26 and Change

by Deacon Rie

  Their eyes remained locked and Stephen could see wrinkles appearing across the man’s forehead as his nose scrunched in response to the primal yell he released while raising his rifle. Seeing the barrel of the rifle aimed directly at him, Stephen became acutely aware that this was the moment he would be shot and this was the man who would do it.

  Never losing sight of the man’s murderous gaze, the only phrase that could come to Stephen’s mind was to repeat his earlier order of, “Covering Fire.” But he didn't even get the first syllable out. Stephen's voice was instantly drowned out. From atop his squad's humvee came a thunder that absorbed every other sound from the battleground. Hooper had regained consciousness and announced his return with a rapid delivery of instant destruction courtesy of the humvee's mounted .50 caliber machine gun. The walls of the bath house were shredded like BBs ripping through a Styrofoam cup. Some insurgents tried running, but now return fire was also being delivered from the other convoy vehicles that had pulled up and taken overlapping firing position to cut off the enemy's retreat.

  It was over in less than a minute. The tip of Hooper's machine gun glowed with a red amber and smoke simmered off the end of the muzzle. Stephen looked to the spot where the young man had been just a moment before. The carnage around that area of the bath house told Stephen why he was the one still standing. Short, quick breaths began to crowd his breathing.

  Whew, too close. Sarah almost got a visit from the chaplain. Wait… Sarah… Sarah, the phone!

  Stephen looked up in a forceful breath and failing to confirm an all-clear, he sprinted across the still smoldering asphalt and grabbed the phone off the floor of the humvee. "Sarah? Sarah?" There was no response from the other end. The sensitive connection had been severed at the moment of the initial blast. Stephen frantically pressed buttons in an attempt to reconnect Sarah but there was no signal. The highly sophisticated communication device lay as dormant in his hand as a brick. Stephen felt the bulk of hard plastic cut into his palm as the worthless box refused to even give him the satisfaction of cracking under the pressure of his tightening grip.

  Sarah held onto her phone with both hands in the sheer hope of hearing something, anything. She was desperate for any sound indicating a hint of the connection or even the possibility of her husband's voice once more, but even a dial tone would have given her enough relief to start breathing again. From the depths of her soul she dared to beg God to let her hear Stephen say something. She called out to Stephen with a broken whimper. Her lips quivered but the voice which emerged sounded almost calm and expectant. She pushed away more thoughts than she could hold and stared at the phone, afraid to let it go. Expectancy gave way to anxiety and she was forced to recognize the crushing disconnected sound of the failed line.

  It would be three excruciating days before Sarah would learn that Stephen had not been killed on that Iraqi highway. Seventy-two tortured hours of watching dramatic news reports of a car bomb used to ambush an Army convoy on that hellish desert road. She endured the horrific waiting as the names of soldiers killed in the ambush were slowly released so as to respectfully give time for their families to be notified. She covered miles pacing back and forth within her living room. Sarah found it was a constant struggle to resist looking towards the window. But if she didn't look then she wouldn't have to acknowledge the fact that she was, in fact, anticipating the arrival of a casualty notification officer who would deliver those dreaded words, "The Secretary of the army regrets to inform you…" Her mind sank into dark pools of possibility and she repeatedly drowned in thoughts of helplessness, rage and dread. Sarah battled through the agony of each of those days, struggling to maintain her composure by the hour and losing herself with each passing minute; the entire time, not knowing whether she could keep it together for one more second.

  Mile 7

  The approval for Stephen's emergency leave to return home and join Sarah and Hailey for her immediate chemotherapy treatments had been more than greatly appreciated by the Lantz family. Stephen's commanding officer had coordinated with a 3-star general in order to prioritize the family crisis at home. It took an extra time to sort out the chaos from the convoy bombing but once approved, Stephen found himself unceremoniously returning stateside. He was able to be there to hold Sarah's hand when they talked with the doctors about the plan for three years of treatments and the details of how each phase would fight their daughter's cancer. He was also there to comfort Hailey through the pains and fears of her new hospital surroundings. But he was both thankful and horrified two days after arriving when he sat next to Sarah while Hailey underwent a bone marrow biopsy.

  Scared and embracing both hands, they watched their helpless child's resting face as Hailey lay lethargic in the hospital bed while doctors drained fluid from her rear hipbone. The normally quick procedure had taken longer with Hailey's lack of cooperation. In the end, the doctor decided on a local anesthetic to calm the overly anxious three year old.

  She seemed to finally relax and even fall asleep when the doctor began his work. A few minutes into the procedure and without warning, Hailey's eyes thrust open and revealed a fully conscience and terrified stare at Stephen and Sarah.

  Stephen froze; his mind locked between what to do and what to say. He abruptly announced to the entire room, "She's awake!"

  When the doctor leaned over and saw Hailey's open eyes, he unconsciously revealed his own surprise. His eyes widened behind the thick-rimmed glasses which drove anxiety into the already nervous parents.

  "Daddy?" Hailey's body lay still but her cries pierced Stephen.

  Unaware of the increasing pressure his grasp applied to Sarah's hand he tried to respond. "Hailey, sweetheart, I'm right here. Daddy's right here."

  Sarah leaned forward to make sure her daughter could see her, "Honey, we're right here next to you. It's going to be just fine," though her voice trembled and the look on Sarah's face said just the opposite.

  The doctor said something to the nurse and then spoke from the opposite side of Hailey's body with a voice muffled by the surgical mask. "Mom and Dad, it's okay. She's not feeling anything right now."

  Behind her own thin white facial mask, the nurse spoke back in a calm and controlled voice, "Doctor, I'll need more time to prep her if we're going to give her something more than a local."

  Fighting off the anesthetic, sensory nerves slowly began to wake throughout Hailey's body. Chills tingled her skin in random places and her heart rate accelerated from a complicated mixture of mild anesthesia and terror-induced adrenaline. With the exception of the increasing rhythmic expansion of her lungs, her body lay entirely still. Without blinking, small tears began to swell in her eyes. "Daddy, I'm scared. I'm scared."

  "It's okay, sweetheart. Mommy and Daddy are right here. The doctor said it's going to be okay." Stephen's own heart raced while his inability to take Hailey and hold her in his arms left him crushed as if he were watching his daughter drown and could not even extend a hand to her.

  Sarah covered her mouth to hide her panicking face as Hailey started moving her eyes far to the side as if trying to see what was happening behind her.

  The doctor's voice rose with purpose from behind Hailey's body. "I'm already drawing. We're too far in the procedure to stop. I'm going to press on and finish. I just need a couple more minutes. Dad, keep her calm and make sure she stays absolutely still."

  Flushed, Stephen responded to the doctor's instruction. With quivering lips he called out to the child he had once tenderly held by nothing more than his two palms, "Hailey, sweetie, its okay. Just look here at Daddy. I'm right here. Look at me sweetheart. Please, look at me."

  The nurse reached past the crouching doctor and held Hailey's legs and hip in place as a preventative measure against the child's possible wiggling. She extended her other hand out and with extended fingers to gently touch the top of Hailey's head in a sweet moment of tenderness combined with carefulness not to wake any more of the toddler's slumbering nerves.

  The Lant
z home was not the homecoming Stephen had hoped for. While deployed, he took periodic journeys through a mental list of casual pleasures and relaxing activities he intended to do once he returned stateside. But the process of coming home two months before his unit and walking into a family crisis, proved harder than any return he had considered. Challenging enough were the logistical messes his departure had caused. Stephen learned quickly that being outside of the Army's standard operating procedures invites delays, back-tracking and mistakes which only serve to annoy the already short-fused logistical officers who already had their hands full managing the massive deployment rotations. Technically, he was still activated for duty and as such he had a full-time job with the Army. Unfortunately, his unit was still in the desert. But an understanding staff officer made it possible for Stephen to work out of another somewhat nearby National Guard unit. Generously, the work he was assigned to was spending time supporting the family crisis while only periodically going by his assigned commander's office to be accounted for. The difficulty was that it absurdly meant having to drive two hours each way just to check in with the unit every third day. It took some extra patience but he eventually learned to appreciate the runaround as a worthwhile trade-off for being by Hailey's side.

  But at home, things seemed less manageable than the war zone he had just left. Her doctors took the approach of treating Hailey's body with a 30-day bombardment which included blood transfusions and a weekly routine of chemotherapy through a port. Every procedure terrorized Stephen and Sarah with the constant threat of side effects. There was always the risk in each procedure as nearly all the waivers they had to sign listed "potential for heart attack or stroke" written beside it. But even when an all-clear would eventually be sounded, they would still have the dread of living with the risks of long term impacts like learning disabilities or infertility could be waiting in the wind.

  Anxiety reigned among them and stress levels never came off peak levels. Because civilian reintegration back to normal everyday life had been practically non-existent for Stephen, his patience level still bore the conditioning of a combat zone. There was a constant power struggle between he and Sarah as each subconsciously grasped opportunities to control situations. Stephen's warrior mentality mixed together with the take-charge behavior Sarah had been forced to adopt during his absence constantly placed them on a collision path. It started with each grabbing for car keys on the way out the door but after a couple of weeks they hardly made any attempt to stop talking over each other. When Hailey's hair began to fall out during the second month of treatment, Sarah's emotional tank ran dry. By the third month of treatment, the last reserves of Sarah's patience fell to the floor alongside their daughter's dying blonde locks of hair.

  Hailey's immune system responded better during the Consolidation Phase of her treatment. This was the 120-day period which put her small body through an immense struggle and tested everyone's limits. At this stage, she was receiving a spinal tap every other week and her chemo treatments delivered increased dosages. The heavy cycle of steroids introduced the phrase, "roid rage" to an already tense Lantz household. Painful joints, bloating, temper-tantrums and her non-stop hunger left Stephen and Sarah with little mental capacity to handle necessary home repairs or the other liabilities of life such as rising bills and periodic car trouble. With no other choice but to press forward, they went through the motions as a unified couple. But the end of each day left little for one another as every issue was magnified and compounded a wedge which formed stronger and deeper between them.

  Rebecca saw the numbness which stagnated over the Lantz home life and would often step in to pick up the pieces behind a wrecked day. She cared for Hailey as only a grandmother could and loved Sarah like she was her own daughter. Rebecca's faith provided her with an unwavering strength, and it was never more apparent to Stephen then the way her calming personality could instantly ease the tensions in a room.

  He didn't share his mother's religious beliefs but there was no denying that her arrivals were like slowly releasing the air out of a balloon that everyone had expected to pop. Both Stephen and Sarah found themselves leaning on her for more than just caring for Hailey. Rebecca was particularly skilled at handling tantrums regardless of the complainer's age, and her loving encouragement never showed a hint of frustration or judgment. When her observant eye saw the pressure building, she would push Stephen and Sarah to let her watch Hailey while they grabbed dinner or coffee together. But Rebecca's loving intension to support their marriage required more than just their acceptance. It wasn't long before date nights just became a time to argue with greater discretion. Soon babysitting offers by Rebecca were rejected and time together fell off Stephen and Sara's calendar completely.

  They spent the next twenty-two months living in fear. The periodic treatments left Hailey with no immune system to speak of and it forced the Lantzes to build a virtual bubble around her world. They rushed to an Army hospital each time Hailey expressed the slightest of pains. In time, chemo doses were lowered, checkups moved to a periodic schedule and the only procedures she underwent were the monthly finger pricks to test blood levels. Right around Hailey's 5th birthday, with great hesitation and hopefulness, Stephen and Sarah greeted the word remission into their household.

  "Again?" Sarah's commanding use of the single word had somehow undone and discredited every justification Stephen had been prepared to use in conveying his news of another deployment.

  "There's still a war going on, Sarah." Stephen said condescendingly.

  "Well, how long will you have to go for?" She asked in a way which didn't really seem like a question.

  "Rumor has it that it'll be for about nine months or so."

  "You don't know?" Sarah asked impatiently.

  "I haven't gotten final orders yet. What do you want me to do?" He rebutted.

  "Hailey's only got four months of chemo left.

  "She's just finishing up the treatment plan. Doctor said there's a chance they may not even do all of them."

  Sarah was undeterred in her persistence, "Can't you wait until we're at least past this?"

  "Last time I checked, the Army doesn't exactly ask for my opinion when they come up with the timing for sending out troops to go off and battle terrorist in the Middle East, Sarah." Stephen said defensively.

  "Obviously, I know that Stephen. I'm just asking if you can get some sort of deferment or something like you got when you came home before."

  Stephen simply didn't have the patience to let his wife think he could argue with the orders he had received. "It doesn't work that way. It was rare for me to get that privilege in the first place. If anything, because I came back early I need to be one of the first out there for this rotation. There's a limit to Army compassion and I don't want to push it."

  Sarah knew orders were undisputable but she wasn't ready to give in yet, "What do I do if Hailey gets of those massive bruises again? How am I supposed to handle that?"

  "Just schedule a drop-in appointment with Dr. Navarro. She said we could come by anytime. She'll tell you what needs to be done. It's what she gets paid to do. Let her do her job." Stephen's tone was irritated at the asking about something the hematologist had already addressed.

  "And what if it comes back?"

  "She's in remission." Stephen responded curtly.

  "Maybe, but that's not a guarantee. We both know she's not in the clear for another three years."

  "What do you want me to say? That she won't get sick again? Believe me; it kills me every day just thinking about the possibility but what am I going to do. We have to live with this and part of living with this means that I still have to go when the Army tells me to go; when and where!"

  Sarah turned to peer down the hallway. Her clenched hand came up to meet her mouth as if to rest but the gritted teeth gave evidence to her anger and exasperation with Stephen. "Is it going to be like this when you get back?" she asked.

  "What, with deployments? Come on, Sarah. You know th
is is how these things work. The Guard activations are temporary. I don't have to go very often. It's not like I'm doing back-to-back tours like a lot of those guys out there. Besides, Iraq and Afghanistan can't last too much longer. They'll iron this all out soon." Stephen's mind rolled through the options he had recently been considering to himself and chose to test the waters with his wife. "Also, I might be able to do better if I stay on active duty full time when I get back. The transfer is pretty simple and the time I've spent on these deployments would help a lot with rank."

  Sarah’s eyes darted accusingly toward her husband. She could tell his comment wasn't a flippant thought and that the idea of leaving the National Guard and joining the Army as an active duty soldier was something he had already thought to. She took a second to breathe deeply in order to control her consternation, "Are you serious? What about your job with McDowell?"

  "McDowell has been great but I think I could…"

  Ignoring his response Sarah interjected, "Going active duty is no small thing. Moves, more deployments, it’s a lot more than weekends and periodic activations. Don't you think this is something we should talk about first?'"