Ryan just ignores the comment, though, and gives Robyn a good-night hug before climbing into the front seat. Dan pulls away and drives the short distance to the guest house, and then leaves the engine running as he climbs out. Robyn’s suggestion or not, he’s not inviting Ryan in.
Ryan doesn’t seem surprised or disappointed. He just gets out of his own side and walks around the truck, but when he gets to the driver’s side, instead of going around Dan he stands in front of him, so they’re standing facing each other, lined up against the side of the truck.
Ryan smiles gently at him. “Thanks for coming out today. It was a good time.”
“Yeah, it was. Thanks for inviting us.” Dan looks at Ryan and tries to decide what to do. Tries to decide what he wants.
Ryan moves forward slowly, carefully, and brings his right hand up to nestle in Dan’s hair at the base of his skull. Dan lets it happen, and he lets Ryan bring Dan’s head forward, bring their mouths together. The kiss is still gentle, still not much more than a brush of lips, but it lasts a little longer this time, Ryan tilting his head and applying a gentle pressure, and Dan kisses back. Ryan moves in a little closer, then, and Dan pulls away. Ryan lets him go without protest, but Dan still feels like he has to explain.
He looks down at his shoes for a second, and then turns and leans his back against the side of the truck, looking out into the night. “The guy from Kentucky. The one I was with for a long time?”
Ryan nods and smiles ruefully. “Yeah. The guy you’re getting over.”
“We didn’t break up.” Dan takes a quick breath. “He died. He got in a riding accident, and he died.” He looks down at his shoes again. “Justin.”
Ryan freezes for a second, and then nods. “Okay. Yeah. Shit, Dan, I’m really sorry.”
“No! No, man, don’t be sorry. It was nice to have someone to just hang out with, without thinking that you were feeling sorry for me, or afraid that I was gonna break or something.” He sneaks a peek at Ryan. He isn’t running away, at least. “I just… I thought you should know, because… I don’t know, I’m kind of freaking out about all this.” He looks at Ryan again, and doesn’t see anything but warm concern on his face. “I feel like I’m cheating on him. You know?”
Ryan doesn’t say anything for a minute. “Well, I don’t know, but, yeah, I can see how it’d be weird.” He turns and leans his back against the truck, too, so they’re both looking out into the darkness. They stand quietly for a minute before Ryan starts talking again. “Okay, here’s the thing… I like you. Totally apart from sex.” He looks over at Dan. “When I first met you, I wasn’t sure you were gay, and I still thought you’d be a good guy to hang out with. I mean… I hoped you were gay… a lot. I hoped a lot.” His smile is self-deprecating. “But, you know, even if nothing happens, you’re still a good guy, we can still hang out. Right?”
Dan isn’t sure if he can believe this. “Wait. So, you’re okay with this? I mean….” He laughs a little. “Do I have to choose? I mean, I’d totally understand that, if you didn’t want me being a cocktease….”
Ryan laughs. “Let me put it this way… if I ask you to choose, you’d say just friends, right?”
Dan shrugs uncomfortably, then nods. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Well all right, then. You don’t have to choose. At least this way I have a chance at some action.”
“Seriously?”
Ryan pushes himself off the truck and stands in front of Dan, legs slightly spread, arms out to the sides. He’s laughing. “Here is my body. You can use it, or ignore it as the whim takes you.”
Dan laughs and looks away, then looks back. He grins a little. “You know, you’re really a very good waiter.” Ryan laughs. “No, I mean it, this is some exceptional service. I feel bad for only giving you a twenty percent tip.”
Ryan puts his arms down and moves around Dan, heading for the driver’s door. “Well, now I just feel cheap—” he begins, and then Dan is wrapping his fist in Ryan’s shirt and pulling him in for another kiss. It’s a bit rougher this time, a bit more needy, but it still doesn’t last long, and it’s still Dan who pulls away first. Ryan just grins at him and gives his lips a quick lick and then gets in the truck and shuts the door. “I’ll call you tomorrow about getting the truck back to you,” he says and backs it up.
As the truck turns, its headlights catch three dogs trotting down the lane toward Dan, and farther behind them, Jeff and Evan standing by the side of the road. They look as though they’d been coming down the driveway and stopped. Ryan drives out carefully, making sure to avoid people and pets, and Dan raises a hand in greeting to Jeff and Evan. He’s a bit embarrassed, and wonders how much they saw. Wonders if they’ll judge him, thinking he’s forgetting Justin or moving on too soon.
He crouches to ruffle the necks of the dogs, and lifts his chin up to avoid the worst of their licking. Jeff and Evan seem to be talking about something, and Dan isn’t sure whether they’re planning on coming the rest of the way down or not. He stands up just as they start walking toward him.
Evan looks frustrated, almost angry, but Jeff is the picture of calm. Luckily, he’s the one who speaks. “Hey, Dan. It’s pretty late. You heading to bed?”
“Uh, yeah, I was going to. But if you guys need something….”
“Nah, don’t worry about it,” Jeff replies. “We can always—”
Evan breaks in. “Actually, if you don’t mind giving us a few minutes… that’d be great.”
Jeff and Dan both look at him, and he raises his chin a little defiantly. Jeff is frowning a little, and Dan groans to himself. What are these two going to try to drag him into now?
Chapter 25
DAN LEADS Jeff and Evan up onto the porch, and then turns to look at them. “Is this… do you want to go inside, or stay out here?”
Evan looks a little less sure of himself than he had just been. “Uh, out here is fine, I guess.” He looks to Jeff as if for confirmation, but Jeff just raises an eyebrow at him. Jeff hadn’t wanted to do this now, so apparently he’s letting Evan take care of it his way. Dan isn’t sure he likes that idea.
“Okay. Uh, do you want beers or something?”
Evan seems almost pathetically grateful for the delay. “Yeah! Yeah, a beer would be great!” Jeff smirks, and then nods solemnly at Dan. Beers all around, apparently.
Dan gestures to the big wooden chairs on the porch. “Okay, well, make yourselves at home.” He smiles awkwardly at Evan. “Which shouldn’t be too hard since it is your home.”
Evan shakes his head. “Nah, Dan, it’s your home. I’m just the landlord.”
“Okay, well… I’m just gonna go get the beers….” He ducks inside and can hear hushed voices start almost immediately outside. He doesn’t know whether to hurry up so he can get whatever it is over with, or to slow down and give the other two a chance to get a bit more organized. He decides to do neither, and just goes to the fridge at his normal pace. When he returns to the porch, Jeff is sitting and watching the night, while Evan is pacing around like a caged animal. The dogs have settled themselves on the ground at the bottom of the stairs. Dan hands the beers around and sits at one end of the porch bench. And waits.
Evan takes a swig of his drink as if for courage, and then turns to Dan. “Okay, here’s the thing.” He stops himself and then pulls up a chair and sits in front of Dan. “Okay, so… you know Jeff and I have a bit of a… non-traditional… relationship, right?” Dan nods cautiously, and Evan continues. “So, it works because other people are just fun, just sex. You know? We’re both happy to fuck around a little, and neither of us cares if the other is doing it, too, but we make sure that we come home to each other.”
Dan nods again. He knows all this. He begins to get a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach, combined with a tickling in his brain as if he almost understands what’s going on. It’s aggravating.
Evan is playing with his beer bottle. The label is peeled almost all the way off already, and now he’s rolling the bo
ttle back and forth between his hands. He looks at Jeff for help, but again Jeff just nods at him. “Okay, so the thing is… when we came back from Kentucky… after I’d seen Jeff with you… I got a bit worried. A bit jealous, I guess. I mean, I’d come on to you myself, I couldn’t blame him for wanting you. I’m not that much of a hypocrite. But—” He breaks off again and sends a pleading look to Jeff, who finally takes pity on him.
“But he thought maybe I was getting a bit involved emotionally, thought it wasn’t just physical.” Jeff’s voice is calmer than Evan sounded, calmer than Dan feels. “And I had to admit that he was right. And we wanted to protect what we had, weren’t sure how to deal with that sort of situation, so… that’s why we avoided you for the first week or so.” He looks over at Dan. “I’m really sorry if that made things awkward or confusing for you.”
They both look at Dan for his reaction, and he’s happy to give it. “Okay. No big deal. I mean, obviously you guys have to look after each other. That’s cool. Like I said, it’s none of my business—no hard feelings.”
Jeff frowns a little. “How is it none of your business?”
Dan’s stymied. “Well, I mean… everybody’s eye wanders sometimes, right? It doesn’t mean anything. But you guys—what you have means something. But it’s your thing, not mine. So… none of my business.” It seems pretty clear to him. He wonders if he’s still missing something.
Evan shakes his head. “Yeah, okay, maybe that would have been true if we’d left it there. If avoiding you had worked.”
Oh. Dan guesses that’s what he was missing.
Evan continues. “But we still saw you, and every time we did, I could tell that Jeff was still… interested. And that would have been bad enough, but—” Evan breaks off and stands up, walking over to the top of the porch stairs.
Jeff continues for him. “But Evan started to see my point. He started to get interested himself, in more than a strictly physical way.” Dan can’t quite believe this. He’s trying not to react, trying to sit still and see what happens, waiting for the punch line.
Evan crouches down next to him now, tries to catch Dan’s eyes. “It’s not like a creepy stalker thing, it’s just—spending time with you, even on your last visit… the first part….” Evan almost quits there, as if appalled by his lack of tact, but fights through it. “And seeing you with Tat, and with the horses, and even the dogs… you just… fit in. You make things better.”
Dan’s surprised to hear himself speak. “I make things better? Jesus, Evan, that’s my job! If I made things worse, why would you pay me to be here? Linda makes things better, Robyn makes things better, Tia makes things better—we all make things better.” He stares incredulously at the other man. “That doesn’t mean that you’re… attracted to me….”
Evan groans and buries his head in his hands. “Okay, maybe that wasn’t a good explanation. But you’re still missing… the problem isn’t that I’m attracted to you. Dan, I’m attracted to a lot of people—believe me, I know what that feels like. This is more. I’m… interested. And so’s Jeff. Attracted, too, obviously, but… more.”
Dan looks over at Jeff, who grins a little sheepishly, but doesn’t say anything. Apparently it’s Dan’s turn. “Okay… okay. So… what do you want me to do about that? I mean… I know I’m not great at the job, but I like it, and I’m working to get better, I don’t really want to quit….”
Jeff and Evan both jerk their heads toward him. “Shit!” Evan exclaims. “Shit, no, Dan, I was gonna say that first… shit. Okay, no, none of this is at all to do with your job, and I love what you’re doing there, and we absolutely want you to keep doing it forever. And whatever we end up doing, it is completely my responsibility to make sure that you aren’t uncomfortable at your job or….”
Jeff starts up as Evan trails off. “Really, we aren’t expecting you to do anything. It’s not your problem, it’s ours. Seriously, we’ll figure things out, one way or another.” He smiles a little at Dan, and he looks sincere.
Dan stands up. He needs to move around a little. He rubs his damp palms on the sides of his legs. “Okay. So… if you don’t want me to do anything, why did you tell me?” He looks from one to the other, sees them exchange glances as if trying to figure out how to proceed.
Jeff’s smile is sheepish again. “Okay, well… having it be our problem, and just having us figure out a way to get past it… that’s absolutely an option. It’s… from our perspective, it’s the second best option.” He shrugs a little and looks down at his hands before looking back at Dan. “But we thought… we thought we owed it to ourselves to at least mention the possibility of Option A.”
“Which is still pretty poorly defined,” Evan contributes. “I mean, it’s not so much poorly defined as it is totally flexible, dependent on you.” He looks over at Jeff. “We’ve talked about it… a lot… and we think it’s worth a gamble, worth trying whatever you want to try.”
Dan feels like there’s too much happening. He’s getting tired of feeling that way, tired of always being just a little behind everything. “What do you mean, whatever I want to”—hic—“try?” The hiccup catches him by surprise, but the question is still pretty clear.
“Well, pretty much anything,” Jeff says. “We talked about it, and we’re willing to find a way to work around you trying pretty much whatever you want, with either one or both of us.” He grins a little as Dan hiccups again. “We understand that you’re maybe not looking for anything serious, and… we know we’re not exactly the only option that you’ve got open to you right now.” He glances at Evan, who is glowering just at the thought. “We just thought… Jesus, Dan. Do you want a glass of water or something?”
The hiccups are coming fast and hard, and Dan is having a little trouble concentrating on what Jeff’s saying. “No, I’m”—hic—“I’m fine,” he manages. “I”—hic—“I just don’t quite”—hic—
“Oh, for Pete’s sake.” Evan heads for the door. “I’m gonna get you a glass of water.” Evan heads through the door toward the kitchen, and Jeff just sits back in his chair and tries not to react to Dan’s problem.
“Don’t laugh,”—hic—“man. It’s not funny.”
Jeff doubles over, and Dan guesses that maybe it is a little funny. Evan comes back with the glass of water, and hands it to Dan. “You gotta drink out of the wrong side, man.”
“I”—hic—“I know how to”—hic—“get rid of hiccups!” he says, and leans over to drink out of the far side of the glass. He tries to ignore Jeff and Evan, who are both pretty amused by the whole situation. He hiccups in the middle of the first sip and sends some water up his nose, which of course sets Jeff and Evan off even more. Finally he gets a proper swallow down, and cautiously brings himself back upright. He seems to be back under control, and Jeff and Evan sigh as they calm down. Dan grins a little. Even if he’s the butt of the joke, it still feels pretty good to hear them laugh.
They sit quietly for a moment, and then Evan giggles a little. Jeff brings his hand over to Evan’s neck in that familiar grip, but this time Evan leans into it, all the way over until his head is nestled into Jeff’s shoulder. And then he giggles again. Jeff raises his eyes to Dan’s in amusement, and Dan is almost frozen with how good it feels. He wonders for a moment if this is what they could possibly mean, if they could be suggesting that Dan could have this, could be part of this circle of affection and warmth. Jeff’s watching him, seems to be reading his reaction, and Dan wonders what would happen if he went over and sat on Jeff’s other side, maybe down on the porch floor so he could lean back against Jeff’s leg. Maybe one of Evan’s big, strong hands would come down and rest on his shoulder, or run through his hair….
Jeff moves a little, and Dan is afraid that he’s going to hold out his hand to invite Dan over, and equally afraid that he isn’t going to. It breaks the spell, and Dan snaps almost to attention. “Okay, so, uh… I don’t really know where to go from here. I mean… it’s a lot. You’ve… I’m not quite sure what�
�� yeah.” He sits down on the top step and leans against the porch railing, facing the other two men. “Can we just sleep on this or something? I mean, I think I probably have questions, but I don’t even know what they are.”
Jeff runs his arm up around Evan’s shoulder and nods. “Yeah. You’re right, it is a lot. But, seriously, Dan… it can be whatever you want it to be. As casual or as serious as you want.” He shakes his head a bit. “And it can also be nothing at all. That’s… that’s obviously an option. We’re just hoping you’ll give us a chance.”
Dan frowns even as he nods. He still can’t quite wrap his head around exactly what Jeff and Evan are thinking of, how they think things might work. He thinks of Justin, thinks of how quickly he’d known what was right and how long it had taken Dan to catch up, but this isn’t like that. He and Justin had been a regular couple, not… whatever it is that Jeff and Evan are thinking of. And then Dan remembers Justin’s parents, how they’d tried to persuade Justin to slow down, remembers Chris’s mother calling him an opportunistic drifter, thinks of the dirty looks they’d gotten sometimes for being too obviously together in public, the hate mail after Justin had kissed him at Rolex… maybe that relationship hadn’t been exactly traditional, either.
Lou has seen Dan sitting on the floor and rouses herself to walk up the stairs and climb over his legs and then collapse next to him, nuzzling her chin into his lap. He obediently lifts his hand and starts petting her, and she groans a little and nestles in, reaching her legs out straight behind her in an ecstatic stretch.
“Jesus, Jeff, your dog is such a slut,” Evan murmurs.
“Don’t tell me you’re getting jealous of her now, kid,” Jeff replies, and brings his hand up to ruffle Evan’s hair.
Evan snorts a little and nuzzles in more, and Dan can see that he’s kissing Jeff’s neck, and then he sees the skin stretch a little bit as he nips. Jeff doesn’t stop him, just leans his head back to give him more room, and when Dan’s eyes go to Jeff’s he sees that the other man is watching him, seeing his reaction. Dan blushes and looks down at Lou, but then he can’t help looking back up, and Jeff smiles a little when he does, angles his head to give Dan a better view of the spot where Evan is working his mouth, and Dan feels a stir of heat when he realizes that Evan is sucking on Jeff’s neck, marking him. When Evan is satisfied, he pulls his head back a little and gives Jeff’s neck a quick lick, then a soft kiss, and then he turns his head, and he’s looking at Dan as well, and the two of them together, their eyes blazing with controlled fire, staring at Dan as if they’re daring him to do something, they’re sin and comfort wrapped up in one bundle, and it’s too much, much too much.
Dreamspinner Press Year Four Greatest Hits Page 52