand forms a fist, and I flex my hand to release the energy. “Why are you telling me this now?”

  “I’m telling you because you should know she feels the same about you. She hasn’t said as much, but it’s plain as day. And I think Mason has known that since day one. But he did what he felt he had to do, just like you did.” There’s another pause. “Now, I’ve stayed quiet because this thing needs to be worked out between you guys. And I knew how painful it’d be if I ever even so much as mentioned her name to you. So I stayed out of it.”

  “Does this mean you know what Mason did?” I say through gritted teeth.

  “I do,” she confirms. “And it certainly doesn’t help his case.”

  I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with this information. What does it matter if Nic loves me too? She decided to go back home with my brother, so she made her choice: loyalty is greater than love.

  Unless…

  “I’ll book the first plane out of here,” I say as I stand up in a rush and head to my office upstairs. “I can be there in—”

  “You absolutely will not do such a thing,” she scolds. “Don’t you even think about showing up here.”

  With my hand on the railing and one foot on the stairs, I freeze. “Why not?”

  “You said it yourself, Aidan. She chose. Let her choose.”

  “But I can’t stand by and let her make a mistake anymore!” I roar, my knuckles turning white as I grip the railing.

  “That’s assuming she’s choosing him.”

  I run a hand through my hair, a frustrated breath leaving my chest. “She went back with him, Mom. What makes you think she hasn’t chosen him?”

  “All I’m saying is you can’t storm in here and take her away. You’ll always wonder if she settled for you the way she did for Mason, and that’s the last thing I want for you. You may have the girl after that,” my mom says, wisdom pouring fr
om every word, “but you won’t have any peace. Nothing she’ll ever say will ever reassure you that she chose with her own free will to be with you.”

  I release another frustrated breath, sinking to sit on the first step. “So then I just sit here and wait?”

  “You have to let her make a decision for her own life,” she insists, a softness in her tone now. “She hasn’t made many of those for herself. So have some faith. Just let her choose.”

  ***

  Nic

  Sometimes you know you’re making the right choice. And other times you have no freaking clue and have to call your big brother on a Friday morning to help you figure it out.

  The latter used to be me. And it’s not that I know I’m making the right choice this time. It’s that I have to choose for myself. No one else can choose this for me. I have to be the one to do it. Especially after the news I received earlier.

  In any case, Richie’s at the front door, waiting for me to answer it. I have to take a second to center myself, because this conversation is going to be difficult.

  “Everything okay?” my brother asks as soon as he’s inside.

  “Yeah.” I close the door and gesture with my head for him to follow me into the kitchen.

  “You sounded upset on the phone. You sure you’re all right?”

  As he takes a seat at the kitchen table, I take a moment to study his face. We have the same nose and the same smile. We got those from our mother. But he has my father’s eyes, which makes this conversation even more difficult than it should be.

  I nod a second too late.

  He peeks around the house as I make tea. “Mason’s at work?”

  “Mhm,” I hum while grabbing mugs from the cabinet. I peer closer at them than I have before, wondering if I’ll miss these when I leave. I don’t get a chance to really consider it before Richie speaks again.

  “Okay, then what do you need to talk to me about?”

  While staring at the water on the stove as if that’ll make it boil faster, I figure out how to put the right words together. Since I can’t seem to do that, I give him a cryptic message I know he’ll understand.

  “I went to the doctor this morning.” Once the water is boiling, I drop teabags into our mugs, pour some for my brother, and add just as much sugar as he likes. Then I hand it to him, keeping the cup in my grip a beat too long. “And my suspicions were correct.”

  That’s all I can get out before my eyes well with tears and my heart feels like a foreign object in my chest. My hand unconsciously cradles my belly.

  Before my brother can say anything, I turn my back to him and make my cup of tea. Even though it’s summer and already warm in the morning, this feels necessary. Comforting in a way nothing else can comfort me right now.

  “So that means you…” Richie cuts himself off before finishing that sentence.

  “Yeah.” I nod before dipping my head and bringing my tea to the table. “But it’s okay.”

  “It’s not what you wanted to hear though.” His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows hard. “Have you told Mason?”

  Reluctantly, I shake my head. “No, not yet. But I will.”

  “Good.” He nods as if that’s all he can think to do right now. “What about Dad?”

  I snap my head up, hitting Richie with a colder stare than he deserves. “What about Dad?”

  “Shouldn’t he know? This is big news.”

  It takes a few seconds, but I finally pull my gaze from his and blow into my tea before shaking my head. “Not now. One thing at a time, okay?”

  “Okay.” Then he reaches for my hand. “No wonder you sounded out of it when you called me. That’s big news.”

  “Yeah, well…” With one shoulder, I shrug.

  One of the phone calls I got while out of town led to this doctor’s appointment. I thought I’d find the news out over the phone, but when Dr. Pema wanted to meet with me in person, I figured I’d already gotten the answer. And I had in a way. It was confirmed today, and this only solidified the decision I’d made the second I saw Aidan when I was on his front porch.

  The other call was better news: a job offer to teach yoga at a local studio. But my decision means I needed to turn that down to focus on other things. I can only hope I will hear that kind of good news again in the near future. It may be hard, but it’s not like it was easy this time and it was worth it. So I can make it happen again.

  At least that’s what I’m telling myself right now.

  “I guess I just needed a hug from my big brother,” I tell him, staring at the tea in my mug. I dunk my teabag a few times before taking a sip. “It’s a lot to take in.”

  But, when Richie stands and opens his arms to me, the tears I thought I could hold back start to fall and I almost drop my tea as I set it on the table. Then I get up and let my brother wrap me up in his solid arms.

  We haven’t always had a good relationship. Our teen years were particularly tough. But, once he was out of the house and on his own, farther out of our father’s reach than I was—the new focus of my father’s perfectionism—things got a little better. When he wasn’t so focused on being perfect, we were able to build a better relationship, even though I was focused on that even more so. Without a second person for my father to keep an eye on, all of his attention went to me. And Richie felt bad about that, so he was much nicer to me once he went off to college.

  By the time we were both out of our father’s house, we had bonded even more. It took me a year longer than it had taken Richie, and that year was a tough one, with my father hounding me about getting a job or a man with a good job. But it made Richie see how differently our father treated me and how much worse I had it, being a woman with two options though unable to fulfill either one fast enough or well enough for Dad.

  Even so, Richie’s a daddy’s boy in the way a man in his thirties can be. No matter how hard that man pushed us, Richie still longs for Dad’s approval and praise. He would never understand my decision to keep Dad out of this. He’ll think I should tell him and let him help me. But I don’t need anyone’s help. Least of all his. Even if I fall on my face, at least it’ll be my mistake. That’s something I can live with.

  Because at least I’ll know I tried.

  At least a minute later, I give Richie one last tight squeeze. “Sorry you had to come all the way over here for that. I appreciate it though.”

  “Anything for my little Ronnie,” he teases.

  So I swat a hand at him. “You’re lucky I love you enough to let you call me that.”

  He laughs as he says, “I don’t know why you hate it so much.”

  “I’ve told you,” I insist as I walk him toward the door. “It’s so masculine. It doesn’t fit me at all.”

  “Yeah, you’ve said that.” Just before the door, he turns to me. “But I recall you allowing a certain someone to call you Nic for a long time, and that could be construed as just as masculine.”

  I try to laugh it off, act like I haven’t been caught red-handed, but my nerves are shot and I don’t have much left in the tank for that.

  “How was seeing him?” he asks softly, like he knows how fragile of a question that is. The words might break me if asked too loudly.

  I don’t even know how he would know about that though. And I start to shake my head and pinch my brows together, but he won’t let me get away with it.

  “Mason told me before you left. He said he scheduled that trip so he could see his brother.” Richie puts his hands in his jeans pockets. “When he told me he was taking you, I wondered how that’d be for you.”

  “Why would it be anything?” I ask, though I know it’s for nothing.

  The only person I ever voiced my feelings for Aidan to was my brother. I played it cool the entire time Aidan and I were friends, saying that it was okay if he didn’t see me that way because Dad would never approve. I’d still be happy to be his friend. Yet Richie saw right through me. I know he did. Which is why I know he’ll understand what I’m doi
ng now, even if he’ll feel compelled to tell my father about it.

  “Come on, Ronnie. Do we have to play this game? We both know—”

  “Right.” I hold a hand up between us to cut him off. Then I use it to point to the black suitcase over by the door. “That’s how it was seeing him.”

  He draws his eyebrows in for a second before the truth dawns on him. “Is that why you asked me to come here? To say goodbye?”

  My answering nod is slow and choppy. Then it quickens as I assure myself that this is the right step.

  “What about Mason?” Richie asks. “He’s okay with this?”

  “No,” I answer honestly, “but there’s so much you don’t know, and I don’t have the time to get into it today.” I take a step toward my brother. “Just know that this is for the best. Both Mason and I need a fresh start, and we need to do that without each other.”

  “But you need to go two thousand miles to do that?”

  I just stare at him. He already knows the answer to that.

  “And Aidan? You’re going to be with him now? How’s that going to work?” The crease in his brow deepens as he stares at my stomach.

  I try to ignore the stabbing in my gut. That part is too much to think about yet. “I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

  “You don’t think the news you got today might change things?”

  He’s not asking to be mean. He’s genuinely concerned. And I’m genuinely wondering the same thing. It’s my biggest fear. That this is an insurmountable mountain Aidan and I won’t be able to climb. Though another fear is that it’s not even an issue. Maybe he won’t even want to be with me when he gets to know me for who I am now.

  I can’t answer my brother because I have no idea, so I give him the best answer I can. “Honestly, that’s what I’m scared of the most.”

  Chapter 12

  Aidan

  With nothing better to do on a Saturday off work, I stare at my phone, my finger hovering over that text Nic sent three months ago.