Easy Does It Twice

by Gianni Holmes

  Between him swearing at me and the anger in him, I had no idea what to think. “Ollie, what are you going on about?”

  “I’m talking about you fucking Charlie’s French teacher?” He spun to face Charlie whose mouth had fallen open. “That’s right, sis. That’s what dear dad has been doing all these nights he’s been disappearing.”

  “I don’t understand,” Charlie said bewildered. She looked horrified at the thought. “Dad, that’s not true. Right?”

  “He’s fucking gay, Charlie! I should have known. That’s why mom acted the way she did when I told her I was gay. You gave me what you got. You’re the reason I’m gay.”

  The pieces of the puzzle were now beginning to fall into place. “Don’t be ridiculous, Ollie. Being gay isn’t hereditary. If you’re gay that’s just who you are. There’s no shame in it.”

  “Then why did you hide it from us?” He shook his head. “No, save it. I don’t want to hear. I’ll never forgive you for the way you lied to us.”

  It was just as Beau had predicted would happen if the kids found out before I told them the truth. How was I to get him to listen to me when he was this mad and fuming?

  “Let me explain to you, Ollie.”

  “It’s true then?” Charlie asked, her soft inquiring tone even more impactful than Ollie’s bellows. Her face had gone white, and the fork she held remained poised in mid-air, forgotten.

  My heart was pounding in my chest as I stared from one child to another. One furious and the other uncertain. Whatever my answer was, they would not be satisfied, but it was time to stop hiding behind the lies and pretenses I’d built for so long.

  “Yes, it’s true,” I answered. “But Ollie, it’s not as easy as you may think. I don’t know how you found out, but I grew up in a different time than now. I didn’t know anybody around who was gay when I was in high school. Things may not be perfect now, but it’s different, and you absolutely should be happy with who you are.”

  “How can I be happy with who I am?” he demanded, so angry he was shaking. “You never taught me to accept myself. The only thing you taught me about who I am is shame because you’ve been ashamed to admit you’re gay. You’re a fucking hypocrite.”

  I cracked under the pressure. “I understand you are upset Ollie, but I still am your father, and I will not have you speak to me this way.”

  “You are not my father!” he spat at me, walking backward. “I don’t know anything about you. I don’t even know who you are.”

  “That’s not true. I’m not any different than who I was before.”

  He shook his head, tears starting to roll down his face. “For a year, I blamed myself for mom’s death. I told myself it was my fault. I told her I was gay just before we left for New Orleans and she was mad and crying, begging me to change and not disappoint her. Then she killed herself while we were away. Because it’s my fault, do you know what I did? I tried dating girls, hoping somewhere, wherever she is, she will know I tried to do the right thing. For her. I hated myself for the way I was. I was scared to tell you because I always saw you as-as a man.”

  “I’m no less a man because I am gay,” I answered, frustrated because I couldn’t seem to find the right words. “You’re no less a man because you’re gay. Your mother was wrong for saying those things to you and guilt-tripping you into being what she wanted. Take it from me, son. It’s never a good idea to date someone to please others. Be with who you want to be with because they make you happy and for no other reason.”

  “It’s a little too late now for the pep talk.” He stalked out of the living room, and when I would have gone after him, Charlie stopped me.

  “Mr. Moreau?” she asked, still in disbelief. “You’ve been going out with my French teacher the whole time?”

  I winced at the front door of the house which slammed shut. I hadn’t even had the opportunity to ask Ollie how he had found out and now he was gone. Maybe it was for the best for him to cool off. When he returned, I could try that talk on him again.

  “Charlie, I’m- I’m in love with him,” I answered, slumping back into my chair. “I didn’t know he was your French teacher when we just met.”

  “But my teacher?” she gasped, rising from her seat. “And what happened to your promise to tell me if you had a serious relationship? Or is being in love not considered serious to you? How could you do this to us? It’s embarrassing!”

  My phone rang, and I fished it out of my pocket to check the caller ID. It was Beau calling me. I wanted to answer the phone, but Charlie was staring at me suspiciously. I’d seen her in tears. I’d seen her sad, but I’d never seen her this angry before.

  “It’s Mr. Moreau, isn’t it?”

  I nodded. The lies had to stop at some point. I couldn’t protect them from the truth anymore. Why should they need protecting anyway because I was gay? “But I’m not going to take it. We need to finish our conversation.”

  “It’s done. I don’t even know what to say to you. I’m so confused. How can you be gay? You were married to mom.”

  “She got pregnant, and I couldn’t allow her to bear the pressure of raising Ollie on her own,” I answered. “It was the right thing to do at the time. We lived in a different era, Charlie.”

  “So Ollie was a mistake?” she demanded. “So that makes me what? Another accident?”

  I couldn’t answer. Charlie had been a result of one drunken night when I’d been so down and lonely I hadn’t been able to resist the companionship of Barbara.

  “The circumstance surrounding your birth hardly matters,” I said to her. “What matters is that we both loved you from the very second we found out about you. Nothing will ever change that.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “Charlie, don’t say that.”

  She ignored me and ran from the dining room. I stared after her departing back, torn between going after her and giving her the time she needed to process everything. In the stillness of the kitchen my phone, which had rung off before, started its annoying ringing again. I would have thrown it in the wall, but I caught Beau’s name flashing across the screen again. What did he want?

  “Beau, now’s not the time,” I answered. “I’ll call you sometime. As soon as things settle down.”

  “No. No, Gordon. Don’t hang up. I’ve—”

  “I can’t do this right now, Beau. I said I’ll call you when I can.”

  I hung up the phone and slumped in the chair, trying to figure out where to go from here. If my kids didn’t agree with me dating Beau, could I dismiss what I felt for him to please them? They shouldn’t have to make me choose between them and Beau. They weren’t little kids anymore. They understood relationships and love.

  My phone beeped, announcing a message had come in. Beau again. He’d sent me a link in a message. Since my phone showed the message content on the screen even when the phone was locked, I could read it.

  Please, click the link. Call me when you can.

  Wondering what was so urgent that he didn’t understand I couldn’t handle our relationship right now, I unlocked the phone and tapped the link. I almost deleted the message when the link sent me to a popular video sharing website. I doubted the app was ever used on my phone before. Before I could clear the screen though, the video started playing.

  Shock rooted me to the chair as I watched myself on the video with Beau. The audio was poor, so the words spoken between us were too low to pick up on video. Based on the angle of the video and the long stretch between the cameraman and the stage, the person who had recorded us was standing just at the entrance of the room.

  The horror I felt gave way to intrigue as I watched the way I smiled at Beau. I’d never seen myself reflected like this before. I was happy. Watching the kiss jerked me back to the issue at hand. I felt violated that someone had stood there, watching us, and videoing us. The person had even gone so far as to upload it to the video app.

  I immediately rang Beau.

  “I’m sorry. This is all
my fault,” were the first words out of his mouth.

  “It’s not,” I answered. “But this explains why Ollie just stormed out of here after calling me a fucking liar.”

  “You mean you didn’t tell him?”

  “I planned to do it tonight, but the video showed up before I had the chance.”

  “This is a disaster!” he exclaimed.

  “But this app is worldwide,” I answered. “How many people will see it?”

  “It’s not just posted to the site. It’s being sent around from one student to another.”

  And someone had sent it to Ollie. “Shit.” I had to talk to Charlie before she got exposed to it.

  “Babe, do you want me to do anything?” Beau asked.

  “Like what? Can you go back and make this all go away? Unless the answer is yes, I don’t see what you can do.”

  “I was just trying to help.”

  I closed my eyes and ran my hand over my face. “I’m sorry,” I groaned. “I didn’t mean to snap at you, but the pressure I’m feeling now is hard.”

  “I know, but you don’t have to do it alone.”

  “Actually, this I have to do on my own,” I told him. “I’ve to go.”

  “Call me if you need anything. I love you, Gordon.”

  He had said the words to me before, but they meant more to me hearing them now. He hung up before I could respond, and I slipped the phone into my pocket. It was time for me to man up and talk to both my kids openly about my relationship with Beau. They needed to understand why it would be unlikely for them to have another mother, but they might end up with two fathers. Even if that man wasn’t Beau, but I sure damn hoped it was him.

  I trudged up the stairs and to Charlie’s room. I knocked on the door. “Charlie, can I come in?”

  “I don’t want to talk to you,” came her muffled voice.

  Rather than leaving, which would have been the easy way out, I turned the knob to let myself in. She sat on the bed, her phone in her hands and her face pale. I closed my eyes, hearing the sounds of the video I had just been watching of Beau and me kissing.

  “I’m sorry,” I told her because I didn’t know what else to say. “I’m sorry you had to find out this way.”

  She shook her head, tears streaming down her face. “I don’t understand it. You were with mom. How could you be kissing Mr. Moreau?”

  “Oh honey, life’s a lot complicated,” I remarked, moving closer to the bed. “I wanted to tell you so many times but was afraid of this reaction.”

  She looked up from her phone. “Did you love mom?”

  I nodded. “Yes, I loved her, but it’s in a different way than I feel about Beau.”

  “So now you love him? Mr. Moreau?”

  I swallowed hard and tried to reach for her hand, but she pulled it away. I’d never been so hurt in all my life by her action. “Yes, I love him,” I answered honestly. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I can’t help who I fall in love with, Charlie any more than I can help being gay. If I could, I would have. I did try. I swear I did try.”

  “Will you still see him?” she demanded.

  My eyes widened in shock. “Charlie?” I hesitated, not knowing how to answer. I didn’t want to lose Beau, but how could I hold onto him if my children weren’t okay with our relationship. They needed me.

  “So will you?” she persisted.

  “I want to,” I answered. “But if it’s something you feel you couldn’t accept, then no, I won’t—” my voice cracked then. “Then I won’t see him again.”

  Chapter 27

  Beau

  Just a second away from chewing my nails down to the skin, I parked the car in the staff parking area and switched off the engine. I remained seated, a little disoriented. I was still trying to come to grips with everything spinning out of control. The video of Gordon and me kissing should have never existed. Now both of us were facing problems in our individual lives which had placed an insurmountable strain on our relationship. I had yet to hear from Gordon since I sent him the link to the video yesterday. He had sent me one text in the night that Ollie was still not home, and he was worried, but he didn’t take my calls. I’d eventually given up, a little pissed that he was shutting me out. I was trying to exercise patience, but he wasn’t the only one affected. I was pretty sure I would feel the brunt of that video today.

  I was about to get out of the car when my phone chimed. I retrieved it from my messenger bag, relieved to find it was Gordon. I didn’t bother to think about him ignoring my calls last night. I swiped the phone to answer it.

  “Hey, how are you?” I greeted him.

  “I didn’t sleep a wink last night,” he answered, and he sounded like it. “How about you?”

  “I got some but not nearly enough,” I answered. I’d fallen asleep only to wake up in the middle of the night, conscious of the lack of Gordon’s presence. I had become so used to him slipping into my bed at all hours of the night and pulling me into him.

  “Ollie is still not home,” he stated. “I tried looking for him last night. I checked at his friends’ home.” I heard the hitch in his voice.

  “What happened?”

  “I’ve never had so many doors slammed in my face before,” he replied. “I could see the disgust on people’s faces. People who I knew my whole life.”

  “I swear I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with people!” I blew up because I was getting annoyed at people allowing our relationship to affect them. We didn’t care what the hell they did in their bedrooms so why were they so bothered by what we did in ours? “It’s not right for them to treat you that way.”

  “What can I do about it?”

  I wished I had the answers, but I didn’t. “I don’t know, Gordon.”

  “And there’s something else.”

  I stiffened, waiting for it. I just knew what he was going to say. “Go on.”

  “Given the way things are at the moment with my kids, I think it might be a good idea to stop seeing each other for a while.”

  I knew the words were coming but hearing them was a different story. I blinked away the tears and sucked in a deep breath. So, it wasn’t the first time I would be heartbroken. I could do this. What did it matter that I fucking loved him more than anyone else I’d ever come in contact with?

  “Beau, you okay?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” I lied.

  “Then why the hell do I feel like I'm ripping my own fucking heart out?”

  “Don’t say things like that, okay? It only makes it harder.”

  “This is not forever,” he said, but he sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than for my benefit. “Just until things settle down. Things will work out. It has to.”

  “Yeah, they will.” But they were just empty words. I was worried I’d already lost him. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t help feeling disheartened at his kids for not loving him enough to look past what they considered to be a flaw. If they were okay with his relationship, I felt Gordon would have an easier time being with me. I couldn’t imagine how he felt knowing his kids didn’t support him.

  “I’m sorry your kids are a pain in the ass,” I told him.

  “Yeah, but they are my pain, and right now I have to ensure they are both fine. I’ve to put them first.”

  “Then do what you have to.” And because I was getting all choked up, I added. “I’ve to go. I’m at work.”

  “Okay. Well, I guess this is goodbye then?”

  I couldn’t answer so I hung up on him. “Shit.” I wished he would have called me before I arrived at work. What the hell was I going to do with all these emotions while dealing with dozens of kids, one of who had ruined my relationship? I wished I could back up on through the school’s gate and drive away until my tank was on E. I wasn’t too particular about where it led me.

  I reigned in my emotions as duty called. I grabbed my messenger bag, exited the car and shut the door. I placed my phone on vibrate and crossed the parking lot to the
front doors of the school. The hairs on the back of my neck stood as the whispers, snickers, and finger-pointing began but I was determined to get through it all.

  The same behavior from the students continued all day. I ignored it and went on with my classes as usual. Even though the whispers continued, I received no outright defiance or challenges from the students. In some cases, they were even quieter than usual. I received two notes from parents requesting that their children be removed from my class to another. Helpless to do anything about it, I simply signed on the dotted line.

  I was relieved when it was time for recess, and I could take my hour lunch break. Happier still that today I wasn’t on cafeteria duty, I made my way to the teacher’s lounge.

  “What a day!” I exclaimed, feeling free to let my shoulders slump and allow my energy to drop. It had taken everything out of me to maintain the morning sessions, and I was looking forward to reenergizing myself for part two.

  I paused when I noticed the conversation going on in the lounge promptly stopped. No one met my eyes. There were no ready smiles like I was used to getting. They had obviously been discussing me.

  I brought my lunch over to the table where Chuck Taylor was sitting. Before I could say hi, he was on his feet and hightailing it out of the lounge. I felt myself getting red in the face. Even if kids’ reactions weren’t right, the adults always came off more of a jackass. Before I could say anything unfavorable to one of them, I fled to the bathroom. Once inside, I blew out a long breath, as my heart thudded in my chest. Anxiety was something I had outgrown as a child and had only returned briefly during my stint with Ian.

  I leaned over the vanity and splashed cold water on my face. I was beginning to calm down when the door pushed open. I glanced up to see the Physics instructor, James Raynor walk inside.

  “You okay, man?” he asked. “You look messed up.”

  “I’ll be fine,” I answered.

  He leaned against the vanity beside me. “Look, don’t pay them any mind. People can be dicks about things they don’t understand.”

  I smiled at him gratefully. Finally, someone who still had their faculties in working order. “You’ll never know how much I needed to hear that.”