Dan almost kicks Lou he climbs to his feet so quickly. “Okay, I’ve gotta get up tomorrow. I’m gonna go to bed now… go to sleep… you guys are welcome to stay out here if you want, I’ll just….”
But Jeff and Evan are standing up, too, Jeff maybe looking a little apologetic but Evan still burningly, challengingly sensual. “That’s okay, Dan. We should be going.” Dan’s amazed that Jeff can sound so calm. “Thanks for listening, tonight. We’re happy to talk again, if you want clarification or have any ideas or anything.” He smiles. “Ball’s in your court.”
And then Evan’s pushing forward a little, and he’s quiet, but there’s too much tension in his voice to call him calm. “Are you going to see Ryan again?”
Dan isn’t sure how to answer that. “Well, yeah—he’s got my truck.”
“I’ll buy you a new truck,” Evan practically growls, and Dan can see Jeff’s hand sliding up his back, trying to soothe him.
Dan just looks at him for a second. This is too much, too intense. “I like my old truck. And, yeah, if he’s still into it… I’m gonna see him again.” Evan’s face darkens a little, and at first Dan thinks that it’s anger, but then he realizes that it’s disappointment or even hurt.
“Are you gonna think about us? Consider it?” Dan thinks that Evan is trying for the challenging tone again, but there’s too much else in his voice to really carry it off.
Dan looks at them both, sees warm, gentle Jeff and hot, passionate Evan, and he gives the honest answer. “Yeah,” he says. “I’m going to think about you both.” And then he turns and goes into the house and shuts the door carefully behind him.
Chapter 26
DAN DOESN’T know what to do with himself once he’s safely inside. He’s not sure what just happened, and he needs some time to process it. Maybe a lot of time. He wishes he had a dog, someone to talk to, to recount the conversation to without having to worry about the response. He thinks about opening the door back up, walking outside, grabbing Lou and coming back in without an explanation. He thinks that wouldn’t leave Jeff and Evan any more flabbergasted than they’ve left him.
He knows he should go to bed. He has a lot to do the next day and would prefer to be well-rested while doing it, but he also knows there’s no way his brain will stop racing long enough to get any sleep. He wishes he could call Chris, but it’s pushing midnight in California, which means that it’s almost three a.m. in Kentucky. Besides, maybe Dan needs to figure things out for himself for a change, instead of running to Chris all the time. And what would Chris think, anyway, with a phone call one day about one guy, a call the next day about two others? What kind of way is that to honor Justin’s memory?
Dan goes up to his bedroom, and looks at the photograph on his bedside table: Justin and him at the lake, the picture he’d stolen from the funeral home. He reaches out and touches it, and then, feeling a little foolish, he begins to talk. “Hey, baby. Did you hear any of that? It’s a bit crazy, right?” Dan looks at himself, talking to a photograph, and wonders if he’s really in any condition to judge “crazy.” He keeps going anyway. “It seems like things are happening really fast, Justin. I mean, for a year it was like everything was frozen, and then everything just went nuts.” He pauses for a second, decides maybe Justin needs a bit more background information. “I went out with a guy today. I mean, we kind of went out yesterday, but today… yeah, today was a date.” He pauses, almost expects the glass in the picture frame to crack or something, but there’s no reaction to his news. He’s not sure if he feels relieved or disappointed.
“He’s a good guy, I think. And Jeff and Evan are good guys too. I’m pretty sure. It’s just—I don’t want new people. I want you.” Dan thinks for a minute. “I mean, I want them, I guess. You know. It’s been a long time. And, I don’t know, sometimes I want more than just the sex, I guess. I don’t know. I just—” Dan breaks off. He’s talking to a photograph. He needs to get a grip.
He toes off his shoes and shrugs out his jeans, climbs into bed in his Henley and underwear. He doesn’t think he’s going to be able to sleep, but he’s tired, so he wants to give it a try. He thinks about Jeff and Evan, wonders what the details of their plan might be. Their relationship seems confusing enough with just two of them in it. Dan can’t imagine adding a third.
Then he thinks about Ryan. Is there any way that he’s for real, that he’s really that laid back and happy with whatever Dan can give him? It seems unlikely, but the guy really appears to be genuine. Dan thinks about kissing him. Thinks about kissing Justin. He and Justin had been together for a long time, and they’d gotten a little casual about their kisses, maybe. They were great, from comfortable greetings to passionate explorations, but they had been totally secure, nothing tentative about them. It had been beautiful to feel so safe, but maybe there’s something to be said for being a bit nervous, a bit unsure. Maybe adrenaline adds an interesting flavor occasionally.
Dan doesn’t feel himself getting sleepy, but the next thing he knows the early morning sun is shining through his window. He lies in bed for a few minutes and thinks about the previous day, and then he rolls over and grabs his phone. Chris will be at work by now, but he never seems to care if Dan interrupts him there. Sometimes Dan isn’t sure Chris is really a lawyer; he never seems to do much that seems like law to Dan.
Chris picks up on the second ring. “Danielle. I was gonna try to call you later today. How’d it go Saturday night?”
“Saturday night?” Dan honestly has to search his mind a little to remember what had happened Saturday night. It seems like it was about seven crises ago. “Oh, yeah, with Ryan. It was good.”
“Yeah? Like… how good?”
“Good enough that I spent most of yesterday with him as well.” Dan just lets that sit there for a while. He needs a minute to decide how to bring up the more pressing matter.
“Really? Huh. And you had fun?”
“Yeah, I guess. I mean… he says casual is fine, we can take it slow, all that stuff. I dunno… it seems good….”
“Did you tell him about Justin?” Chris sounds like he’s trying pretty hard to keep his voice neutral, but Dan has no idea what emotions his friend might be trying to hide.
“Yeah. Eventually. It just…. I was being a bit mental… it seemed like he deserved an explanation.” Dan pauses. “But that’s not really what I wanted to talk to you about.” He waits again, but Chris just makes an inquisitive humming sound. “So….” Dan almost laughs. “Do you remember when we were in JP’s that night and Jeff and Evan came over, and you said they’d been checking me out?”
There’s a pause, and then Chris says, “Yes….”
“So, uh… maybe you were right, a bit.”
“Danielle, of course I was right.” Chris sounds like he hasn’t really heard the content beyond the admission of his correctness. Then he catches himself. “But what happened? A day and a half ago you jumped on me for asking about Jeff, and now… what’d he do?”
“He didn’t do anything. He didn’t even say much, really. It was more Evan. And he just… I don’t know, I guess he just suggested… shit, I don’t know, really. He just said they were interested, and I should think about it, and the ball was in my court.”
There’s silence for a moment, then, “Are you shitting me?”
“Uh, no. I don’t think so.” Dan has a flash of doubt, wonders if he could possibly have misinterpreted something. It had seemed pretty clear the night before, the big picture if not the details. Could he have gotten it that wrong? Then he remembers Evan sucking on Jeff’s neck, remembers Jeff’s eyes burning into his as it happened, and he knows he got the right idea.
“Well, shit, Dan. I mean… okay, let me be a lawyer for a quick second, okay? He’s your boss, and that’s a pretty kinky setup. If he puts any sort of pressure on you, or hell, even if he doesn’t but you think that maybe you’d like a little extra money—you let me know, and we’ll sue his ass, okay?”
“No, man, it’s not like tha
t.” Dan isn’t quite sure why it isn’t, but he knows that doesn’t sound right. “I mean, he made it really clear that it wasn’t connected to work at all.”
“A gay threesome? Dan, I don’t care how clear he made it—if you want to, we can make a stink about it. He’d settle out of court to avoid the publicity. How’d you like to own those horses instead of riding them for somebody else?”
“Jesus, Chris, no.” This is a whole layer of complications that Dan doesn’t want to get into. Maybe calling Chris was a bad idea. “I don’t… I don’t feel harassed. I mean, I’m a bit freaked out, but I don’t think he was abusing his power. Okay?”
Chris sounds a bit grudging. “Okay… but if that changes at any point, you let me know.”
“Yeah, okay. Thanks, I guess.”
“Well, I guess you’re welcome.” Chris seems to be coming down a little bit, less lawyer-protector and more curious friend. “So, what are you thinking? Are you into it?”
Dan sighs. “I don’t think so. I mean, they’re both hot, but… it’d be pretty intense, right? I mean, they said I could just hook up with one of them… I think. But even that would be too many strings, right? I’m not even sure I’m up for something with Ryan.”
“Okay. That makes sense. Are you comfortable telling them that?”
“Jesus, Chris, stop making it sound like I’m a little girl!” Dan catches himself. “I mean, obviously I’m not comfortable telling them that, but… I can do it.”
“Yeah? Okay. And… how hard do you want to shut the door?”
“What?”
“Are you not into it because it’s too soon, or are you not into it at all?”
Dan takes it back—Chris might just be a pretty good lawyer. His cross-examination technique is gentle, but effective. “Shit. I don’t know.”
Dan can hear Chris’s smile. “Damn. You’re a kinky bastard, aren’t you, Danny?”
Dan laughs, and he can feel the tension flow out of his shoulders. “Shut up, Chris.” Calling Chris was a good idea.
“Hey, I’m just saying—maybe you can tell them ‘not now’, instead of ‘not at all’, you know?”
“Yeah, but then won’t it just be hanging over us all the time? I mean, maybe it’d be a better idea to just shoot it down hard, and not have to think about it again.”
“Yeah, maybe.” Chris doesn’t sound convinced. “But, seriously, Dan… isn’t it kinda fun to have something like that hanging over you? I mean, the possibility of a hot threeway isn’t exactly a terrible thing. And you know your brain is gonna find something to be uptight about… it might as well be something hot.”
“Jesus, Chris, could you be any more into this? I half expect you to fly out and volunteer to take my place.”
Chris laughs a little. “No, man, I’m just saying—if I was offered a threeway with hot members of the gender of my preference—I’d be pretty damn tempted.”
“Okay, yeah. But… okay, this part’s a little fuzzier… but they said they weren’t just attracted; they said they were interested. Like… I don’t know….” Dan can feel his face going red and is glad that Chris is far away. “Like it’s more than just physical. Or something.”
There’s a pause. “Huh. Okay. So what do you think that means?”
“What do you mean, ‘what does it mean’? It means… I dunno, they like me.”
“Now who’s making you sound like a little girl?”
“Fuck you, Foster. But you know what it means. So, does that change anything?”
“I dunno, Wheeler, you tell me.” He just sits on the phone and waits.
Maybe calling Chris was a bad idea…
“I mean… it doesn’t make me any more likely to want something right now. Makes it less likely, I guess. But, I dunno, in the future? What do… what do you think that means? Like, do they want to… I dunno, date or something?”
“What’d they say they wanted?”
Dan wracks his brain. “I don’t know—I think they said it was flexible, it was up to me… but, you know, I’m sure there’s parameters on that. I just have no idea what they are.”
Chris snorts. “Well, if you decide to get into this as more than a one-time thing, you damn well need to figure that out. I could help you—we’d draw up a contract.”
“You’re a freak, Chris. I’m not having a dating contract.”
“I dunno, man… something like this, you’d want to make sure everyone’s expectations are crystal clear—that sounds like a job for a contract.”
“Okay, well, you’re not writing a dating contract for me and my boss and his lover. Okay?”
“First thing we’d work out would be titles. If you’re all in this, it wouldn’t get to be ‘your boss’ and ‘his lover’, it’d be ‘your lovers’.” Chris sounds like he’s enjoying himself. “I should jot down another few notes, do a bit of research, maybe check for precedents. This could be an important document for future gay threesomes.”
“You’re a menace to the legal profession, Chris.” Dan thinks for a moment. “I guess it doesn’t really matter for now, right? I mean, either way, I’m not into it right now, probably not ever. So if I shut the door, but don’t slam it, then I’m covering all the bases, right?”
“Sounds safe. Just make sure you’re not being a tease, Danny. You like these guys. You don’t want to lead them on if you’re absolutely not into it.”
“No. I won’t. I’ll just… try to be honest.” Dan thinks that might be easier to say than to do, but he figures he can give it a try.
“Well, all right. Have you got any other bombshells to drop on me, or can I get back to work?”
“Your important ‘gay threesome’ research?”
“I’m not at liberty to discuss the details at this time.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. If you need any terms explained… don’t call me, please.”
They laugh as they hang up, and Dan does feel a bit better. He hasn’t come up with a long-term solution, but he knows what he’s thinking right now, and that’s better than he’s usually been doing lately.
He finds clean clothes and some breakfast and heads down to the barn. Tat, Sara, Michelle, and Robyn are already there, and Dan feels like a bit of a slacker, but he checks his watch, and it’s not even seven thirty yet. Seems like everyone just wants to get an early start on the week.
Sara gets left behind to do the chores, but the others saddle up and go up the hill to the cross-country course. Dan puts Tat on Chaucer and tells her that she can only ride on the flat until she gets used to him, but the three actual trainers give their horses a good workout over the obstacles, and then all four go for a little hack along the back property line. Dan’s on Monty, and he’s reminded again how much he loves the big gelding’s power and heart. Smokey treats everything he sees as if it’s expected and kind of interesting. Monty acts like everything’s a total surprise but shows no fear, only a determination to overcome the obstacle. Dan finds himself trying to compare the two to Jeff and Evan, and cuts off the train of thought. Horses are horses, and Dan knows he loves them. He doesn’t want to start confusing them with people in his mind.
They go back down to the barn, and Dan spends a little time talking to everybody, figuring out training goals for each horse for the week. He’s registered several of the animals in a horse trial the next weekend, so the barn’s priority will be to work with them and make sure any kinks have been worked out. It feels good to be back with the horses, back where he’s confident in his abilities and his role. He can’t totally keep his mind off other things, though, and when he’s talking to Tat about Sunshine’s training, his mind wanders to her brother more often than it should.
“So, you understand what we’re trying for there?” he asks. “Sunshine is registered hors concours. That means that she’s competing at a lower level than she should be, so she won’t be eligible for any prizes. We’re treating this as her introduction to California, and as an opportunity for you to get some experience. She’s
ready to go quite a bit higher as soon as you are, so most of our training is going to concentrate on getting you up to her level. Does that make sense?”
Tat nods, but looks a little pensive. “Is it bad that I’m holding her back? I mean, is she losing important opportunities or something?”
Dan grins and resists the urge to ruffle Tat’s hair. “No, she’s fine. She’s probably happy to take it easy for a bit. Top-level eventing is really hard on horses. It’s pretty rare to find one that retires because of old age rather than injury. So you’re essentially giving her body a bit of a break, and that could be good in the long run.”
Tat nods but still looks worried. “But then, should I never compete her at the higher levels? If that’s going to hurt her?”
That’s a tougher question. The ethics of his sport are not crystal clear for Dan. “I don’t think so. Wait until you see her next weekend; she’ll be so alive, so enthusiastic. Good eventers are competitive—if they don’t want to win, they don’t do well.” Tat is looking at him like he holds the answers to the universe, and it’s a little unsettling, but he tries to find something intelligent to say. “It’s like… do you remember what you said about Justin?” He’s proud that he’s saying this without having to fight back a huge rush of emotion. Maybe things are getting better. “You said that he seemed so happy when he was eventing, like that’s what he was meant to do.” She nods in recollection. “That’s what a good eventing horse is like too—it’s like they’ve found their place in the universe, and they have to give it all they’ve got. You know?” Tatiana is smiling now. “Wait and see her on Sunday, and then you can figure out what you think she’d want to do.”
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