Who He Is

by S. Q. Williams

  I hadn’t realized I was sobbing, swiping at my face with my free hand. The memories burned me. They stirred my stomach and I felt like vomiting. My breathing turned into deep wheezing and Gage grabbed hold of either side of my face, making me look at him. “Eliza, breathe. Calm down and breathe, babe.”

  I swallowed, nodding my head and hoping it would work. I couldn’t see him through the blur my tears created, but I knew his eyes were full of sorrow. His face had hardened, his jaw was ticking, but he nodded his head, telling me continuously to breathe for him. Surprisingly, as I watched his face, my panting decreased and my grip around his arm slacked. He noticed and smiled at me, leaning forward to kiss my tears away. “That’s my sweet Ellie,” he whispered, kissing my nose.

  I smiled lightly, my eyes falling to stare at my lap. “It’s just hard to think about again. He hit me so much, even after that night. Another night, he yanked me from the bed to toss me against the wall. I cried to my mom again, but she turned her back to me and walked off. After that night, I never trusted her again. He whipped me… He left marks that wouldn’t heal for months. He left bruises from hitting me against the head, punching me in my stomach… shoving me against my back, making my nose bleed after I hit the ground.” I sniffled as more tears shed.

  “The worst part…” I choked out, “was that she never bothered to help me unless she got something in return. Unless I stole from other people for her or unless I agreed to fight other girls my age in cage fights so she could make some extra cash. I guess that was a good thing, though. I learned how to fight for myself, even if I did end up with a black eye or busted lip. I started fighting against Jeremy when I was in high school, but he was always stronger. I would fight kids in the streets who talked about me or made fun of me. Most times I won… but that wasn’t me. I wanted a normal childhood and a normal life. I didn’t like how I was living for them, robbing for them, breaking bones and shedding blood for them.

  “I was this shelled-in girl who didn’t know what to do with her life, where to go, or even how to handle certain situations. After I moved in with Ben, things got better for me, but I didn’t know how to act around him—or anybody—so I kept quiet. I didn’t say anything to anyone, and I kept my distance as best as I could.” I peered at Gage, who was already staring at me, his hazel eyes burning with sincerity. “I didn’t start being myself until I started hanging around you.”

  He smiled widely at that, his teeth sparkling from the sun beaconing through the wide window. “Glad I could help, Eliza,” he whispered and then kissed me. He cupped the back of my neck and I moaned, falling into his embrace. He then pulled away, kissing my cheek a few times before sitting back and exhaling. “Wow… that was… a lot to take in. I’m sorry that happened to you. If you want, we can find him and I can beat his ass for you.”

  I giggled, shaking my head. “No. That won’t be necessary. They’re both in my past now, and I’m never going back.”

  “But what about Ben? During all that, where was he?”

  I shrugged. “When I first moved in with Ben, he told me he finally figured out he was gay when I was a baby. He stopped sleeping with my mom, stopped coming home, and he spent most of his time with some man named Franco. I guess there was a day he finally had the courage to tell her, and when he did, she kicked him out and threatened that if he ever showed his face again, she would take him to court and demand child support. From what I know, Ben was already living on a tight budget. He’s told me plenty of times he would’ve taken me away, but he thought my mom was good. He never saw the abusive side in her. When I told him about how she watched Jeremy hit me, he was shocked. He didn’t think she’d let anyone hurt me since I was all she had.”

  I sighed, shrugging again. “He was obviously wrong. I wanted to call Ben every time I felt hurt or alone, but I didn’t know where he was. Mom moved across town, I went to a new school, and she changed our numbers. I found out Ben didn’t live in the same place he told me about when I tried to visit him after school one day. Someone around there told me he’d gotten evicted. His phone was always off because he couldn’t pay the bill, so we ended up losing contact until he visited every high school in Suffolk just to find me. He tells me every day he would have done anything to help me, but he felt I was in better hands with my mom. He didn’t have anything going for himself. He was living off of friends. His choices back then were between food on the table or a roof over his head. He never had enough to have both. At least my mom had a job at one point. She paid bills. She fed me daily. Ben couldn’t do that. His didn’t get paid well enough.”

  Gage nodded, grabbing my hand to wrap his fingers around mine. “That’s seriously fucked up of your mom.”

  “Yeah, I know. She’s selfish. Always has been. I don’t know how he didn’t see it coming.”

  Gage sighed, shaking his head. He was quiet for a few seconds, but then he looked at me, forcing a smile. “So the other thing I wanted to ask was about you leaving…” He paused, running a heavy hand through his hair. “Is there any way I can get you to stay? You know I’d do anything for you, right?”

  I lowered my gaze, biting the corner of my bottom lip. “Gage… I can’t stay. School means too much to me. I have to build a life of my own. I was given a scholarship from University of Virginia. I have to keep working for my degree.”

  “But I can help you. I can give you whatever you want if you just tell me.”

  I shook my head. “I’m sure you’d do anything for me.” I cupped his face. “I know you would do anything for me, but this is something I wanna do for myself. I wanna build my own life, not have someone try and build it for me. Just like you and the band worked hard to get where you are, I wanna work hard to be successful. I wanna be able to look back and see that I actually accomplished my own dreams. There’ll always be time for us. Don’t worry.” I tried not to choke afterward. It was hurting me to say, especially as the rims of his eyes reddened and glistened, but after only a second, he nodded his head.

  “The only thing I’m asking is for you to say good-bye to me the right way. I don’t want this between us to die. I love it too much. I love you too damn much. I didn’t think it was possible for me, but damn… It’s un-fucking-believable.” He smirked and I smiled sincerely as I pulled him in against me and held on. I wasn’t sure how I was going to say good-bye, but at least he wasn’t making it too hard for me. “Just think about it, Eliza. I know you’re scared I might hurt you and forget about you, but I promise I’m trying. I promise I won’t. I know I can give you the world and more if you want it. I’ll work hard to keep you happy.”

  “I know,” I whispered over his shoulder, but there was no need to think about it.

  I had to go.

  During the ride back to the buses, we cuddled and talked about how he thought his performance was going to go on Saturday. He told me he had it in the bag and that the boys had been practicing so much they had no choice but to be amazing. I agreed. The boys practiced most mornings or early afternoons. It was hard to do without Deed, but they made do. Deed practiced on the bus, trying to regain his strength. He still sounded awesome.

  As we pulled into the parking lot, I hopped out and Gage kissed me good-bye. He had an interview at a radio station in thirty minutes and couldn’t be late. Our fingers lingered on each other’s as he took slow steps away, his smile gentle and loving. Finally, he stole another kiss and then hopped into the car. I watched him leave and sighed.

  I didn’t see Gage for the rest of the day. I knew he was with his band, so I took the time to paint. I painted Gage’s beautiful face, of course. I’d even created a new logo for FireNine and thought it was pretty cool.

  Then the fresh, beautiful memories came back. Putting paint all over Gage’s glorious body. Watching the paint cover some of his tattoos. The way I giggled and he laughed as he tackled me just to put a dot of paint on the center of my forehead. I sighed because it was so vivid, so romantic… so surreal.

  The next morning, I felt
like I was going to hurl. It was Saturday, the day of the boys’ show. Thinking about it made me sick to my stomach. It made me so sick that I didn’t even attend the show. I knew I should have. I should have been there to support Gage, but my body refused for me to go. The entire day I was grabbing my stomach, a trash bin by my side. I hated how sick I felt, how lonely I felt. I thought I was overreacting… That is, until I finally vomited.

  I drank some orange juice to sooth my tummy, then went to my room to do something I really didn’t want to do. Pack. I packed up everything, made the bed, fluffed the pillows, and even cleaned the bathroom. I cleaned the living room as well, and when I was out of stuff to do, I slouched down on the couch and tears burned the rims of my eyes. I held back, swallowing and breathing through my nostrils.

  Gage didn’t show up that night either, and it hurt my heart, but I knew it was necessary. Maybe he knew I wasn’t taking him up on his offer and I’d chosen to go home. Maybe he knew as much as I did that I had to go, even when he didn’t want me to. I should have been satisfied with that… right? That should have made me happy because it meant it would be easier for me to leave. I wouldn’t have to worry about hurting him.

  Finally, the tears fell, as I realized maybe he was out doing something with another girl. Any girl. He could have been doing it just to forget. He probably knew he wouldn’t be able to hold me back, so I broke down, sobbed into my hands until I couldn’t cry anymore. I hated how much it hurt. How much love hurt. I was so used to being myself, avoiding boys, and doing my own thing, and then bam, there’s Gage Grendel. He had my heart and I didn’t even know I’d given it to him.

  Full of sorrow, I stood and went to my room, nowhere near ready for Sunday. It was time; I knew. I had to let it go and tell myself that my life and career was more important… even if I did have an aching heart during the process.

  I woke up early Sunday. I turned off the alarm on my phone, climbed out of bed grudgingly, brushed my teeth, got dressed, and then grabbed my bags. Ben was already waiting in the kitchen with a mug in his hand, which most likely contained coffee. I adjusted the strap of my bag on my shoulder, giving him a forced smile.

  “Morning, sweetie,” he whispered.

  “Morning,” I sighed, dropping my bags by the door. I slid my fingers into my back pockets, staring at Ben who was staring at me. “What?” I asked, suddenly self-conscious. I knew I looked horrible from my lack of sleep, but he didn’t have to stare at me.

  “Nothing,” he said simply, then took a sip of his coffee.

  “Is Marco already out?” I asked, reaching for my bags again. The sooner I was home, the better. I couldn’t linger around because lingering meant wallowing again.

  “Yeah, Liza. Go ahead.” He forced a smile, but my eyebrows knitted, confused by his staring and short responses.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?” I finally asked, twisting around to look at him.

  He paused in taking a sip of his coffee as he stared into my swollen eyes. He then placed his coffee down on the counter and sighed, and I hated myself for taking my heartache out on him. “Liza,” he murmured again, stepping out of the kitchen. He met up to me, pulled me in for a hug, and I squeezed my eyes shut, begging for no tears. “Sweetie, I know you’re upset you have to go,” he said, rubbing my back. “I’m sorry it has to be like this for you. I’m sorry it’s so hard.” He pushed me back by the shoulders and a tear fell down my cheek. “You know just as well as I do that school and your future comes first. It’s all you’ve ever talked about. You come before any guy, no matter if he has your heart or not. There’ll always be chances to see Gage again—”

  “It won’t be the same, Ben,” I said, cutting him off midsentence.

  “How will it not?”

  “It just… won’t. I know it. I haven’t seen him in two nights. He knows it, too.”

  “Two nights?” His lips twisted as he pulled back. “Oh. I’m sorry, Liza Bear.”

  “It’s fine. He just made it easier for me to go.” I turned my back to Ben, bending down to reach for my bags again. “I’ll be ready to go when you are.”

  His lips parted, as if he were going to say something, but he decided to hold off and nod his head instead. I swung the door open and as soon as I did, my breath caught at the sight of Gage. My heart skipped a beat, looking at his fist that was about to knock.

  His gaze swung up quickly as the door opened, and as he saw me, his eyes softened. There were dark circles beneath them, like he hadn’t slept in hours. His clothes looked worn and used, and his hair was messier than the norm but still unbelievably sexy. I took a look over my shoulder, glad Ben was making his way down the hallway.

  I then looked at Gage who had taken a step down, his eyes pleading. “Eliza, can we talk?” he asked. Right after he asked, he took a glance at the bags in my hands and on my shoulder.

  “There’s nothing to talk about, Gage.” I stepped down and walked past him to get across the parking lot and to Marco’s truck, but before I could make it, he caught my arm and spun me around.

  “Eliza, stop. I’m sorry. I got… I got caught up.”

  “With what, Gage?” I snapped, yanking my arm free. He swallowed, his head lowering. “With fucking your whores? The dozens of skanks who only want you for your stardom?” My tone was harsh, I knew it, but I was furious. I couldn’t stop. “I thought we had fun. I actually wanted something more. I considered telling you good-bye the right way, but then you just… you disappeared on me.” My eyes burned as my voice cracked. He lifted his head and reached for my face, but I pulled back. “Don’t touch me. Just go away.”

  “Eliza, I’m sorry. I swear. I got caught up! Penelope wouldn’t leave. She threatened me after seeing us together Friday night. She’s been watching me. I don’t know how she’s been doing it, but she threatened to tell about Kris if I didn’t spend time with her. I’m not letting her do that.”

  I scowled at him, jabbing a finger against his chest. “You were with Penelope?” I snarled. “Seriously!”

  “I’m sorry! I told you about her. She knows too much. I tried calling Ben to get in contact with you, Eliza. I called almost every chance I could, but his phone kept going straight to voicemail—I even came here when I got a chance, but no one answered the fucking door!”

  “You swore, Gage! You fucking swore you would leave her alone for me!”

  “Eliza, I-I’m sorry.”

  I shook my head with incredulous eyes. I couldn’t believe him. While I was alone and worried about him, he was with her. Vicious thoughts came to mind and I wanted to slap him so badly, but I held off, biting my lip.

  “It’s good you were with her, Gage,” I said. “It’s good.”

  His eyes struck with pain. “How? Why would you say that?”

  “Because it makes it easier to leave. It makes it easier to forget about whatever it was between us. I knew it wouldn’t work.”

  His mouth fell open, gaping. He took a step back, as if I’d just shot him right in the heart. Perhaps that’s what it felt like because as I went over my words, I realized how harsh they sounded. But he hurt me. I couldn’t let it go. The night we shared at the hotel… what was that to him?

  “I don’t know why I put so much trust in you. You warned me yourself. You’re fucking selfish, Gage.”

  “Eliza, you don’t mean any of this. I’m sorry, I swear.” He reached for my hand, but I yanked back.

  “Don’t fucking touch me,” I snarled.

  He looked me over, baffled, and I wanted to leave him stumped. I was pissed. I couldn’t face him anymore. He was a liar. He was my first at everything and he just… demolished it. I thought we had more, but seeing as he was with Penelope for two whole days, perhaps I was wrong.

  I decided not to say anything else. I had to go.

  Immediately.

  I turned, pulling my bag on my shoulder and fighting tears, but Gage ran around me to stop me. “Eliza, don’t leave me. Please,” he whispered, grabbing my hands. Tears
were building up in his eyes, but I shook my head. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t match his pain with my own. I would cave. I didn’t need to cave; I just needed to go. “I was trying to find time to get you to change your mind, and I’m sorry I let her get in our way. I’m sorry I didn’t spend the last two nights with you. It was all I wanted, but… she kept holding me back. She knew I was going to drop her for you, so she wailed on me. She threatened to expose me and Kris.”

  I shook my head. “I have to go, Gage.”

  “Eliza, no. Please,” he begged, gripping my hands and placing his forehead against mine. “Eliza, you mean so much to me. You can’t just leave like this.”

  I refused to open my eyes. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t break. I only shook my head, hoping he would let me go.

  “Just think about it, Eliza. I can take care of you. I can set up that graphic design job for you. If you want me to, I’ll set it up right now. I can buy you an apartment—uh… a house. I know how much you love to read… I can build you a ton of bookshelves… buy you a ton of books if it’ll make you smile. I’ll even give you your own studio to paint and draw in whenever you want to make your usual escapes. We can live together when this tour is over. I’ll let you pick where we live—any state. Anywhere. It doesn’t matter as long as we’re together. Whenever I have to go somewhere, you can come with me. You can travel with me. We can continue being happy… We’ll do good.” His voice broke, causing my eyes to open. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, and I bit my bottom lip. He knew me so well and it was hurting me even more.

  “I can do so much for you, Eliza. Just… don’t leave what we have behind. Stay. Please. Don’t go like this.” A sudden guilt took hold of me. Tears continued running down his cheeks, and I bit my bottom lip, wanting to hold back, but it was impossible. Seeing him cry made me cry. Seeing him crack and break was making me break.