Where I Belong

by Marcia Argueta Mickelson

  “Oh, Millie. You have to ruin everything!” Javi shoves his chair in and looks at Charlie.

  Charlie makes a face and shakes his head, mouthing the word no.

  Javi grins at Charlie before racing out of the kitchen.

  “Why do you have to ruin everything?” Charlie says playfully, looking at me.

  I wipe my mouth with a napkin and set it down next to my plate. “You can’t be too nice to him. He’ll take advantage.” It’s the kind of thing Mami would say. I haven’t been able to be a fun sister in a long time; I’ve had to be the substitute mom.

  “Hey, I would’ve said anything just so I could be alone with you for a few minutes,” says Charlie.

  I do my best at giving him a harsh look, but it doesn’t last more than a second before a smile sneaks out.

  “Can I ask you something?” he says, lowering his voice even though we’re alone in the kitchen now.

  I’m hoping he doesn’t want to revisit last night’s conversation because it’s already so hard for me to say no to him. I want to say yes. I want to kiss him. I want to date him. But my mind is made up. If Charlie and I are meant to be together, then we can wait a few weeks, or however long it’s going to take for us to find a new place to live.

  “Yes,” I say.

  “I noticed that Chloe and Jay and Selena and anyone really close to you calls you Mil. Can I also call you that?”

  The question surprised me; it’s a trivial thing to ask, but it seems to really mean a lot to him. “Yeah, I think I’d really like it if you called me that.” I look down at my bowl of cereal. It’s getting soggy, but I don’t feel like eating. All I want to do is watch Charlie across the table.

  Caroline’s voice comes from the other room. “Charlie, come help us. I can’t get this thing to turn on.”

  Charlie shakes his head and looks at me. “Guess I’d better go help them get the movie started.” He walks over to the sink and rinses his bowl and spoon. “Are you coming to watch?”

  “I think so, in a little bit.”

  “Okay.” After drying his hands on a dish towel, he turns to grin at me. “I’ll be waiting for you.”

  ≈

  Five minutes later I’m sitting on the back patio, talking to Chloe on the phone.

  “ . . . So then Jay decided he didn’t want to go to Tim Condie’s party after all,” she says, “so he just walked home. I think he was really bummed out, Mil. You like crushed him or something.”

  “Ugh, now I feel bad.”

  “Well, you shouldn’t. I’m only mentioning it because after Jay left, Ivan held my hand as we walked the rest of the way to Tim’s house. And then when we were out in Tim’s backyard, there weren’t that many places to sit, so Ivan pulled me down on his lap, and we sat like that for a long time.”

  “Chloe, oh my gosh. He definitely likes you.”

  “Yeah, he does. We talked for like two hours straight. Then when we walked back to our cars, he kissed me, for like a really long time. I mean, my lips are still numb. But it was really nice, and he was a real gentleman. And then he asked me if I wanted to hang out today. He’s picking me up for lunch and then we’re going to a movie or something.”

  “Aw, I’m so happy for you. And, not to change the subject, but I kissed someone last night too.”

  “What?” Chloe’s voice gets louder. “Did Jay come back after he left us?”

  “No, no. It wasn’t Jay.” I pause for a moment to give her a chance to guess, but she doesn’t. Silence hangs between us. “It was Charlie Wheeler.”

  “You kissed Charlie Wheeler?”

  “Well, technically he kissed me. I think.”

  “Wait, stop. Details. Start from the beginning and don’t leave out a thing.”

  I tell her everything, starting with my conversation with Mindy and concluding with Mami’s insistence that I steer clear of Charlie until we move out.

  “Man, your mom is harsh, Mil. I can’t believe that. What if you move in with me? Then you can date Charlie right away.”

  I think about the possibility for a moment. “No, she wouldn’t go for that. And I can’t ditch the rest of my family. Mami still needs my help with the kids.”

  “But you really like him?”

  “Yeah, I think I’ve always liked him. It’s just weird, you know, because my mom is their housekeeper. It just feels too much like a telenovela. But he’s a really good guy. He doesn’t act like he’s better than other people. He’s very down to earth.”

  “He is. And, Mil, you’re eighteen. You just graduated high school. Your mom can’t run your life like that.”

  “Chloe, don’t start, okay? You don’t understand. I respect her opinion, and I know that she’s doing it to protect me. Besides, it won’t be forever. I just have to be patient.” I get up from the patio chair and head back to the sliding glass door that leads into the kitchen.

  “I just want you to be happy, Mil.”

  “And so does she.”

  “Well, at least you got to kiss your boy before she caught you. I think it’s great. And I hope you guys find a place soon.”

  “Me too.” I reach out to grab the handle of the sliding glass door. “Well, I better go. And please don’t tell Ivan about any of this. I don’t want Jay or anyone else knowing right now. I don’t want anyone jumping to conclusions. You know, the whole reputation thing.”

  A horrible thought flashes through my mind: Michael Winter posting another video, telling the whole internet that the little illegal girl is dating the Senate candidate’s son.

  “No problem,” Chloe says. “My lips are sealed. And, hopefully, my lips will be busy doing things other than talking.”

  I laugh, forcing the trolls out of my mind. “Thanks, Chlo. Have fun with Ivan. Text me later to tell me how it went.”

  “Okay. I’d better go shower and get ready.”

  I hang up and go to the kitchen to clean up my bowl of mushy cereal before going to the family room. The curtains are drawn and the lights have been turned off. Caroline and Ceci are lying down on their stomachs on a big quilt right in front of the TV. Sele is curled up in an armchair, absorbed in her quilting. Charlie is sitting on the large couch with his feet up on the coffee table, scrolling through his phone.

  “How’s the movie?” I whisper as I sit down next to him. I make sure to not sit too close and he seems to notice.

  “It’s good,” he whispers back.

  “I can tell by the way you’re on your phone right now.”

  He laughs and slides the phone into the pocket of his cargo shorts. “Dawson texted me. He and Mindy had their first kiss last night.”

  “I guess it was a night for first kisses. Chloe told me she and Ivan had one too.”

  Charlie straightens up in his seat. “Did you tell Chloe about us?”

  “Yeah. She thinks you’re cool.”

  “Good. I’d like to have your best friend’s approval.”

  I smile, scooting in just a centimeter or so. “What about your best friend’s approval?” I ask, my voice still low.

  “Dawson? Oh, yeah. His approval was solidified about two years ago when I told him I liked you.”

  I lean in closer. “Two years ago?”

  “Yeah, but you were with Jay at the time, so I couldn’t do anything about it. And then when you broke up, I wasn’t sure you were over him. I didn’t want to be a rebound guy, so I just waited.”

  “I’m completely over Jay. Not even a tiny bit of feelings left for him.”

  His leg edges a little closer to mine. “Well, then it’s the perfect time for us.”

  “Or at least very close to the perfect time.” Thoughts of Mami’s directive are still fresh in my mind. But she didn’t forbid me from sitting next to Charlie on the couch, nor did she say exactly how far I was to sit from him. So I scoot a few inches closer, though I keep my hands clasped in my lap.

  His leg relaxes against mine. His hands are on his knees, and I know he wants to hold mine, but this is as far as my
conscience will allow. Our shoulders are touching. Our legs from thigh to knee are touching. And the butterflies in my stomach are in overdrive. We sit like that for the duration of the movie. Occasionally, I turn to look at Charlie, and he smiles at me.

  ≈

  As we settle into summer, I’m helping Mami watch the kids more often. This afternoon Caroline and Ceci have decided their new spot for reading is Caroline’s little house. Each time I’ve checked on them, they’ve been sitting at the little pink wooden table in tiny pink chairs reading Beverly Cleary books.

  Sele comes bursting through the glass door onto the patio where I’m sitting. “Millie! I was watching TV, flipping through the channels, and they just said that the government’s stopping the child separations. ICE is going to house families together in the detention centers and try to reunify the kids and the parents.” She drops down onto the patio seat next to me, eyes shining. She looks completely overwhelmed with relief.

  “That’s good news!” I say, reaching over to squeeze her hand. “I wonder why they changed it . . .”

  “Apparently it was all the media attention, all the people speaking out against the policy, all the lawsuits. It made the administration look really bad.”

  “So they’re going to be reuniting the kids with their parents?” I ask her.

  “That’s what they’re saying. A lot of parents still don’t know where their kids are, and ICE hasn’t even kept good track of where they’ve all been sent. So it’s not going to be easy. It’s a start though.” Sele jumps back to her feet. “I’m going to go tell Mami. She’s upstairs.”

  She dashes back inside, leaving me to stare across the lawn at the playhouse. I can’t help imagining Ceci being separated from Mami, Mami not knowing where she was. I picture Ceci and Caroline playing in the playhouse, oblivious to the pain that other children their ages might be suffering at this very moment. Circumstances not too different than ours could have put Ceci and the rest of us in that position, but not Caroline. Her life is so removed from those realities.

  I’m still thinking about this when Charlie comes through the sliding glass and takes a seat next to me on the patio. “Hey, Mil.”

  “Hi, Charlie,” I say, finding that I like it when he calls me that.

  “I promised Javi that if he finished all the chores your mom gave him, I would take him down to the skate park and teach him a trick.”

  I smile. “Well, I bet he’ll finish quickly then. That sounds like a great offer.” The skate park is part of Cole Park. We’ve been there dozens of times, but mostly, we’ve stayed at the playground, with Javi skating on the sidewalks and perimeter of the park. Javi has watched the skaters longingly, always too intimidated to join them.

  “Do you want to come too?” Charlie asks.

  “Sure,” I say. “I could use some exercise.” And a distraction from thinking about children being torn from their parents, disappearing without a trace.

  “I can loan you one of my boards so you can keep up with us.”

  One of his boards. It’s when he says this sort of thing so casually that I remember how different our lives are. He has multiples of everything he wants.

  He sees the hesitant look on his face and misinterprets it. “Or you can borrow my bike, if you’d rather.”

  “The bike sounds good,” I say.

  His proximity to me is unnerving. His arm is inches away from mine, causing the tiny dark hairs to rise as the energy between us increases. I’m afraid to look up at him, wondering if he’s feeling it too.

  His hand is between us on the bench, and I see his fingers moving slowly toward my hand. I keep my eyes on my lap, refusing to acknowledge his hand, its closeness, and the heat it’s sparking on my arm. I feel his fingers brushing against mine, and I quickly pull my hand away.

  “Charlie, don’t.”

  “I’m sorry, Mil. It’s so hard.”

  “I know. It’s hard for me too, but I promised my mom.”

  “I just want to hold your hand. Why is that so bad?”

  I move over to the end of the seat. “It’s not bad, Charlie. It’s just that my mom specifically asked me not to, and we just have to wait.”

  “I know.” He sighs. “I guess we can go check to see if Javi is ready to go.”

  In the kitchen, Mami is chopping vegetables for stew, and Javi is putting a new garbage bag into the newly emptied garbage can. I wish I had known it only took a promise of the skate park to get such productivity out of him.

  The sight gives me pause, though. Javi’s only doing his usual chores, but he’s doing them in someone else’s house. In a way, by helping Mami out the way we always do, we’ve been helping the Wheelers out. Five housekeepers for the price of one.

  I shove the thought away. The Wheelers would be mortified if they knew we felt obligated to do household tasks. But it’s an inevitable byproduct of us living here.

  “Mami, you need any help?” I ask.

  “No, mija, gracias. Sele already offered, she’ll be back in a minute.”

  “Millie, Charlie said he’d take me to the skate park when I’m done!” says Javi exultantly.

  “I know. He told me.”

  The mention of Charlie’s name stops Mami’s chopping.

  “I’m going to walk down with them,” I say to her. “Is that okay?”

  She resumes chopping and quietly says, “Está bien, mija.”

  I expect Mami to restate her expectations, but she doesn’t. She knows it need only be said once.

  “Before you go, though,” she says, nodding at an envelope on the table, “Mr. Zambrano sent a letter for you.”

  I sit down at the table and open the envelope just as Sele walks in. She hovers behind me, reading over my shoulder.

  Hello. My name is Susana Vaquero. I think Oscar Zambrano may have told you about me. He has told me all about you! I live in Victoria, Texas, and I was set to graduate from Victoria East High School this month. But a few weeks before graduation, my family had to move because we were in danger of being deported. There was a lot of media attention on my family and my high school. I’m sure you know about that. I saw your segment on Sebastian Smith’s show, and I heard about the fire. I’m so sorry that happened to your family. It is so hard to have my name out there with articles on the internet about me. I’ve read so many nasty comments about myself. It makes me want to go away and have no one ever say my name in public again. But I won’t let them win. Next Wednesday, we are having a rally at the fairgrounds in Victoria at 6 p.m. I’m going to be speaking in support of undocumented immigrants. They can come and get me if they want, but I’m not going to hide anymore. I’m going to speak out. I hope you will come. I’d love to finally get to meet you. Oscar said to text him if you can go.

  Susana

  I fold up Susana’s letter and put it back in the envelope. Susana’s predicament is really sad; I can’t imagine facing her circumstances—fearing the possibility of being deported. I want to help her, to be at the rally for her, but I really don’t see how my presence could do any good.

  “You’re going, right?” Sele asks eagerly.

  I put the envelope on the table without answering her. The last time I was at a rally, my identity ended up being exposed to the entire state of Texas. And now, thanks to Michael Winter—and my trip to Potrillo—people know my face. I could be recognized.

  Besides, protests can be dangerous. Police can get involved. People can get arrested just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, just for looking like I do.

  I want to help Susana, but I don’t want to expose myself further. I want to put the whole immigration debate and my involvement with it behind me. Besides, if the family separation policy at the border is ending, maybe other immigration policies will change for the better too. Maybe the worst is behind us.

  “Did Mr. Zambrano tell you what the letter says?” I ask Mami.

  She’s still chopping. “Si, he called me. Mr. Wheeler is going to be there. Charlie too. You would h
ave to drive down separately from them, but . . .”

  “I can’t go, Mami,” I say. Behind me, Sele draws in a sharp breath.

  I get up, push the chair in, and walk out of the kitchen before they can guilt-trip me.

  ≈

  I pedal Charlie’s mountain bike slowly down Ocean Drive toward Cole Park. Javi is already half a block away, balancing on one of Charlie’s spare skateboards. Charlie goes zooming past me with a wave, catching up to Javi.

  I take my time, feeling the strong breeze against my face, my hair waving wildly behind me. There isn’t a more beautiful bike ride in all of Corpus, except maybe the rides on the beach Chloe and I have taken on the Island. Looking at all these beautiful homes, with the expansive sea as a backdrop and the horizon spreading out behind, almost makes me think I could live in Charlie Wheeler’s house forever, were it not for the fact that I would never get to kiss him again.

  The skate park is full of people taking advantage of the nice weather—people who could easily be from our neighborhood. Charlie’s the one who sticks out here, though he doesn’t seem to mind at all. Several spectators are crowded around the edge of the concrete skating area. I’m content to remain outside the fence, where I sit down on a bench to watch.

  Charlie skates down a ramp and comes to a quick stop at the bottom. Javi stands at the top of the ramp, hesitant at first, and follows down to where Charlie is standing. I wince as I watch his too-quick descent. Most of the other skaters here are older teens and young men. Javi is probably the youngest, and I’m so glad that Charlie is here with him.

  They start out with some simple moves; Javi shows off what he can do and then starts copying Charlie. I notice that Charlie watches Javi carefully and offers him pointers but still gives him plenty of space to try things on his own. Not for the first time, I reflect that this is one silver lining of our current living arrangement. Instead of hanging out with our troublemaking neighbor all summer, Javi is spending time with a guy like Charlie—someone who’s responsible and kind, someone who’s actually a worthy role model for a younger boy.

  Eventually Javi follows Charlie to a metal bar that skaters have been sliding along. I can’t imagine that either Charlie or Javi can do what I’ve just seen a few other skaters do.