“Well, yeah, I guess so. It’s really not… I dunno, Tat. When you’re a teenager, everything’s intense, and that’s great. But when you get older—sometimes it’s nice to just relax a bit, without the huge roller coaster. Does that make sense?”
“So Ryan’s not a roller coaster, he’s just….”
Dan runs a hand over Smokey’s body to check for dampness, but he hadn’t really done much work, and he’s bone dry. “I don’t know, Tat. Honestly.”
Tat doesn’t seem to want to let this go. “But is there any other guy that you might be interested in? Maybe?”
Dan’s mind catches on the word “guy.” That doesn’t sound like she’s holding onto her own crush. But then what is she talking about? “Uh, not really, I guess?” He doesn’t think he’ll give her the rundown of his lustful thoughts about Jeff, or the flashes of attraction to her own brother. He doesn’t want to scar the poor kid for life.
Robyn breezes in then, thankfully. “We’re supposed to meet them in town at eleven thirty. That gives you forty minutes to shower, shave, dress, and drive us in. Are you up for the challenge?”
“I think I can handle it. Tat, are you okay putting Sunshine out in the paddock?”
“I think I can handle it,” she mimics.
“Okay. And then you’re down here all day tomorrow? Sunshine should do flatwork tomorrow, but we can find lots of horses for you to ride down here, and then we’ll take Sunshine back up on Tuesday. Sound okay?”
“Yeah, sounds good.” She smiles at him, but he’s still not getting the full enthusiasm out of her, and he doesn’t like it. But with Robyn staring at him, he doesn’t have time to worry about it, so he takes Smokey out to the paddock on his way back to the house.
He showers, then pulls on jeans and the Henley that he’d rejected the day before. He doesn’t really worry about looking too good today. He’s back at the barn at eleven fifteen, and follows the sound of voices inside. He realizes his mistake when he sees no sign of Robyn, only Tatiana looking sullenly at a helpless Jeff and a frustrated Evan. “It’s really, really not something for you to be getting involved in, Tat,” Evan is saying, and Dan backs out carefully. He turns and almost runs into Robyn.
“I wasn’t eavesdropping!” she hisses before he can even speak. “I was just trying to intercept you before you blundered into it.”
“Good work with that. What happened to their damn brunch?” He shakes his head. “Are you ready to go?”
“I think so… but now I feel bad leaving when Tat’s upset. What if she needs someone to talk to?”
Dan shrugs. “She survived up until last week without your advice. I expect she can make it a little longer. But, hey, if you don’t want to go—”
“No, I want to! I just—” Robyn breaks off as the door of the barn opens and Jeff, Evan, and Tatiana come out. Evan’s got his arm around Tatiana’s shoulder, and her other arm is looped through Jeff’s.
Dan takes a look at them as they walk over, and then smirks at Robyn. “Amazing—they solved it without you!”
She doesn’t have time to respond before the others are within hearing distance. They’re looking a little strained, but they aren’t fighting, at least.
“So you’re heading down to Santa Cruz?” Jeff offers.
“Uh, yeah, looks like.” Dan turns to Evan. “I’m gonna start keeping track of my hours. I can just keep a list in the tack room or something. I mean, you shouldn’t just have to hope that I’m putting in the time.”
Evan just shakes his head. “You don’t have to do that, man. I trust you, remember? It’s one of the reasons I was so hot to hire you.”
Dan shrugs. “Well, I’ll do it anyway. Make myself feel better, even if no one else ever looks at it.”
“Whatever works for you.” Evan smiles awkwardly. “Look, do you guys know when you’re getting back tonight?”
Dan looks at Robyn. He really has no idea about their plans, so she takes over. “They were talking about getting dinner some place down there, so, I don’t know… it might be late-ish.”
“Yeah, okay. Okay. Well, hey, have fun, all right?” Evan seems a little uncertain.
“Sure, yeah.” Dan looks over at Robyn, who’s standing by the truck but not getting in, obviously as hesitant as Dan. “Look, it’s no big deal, today. If there’s something you need done….”
Jeff steps forward. “No, Dan, it’s fine.” He looks over at Evan. “There’s no rush here. We can wait.” Evan almost says something, but then he nods, and Dan and Robyn warily climb into the truck.
They pull out and head down the driveway, then out onto the main road. They’re halfway to town before Robyn finally says, “On the plus side… Evan looks really hot when he’s all brooding.” Dan gives her an incredulous look, and she laughs. “What? I hear he dabbles in women… and even if he’s out of my league, he’s still nice to look at.” She leans over on the seat and pushes Dan’s shoulder a little. “Don’t even tell me you haven’t noticed that he’s hot. Good face, rockin’ body, and the money doesn’t hurt. And Jeff’s beautiful, too, with those eyes and that voice… yummy! I seriously don’t know, Dan… if you got your choice, which one would you pick?” There’s a bit of a strange edge to Robyn’s voice, as if her questions are somehow more significant than she’s letting on, but Dan doesn’t want to play.
“Honestly, we’re on our way to reunite you with the drummer of your dreams, and this is the best thing you can find to think about? Why don’t you concentrate on Scott? Or Santa Cruz?”
“Yeah, okay, Danny, if you’re afraid to answer.”
They drive on in silence, and Dan thinks about Justin, wonders what he would say about Dan going off with some new guy like this. Justin could be jealous, even a little possessive, but Dan had never really minded because he’d liked the feeling that someone valued him enough to want to keep him. But he wonders what Justin would think about Ryan. He remembers Chris’s words: Justin is dead. He doesn’t have a perspective. But Dan isn’t sure that’s true, because Justin is still a part of him, so doesn’t that mean Justin’s perspective is the same as his? So when he’s wondering what Justin would think, is he really wondering what he thinks himself? Dan doesn’t like these sorts of thoughts. They always make him feel like the high school dropout he is. He wishes sometimes someone would explain it to him, because he really doesn’t feel equipped to figure it out alone.
He sighs a little when he pulls into Ryan’s street, and then he looks ahead and sees a few people already standing outside the apartment stairs, sees Ryan raise his hand to wave a greeting.
“Ready or not, here it comes,” Robyn says, and Dan thinks that’s true. It’s coming, and he’s really not sure he’s ready.
Chapter 24
THERE ARE six of them going on the trip, and there’s really only room for four in Scott’s car, so Dan says he’ll drive, and Ryan offers to ride with him to help navigate. The truck has a good-sized back seat, so there’s lots of room for Robyn and Ryan both, but Dan isn’t surprised when Robyn decides she’d be more comfortable riding in the car. Dan reminds himself that he’d spent a good part of the previous day with Ryan and had enjoyed it, but his hands are still a little sweaty when he climbs back behind the wheel. Ryan seems relaxed, though, and makes easy conversation as they drive, and Dan calms down pretty quickly.
It’s a beautiful day and the drive takes them through some scenic countryside, so a lot of the time they’re both just looking outside and appreciating the view. They tend to talk more when they drive through the fingers of urban sprawl that stretch out from the city. Ryan tells Dan about his musical ambitions, and Dan explains the basics of eventing and how he earns his living. There are no huge revelations, but by the time they pull in beside Scott’s car in the Santa Cruz parking lot, Dan at least feels a bit more confident in his assessment that Ryan is a good guy.
The Californians have been to the seaside town before, and they already have somewhere in mind for lunch. Dan and Robyn are happy to go a
long. After the meal, they all walk down along the boardwalk, but it’s really too crowded for a group of six, so they divide up with plans to meet for dinner, and again Dan finds himself with Ryan. It’s neither unexpected nor unwelcome. He thinks briefly of the electricity he’d felt from Jeff that night in Kentucky, but then remembers how quickly that seemed to have faded into nothingness. He might not feel a fiery passion for Ryan, but he is developing a gentle affection, and maybe that’s better in the long run. It’s certainly less confusing.
They spend a couple of hours on the boardwalk, poking around in the touristy shops. There are rides, but Dan isn’t a big fan. He’s not afraid of speed, but he’d rather be at the controls than sitting passively. And Ryan doesn’t seem to care too much one way or another, so they don’t bother. They run into Robyn and Scott a couple times, and see Nikki and Molly in the line for salt water taffy, but otherwise they’re on their own.
They make it to the far end of the boardwalk and find a little niche where they can take a break, leaning with their arms braced on the railing, looking out at the ocean. Dan takes a deep breath of the salty air, and lets his shoulders relax. He looks over and sees Ryan grinning at him.
“Not a huge fan of the crowds?”
Dan laughs a bit sheepishly. He must come across as totally neurotic. “Nah, I’m fine. Just… no point in going to the beach and not breathing sea air, right?”
“Makes sense. Hey, there’s a harbor, for boats. Wanna go have a look at them?”
Dan has no idea why anyone would want to look at boats, but he doesn’t object. Maybe he’ll be surprised by how interesting they are, and at least it sounds like it should be less crowded than the boardwalk. “Sure, all right.”
They walk over toward the harbor, but when they get to the mouth of the inlet they see a restaurant with patio, and they grin simultaneously. “Or we could get a drink,” Dan suggests as Ryan nods happily.
They find their way onto the patio and discover that they have a good view of the yachts coming in and out of the harbor, so—as Ryan says as he happily sips the gluten-free beer that he found on the menu—it’s the best of both worlds.
Most of the boats are pretty small, essentially just motor boats, but there are a few that look big enough to live on. “What do you say? Would you ever want to leave it all behind, sail around the world?” Ryan asks.
“I dunno… there might be room for the horses, but there wouldn’t be much space to ride them.”
“So, the horses—they’re really that important, are they? I mean… they’re more than just a job?”
Dan considers it. He knows that they are, but he doesn’t know how to explain it. Part of it is wrapped up in Justin, but Dan loved horses long before he moved to Kentucky, so there’s more to it than just that. Ryan isn’t pushing, and Dan knows he could just laugh him off, but he’s interested himself, now. And he feels like Ryan might appreciate a bit of actual openness from him. “Yeah. They’re a lot more than a job.”
He shrugs. “I started riding when I was a kid… a teenager, I guess. My mom was sick and there was no one to take care of us, and I got put in foster care. And, I dunno, I was angry, and a bit of an asshole, and I got kicked out of a couple places. The social worker told me I was one step away from a group home, and she put me with this family on a farm. They were super-religious, and I thought I was gonna hate them, but… they had horses.” Dan cuts his eyes over to Ryan. He could stop now, doesn’t want to be boring, but Ryan smiles encouragingly.
“So I guess it just sort of clicked. The horses didn’t care if I was scruffy, or if I did bad at school, or…. They didn’t care if I was gay.” Dan grins a little self-consciously. “Although I really didn’t advertise that to the family—they wouldn’t have been impressed.” Dan’s looking out at the harbor now, but he’s seeing the dry farm in Texas more than the ocean in California. “And then when I got better, figured out how to ride, how to work with them… it was nice to be good at something. Nice to be able to do something that people wanted. And horses are… I don’t know. I understand horses. People….” Dan thinks back to his conversation with Jeff that morning. “People confuse the hell out of me.” He smiles shyly, surprised at how much he’s just said. “I dunno. I guess that was a pretty long way of saying I don’t really want to live on a boat.”
Ryan laughs gently. “Okay, no boat. Check.”
“What about you? You like the idea of being that rootless?”
Ryan shrugs. “Kinda, yeah. I mean, seeing new things and new people every day, not getting stuck in the same old job… it sounds pretty good to me.”
Dan nods. He’s not surprised to hear that about Ryan. He seems like a traveler. “So how come you’re not doing it? I mean, not on a boat, maybe, but how come you’re stuck in a little town?”
“Stuck?” Ryan feigns disbelief. “Oh, I’m not stuck, I’m planning!” He grins. “I met the guys from the band, they’re almost all from the area, and we decided to stick around there until we got our shit together, got a good sound and were ready to tour. We’ve been trying to get some sort of a recording deal, too—get some help with expenses on the road. And it’s almost coming together, really—it won’t be long now!” Ryan’s as excited as Dan’s seen him, and Dan can’t help smiling. It’s nice to see someone with dreams. Then he realizes that it reminds him of Justin, of how sure he was that they were going to the top, that Willow was only the first in a long string of exceptional horses that they’d develop together. He realizes that the smile must have faded from his face when Ryan leans toward him in concern.
“Shit, man, I’m sorry. I mean… were you thinking that….” Ryan stumbles, and Dan can’t help him because he has no idea what the man is talking about. “I mean, I’m really enjoying spending time with you, and obviously you’re smokin’ hot….” Dan stares at him. These are nice things to hear, he supposes, but why is Ryan….
“Oh! Oh, no, man, sorry! I’m not looking for anything serious either! Like, probably not anything at all, I don’t know….” Now it’s Ryan’s turn to get a strange expression on his face. “No, not because I don’t like you, just because….” Dan is almost panicking. Things have gone really wrong really quickly. He takes a deep breath and starts again.
“I was seeing someone, back in Kentucky. Pretty long-term.” He really doesn’t want to get into details, so he leaves it there. “So I’m just sort of… unsure about dating in general. Or, not dating, even, just… everything. I’m sort of unsure of everything.” Ryan is looking much calmer, and not offended, as far as Dan can tell. That’s an improvement. “So you being excited about traveling—seriously, man, it’s not a problem.”
Ryan nods, and then laughs a little. “Yeah, okay, that makes sense.” He looks a little sheepish. “Sorry.”
Dan just shakes his head. “No, it’s good to get it out in the open. I mean… ‘casual if anything’… it’s good to get that clear.”
“Okay, well, as long as we’re getting things clear….” Ryan leans in a little bit, bringing his face close to Dan’s. “Casual’s great, but I’m really hoping that there’s something.”
Dan glances around nervously, but no one seems to be paying any attention to them, and he brings his hand up and finds Ryan’s, rests them both on Ryan’s knee. “Okay,” he breathes, and then he leans the little bit closer and brings his lips up to Ryan’s. It’s barely more than a peck, just a brush of lips, a little puckering motion, and then pulling away, but Dan’s heart is racing, his face is burning, and he yanks his hand back from Ryan’s as if he’s been burned. He knows he’s overreacting, knows he must seem like a freak, but… he hasn’t kissed anyone but Justin in a long time. This is a lot more than just physical, and he’s not sure if he’s ready to go ahead with it.
Ryan seems to be taking it all right, though. He looks curiously at Dan and says, “You all right?”
“Yeah, sorry. Just… like I said, I was with one guy for a long time.”
Ryan shakes his head a little. �
�He really did a number on you, huh?” He brings his hand up to where Dan is gripping the arm of his chair and gently works his fingers loose. He brushes his own fingers along Dan’s lightly before bringing his hand back to his own side.
Dan tries to relax. Their server comes over and takes orders for refills, and Dan welcomes the distraction. By the time that’s dealt with he’s back to normal, more or less, and he’s able to go back to having a casual conversation. They end up phoning the others and suggesting that they meet at the restaurant for dinner, so the only moving the two do for the next several hours is over to a larger table.
They’re walking back to the cars after dinner when Nikki’s phone rings. She answers it and has a short conversation, and then turns to Dan. “Donny says he can fix your fan belt tomorrow if you drop the car off tonight. I can run you out to your place after if you want….”
Ryan jumps in. “Or if you don’t mind me driving your truck, I could ride out with you, drop you off, and take the truck back into town with me.”
“Oh, uh… I appreciate the offers, and I do need to get it fixed, but I really don’t want to be a nuisance.”
Nikki talks into the phone. “Yeah, okay, book him for tomorrow.” She hangs up and smiles at him. “It’s not like you live that far out.”
They sort it out that Ryan will do the errand-running, so Robyn climbs into the truck with Ryan and Dan so they can go straight to the farm without going through town. Ryan insists that she take the front seat, but when he leans over from the back to talk to them, he rests his hands on their seats, and his fingers brush Dan’s shoulders a little too often to be accidental. Dan feels a bit like he’s back in high school. It’s sort of fun.
When they get to the farm Dan drives Robyn down and drops her at the barn, and Ryan whistles between his teeth. “Man, this barn is about ten times nicer than my apartment.”
“You should see Dan’s house!” Robyn chirps, and then looks a little awkward, as if she’s making a decision on Dan’s behalf.
Dreamspinner Press Year Four Greatest Hits Page 51