Who He Is
Page 25
Ben and I lived in a tiny one-bedroom apartment and didn’t have much money after he was laid off his job, so losing all of that killed us. It killed him. He was out of employment and he hated how much he couldn’t support me, but every little bit he got, he spent on me to make me happy. When he was offered the position of manager for FireNine a few weeks after, everything picked up. He worked hard and in the end got everything back. It took time, but he did it. He’d even bought a bigger house and since he’d given me the only bedroom of his apartment, I told him to take the master room of the new house. I insisted because he bought it and he deserved it. He simply declined, telling me he wanted to give me the world and more. After a while, I stopped bickering with him and accepted it. I could never thank Ben enough for his generosity.
I snapped out of my memories, hugging Ben as we talked about his situation with Bentley a little. He told me exactly what he said to Bentley:
“I’m tired of hearing about you hurting your son. You almost hurt my daughter. We can’t do this anymore, Bentley. You have to go. It’s hurting the band… I’m sorry, but… you’re fired.”
It hurt me to hear the words come out of his mouth because with each word his voice cracked. By the end of our talk, Ben had downed his fifth glass and hurried off to his room, slamming the door shut behind him before anyone could see his tears fall. I knew he was crying. I heard his sniffling and weeping as I went to the bathroom for a shower. Each sob hit against one of my nerves, making me feel guilty. In the back of my mind, I knew I really was to blame; he just didn’t want it to seem like it was my fault.
If I never would have stepped in and helped Deed, Bentley would probably still be around and Deed would have just brushed it off like always. If I never would have joined the tour, Gage could have been around Deed more and Deed wouldn’t have been getting hurt, abused. He would’ve had someone to cover him and be by his side each night. Bentley wouldn’t have been looking for him because he knew he wouldn’t be able to hit him while he was with the band. The boys could have been playing and the show never would have gotten cancelled. It hurt me more than anything to know that my dad was unhappy—to know that Gage made a promise to Deed but broke it to spend more time with me, a girl he’d just met. A girl he was just getting to know.
But what hurt me most of all was the bothersome fact that Ben didn’t come out of his room until the following afternoon.
Everyone decided it was best to leave Chicago and get settled in New York City since the show had been cancelled. There were two things that bothered me a lot about being in New York. One was that we were going to be staying for a whole week since the band wasn’t going to play until the weekend. The other thing, though I tried so hard to stop thinking about, was that it would be my last week on tour.
My first thoughts of the tour were that it was going to be shitty and a complete waste of my time. All of that changed for some reason. Maybe because for the first time, I had friends. For the first time, I enjoyed spending time with a guy—a really hot guy at that. He wasn’t just an ordinary person. He considered himself one, but to me he wasn’t. He was Gage Grendel. A rock god.
I noticed I wasn’t being as open on going out with Gage as I had been before. For the first two nights, Gage didn’t think much on it and didn’t hesitate to leave. He’d kiss me good-bye and then he’d head out with Montana and Roy. Deed was stuck in the trailer, being taken care of by a few ladies Montana picked up for him, along with a real nurse. He had to get better by the weekend, and I was kind of glad for the girls by his side. At least he was a strong guy. At least he was smiling again.
Witnessing Deed being abused by his own stepdad kept taking me back. After so many years of forgetting about it, it registered that I’d gone through the same thing at one point, and thinking about it horrified me. I was forcing smiles at everyone and zoning out so much, hoping no one would notice. I’d sulk on the sofa when everyone would go out and when it got late and still no one was around, I’d sink into bed, curl into a ball, and do what I hated most.
Cry.
I hated crying. I hated feeling weak. I was strong. I knew I was, but I couldn’t get over it. I couldn’t get over how my mom could just let my stepdad have his way with me. How she could just allow a man to hurt her only little girl? Her own flesh and blood.
Sometimes she would defend me and only sometimes—only if she wanted something from me. If she wanted me to go “grab” something from the store or “pick up” a few bucks from my friends on the streets. I was terrible and I hated myself for it.
The tears kept falling, but I swiped at my face as hard as I could. I didn’t want any trace of them on me. I didn’t want the tears because of the pain she caused me. I just wanted to sleep and eventually, with the cool pillows and my tired eyes, I didn’t fight it. I succumbed.
I stirred in my sleep as visions of Gage appeared. He was everywhere and at one point I swore I heard him speaking. Groggily twisting my body to try and rid myself of him, I heard him call my name again and my eyelids flew open. I gasped, spotting him bending over me, his hand on my waist, his hazel eyes narrowed with confusion.
“Eliza, what’s wrong?”
I pulled away, shaking my head and pushing up to place my back against the headboard in a flash. Where the hell did he come from? My eyes were still tired and I noticed it was no longer dark. The sun was high in the sky, streaking in through the window and onto Gage’s beautiful face. He blinked quickly, moving his hand up my waist, but I pulled away with a sigh and climbed out of bed.
“Eliza,” he called as I kept my back to him. I was sure I looked like complete shit. I felt way worse than a pile of dog poop.
“Hmm?” I responded, bending down to unzip my suitcase.
Gage was quiet and I wanted to look over my shoulder to see him, but I knew the look on his face. I could feel his frustration. “Are you upset that I went out again last night?” he asked. “If so, we can go out tonight. I can make it up to you—”
“No.” I shook my head but kept my gaze down. Great, he thought I was mad at him. I dug into my suitcase to find my most comfortable outfit. I came across a pair of dark-blue denim jeans along with a light-blue denim shirt. It would do for today.
Sighing, I stood and turned around but gasped as I got caught in Gage’s arms. When the hell did he get so close?
“What’s wrong, Eliza?” he asked, his gaze lowering to my lips.
I shook my head. “Nothing. I’m fine.” I lied. We were close and I couldn’t help but breathe unsteadily. I wanted his lips, but then again I didn’t because by the end of this week, this fling between us would be over and I hated how quickly it was coming to an end. It was right around the corner and he’d be back to sleeping with random girls and partying with a different chick on his arm. He might even go back to Penelope.
“If you’re upset with me about last night…”
“I’m not,” I breathed. It was true. I wasn’t. I really didn’t even think about him last night. I was too worried about myself to even bring him to mind much. I was sure he popped in somewhere; I just didn’t know where exactly.
“Then why are you avoiding me? You pulled away from me like…” His head lowered and he stared at the floor. His eyelashes touched his cheekbones and I had the urge to move in and kiss his cheek, but I didn’t. I remained perfectly still.
It got so quiet that it became uncomfortable so I started pulling away again, but he tightened his arms around me, his eyes darting up to meet mine. “Why are you pulling away?” he asked, his breath running across my cheek.
I squeezed the back of his shirt, suddenly feeling weak at the knees because behind his question was a completely different meaning. He knew just as well as I did that our time was about to come to an end. He knew…
“Gage,” I whispered, lowering my gaze. I couldn’t look at him so I shut my eyes. “Gage, maybe we should just stop this now while—”
He stopped me from talking with his lips. My body sprang to lif
e as his lips consumed mine. A surge of electricity struck my core as he kissed me harder, deeper, the passion coursing from his body to mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck, sinking into his firm chest. His fingers ran from my back to my hips. He pulled me in to him farther, and I moaned into his mouth, sparking with heat once again. He tasted like some kind of fruit. I wasn’t sure what it was, maybe strawberry or raspberry? Whatever it was, it tasted fresh and divine as his tongue ran across mine and occasionally touched the roof of my mouth. I panted as he stepped forward, leaving me with no choice but to step backward and bump against the nearest wall.
He kept one hand on my waist, the other gradually pulling at my thigh so my leg could lift and wrap around him. His arousal strained against jeans, causing me to whimper uncontrollably against his lips. I wanted him, but I knew it wasn’t good to take him. It would make it that much harder for me to let this go. To let him go.
“Gage,” I whispered into his ear.
He stilled, but he didn’t stop kissing me. “No,” he growled.
I frowned. “No, what?”
“No, Eliza.” He pulled his lips away from my neck and blinked quickly, but I noticed the tears burning in his hazy, sleep-deprived eyes. My heart ached, taking in the sight of him. His face was pained, hurt. Behind his eyes I saw the loneliness, the heartache. I couldn’t wrap my mind around what he was thinking, but I knew whatever it was, was because of me.
Instead of speaking on it, I lowered my head and he dropped my leg. “Gage—”
“Stop saying my name like that, Eliza. I’m not…” His voice cracked, his head lowering. “I know what you’re going to say. Not right now… Just please. Stop. Don’t end it yet. Just… stop.”
Tears burned my eyes, but I blinked quickly to get rid of them. “I’ll have to leave eventually, Gage. I only have a few days left. You know this. We might as well stop while we can… before it gets too hard.” My voice was breaking. I was breaking.
“I don’t wanna stop,” he said. “I like it too much. You do something to me. You make me think twice… You make me feel something. I feel alive with you around. I haven’t felt anything this real in a long time. Not since…” He stopped talking again and I looked at him curiously.
“Since what, Gage?”
“Since… my sister.”
He didn’t look at me as he said it. I tried to get a good look into his eyes and figure him out, but he kept his head down, a few pieces of hair falling onto his forehead. Now he was making me feel even guiltier. Now he was making me want to take him just to make him happy again. I didn’t know what else to do—what else to say. I didn’t speak as I cupped his face in my hands and forced him to look at me. I pulled one hand away to run my fingers through his hair, pressing against his chest as our breaths caught and got tangled with each other’s. I studied his sorrowed hazel eyes, the grief he’d been carrying for so long.
I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to lose the connection, so I told myself I would stay… for now. I could still remain casual, but that was it. I slowly brought his lips to mine, kissing him fervently, and he groaned, reeling me in by my hips so I could mold against him. I knew no one was on the bus. I heard Cal take off earlier and Ben left with his assistant Terri. It was only us, and I wanted to take advantage of it.
“Gage,” I whispered as he picked me up in his arms. He stumbled forward to go for the bedroom door and shut it. He locked it and then my back pressed against it. “Gage,” I said again.
“I’m not letting you go yet… You can’t leave… We can’t stop, Eliza.” His lips touched my collarbone and my head fell back, enjoying his warm kisses on my skin. He moved up to my neck and kissed me, pressing his erection into my stomach. At the feel of him, I moaned, whimpered, ready for him to just rip off my clothes and go for it already. All thoughts were lost. All heartache seemed to disappear.
He kept me pinned against the door by his waist and reached up to help me remove my shirt. After tossing it on the floor, he reached behind me to unhook my bra, exposing my breasts. He tossed the bra, too, but his eyes never left my chest. He finally looked into my eyes again, scanning me intensely, hungrily. There was a fire behind his irises and it turned me on completely. Burned me on the inside with nothing but desire. My stomach coiled as his eyes locked on mine. It coiled even more as he leaned forward and sucked on my nipple greedily, his gaze never shifting. My breath hitched, enjoying the pleasure running through me, his hands at my waist, his tongue circling around my nipple until it was erect. He moved to the other and I rested the back of my head against the door, accepting it all.
I moaned, clutching his shoulders, ready for him. He didn’t oblige. He continued sucking on me until that nipple had become a pebble and then he pulled down my shorts. He placed me down for only a second, and I helped him by stepping out of my shorts and panties. I was completely naked before him and my face burned scarlet, but his eyes remained hard, drinking in all of me. After staring at me for what seemed like hours, he attacked my lips and crushed my body to his.
I reached down to unbutton his jeans and he slid out of them with ease. Spinning me around in his arms, he placed my back on the bed and separated my legs, climbing between them. His lips found my neck and I gripped his back, my core throbbing as he got nearer. He was so close. I could feel the heat of his cock. I throbbed for him again, aching, longing, desiring. I wanted it so much even though I knew I didn’t need it. I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help it. I should have stopped it, but I gave in.
Gage pulled back in haste to dig into his jeans pocket for a condom. After sliding it on, he teased me some more with his tongue on my nipples. He ran his tongue down to the dip of my belly and I gasped, inhaling deeply at how far he’d gone and how close he was to my core.
“You can’t stop this, Eliza,” he said, kissing my thigh. “I need it.” I tingled as he kissed the other and heat spiraled down between my legs. He kissed the skin outside my entrance, making me clench, tingle hard, and clutch at the sheets. “I’ve just gotten started with you,” he whispered. “You can’t stop this yet.” Then he slid his tongue between my sweet, sensitive folds, and I bucked against his mouth.
The panting increased. I gripped at the sheets wildly, aiming to avoid scratching him up. One of my hands ran through his hair as his tongue licked, dove, and circled around my clit, causing me to screech at the top of my lungs. A rush ran through me as I moved against his mouth. He groaned and moaned, causing a vibration between my legs. Oh, fuck. He grabbed my waist to try and stop me from squirming and then he said, “Look at me, Eliza.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t look. Looking into his eyes was going to send me teetering over the edge completely. Gage’s fingers dug into my side as he growled, his tongue swirling harder and flickering so quickly that it was driving me mad. I wasn’t going to be able to keep up for long.
“Look at me, Eliza,” he repeated. His mouth barely moved away from me. He was licking my nub as he spoke. He was so talented in bed and I hated how amateur I was. I dared a look and in return, I was sent into overdrive. The fire in his eyes, the heat as he watched me moan, the way his tongue circled and dipped and I felt it all, sent me shuddering. Shattering, crumpling into pieces. I squealed, my body quaking, legs trembling. In a heartbeat, Gage moved up quickly, kissing my nipples, each side of my collarbone, my neck. He hovered above my mouth, a small smile curling at the corner of his lips.
“Do you want me?” he asked.
I nodded, pressing my hand against his chest and squirming to get him as close to me as possible.
“You’re sure? You want me?”
I nodded eagerly, moaning as his lips barely brushed mine.
“How much?” he asked.
“I want all of you, Gage,” I whispered.
“All of me?” Before I could nod, he shoved his cock deep inside me. I sucked in a breath through my teeth as he hissed. “That’s all of me, Eliza. Want me to go slow on you? Want me to make love to you?”
Gage’s forehead pressed on mine as he watched me, but I shut my eyes, wanting the feeling of him inside me to take over. His pace picked up as he gripped my hips, diving inside me, in and out, as my fingers bit into his skin. I groaned through my teeth as sweat built up between us and he lowered his head to bury his face into the hollow of my neck. He sucked on me tenderly, licking my neck and then the lobe of my ear, sending wave after wave of moisture to course through me and melt between my legs. I shuddered a dozen times, clenching around his thickness.
“You feel so good, Eliza. You make me feel good,” he whispered. “You can’t leave. You have to stay.”
I didn’t bother to speak. If I were to respond, I would have lied to him. We both knew I couldn’t stay. I had a life to live, things to do. I had dreams to accomplish. Instead of speaking, I pulled him into me, leaving no space between us, and he went harder. His grunting grew heavier as he gripped my hips.
He then did something I didn’t see coming: he lifted me up, still stroking and my chest still against his, but my back was no longer on the bed. I was being held upright against him, his arms circling around to hold me up by my back. He slammed into me some more and I stared into his eyes, enjoying the full feeling at the pit of my stomach.
“Ride me,” he whispered.
I did as commanded. I had no idea what the hell I was doing, no idea which way to go, how fast to go, how slow to go, but I worked my hips as best as I could. His eyes were blazing, watching my pleasured face intently. He cupped my ass, allowing me to do all that I could. He kissed my neck, providing his own strokes and his own rhythm, which helped me out in return. He kept me steady, giving me a good balance, and after a while, I knew I’d gotten the hang of it because he grunted harder, hissing my name and cursing right after. I was moaning loudly, unable to hold back.