The Shift: Scenes from the Year Humanity Lost Sex

by Zoe S. Figueroa

  [SCHWARTZMAN]: I should have known you’d use the reorganization of the human race as an excuse to take punting out of football.

  [MATTHEWS]: They’re just swinging their damn legs!

  [SCHWARTZMAN]: Next up: the Winter Olympics are set to kick off three days from now in Pyeongchang, South Korea. The IOC -- confirming provisionary announcements -- reiterated that there will be no crossover between the men’s and women’s events. Separate events will be held and medals awarded for the athletes who qualified as men and women. Even the events won’t be affected. In speed skating the former men will skate 10,000 meters while the former women top out at 5,000 meters. Curtis, do you agree with the decision?

  [MATTHEWS]: Look, I’m probably not the guy to decide how to alter Winter Olympic events to be more equitable and I’m always going to count on the IOC to take the most conservative position available. Still, this seems like the right decision to me. These athletes have trained for years and have worked their butts off qualifying for the events they’re participating in. I don’t think you can say a month before the biggest day in their lives: “Hey, by the way, you’re going to be competing in a different event against twice as many people.” You just can’t do that.

  [CONT’D]: Even so: it seems like a missed opportunity to do something special for such a momentous occasion. What about an extra match of the two gold medal winners? Give the winner a platinum medal or something.

  [SCHWARTZMAN]: But not all the men’s and women’s events are equivalent. The two-man bobsled winners could face off against each other, but there’s only men in the four-man bobsled.

  [MATTHEWS]: Four-person bobsled, Bernie. I thought you got the memo.

  [SCHWARTZMAN]: Even for something like hockey you’d have to decide if you’d play by men’s or women’s rules. How well is Alex Ovechkin going to be able to play if he’s not allowed to check?

  [MATTHEWS]: About as well as he’s been playing since New Year’s with the ability to check.

  [SCHWARTZMAN]: This decision does bring up what the IOC will do for Tokyo in 2020. I think by then if the events aren’t consolidated people will get upset.

  [MATTHEWS]: The Olympics will absolutely have to be fully integrated by 2020. It’s not just the right thing to do, it’s the smart thing to do. For years the Olympics have been struggling with the number of athletes growing out of control. Now they can cut athletes without removing sports.

  [CONT’D]: Take basketball: Rio had two separate tournaments of 12 countries each. That’s 24 teams, and most of those were countries that had a team for both the men’s and women’s tournament. If you have just one tournament you can set the number of teams to 20, cutting 4 team’s worth of athletes and coaches you have to pay for. Twenty teams also means twenty actual countries being represented, which expands the game. It’s win-win.

  [SCHWARTZMAN]: Speaking of basketball, we turn to the stunning news that a major American sports league has cancelled its season! No, it’s not the NBA, though the Brooklyn Nets probably wouldn’t turn down the offer. The WNBA has announced that it will not be holding its 2017 season set to tip off May 12. The press release was short on details and listed “the best interests of our players” as the only reasoning behind the move. The WNBA did not say the league itself will fold, leading most people to assume it’s jockeying for a merger with the NBA. How likely do you think this merger is, and how smart an idea do you think it is?

  [MATTHEWS]: If any women’s league is going to merge with a men’s league, it’s got to be the WNBA. In fact, it’s almost not a merger considering how closely associated the two leagues are. There’s no equivalent leagues that are as popular or long lasting in women’s sports. The standard of play is probably the closest to the men’s league since basketball has attracted some of this country’s best female athletes. There have been a lot of comparison videos this last month showing the similarities of the new NBA to the WNBA.

  [CONT’D]: With that in mind, there are 12 teams in the WNBA. Is there 12 team’s worth of NBA talent on those rosters? Maybe, but there’s an even better chance of there being six team’s worth of talent across those rosters. The ABA didn’t bring over all its teams when it merged with the NBA, after all.

  [SCHWARTZMAN]: The NBA has wanted to expand for a while now and the only thing holding it back was a lack of depth in the talent pool. That problem has been solved with half of the world’s population now being eligible. The league has been eyeing cities for expansion franchises and a merger would be a perfect opportunity to fill these markets.

  [CONT’D]: Seattle is a perfect example of a city the NBA wants to return to. They even have a WNBA team already there. Swap out the name for the SuperSonics and you’re ready to go. But the NBA could also expand to towns like Las Vegas, Vancouver, St. Louis, Kansas City, Cincinnati, or Pittsburg.

  [MATTHEWS]: Bring back the Syracuse Nationals is what I say. Love those “Nats” jerseys.

  [SCHWARTZMAN]: You always were a big Hal Greer guy. Hey, how about this: put two teams in Shanghai and Beijing. Turn the NBA into the truly international league it’s always wanted to be.

  [MATTHEWS]: The NBA obviously wants these teams in new markets, but who’s going to play on them? Do you simply bring over half a dozen teams whole cloth and have a dispersal draft for the WNBA players that aren’t on those teams? Do you let NBA teams hold on to a core of 7 players then let the merged WNBA teams draft from everyone else’s rosters?

  [SCHWARTZMAN]: I think a lot of WNBA players would like to keep their teams intact to prove they’re just as good as their NBA counterparts. If next season rolls around and Nneka Ogwumike is the league's leading scorer and the Sparks are leading their division that’s going to be a big boost for female athletes. Or those who used to be female athletes at least.

  [MATTHEWS]: But what if the new teams all turn out to be worse than the old NBA teams?

  [SCHWARTZMAN]: They’re expansion teams; they’re supposed to be terrible. And besides, after a few years of trades and drafts the origins of players are going to be evened out. Players are going to age out of the game and college players that will have played their whole collegiate careers on consolidated teams will be drafted.

  [MATTHEWS]: Okay, next we’re going to talk about some controversy about some new world records in swimming and the swimsuits used in making them, but first we’re going to take a timeout for a word from our sponsors. Stay tuned for more “Touch ‘Em All” after the break.

  [END OF SEGMENT TRANSCRIPT]

  Halloween Party

  Gibson Residence

  Cincinnati, OH

  Wednesday October 31, 303 days after

  “Happy Halloween!”

  Andy squinted as the camera flash assaulted his eyes. His vision returned in time to watch Yvonne skip back into the hallway wearing a pirate wench costume.

  “We got another one!” she shouted to the guests in the kitchen as she waved the photo in her hand.

  Andy remained in the doorway holding the cupcakes he’d brought.

  “So am I supposed to take my shoes off or…”

  There weren’t any in the foyer and he figured she’d say something if she cared so he stepped inside and followed her to the back of the house.

  The party was already buzzing with conversation and a stereo system that had long since been overpowered. Before Andy could recognize anyone he saw Yvonne tape the photo to a length of butcher paper on the wall. There were two columns. At the top of the one on the left were the words “Sexy Costumes.” At the top of the one on the right were the words “Boring Costumes.” Actually, “Boring Costumes” was crossed out with “Non-Sexy Costumes” written below in different handwriting. That itself was crossed out with the words “Costumes for Which the Defining Characteristic is Not Sexiness” written below that in yet different handwriting. The picture of Andy’s penguin costume was on the right column. Most pictures were on the left.

  “It was looking close for a while, but I think Sexy’s going to win,”
Yvonne beamed as she turned back to Andy, “I don’t think there are enough prisms left who are coming to even out the score.”

  Andy scanned the washed-out photos. Most subjects had their eyes pinched tight or a hand in front of their faces like they were hounded by paparazzi. Regardless of the costumes none of the pictures themselves were very sexy.

  “I’m mostly surprised you were able to find a Polaroid,” Andy said, “They still make those?”

  “They don’t, actually” Yvonne said and brandished the camera, “This one’s made by Fujifilm.”

  “Still though.”

  He rested a finger on a photo of a person in an authentic-looking Playboy Bunny outfit complete with fishnets and rabbit ears.

  “Who’s this?”

  “That’s me,” a voice said. Andy turned to see the bunny girl in the flesh. They looked a whole lot better than in the photo.

  Andy shifted and waited, not ready to admit he didn’t know who they were. The bunny girl pointed his long, blue fingernails towards the plastic cup he was holding that read “Will.”

  “Oh, Will, sorry, I didn’t recognize you.”

  “That’s kind of the idea.”

  “You look really good. Very, you know, sexy, I guess.”

  “Thanks,” he said and adjusted the top of his teddy, making his breasts even more parallel with the ground, “The wig’s a pain in the ass, but pain is beauty. You know this is the first time I’ve ever worn a bow tie?”

  “It suits you.”

  “Exactly. It’s not like she could have pulled this outfit off,” Will said and nudged towards his wife, Jessica. She turned away from her conversation wearing a red smoking jacket and a yachting cap.

  “What was that?”

  “I was just telling Andy how you couldn’t pull off this outfit.”

  “Oh, definitely,” she said, “You’re the bombshell in the family.”

  She blew some bubbles out of the pipe she was holding and returned to her conversation.

  “So you’re a penguin?” Will directed at Andy’s costume.

  “Yeah, a penguin.”

  “Cool,” Will said unconvincingly and turned to join his wife.

  Andy walked over to the counter and set his tray on a blank spot next to some other desserts, relieved to find no one else had brought cupcakes. He turned around and nearly bumped into someone wearing an Ellen Ripley costume.

  “Oh, sorry, uh,” the person held up eir cup, “Warren. I should get one of those cups.”

  “It’s tricky, isn’t it?” e said, “There’s like two levels of recognition you’ve got to go through.”

  “Yeah,” Andy said, “Especially since I haven’t seen you much this year. How have you been doing?”

  “Pretty good. I’ve been traveling so much for work I haven’t gotten to go to much social stuff. Every three months I find the time to go to a party and I have to relearn everyone’s faces. Plus people have gotten in the habit of swapping pronouns and stuff. You’re still he?”

  “Yep. And you were using e, weren’t you?”

  “Yeah, if you can bother remembering,” Warren said, “I feel weird about requesting something, but then I see myself in a window when someone uses ‘he’ and I have this weird dissociative moment. That happen to you?”

  “Probably not as bad, but maybe a little.”

  “That’s good,” e said, “What about you? Anything new with you?”

  “I broke up with Lauren. Or we broke up; it’s kind of hard to pin blame on the situation.”

  “Aw, I’m sorry,” Warren said and put a hand on Andy’s flipper, “Are you doing okay?”

  “Yeah, it’s been about four weeks. I’m pretty much over it by now.”

  “It sucks being single, dude,” e said, “Even if we can use vibrators now. I’m actually trying to get back into the scene again. I think I’m finally ready to be in a relationship again.”

  Andy felt an almost imperceptible squeeze on his arm.

  “Oh jeez!” Warren said and retracted eir arm, “I’m sorry! I’m still really bad at this stuff. I hope you don’t think I…”

  “No, no, it’s cool,” Andy assured, “That’s a real legit Ridley costume by the way.”

  “Thanks,” e said and hoisted the giant rifle to eir shoulder, eager to change the topic. “Ever since it seemed like this was going to be permanent I planned on doing this costume. It was real tough finding these moon boots. And I’ve never spent so much on a haircut, but I had to get that good 80s look.”

  E ran eir hand through eir feathered hair.

  “Yeah, it’s kind of bullshit Yvonne put you in the unsexy column,” Andy said.

  “Isn’t it? Ripley’s the best. That’s actually me who changed the label on the…”

  They looked over to find Warren’s label had been crossed out and “Boring Costumes” had been re-written in a fourth person’s handwriting underneath.

  “Motherfuckers!” Warren growled.

  Before e could march over and re-correct the sign the two were grabbed from behind in a headlock.

  “What’s happening, bitches?”

  Andy instantly recognized Lisa.

  “Hey Lisa,” Warren said, “How are you doing?”

  “Doing awesome! Have you tried the punch? You gotta try the punch!” she said and shook them.

  “So you’re a sexy bunny too?” asked Andy

  “‘Too?’ What do you mean ‘too?’”

  “Will is doing the Playboy Bunny thing.”

  “The waitress outfit?” Lisa said, “That basic shit? Fuck that: I’m Miss Bunny.”

  She stepped back to show off her fuzzy yellow socks, fuzzy yellow miniskirt, fuzzy yellow top, and fuzzy yellow ears. The top was cut low revealing her expertly coiffed chest hair that was dyed white.

  “Miss Bunny?” Andy repeated.

  “Miss Bunny. From Bambi. The girl rabbit that fucks Thumper.”

  “Do they fuck?”

  “Oh, Thumper fucks,” Lisa said, “That’s why they call him Thumper.”

  “That’s why they call him Thumper,” Warren echoed, just over eir breath.

  “Thank you for picking that up,” Lisa said, “I was worried no one would.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “Anyway,” she continued, “According to that movie you can attract boys with a big ol’ bushy chest. Is it working?” she asked and leaned forward.

  “Uh, kinda,” Andy said, “But I think that was supposed to be a stand-in for big boobs or something.”

  “Or, like, a mink shawl,” Warren added.

  “Well I don’t have either of those,” she said, “So what do you two think? Wanna get twitterpated?”

  “Maybe in a bit,” Andy said.

  “Cool,” Lisa said and squeezed both their shoulders, “I’m gonna have more punch.”

  Warren watched her disappear into the crowd before turning back to Andy.

  “So why a penguin?”

  “Honestly I have no idea.”

  Family Meeting

  Percy Residence

  Houston, TX

  Sunday April 15, 104 days after

  Trevor and Kate sat separated by the breakfast nook table. A hot cup of coffee was in front of each of them even though it was three in the afternoon. There was a plate of cookies between them even though neither of them were hungry. The door to the kitchen was closed even though there was no one else in the house.

  “So.”

  “So.”

  They sat a while longer.

  “Kids.”

  “Kids.”

  Kate lifted the mug to her lips and took the smallest sip possible.

  “You know, if they gave you your promotion a year ago like they were supposed to we could have avoided all of this.”

  “That’s true,” Trevor said, “I’ll make sure to tell Mitch it’s his fault if I get knocked up.”

  Kate released the small knot above her stomach, relieved that he accepted her small joke.

&nb
sp; “Maybe we should start out with a baseline,” Trevor said, “I’ll go first.”

  She nodded.

  “I want this family to have chi-” he cleared his throat, “At least one child and possibly more.”

  “I want our family to have children.”

  “Children?”

  “Children.”

  Trevor leaned back.

  “Okay, children.”

  “I didn’t like being an only child,” Kate said, “I was always jealous of all the kids who had brothers and sisters. If we’re going to have kids I want to have more than one.”

  “Okay. I always had siblings, so I might have taken that for granted. I guess if we have multiple kids it could be more… equitable. If we had an even number.”

  He picked up a cookie and set it back down in front of him.

  “I noticed neither of us said we want to give birth to any children.”

  Kate couldn’t help but smile. It was always like this with Trevor. She should have known better than to marry a lawyer.

  “No, I guess we didn’t.”

  “Is that important to you?”

  “Maybe,” she said, “It’s just the typical way people have kids.”

  “I’m not sure there’s a typical way anymore.”

  “I guess not.”

  “Do we want to look into adoption?”

  “It’s probably worth looking into,” she said, “It was probably worth looking into before all this.”

  “I don’t think it’s going to get any less expensive,” Trevor said, “And the whole reason we waited until I got my promotion was we thought we’d have just enough money.”

  He rotated the cookie in front of him.

  “Or maybe they’ll just start handing out babies now that there aren’t any scary men who’ll drop them on their heads. Who the hell knows what’s going to happen.”

  A car driving past their window provided both with a distraction.

  “So, we can’t assume adoption will get any cheaper and if that’s the case we probably won’t adopt,” Kate said.