Dear Professor

by Blaire Drake

  If I’d thought I’d felt nervous earlier, I’d been wrong. Now, without my stockings and garter belt, plus clean panties, I couldn’t help but notice the fluttering of my stomach more acutely than before.

  I don’t know what I’d expected after the cam show, but it hadn’t been this. It hadn’t been sex so punishing that it’d been pleasurable or a super-late dinner. I guessed I’d expected to pack up and drive home without another word.

  I almost wished I’d done exactly that. Turned the offer of food down and driven home and crawled into my bed.

  “Will you get in trouble for the way the cam show ended?”

  I shook my head. “I’ll say I was in a hotel and the connection cut out. I’m not responsible for technological difficulties.”

  “Won’t you lose the money?”

  “No. Technological difficulties are under extenuating circumstances.” I paused then set my fork down. “But thanks for mentioning it. I need to text my boss.”

  I got up and grabbed my phone, hoping she hadn’t already beat me to it. My stomach dropped when I saw her message.

  Nisha: What happened???

  Me: At hotel and the connection cut. Couldn’t get back on. Sorry, was driving before.

  Nisha: K. No worries. Have a good two weeks off. Remember I’m here if you need me.

  Me: Thanks. Have fun with your in-laws.

  Nisha: Danny’s going to suffocate me in my sleep. Got it covered.

  I snorted and put my phone back down. Like her husband would do that. The man was disgustingly infatuated with her.

  “All sorted.”

  “Good.”

  An air of awkwardness hovered as I took my seat back at the small table. I wanted to tap my nails against the hard surface or click my tongue or something. Anything that cut through the silence had to be a winner. Hell, I’d even have sung.

  I was remembering exactly why I didn’t give my number to the guys I worked with. It was to avoid these scenarios. These uncomfortable hi-what-do-I-say-now moments.

  I sipped my wine and made sure not to look at him.

  Jesus Christ.

  I’d just fucked my professor.

  A lump formed in my throat, and my stomach tightened. I’d set out to do it, but fuck. Shit. And, now, I was having dinner with him! What was I doing? Why had I allowed myself to be in this situation? Fuckshitfuck!

  I grabbed my wine glass again, but this time, I didn’t sip. I swallowed the remaining wine in three mouthfuls. Jordan watched me with an amused curve of his lips, and I covered my eyes with my hand so I didn’t have to see him.

  Oh boy. I’d just reserved my spot in Hell. Right next to Satan. I’d be his right-hand whore, more than likely.

  Why not?

  “You seem conflicted, Darcy.”

  The calmness of his tone pissed me off. Like raised-hackles and pow-pow-angry pissed me off. It pounded through my veins, driven by adrenaline.

  “Conflicted? Me? What makes you say that?” I reached for my glass, but fuck! Empty.

  “Your shrill tone for one. Also the way your leg is tapping beneath the table and driving me fucking crazy. The wine was another clue.”

  I snapped my head up and glared. “Are you laughing at me?”

  He didn’t answer, but he didn’t have to. It was written all over the smug bastard’s handsome face.

  “Agh!” I shoved my chair away from the table and stood. My feet took me to the middle of the room, where I stopped, put a hand on my hip, then smacked my palm into my forehead.

  I needed to knock some sense into myself. And I needed to do it, like, ten days ago.

  Maybe this is why dreamers rarely chase their dreams—because it’s too easy for them to crumble.

  I could feel it balling inside me. The panic was becoming all too real as the reality of this situation washed over me. I’d been pushing it to the darkest corners of my mind even though I was living it, determined to escape it without accepting it.

  And, now, as I stood in the middle of Jordan’s front room with my heart pounding desperately against my chest, I had to accept it.

  I’d just fucked my professor. I would have to continue to fuck my professor. I would have to continue to feel the desire and need and other emotions I’d kept buried for so long.

  The clink of a fork being put down drew me out of my thoughts. A chair scraped against the floor, and I took a deep, steadying breath. I felt his presence more than I saw it. It was the tiny shift in the air as he became a sliver of calm amongst the chaos of my mind.

  “Talk.”

  One word. It had been said so gently that, if I hadn’t known for sure it was him, I would have questioned the identity of the speaker. He hadn’t demanded it… He’d requested. Asked me.

  “Do you ever…” I dropped my hand and looked up.

  He was standing in front of me, peering down at me with questions in his bright eyes. God, they are captivating.

  “Have you thought about this?” I flapped my hand between us. “This situation.”

  He didn’t answer me. He just stood there and stared at me unwaveringly.

  “Like, shit!” I stepped back from him and ran my fingers through my hair. “Have you actually considered the ramifications of this? What could happen if someone finds out? I’m a student. You’re my professor. You’re supposed to teach me, not fuck me!”

  “There are worse things in life than two consenting adults in a sexual relationship.”

  “But you are my professor!” My voice was getting louder, and I jabbed him in the chest with a finger. “My teacher.” Another jab. “You’re ten years older than I am!”

  “You think I don’t know that?” He grabbed my wrist, his growl echoing through the air. “You think I don’t know how fucking old you are? That I shouldn’t even look at you, never mind touch you? You think I don’t fucking know this is wrong, sweet thing? ’Cause I do. I know exactly how fucking wrong this is. I know I sure as shit shouldn’t be standing here right now, wanting to flip you over and fuck you again.”

  “Do it and so help me, Jordan, I will slap the shit out of you.”

  “Your defiance does nothing to deter my desire.”

  “No.” I yanked my hand back. “No. Does that ‘deter your desire’? Or will you still try it?”

  The air stilled as he did. His eyes flashed threateningly, but there was a horrified glimmer behind it.

  “Is that what you think of me?” he asked. “That I desire you so strongly that I’d ignore your refusal? That I’d rape you?”

  I felt sick to my stomach at my insinuation. I grasped my neck lightly with my hand and dropped my gaze to the floor. “No,” I said gently. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.”

  His chest shuddered as he took a deep breath and rubbed his hand over the top of his head. His gaze traveled around the room, and he exhaled in a long, shaky whoosh that seemed to scream with its heaviness.

  “Understand this: I will never hurt you.”

  “In a bad way, right?”

  “In a bad way.” His mouth twitched. “Never. I will always respect your wishes. You say no, I hear no.”

  “I know.”

  “And, to answer your questions, yes.” Jordan took two steps toward me and reached for my hand.

  Gently, he removed it from my neck and dropped it to my side. He dropped his gaze to my shoulder and ran his thumb across the enclave of my collarbone. Tiny explosions scattered my skin as he touched my pulse point.

  “I’ve thought about it more times than is healthy for a person,” he said, “but that doesn’t change a thing. Neither does my acknowledgement of the wrongness and, indeed, legality of this situation.”

  “You mean illegality.”

  “That too.” His gaze found mine. His fingertips brushed across my forehead as he pushed hair from my eyes. “I want you. I can’t change that. I don’t want to change it. I want to have you over and over as many times as you’ll let me. I want you to walk into my damn classroom four da
ys a week and know that I’m under your skin. I want you to smell like me so strongly that even a shower couldn’t scrub me from your body. I want every single little bit of you.”

  “You have it though, don’t you? There’s a lot of paperwork with my signature on that says so.” My jaw tightened.

  He took my chin in his hand and ghosted his thumb over my lower lip. His gaze dropped to my mouth, and he murmured, “Craving you isn’t something I have control over, Darcy. I’ve tried to control it, but I can’t fucking fight it. There isn’t a quiet minute of my day when I don’t imagine your body beneath mine, my breath on your skin, and your nails in my back.”

  Heat spread across my skin from where he was touching me. It was an automatic reaction. And his words—crap. They rang so true. They hadn’t been bitten out or forced. They had been said in a tone so low and husky that they could be nothing but completely right.

  That…terrified me. Like nothing else.

  Everyone wanted to be desired, but I doubted many people ever felt it as intensely as I did.

  “I think I should go,” I said quietly. “It’s getting late.”

  His eyes searched mine for a moment that had time standing still. “I agree. We’ll speak tomorrow?”

  I nodded and stepped back as his hand fell away. My things were all on the coffee table, so I grabbed them and darted past him.

  “Darcy?”

  I turned at the door. “Yeah?”

  “Please let me know when you get home safely.”

  Once again, I nodded, and then I dropped my head and hurried out of his house.

  I didn’t feel right until I’d driven off of his property.

  I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either that or I was the rock and the hard place.

  Last night was playing on my mind over and over. It’d been a long time since I’d felt so many things in one night. I was no robot, but after Griffin had died, it had been easier to shut myself off from the world and cruise through with a one-track mind.

  It’s why I loved what I did. There was no time for relationships. I couldn’t have love ripped away from me if it never existed.

  That was the first line I’d written on the new page of my journal. It seemed a fitting line to start this particular entry. Unfortunately, that was all I’d written, and judging by the chaos of my mind, it would be the only one I’d write today. Which in itself was also fitting.

  Over the last two years, I’d spent a lot of time imagining what my life would be like when I found the man who would tear the barriers down and open my eyes to the world once more. I didn’t want to give my heart to just anyone. It had to be the person the universe couldn’t and wouldn’t take away from me.

  But it wasn’t. It was my professor. He who made me feel such heightened anger, such intense lust, such crazy determination. He who, ultimately, was not mine. I was his, but he was not mine.

  It was inconceivable to think of such a thing. That itself was proof of the craziness. After all, a week ago, I hadn’t been able to stand him. I’d hated him so passionately that it’d been consuming. Now… Last night…

  Last night, there had been something else there. Something I didn’t understand but something I recognized. I wanted to know what it was, but that was dangerous.

  I was failing in my plan to blackmail my way out of the blackmail.

  I should have known not to fight fire with fire. It was like showing up to a machine gun battle with a water pistol.

  Maybe it would be easier to forget about it. Tell him to go ahead and tell everyone what I am. Abandon the revenge plot and let go of his…wife.

  I had sex with a married man.

  I was a horrible, horrible person. I needed a slap on the back of my head with a rock.

  Guilt settled low in my stomach as I dragged myself off my bed. My feet hit the ground with a heavy thwack, despite the fact that I was wearing fluffy socks. I thought the sound fit my mood perfectly.

  As well as the guilt, I felt humiliated. The worst part of it was that the only person I’d been humiliated by was myself. I’d made these choices. I’d carried them through. I’d allowed myself to be put into all of these situations, and now, the consequence was a heavy dose of self-loathing.

  I tugged my tank top down to cover my stomach and shut my bedroom door behind me. The house was as quiet as it always was on Saturday mornings. Everyone was up late on Friday nights, usually including me.

  Never mind that it was past ten a.m. and my own sleep had been plagued by dreams of me and Jordan being caught. People catching him kissing me on campus, his wife appearing out of nowhere in the bedroom. In one, a faceless shadow had burst out of the closet, and I’d woken up in a cold sweat.

  I grabbed the mail from the mat and checked through it. Nothing for me, so I put it on the side table instead for someone else to sort.

  Hey. I never said I was a good housemate.

  I filled the coffee maker with water and stuck a mug under it. As the machine whirred to life and sputtered my energy source into the bright-red cup, I leaned forward on the sink and looked out the window. Rain pounded against the glass, and the trees in the yard swayed with the wind.

  Huh. Even the weather matched my mood.

  I bet at least one of those raindrops was a terrible slut. Ah—yep, yep. There she was, sliding down the glass windowpane and mating with three before hitting the windowsill.

  Raindrop gangbang. Little water-based whore.

  I sighed heavily and pushed off the counter. My coffee was done, so I shut the machine off, added cream and sugar, then stirred. The rich scent relaxed me slightly. Enough that I felt like going to the front room instead of my bedroom.

  Bella was curled up in the corner of the sofa with her nose in a book. She glanced up with her soft, brown eyes when I walked in. “Hey. You’re up early.”

  “So are you.” I sat down at the opposite end of the sofa and hugged my coffee to my chest. “What are you reading?”

  She wrinkled her face up. “Some smutty book. It had great reviews online, but eh. I’m like over a hundred pages in and I kind of just want them to fuck now.”

  Bella, the great romantic.

  “Sounds fun.”

  “Are you all right?” She dog-eared the page and shut the book. “Jenna told me about…you know.”

  “Of course Jenna told you. She couldn’t keep a secret to save her life.”

  “Not with me. You didn’t do your show here last night, right?”

  I smacked my lips together and looked down. “No.”

  “Were you with the guy?”

  I didn’t answer her.

  “You were!” She gasped and swung her book at me.

  I knocked it out of her hand. “Keep your voice down!”

  “I want to know everything,” she demanded, putting the book on the coffee table and hugging her knees. Excitement glimmered in her dark eyes. “Come on, Darce.”

  “I don’t want to gossip, okay? It’s not gossiping stuff. Not for me. I just want to pretend it never happened.”

  “You had sex, didn’t you?” she whispered. “That’s why your cam cut out last night!”

  “No. That was a connection problem.”

  “Connection problem my ass! Nisha called to see if there was a problem with the lines here, but you were the only one out.”

  Fuck it. “Yes, okay? But she thinks it was, so let’s keep it that way.”

  “But isn’t the guy in a relationship?”

  “Can we stop now?” I grabbed my coffee and sipped it. “I’m done talking about this.”

  “Darce! Ignoring this situation won’t make it go away.” She hit me lightly on the foot. “If you’re having sex with a guy who isn’t single, it’s only going to blow up in your face. You need to get out. Now.”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “Of course it is! Tell him you refuse to continue seeing him unless he’s single.”

  “Bella, trust me. It isn’t that simple. I’m not e
xactly doing this as a hobby to fill up my free time.”

  One of her dark, perfectly shaped eyebrows arched. “Then why are you doing it?”

  “Because I don’t have a choice. Can you trust me and leave it at that? Please?”

  “Fine,” she replied after a moment’s pause. She tucked her brown hair behind her ear and gave me a gentle look that had a hint of pity in it. “I’ll trust you, but can I give you a bit of advice?”

  “Of course.”

  “I’ve been here.” She stretched her legs out and patted my knee. “He promised me for a while that he’d break up with his girlfriend, but he was lying. I found out in the paper that he was engaged. Worst thing? He was my best friend too. I didn’t only lose someone I was in love in, but I lost my closest friend.”

  “I’m sorry.” I squeezed her fingers. “That sucks.”

  “It did. Still does a little. Which is why I’m not being flaky when I tell you that you can’t go on like this. At the very least, you need to confront him. Ask him what his intentions with his relationship are. Even if he only finds out that you know, that’s something.”

  I took a deep breath and wrapped my fingers around my mug. The steam curled into the air in front of my eyes as Bella’s words sank in. She was right. If nothing else, I had to confront Jordan about his relationship status. Even if he and his wife were estranged, I had a right to know so that I could shake this guilt off.

  “Okay,” I said quietly. “I will. I promise.”

  Dear Professor, get ready, because your skeletons need some sunlight. Xoxo, Darcy.

  Twenty-four hours passed in silence.

  I was thankful for the time he’d given me. There had been no e-mail. I’d expected one or two at the very least, but no. Radio silence.

  I couldn’t get rid of the thought that maybe he was with his wife. Were they together right now, having a nice lunch out someplace? Were they at the movies? Maybe they were doing some early holiday shopping or visiting with friends or family.

  God. I needed to snap out of this. I didn’t even like Jordan. Not like that. Was I attracted to him? Ridiculously so. Could I stop thinking about him? No. But not in a lovesick way. In a…will-he-do-it-again-right-now-please? way. In a what-about-his-wife? way.